January 11th, 2010
She would never say where she came from
Yesterday don’t matter if it’s gone
While the sun is bright
Or in the darkest night
No one knows
She comes and goes
Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you…
Don’t question why she needs to be so free
She’ll tell you it’s the only way to be
She just can’t be chained
To a life where nothing’s gained
And nothing’s lost
At such a cost
Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you…
There’s no time to lose, I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you may lose your mind.
Ain’t life unkind?
Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you…
Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you…
Posted in Ms. Sexy X, Music | No Comments »
January 10th, 2010
Whether it be quitting drinking, quitting smoking, quitting any drugs, changing jobs, doing a job, sports, relationships… everything is about the proper mindset. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “you can achieve anything you put your mind to.” It’s both absolutely true while simultaneously being bullshit. Let’s face it, no matter how much heart you have you’re not going to be a star quarterback while being a quadriplegic. But if you’re healthy and able to do something I think you can achieve it. True some talent and luck is required but not necessary. You may not be the greatest at whatever but at least you can do it.
What brings me to this is seeing this guy lose 125lbs in under a year. I haven’t read through the blog because it would bore me but I’m sure there’s a great story there. http://www.344pounds.com/ The key is to have the proper mindset which he has. I always tell people that want to lose weight that it is easy – simply don’t eat! I’m dead serious but not realistic. You should eat some but I would severly restrict it so that your stomach shrinks and becomes accustomed to less. Drink lots of water – dump soda, coffee, and beer. Once you get down to where you want to be you can drink it all again. I drink on average 2 Pepsis a day and I’m underweight. I’m trying to gain weight. This surgery has made me hungry as hell. It’s actually helping counter the depression feeling of not wanting to eat. I’ve lost weight again (under 160… damn.) If I gain weight I want it to be muscle, I’m pretty lean right now so I don’t want it in the form of a gut. If you’re prepared to lose weight be sure to eat less and excercise. It’s pretty simple – burn off more calories than you take in. Once you get to being active you can eat more because your body burns more, you’ll feel energetic, and eat some healthy shit every now and then. I’m a meat and potatos kind of guy but I’ll throw down some veggies and fruits every now and then. I also take multivitamins once a day. Don’t give me the excuse of being “big boned” because you’re not… you’re fat and have no self control, no will power, and no shame apparently. Don’t give me a thyroid excuse either. Mindset is all I want from you that you CAN and WILL do what it takes.
This can be applied to many things. Right now I need to apply it to my relationships. It’s a work in progress. “I can’t” shouldn’t be in anyone’s vocabulary if the task is reasonable. I had a better rant before but this goddamned server took a shit for a few minutes and lost it. Oh well.
Posted in Exercise, Food, Health, Thoughts | No Comments »
January 9th, 2010
Nothing new today. I slept in late, ate, and did some one handed cleaning. Washing up some dishes sure was interesting as well as doing some laundry. I hopped back in bed and watched basketball until 4 then went over to a friends to watch UK beat Georgia. John Wall was not playing his best game, in fact the whole team looked anemic. Thankfully Patterson and Cousins stepped up with Liggins and Bledsoe. Nothing heroic, just the basics and it helped us pull through. We’re still undefeated and here’s to beating Florida Tuesday night at 9. The Jets beat up on the Bengals like I said they would. Revis shut down Chad Johnson as usual and Sanchez hooked up with Keller and Cotchery. I was happy with the outcome. The Cowboys are unfortunately winning right now. The Eagles defense is pathetic, mainly because most their players are hurt. It’d take a miracle to win now. McNabb looks like garbage as usual. His offensive line looks worse so that’s of no help. Meh. Wisconsin beat Purdue and Georgia Tech came back and beat Duke after I wrote them off and left. UConn blew a huge lead and the end of the game allowing Georgetown to win by a few. The games weren’t too bad today.
I came back home because his place is fucking cold. My arm is hurting like a bitch so I popped another pain pill. That’s only my second for today. :-) I’m starting to feel it already. Oy.
I’m trying not to think today and I’ve been mostly successful. I can’t control dreams and I dreamed 3 different times last night. They were happy dreams but after I woke up I felt sad. Damn. Maybe I’ll get a bunch of sleep tonight with no dreams. I don’t dream often and I remember them even less often but last night I kept waking up… I wonder if it was the medicine but more likely just me. Blah. I’m trying here.
I’ll probably cruise around on the internet for a while until I pass out. This game sucks so I’m turning it off. I plan on sleeping in and watching football tomorrow. If only I could dream a reality then I’d never dream another.
Posted in College Basketball, Myself, NFL, University of Kentucky | No Comments »
January 8th, 2010
What gets you through tough times? I lost the only cushion I’ve found so now it’s back to square one. My Tuesday is gone. :-( I’m listening to some music, it’s rough. “My baby’s gone with the wind…”
“I don’t know… ohhh where I’m going… I just want to be left alone…”
I’m working on healing here both mentally and physically. I’m exercising my arm regularly as part of my physical therapy. In a few weeks I’ll be good to go and then I’m moving. I’ll get a job for the interim and I’m going to try to become a police officer. :-) I’ve decided I want to serve my community. I also want to get into some volunteer work. I’m not entirely sure what I’ll be doing on that front but I feel a need to serve mankind. I’m looking for happiness and I’m not getting it by serving just my own interests. Speaking of which, there’s some old toys from many years ago that I’d like to donate to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. Will this be my calling? I can’t say. It’s just something I gotta do. I feel sorry for the folks that depend on a job and feel they are stuck to it. I’ll do what I need to do to survive but I’ll be damned if I stay somewhere because I feel I have no other choice. If that job isn’t doing it for me, if it doesn’t make me happy… I’m moving on. Whether it’s a great paying job or shit it doesn’t matter. If there’s no happiness there it isn’t worth it to me.
“Tuesday… she… she had to be free… but somehow I got to carry on…”
Posted in Myself, Work | No Comments »
January 7th, 2010
What a rollercoaster of a day. I started off by waking up throughout the night. I took a Percocet sometime and managed to get some more sleep. Then I had to get to my doctor’s office but not before taking a careful bath and cleaning up. Something ripe was hitting my nose and I didn’t understand, the wrap on my arm didn’t really smell at all. I finally figured out it was my shirt I wore yesterday and the night before. I guess my body sweated those chemicals out because it wasn’t pleasant. So I threw those clothes into the wash and then washed my sheets right after. Yuck.
Some nasty ass snow storm is blowing all across the US and of course we get dumped on. I fucking hate the cold and I hate the snow. Fuck this shit. I get to the appointment where I get to wait around for 50 minutes when I am literally the ONLY patient in the fucking waiting room. What the hell? I couldn’t believe no one was there, usually it is pretty packed. They cut the dressing off and we talk and go over the stuff, pretty normal. I get a scrip for physical therapy which I go over and do. Now with this storm blowing in I guess most of the PT staff decided to vacate. Whatever. I had to fill out a long ass sheet with one arm and wait some more. Finally a therapist saw me and we took a good hour. She had some students she was teaching so I didn’t mind since I was bored. Granted, I wanted to get home and take some meds and eat but it could wait. Most of this stuff was review for me since I did this two years ago but I thought it was fun having the kids watch and learn.
The drive home wasn’t so pleasant. The roads were shit and the drivers were worse. I just took it slow, I ain’t in no rush and I have one arm. Fuck getting into a wreck. I had to turn off my radio, my thoughts were wandering. They still are. I took a pain pill and now I’m euphoric. I’m about to give my exercises another go. I can’t stop thinking and I don’t know if it’s a side effect or just me but I’m sad. I can’t shake this feeling. I so desperately want to talk to her but I can’t.
Here’s what’s bothering me as well: some idiot goes nuts and shoots up a place in St. Louis. Do us all a favor and throw yourself off a goddamned cliff instead of taking others with you, you selfish piece of shit. Another thing: fuck this extra security at airports. If a terrorist gets through and blows shit up oh well. It’s bound to happen again no matter what precautions we take. You’re letting the terrorists win with all this extra shit. If my plane got hijacked I’m going after the goatfucker. If he blows us up well I guess that was my time to die. No need to make everyone suffer. This nanny state is getting too large. The past few days have had airports shutdown due to someone walking in the wrong way or a suspicious fucking ornament… are you serious? Good game, we now have a piece of plastic shutting down an entire airport. Way to show them terrorists! I’d touch on healthcare but I’m damned tired of typing and thinking.
I’m going to go sulk.
Posted in News, Politics, Thoughts | No Comments »
January 6th, 2010
I’m typing on one hand here.
The surgery appears to be successful. I was in a cheery mood I suppose - I joked around to put the staff at ease. I’m sure they love an easy patient and I was sure to thank them all.
I woke up from surgery and it’s really hard because you want to sleep. I remember last time with the nurse bugging me so I tried hard. I was semi-conscious most of the time. I asked what I had to wake up for and immediately a name popped in my head. Whoops, oh well. I wanted to tell her about my nurse missing my vain twice, she would have gotten a kick out of that. Ha, the nurse even said I had good veins – they’re large and easy to see. Yet she was digging around in there with the needle. No big deal. I’ll get back to this later, my hand is tired.
Update: Where was I? The nurse brought out the lidocaine which I told her was unnecessary. She insisted and stuck me with it and proceeded with the 20 gauge in my hand. She poked around but couldn’t get the vain. I was teasing her making her more nervous. She mentioned something about her kids at home would be getting sick or something. I told her needles didn’t bother me like that and to take her time. So she tries again this time up on my arm. She finds the vain and I tell her “no” for sure on the lido. She sticks me and I can feel her tapping the vain but not sticking it. She tried for a few minutes frustrated and with me laughing. This reminded me of two incidents before – one was my own. I know it helped ease the tension since I wasn’t freaking out but she insisted she wasn’t doing it a third time. I told her practice makes perfect and to go ahead but she grabbed a male nurse. She teased me back saying they should use me for practice rounds for the trainees and I quipped right back that she might want to go first. We all laughed. The male nurse got it the first time though he took his time also commenting on my veins. I ought to use that as a future pickup line “check out my good veins.” Ha, whatever. He was cool too, I saw him in the recovery area and bade goodbye to him as I left.
Needles and blood don’t bug me. She looked at me weird when I didn’t want a nerve block and even moreso when I wanted to be awake for the procedure. The latter was a no-go but I did forego the block and am happy that I did.
That took forever to type one handed and I’m beat. Oy.
Posted in Myself | No Comments »
January 5th, 2010
For those of you without (or with) religion should read Immanuel Kant’s “Groundwork for the Metaphysics of Morals.” In it he posits a philosophy known as the Categorical Imperative in which it sets a standard to judge whether a person’s actions are right. It covers most everything and is still quite hard for me to grasp.
This is the summary of the CI. It is broken down into 3 maxims as follows.
- “Act only according to that maxim whereby you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law.” Meaning: The first premise is that a person acts morally if his or her conduct would, without condition, be the “right” conduct for any person in similar circumstances.
- “Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of any other, always at the same time as an end and never merely as a means to an end.” Meaning: Conduct is “right” if it treats others as ends in themselves and not as means to an end.
- “Therefore, every rational being must so act as if he were through his maxim always a legislating member in the universal kingdom of ends.” Meaning: A person acts morally when he or she acts as if his or her conduct was establishing a universal law governing others in similar circumstances.
The simplest way to remember it is usually by the first maxim above. The others help deal with all scenarios of morality plus there’s a concept of perfect and imperfect duty to help as well. I won’t break those down here but a link is provided below.
“Duty is the necessity to act out of reverence for the moral law set by the categorical imperative. Because the consequences of an act are not the source of its moral worth, the source must be the maxim under which the act is performed, irrespective of all aspects or faculties of desire. Thus, an act can have moral content if, and only if, it is carried out solely with regard to a sense of moral duty; it is not enough that the act be consistent with duty, it must be carried out in the name of fulfilling a duty.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Categorical_imperative
What brings me to this post? Just shit I’ve seen in life which makes me shake my head. These are the principles I try to live by. It’s how I can look myself in the mirror if I have to make a decision that is right but could hurt a friend. Hopefully I won’t ever be in that position.
I’ll leave with one of my favorite (related) quotes: “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” – Edmund Burke.
Posted in Thoughts | No Comments »
January 4th, 2010
Who gets dumped on New Year Day? Only an awesome loser like me does. ;-) Am I really smiling… ummm no but I can poke fun at myself. I’m working on letting go. I had a few moments yesterday that caught me off guard big time. This morning I woke up from a dream… I can’t control those damnit. Normally I’d love that dream but I wake up sad and in pain.
The Steelers pulled off a win on the Dolphins. At the same time the Texans came back and beat the Patriots effectively ending our playoff run. We’d have to have the Ravens AND Broncos lose in addition to the Jets. I’ll be dipped if the Chiefs didn’t kick the Broncos’ ass. YES! However, the Ravens barely won so that was it. It didn’t matter in either scenario because the Bungles laid down completely and just got thrashed by the Jets. That game sucked so bad I turned it off and I hope the NFL and NBC lost money on that garbage. 7 total yards of offense in the first half for the Bungles? Embarrassing.
There will be 3 re-matches of this week’s team in the playoffs. Crazy, huh? Cowboys/Eagles, Bungles/Jets, and Packers/Cardinals.
My picks:
- Eagles – hard pick, the Cowgirls have been on a roll recently but given the past few years I’m leaning towards the Eagles. I can’t stand either Romo or McNabb so I don’t care which one wins.
- Jets – normally I’d pick the Bungles but losing a few in a row and that badly to the Jets is not a good combination. Plus they are plagued with injuries. Home field may not mean jack now. I think they’d been better off against the Texans.
- Packers – let’s see where to start. One of the best passing defenses in the NFL and that’s all the Cards have. Boldin is out and while Fitzgerald is good I think he’s highly overrated by folks jumping on that bandwagon. Packers’ offense can get it done too. Coming off this win I think they’ll hand them another buttwhoopin’.
- Ravens – I was going to give this one to the Patriots but Brady apparently broke some fingers yesterday. Ravens’ have a D and with the Pats’ O looking shaky this may be the shift those Ratbirds need. Mediocre is a good way to describe both the offense of Baltimore and the defense of New England.
- No matter who wins I think the Chargers and Colts will beat those incoming teams. After that I’m going with the Chargers for the AFC win.
- I can’t quite call the NFC like that. Normally I’d say the Saints and Vikings have it but both have been shaky the past few weeks. I think the Packers could beat either one, more likely the Saints.
- I’m going to call Vikings and Chargers in the Super Bowl and I’m actually going with the Chargers for the win.
- Key factor here – the Saints and Colts taking it easy after clinching. Those numerous losses and not being fresh will be a curse. History shows that. They should have went for all or nothing. I know the risk of injury, look at all the injuries. As a competitor I’d want to give it my all otherwise the win would seem hollow.
I’ll schedule a post for tomorrow since I’m going under the knife for some outpatient surgery. Should they fuck up and I die oh well. No real loss to me. ;-) I’ve got nothing to live for at the moment so it’s all whatever. I guess that’s why it’s the best time to do it now. Afterwards I’ll try to get back on my horse and live life.
Posted in Myself, NFL, Steelers, Thoughts | No Comments »
January 3rd, 2010
I just did some reading last night and watched UFC 108. It featured Rashad Evans vs Thiago Silva. Rashad was working on his ground and pound surprisingly and took Silva down many times. He dominated the first two rounds leaving some sort of knockout as Thiago’s only hope. He realizes this and taunts Rashad to take a swing at him for most of the third round. He’d wave him over or drop his guard and stick his face out. It’s tempting to beat the shit out of him but Rashad is smart and kept back. Unfortunately during one exchange a counter nailed Rashad stunning him. Silva jumped on him quick but Rashad managed to stay up and not get knocked out. He would clinch up on him to prevent a further beating. Joe Rogan starts saying how Silva needs to act now (they separated and had their hands at their sides catching their breaths.) He was right, don’t let Evans recover. But Silva is an idiot and let him recover only to get tied up for the last minute and thirty seconds leaving it to decision which easily went to Rashad. I was happy with the whole fight card, every one featured submissions and ground and pound and on the feet action. They may not have been big names but it was fun to watch. This one might have been worth $40. Go figure.
I also watched the UK vs UofL game yesterday. It was scrappy from the getgo, Bledsoe fouls a few seconds into the game (bullshit call) and he’s going off. Calipari has to bench him so he cools down. Not but 30 seconds later 3 technical fouls are assessed in a mini-brawl. This shit is getting real and the record 24k+ crowd in Rupp Arena is about to explode. This rivalry has far reaching implications in the Bluegrass. Neither team can hit a basket in the first half and the defense played is stellar. Fouls are flying left and right easily hitting the one and one bonus with 10 to go in the first. By the second half Louisville manages to cut the lead after a 5 point swing when Patterson misses a wide open dunk (BRICK) and they nail a trey. They get up one point 42-41 before John Wall (who is back in the game from a cramp) finally gets back in rhythm and tears ‘em apart. It’s tense up to the buzzer but UK retains the lead at around ten points with some rare missed free throws from Wall. Kentucky extends the unbeaten record to 15-0.
Today is a day of relax and rest for me. I’m going to watch football all day to keep my mind busy. I need the Steelers to win and the Texans and Jets to lose. Unfortunately, the teams they’re playing may rest their starters fucking our chances for the playoffs. I have a few bills to get in order but that’s it.
I was thinking and figured that if Ms. Sexy X is happier without me in her life then that’s what I want. Hey, I may not be as happy but oh well. I’ve always been interested in her happiness so if this is what it takes I’ll accept that. Only she can answer that and I guess she has. I don’t have to like the decision but I’d never force myself upon anyone so I have to move on. That’s hard and will take a lot of time. As stated above I try to keep busy but many times I slip up. If I ask myself ”is my life better off without MSX?” I’d answer no in a heartbeat. Someone that is super smart, can make me laugh all the time, and has such a huge heart, and cares about me. That is a no-brainer. I want ME to be happy but not at her expense. Fare thee well, my love. ;-) I hope she finds happiness wherever she goes.
Posted in College Basketball, Ms. Sexy X, Myself, NFL, Steelers, UFC, University of Kentucky | No Comments »
January 2nd, 2010
I wonder if I apologized immediately for my stupidity if that would have made a difference. Listen to yourself when your gut tells you something, I knew it that night and I did nothing. Instead I waited and then when nothing happened I just ignored it. She didn’t confirm it but I know her. Why do I have to be so dense?
So being at work today was just about the hardest thing to do. To make it worse it was absolutely dead so all I could do was think. I had to go to the bathroom a few times to catch my breath. We traded our last emails early this morning.
There’s other women out there, I know. You just know it when you find someone so perfect for you. She teases me about putting her on a pedestal, hell I don’t care to admit that I do. Honestly she’s got everything I could want in a woman so why wouldn’t she be perfect? I even bought a ring months ago, I don’t know when I’d give it to her but things were going smooth and I figured a year down the road, maybe 2 years. I guess that makes me an idiot. I don’t regret it, it just seems as if life likes to throw fucking wrenches at all of us.
How am I coping? I don’t know yet as I obviously have just begun. I knew this was coming for a while as evidenced by past posts. I’ve been in a depression for quite a while. My current plan is to move and pursue my interests. I just wish I knew exactly what I wanted. I’m not alienating my family anymore so than normal but I’ve liberated myself from them. I’m going to do what I want to do. It’s a selfish thing but fuck it. I can’t be stuck in this hell hole forever. I have an urge to just go.
I’m so tired. I’m down. I did eat, I’m hungry but don’t have an appetite. I’ll force myself to eat as I’ve been down this road before. It’s going to be tough because many things remind me of her. I miss her already.
Update: Hindsight is 20/20… it’s almost completely worthless. While a great learning tool, something much more valuable would be foresight. If only life were so easy. Just got done talking with a friend. No real insights, I guess I just needed to talk and he listened. It’d be nice to give him all the details but I’m too private a person. He gets it though. I’m still fucking hungry and tired. I managed to drink a Pepsi but that’s it. I’ve got a long night ahead of me. I hope sleep overtakes me.
Posted in Ms. Sexy X, Myself | No Comments »
January 2nd, 2010
Last night was my final call with Ms. Sexy X. I guess that was the “official” breakup. I didn’t see it coming tonight when I answered the phone but that’s the way it is. I miss her already god damnit.
We talked it out and I didn’t want to but knew it was going to happen. I say I didn’t see it coming but I did perhaps not last night but soon. Things weren’t meshing and the following was the final straw:
A key bit of advice for all gentlemen out there: don’t teasingly joke about checking out other women or them checking you out even if it’s not true. It degrades her and isn’t respectful. I’m not saying things wouldn’t have ended similarly but I fucked myself in the end on that one. It is juvenile. She’s got a great sense of humor but even that is going too far.
I know I did it before. Women: let your guys know they’re being idiots. Please. I knew it the last time I sent it and wanted to take it back. I had looked back that very same night and realized it was a jackass move but it was too late. I knew right away what it was but I thought surely that couldn’t end a relationship. It can. Oy. I feel like shit for doing that and making her cry.
I have to go to work now and I don’t want to. One foot at a time. I missed out on one of the greatest people out there. I’m a damned fool.
I have to move on but the pain will come first. It always does. I wish I could just disappear or stick my head in sand. I guess I know what that bad feeling was the other day, to go along with my depression.
Posted in Ms. Sexy X, Myself | No Comments »
January 1st, 2010
I’m bummed out already. Tip for the youngsters out there – pace yourself when drinking. Going full retard too quick results in some good ol’ barfing. I hit the point of no return so I didn’t care. ALWAYS drink water before passing out. I did and guess what? ;-) No hangover the next morning. My stomach was a tad off but I gave it a few hours and I was HUNGRY!
I went shooting out in the sticks with some friends. I guess my headphones didn’t do the best job as my ears ring a bit still. I “chopped” down a small tree with an AR15 and my Kimber .45ACP. It was fun but soooo fucking cold. I’m talking 10 degrees in this little holler. We shot water bottles and the water froze shortly after exploding. I was dressed for it but the fingers are always the weak point. I had chili which was WONDERFUL especially after freezing my ass off. That greasy goodness just hit that “hangover” craving perfectly and warmed me up. I smashed 3 bowls of it.
Now I’m chilling in bed after a short nap. I’ve got Munchos and Gatorade at my side. I wish I could shake this funk. I just feel empty. :-( I know what I’m missing. Ms. Sexy X called last night but I missed the call. I tried calling back right after but reception was shitty so I’m not sure if she heard it. It’s been almost 2 weeks now since I talked with her last. :-( It’s going straight to voicemail now. Ugh.
I don’t have any food in the house right now. I’m hungry but I don’t know what for. I might make a huge batch of mac and cheese. I think I’ll watch a movie.
I wish I had something more exciting for this post but to me it’s just another (shitty) day. I’m almost there, to my jumping off point. A few more days then it’s time to start arranging my move. I have to. I was thinking about that today passing through the hills where there’s trailers and dinky little houses with shit piled all around it. Perhaps that’s what they want but I assume they got stuck with the situation and never tried to improve it. I plan giving it my all so I never end up like that. I wouldn’t mind a house in the woods, not at all. But these are on little plots that looks like someone squatted there long ago.
Posted in Beer, Food, Guns, Ms. Sexy X, Myself, Thoughts | No Comments »