My Beautiful Disaster

The NFL Sham

April 21st, 2010

I’m getting tired of Roger Goodell making unilateral decisions. Why does all the power fall on one commissioner? Who the hell decided that was a good idea?

Here’s my problem. He’s trying to do some sort of zero tolerance policy with “personal conduct.” I can understand some punishments levied on convicted players. But who decides what is moral? One man? My issue just happens to be his latest punishment of Ben Roethlisberger. I am biased because I am a fan but that doesn’t change the argument.

We have a person who went clubbing like many other young aged folk. Him and his entourage meet up with some partying sorority girls. They know of him and are hopping from club to club with his group. Clearly there is drinking and flirting going on. They know he’s a TWO time Super Bowl winning quarterback and just got signed to a HUGE contract. They also know he had an unproven rape allegation that was dropped and the conniving female is simply trying to extort him via a civil suit. So is it any surprise one of these women claimed rape again? The DA could not prove anything happened, it’s all he said/she said. So all we have is MAYBE sex in a nightclub but that can’t even be proven. Will this influence 18-26 yr old crowd? No, college men and women will continue to club before this incident, during this incident, and after. This changes and influences nothing.

Where’s this bad conduct? Sex is natural. Most everyone does it. The body craves it. I don’t agree with the choice of location /woman/situation however that’s just a conflict of my personal view. I don’t see it as immoral. Hell, I’m sure there are hundreds of players that are taking full advantage of the fame of being an NFL player and are scoring like Chamberlain and Johnson of NBA notoriety. To me sleeping around like that is despicable. But I won’t hold it against them as that’s just a personal conflict.

As an adult I just think “so he had sex, how does this affect me?” It doesn’t. Why am I pissed? I’m pissed at the fact he was even punished. It doesn’t affect me though, right? True but I DO watch the NFL for entertainment and this whole thing takes away from it. I’ll go on living my life and this will never touch me but I still take issue with it for Ben’s sake and any other player that has been caught like this.

Whether Ben had sex or not doesn’t matter. They’re partying and this is his private life. If he did have sex… again it doesn’t matter. Everyone does (well mostly.) So this affects adults that use logic… none. Does this influence kids? Hell no. There may be an outlier here and there but as a kid I look at Magic Johnson as a basketball god and wished I could play like him. My parents went on and on about how he had sex with all those women and had AIDS. So fucking what? As a kid I wanted to play all the time and I could dream of being like Mike, Wilt, and Magic. This simply won’t influence a kid or dash dreams at all. I know I’d love to look up to a 2 time Super Bowl winning football star. As a kid I wouldn’t “know” about sex nor even care about it, I’d be thinking about having fun.

This incident does not tarnish the image of football or the NFL. That image has long been tarnished by incidents of actual convictions – look at the Cowboys or Bengals just to name a few. Roger is hurting the image more which makes it highly ironic. Now they’re damaging Ben’s career and essentially fining him $2-3 million with the suspensions. So what if he has the money? That’s not the point. He’s earned that and should be given the chance to continue to earn it.

Art Rooney is a moron. He was ready to punish Ben no matter what Roger did (as if ol’ Rog could pass up the opportunity to be a dictator.) Some say quarterbacks are held to the highest standard and making an example of him will show the team does not support his actions. In fact, there’s talk of trading him.

Are you off your fucking rocker? Do you think we’ll lose the first 4-6 games without him? If so what the hell makes you think the backups can finish the season better than that and what makes you think drafting a top quarterback will possibly net better results? Ben is a PROVEN TWO TIME SUPERBOWL WINNING QUARTERBACK. So it’s about principle now, eh? If you want to take a stand then I want every team to dump anyone that has been convicted of a crime, charged with a crime, or investigated for a crime. THAT is taking a stand. That won’t happen so don’t blow smoke up our skirts with that lame excuse.

There is no reason to punish him this harshly… or at all. No crime was committed. No immoral act was committed. Wake up people, you probably had sex this very morning. Do you feel dirty or something? Get over it, it’s natural. You probably had a drink last night so it isn’t the booze you hate. Is it that ”evil dancing and rock roll music” that bugs you so much? This isn’t the 50’s anymore and just because you’re old doesn’t mean your train of thought is correct as the current generation is nowhere near you (and they’ll be the ones supporting the NFL.) I want the higher ups to get off their high horses.

There is no reason to even think of a trade or to punish him on a team level. Everyone has their heads so far up their asses that they can’t see the absurdity in front of them.

Despite the stupid ESPN pundits saying it’s deserved and “everyone is tired with him” it just simply isn’t true. Fans are still behind him. The big wigs are hanging him out to dry.

Posted in NFL, Sports, Steelers, Thoughts | No Comments »

Good Bye, Ball!

April 20th, 2010

I’ve made some friends here, some of them are fun to hang out with and others not so much. One of the girls is full of energy which makes her fun to hang out with. I’m used to running with an older crowd and I do prefer that but they will do. My main complaint is having all this free time and hanging out with them is something to kill time and have fun. It’s the most I’ve smiled and laughed in months. I’ve had moments but it’s so fucking relaxing. I’m keeping busy by working out and staying active. I’m taking back up golf (I never quit but it’s been a few months due to money and weather.) This older gentleman has given me pointers that has vastly improved my game and I’m now eager to keep practicing to make it feel natural.

I still have my moments of loneliness and depression but thankfully it’s not too bad and lasts a short while. When they come I just get up and leave, drive to a scenic spot and just relax. I can stare at the mountains or the clouds or the water and drift away. I’m still heartbroke and that takes its toll on me even though I try not to let it. I have my mask on but even it breaks on occasion. Fuck, why do I still have feelings of love and heartache? I wish it was easy as moving on or getting callous. I had a deep connection – I don’t regret that at all. She’s still my best friend but it sure makes it harder. Life is just hard, I struggle and push on in it and that’s what I have to do here. I don’t care about anything anymore, at least that’s what I tell myself. I’m capable of caring but I think throwing up a wall is easier in the beginning and end so why bother with anything else? Heyyyyy, that almost sounds callous except I might just be foolin’ myself. Awwwesome!

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UFC 112: WHATAJOKE SILVA vs MAIA

April 10th, 2010

I couldn’t purchase this fight and it’s a good thing. None of the local bars had it either… once again a good thing. Wasting one dime on this would have pissed me off moreso than it already did. I finally got to see a streaming video of it catching only the last two fights. The BJ Penn fight was good, Edgar held his ground and had some textbook foot movement and jabs and ended up taking the belt in a unanimous decision. It was a slower fight but I thought it was excellent.

Going on to the main event featured a relatively no name fighter when compared to Anderson Silva. Demian Maia is good, I definitely wouldn’t discount him, but as a challenger to Silva my doubts were there. They were proved right in the first 5 seconds of the match when one could easily tell that Silva was the far superior fighter. So now is the part where all the fans get to see a trademark 20 second knockout, right? Wrong. Instead Silva plays the entertainer card. Okay, he knows how to do that. He taunts and backs it up. He might even showboat a little bit. But here, here he went farrrr beyond that to pure asshattery. I’ll give him one round, hell throw in a second. I know what he’s doing. But finish him at the end of the second round, preferrably much sooner than that. For fuck’s sake finish him at the beginning of the third round. We all know Silva gets gassed if it goes longer than 2 rounds but his talent is at the point where he never needs to reach that mark. I don’t know if this is some sort of “training” for him but he failed on that part. We get to watch him run around the ring and Maia put his all into it in the last two rounds. Maia’s legs were fucked up, his eye was fucked up, hell his whole face was fucked up. We knew he was done and he knew it was all or nothing time. Silva just has speed, length, and strength… a truly skilled and difficult opponent. I give Maia credit for stepping in the ring and trying. I know going all out from the gates will get you knocked out so I could see the strategy but he had no hope and everyone knew that. Nothing was working. I’m glad he didn’t pull a Leites or even a Griffin for that matter. He stood in.

Silva apologized the last time he pulled this shit. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you. His apology this time rang hollow. I’m glad his contract is almost up and I hope Dana doesn’t re-sign him because I’m seriously losing interest in the dude. Dana needs to do something or prepare for the heat. I’m so pissed at him right now, it’s bad business and bad entertainment. I’m really glad I didn’t spend a nickel on this and I would want a refund if I had.

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When Will We Pay The Piper?

April 10th, 2010

Our country is moving closer to it’s demise. It could be 4o years away but the warning signs are there. I’m normally not negative and doom and gloom when it comes to the USofA. But Greece is on the ropes with bonds coming due and can’t sell new ones below 21% interest rates. The EU will have to bail them out but the burden will fall on Germany and France. Why do these governments believe socialism will work? Spreading wealth is doomed to fail, it’s a slow disease that eats away at the core of the country. What does this have to do with us?

Countries start falling, they may call in on our debt. The world market is affected both on the stock exchanges and in exporting/importing of goods. Our wonderful congr-ass idiots will probably dole out aid left and right though we don’t even have money to spare for our own country. We already let Israel suck off our teat and for what? They give us enough headaches already. Let them fight their own fucking wars over stupid ass religious stuff.

The real deal is this all parallels to what’s going on now. An estimated 47% of America pays no taxes and in fact gets money back. I am one of those unfortunately. I pay in but I make so little that I actually get a “return.” This is called redistribution of wealth. Here’s my take and I’m sure their take. Say I’m rich or super rich. Let’s make it easy – I make $500,000 a year and $125,000 is taken out. That stings, I’ve worked hard to earn that money and along comes the government to take it. I don’t see a dime of that back. Add on top of that the property taxes and the numerous other ways of taxation and the remaining $375,000 doesn’t look too hot. Still, that’s a lot of money and I can be happy spending on nice things for myself. Meanwhile, the poor that feel “entitled” to this money demand more. The government itself is full of corruption and spending so they’re broke. The solution? Tax more. But whom do you tax? Why the rich of course! And to sell it you pander to the poor to whom you stir up resentment against the rich and promise handouts. The politicians voting it are generally wealthy as well but they can offset this from the kickbacks they’ll receive. They’ll take steps to hide their money too while denouncing the rich for doing the same.

The rich will stand up and yet more taxes will come down the pipe. To help offset that the government in desperation will raise taxes across the board on goods like alcohol, cigarettes, gas, water, electricity… but in silent raises hoping that no one notices. The poor get poorer, the rich get poorer, no one wants to spend the dwindling money, no one wants to manufacture items if they won’t be bought and sold, jobs will be lost because no one is buying and the cycle perpetuates.

Raising taxes has never been a smart move. Some sort of flat tax would be needed – 20% across the board. I don’t know what a fair number is but everyone pays. The poor may not contribute as much but it’s the same percentage and that’ll teach fiscal responsibility. Is that not enough money for the government? That means leaning out, cutting out entitlement programs, cutting out useless positions, better accounting, etc. This is all to our advantage.

As of right now taxes are about the same. The backhanded way of doing this will be to give more credits to the poor so they get more back. The government cries broke and will eventually try to squeeze higher taxes through. Even more plausible when attempting to shove universal health care down our throats. I don’t mind the idea, I’d love UHC. But what we have simply won’t work and I don’t know what the answer is. At the moment, much of our healthcare is already subsidized by the government. People with no insurance use the ER and ambulances like it’s free already. A lot of healthcare costs today go towards the uninsured. Just look how if you don’t have insurance the hospital charges a much higher price than the negotiated insurance prices. It’s all very sick which is ironic given the subject. Who’s going to pay for this? The rich.

It’s hard to justify wanting to make it big and get rich knowing I’ll piss away a ton of money in taxes and be constantly on the defensive. Is it worth it? What happens when the money is pulled from banks or moved off shores? What happens when you inflate the value of the bill that it doesn’t matter? What happens when you can’t pay employees or debt or utilities? Riots, breakdown of law and order, anarchy.

Who will pay when the bill comes due? We all will. :-(

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Life It Seems Will Fade Away

April 3rd, 2010

So I’ve been here for 3 weeks now. I guess you can say I’m settled in. I found a place that was roomy but dirty. It’s all I could do though and the landlord worked with me. When life gives you lemons you just have to curse, suck it up, and make the best out of it – hoping for an end product that comes close to lemonade. I spent a few days just cleaning it. Then I unpacked some stuff. I cleaned some more and went job searching. The past two weeks have been job searching, working part time at a job, and cleaning or watching old shows. I’ve got a lead on two jobs right now, I don’t know. I also had car problems because my car is reaching the end of its life. I broke down badly one night, it’s easily one of the furthest down moments I’ve ever experienced. Again, I didn’t feel suicidal but those slopes are slippery. I just couldn’t handle the shame and selfishness of that. I know all people are selfish and that’s not a bad thing but suicide is in this case. I had a long talk with MSX that night. It was very hard. I called and was going to cut everything off for her sake and for my own. She doesn’t want that though she’d respect it, just like I did for her so long ago. It clicked that I was doing what she did so we swapped roles there. In the end I told her that I definitely didn’t want to stop talking with her, she’s such a good friend that it’d kill me more to do that. We can talk for long lengths of time and enjoy it. She helped give me a boost and I’ve been riding that for 5 days now.

Today I did my exercises and felt good. I chilled for a few hours then began what I’ve been meaning to do (since last week.) I wanted to clean everything again but I was feeling really down. I had music going but that didn’t help. I spent 40 minutes psyching myself up, trying to think happy thoughts. That was very hard because I felt myself slipping again. Once I got going I started cleaning to concentrate elsewhere and that worked. I did some things I’ve been putting off and I felt much better. I shopped for at least an hour and a half. It didn’t feel good spending more money but it’s things I need. The money situation scares me only because I have so little coming in right now and I’m looking for a new car so I’ll need to save all the money that I can.

Maybe I’ll get around to describing my new, part time gig. The people are really good so that’s a plus. There’s certain policies that suck which are a huge negative but a job is a job. I’d like to stay here part time when I find another but those conflicting policies may cause me to punch out. We’ll see.

It seems like my lemons keep turning rancid. :-( I just have to keep my head up and hold on.

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Flyin’ Down The Street Again

March 10th, 2010

So I moved cross country in 4 days. It was an adventure that I wouldn’t trade for the world. I wish I had money and time to continue to do this.

I got lost in St. Louis (sort of,) crashed on the couch of someone I hadn’t met yet (we planned a get together prior,) I got free beer from someone in Oklahoma City, I got stuck in a standstill for 2 hours outside of Oklahoma City due to someone wrecking in the heavy rain. I hit some of the heaviest, most constant winds across the panhandle of Texas where I couldn’t get above 70 miles per hour. 60MPH was the norm. I missed the last gas station for 60 miles, pulling off to find an abandoned one and and one under construction. I stalled 13 miles from the nearest station in New Mexico. I hitchhiked in the same tough wind and met a nice contractor who not only took me to a gas station, gave me his spare gas can (I had one but left it empty – DOH!) and took me back to my car and waited to make sure I was going. He was from Louisiana, I see Southern hospitality at its finest. We never even exchanged names. He wouldn’t take money either. I made it to Abluquerque where nothing exciting happened. I have now seen snow in the desert though. Travel was somewhat better as the wind was way down until I hit Arizona. It was like de ja vu but worse because I hit a full blown monsoon outside of Winslow. It turned into a blizzard right quick. I couldn’t see 3 feet in front of me. It cleared up into Flagstaff where I hit a icy spot and did a fish tail across three lanes of interstate. I almost shit myself. I crawled the next 25 miles at 35MPH as did most traffic because of the whiteout conditions of yet more snow. The interstate was covered.

Today I found an apartment. It isn’t clean by my standards but I have to take it for the short term. Tomorrow will be the move in and cleaning. Day after I’ll start looking for jobs.

It’s all about the journey for me. I have no idea what I’m doing into the future. I’d love certainty but this is exciting and I need that. My heart was left in a gutter, my outlook bleak so I took it upon myself to change my fortune. I don’t care if I’m poor, I’ll see what I can do to change that.

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We’re Playing Basketball…

March 4th, 2010

Quite a few games on last night. Didn’t get to see any NBA action but did see the replays of LeBron crucifying the Nets with his dunks and assists. Carmelo Anthony took Kevin Durant to task shutting him down with a Nuggets win over the Thunder. In college there was Maryland laying the smack down on Duke with Vasquez leading that charge with some impressive play. Kentucky beat up on Georgia though Leslie was getting on my nerves. Do we have to see the dunk over Cousins again? Well John Wall shut them up by stealing the ball with his left hand and taking it down court with his left hand and finishing with a monster left handed dunk. Fuck you bitches! It got 2nd on ESPN’s top10. Why? Because these asses have a fucking HOCKEY play as number one. WHY THE FUCK? The NHL blows and the Olympics did not revive it! LET IT DIE! A goalie stop is not and never will be a number one play you assholes! UGH. That’s the whole reason behind this post.

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News And Packing

March 2nd, 2010

A few mini-rants are in order here.

First, hockey is boring. It’s not coming back (actually that would give the presumption that it was ever “here.”) I don’t care if 20 million canucks watched one olympic game, after that one is done the viewers are going to drop to 20,000. Hockey sucks, period. This coming from someone that would rather watch golf or tennis. Heck, NBA basketball where defense seems to be a myth is better to watch. At least we can watch the likes of LeBron and a host of other incredible players show off. So ESPN do us all a favor and stop hyping hockey and for the love of everything hockey should NEVER have a spot in the top 10. You assholes usually plug 2-3 plays in there because of your agenda… is the NHL paying y’all for this press?

Dubai needs to stop being little bitches. Same goes for Britain. Yes, I’d be pissed if someone stole my passport and used it. If they’re just fakes then who gives a crap? There is no victim unless you count the state of the UK but let’s face it… the backroom politics will have swept it under the rug in no time anyways. Plausible deniability and all that. Spy games happen all over and it just so happens to lead back to a country (implicit or not) and now they’re covering their asses. Whatever. I don’t care for the fact that the US is supporting Israel. Let them do their own religious wars with their own money instead of us sending untold amounts of money over there. They’ll just attack our ship and deny it anyways. And Dubai is cowering for what? A Hamas idiot was killed, these people knew they were harboring an evil man. Now Israel made them look bad by getting the job done so now they’re trying to make Israel look bad. Ahhh, politics. Fucking annoying. Sack up. “Yep, we killed him, fuck you.”

Sony in all their wisdom somehow fucked up and let a little glitch take down their PS3s yesterday. How do you forget to include leap year or put it in the wrong year, whichever it was? Seriously, it’s a basic clock function. The more disturbing thing is it affecting games even in offline mode. Why is that happening? People are suggesting DRM via trophies. Sounds like bullshit but I don’t know enough about that to form a better opinion.

I shouldn’t be reading and writing. I need to get back to packing. The day is coming soon. :-)

Oh and here’s an excellent article or Q&A I guess.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/28/business/28corner.html

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To The Point

February 23rd, 2010

I’ll make this quick. I salvaged some friendships but not before dipping down into some deep depression. I got help from my good friend MSX, she’s a saint in her own way. It’s always a pleasure talking with her. I’m still down but there’s a bunch of stuff going on and I’m getting to the saturation point. It’s all coming together and I have to get it going.

I don’t even know what the fuck I’m saying. It’s only midnight but I’m retiring early tonight. I just don’t know anymore. I’m taking it a day at a time and doing it my way. I guess I’m just a lil’ bit anxious.

EDIT: It’s 22 hours later and I’ve had a few Guinness and Pepsi. There’s many things bothering me. There’s the heartbreak I still feel. I can’t help it. I know time has passed but I still love her. :-( I love talking with her as she always, always, always cheers me up. I still think about her every day and I miss her so much but I can’t say anything. Oy. Then there’s the moving situation - I’m a bit nervous at that as well as really excited too. There’s the uncertainty on getting settled down but I have faith I’ll find find my way. I don’t have anything lined up. Same goes for my job. I really am glad to be leaving my current job. The job was easy but I didn’t get any hours or money or the most important aspect – satisfaction. When there is no satisfaction to be had it is time to move on. I want to do something that makes me happy. So I have a general direction I’m going I just don’t know what will happen. It’s exciting and makes me anxious all at once. To top off this shit there’s the friend stuff, family stuff, and wedding stuff all depressing me. There really is just too much at once right now and I feel like I’m going to explode. I don’t expect a damned thing to go smoothly and if it does then hot damn I’m there. If not then don’t expect to hear any “yeah buddy” anytime soon.

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Downward Spiral

February 15th, 2010

I keep going down in fucking flames. It’s as if every action I take is the absolute wrong choice. It’s getting to me.

I ended a friendship today. It hurt badly. I couldn’t commit to a wedding. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been planning my shit for months on end now. Then I have several people I know getting married and it’s at the worst possible time for me. I tried not being selfish but I can’t do that anymore. I’m miserable. I wanted to make some of those weddings but other issues have forced my hand. I cannot do it. I cried when he sent a text to end the friendship. I kind of expected his response but I didn’t expect my emotional response. I hurt.

I already lost my girlfriend/best friend due to my stupidity. Now him. I’ve pretty much ostracized myself from my family for other personal reasons. Here I am alone again and miserable. Yay me.

I know I have to work through this. I’m almost there to my goal. I just put in to quit at my job. I’m moving on with my life.

I am thoroughly depressed and it keeps getting worse every fucking day even though I try to look up I keep getting dragged back down. I cannot escape this hole I’m in at this rate. I must keep trying. :-(

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Updates And Stuff

February 10th, 2010

I guess a few things have happened lately.

I went to a Three Days Grace/Breaking Benjamin concert. It was great.

I talked with MSX a few days ago. That was pleasant. I’m still thinking about her a bunch. I miss her.

I’ve been going to physical therapy a bunch. I have fun there and all the staff likes me. Today I helped one of their kids with his math. He’s a smart kid, I gave him a few pointers. Unfortunately, I reversed a problem and gave him the wrong answer and he had the right one! Oy. It felt good to do a little tutoring there. :-) My last appointment is coming up soon. Damn. I’m seeing lots of improvement though.

I may have sprained or fractured my finger. I don’t think it’s broke as I’m typing with it now and it doesn’t hurt. It’s just sore and purple and slightly swollen. That’s gone down a bunch since a few days ago.

I’ve a few other little things coming up. I’m still packing for my big move. I can’t wait! I am getting more nervous though. Blah.

This past month has given me a time to step back and review where I’m at. I wish it wasn’t like this but I’ve made the best of it and am improving myself so it isn’t a loss. I wish there was an easier way.

I’ve had maybe 6 Pepsis in the past month. It’s weird. I crack one open and drink 1/3-1/2 of it and don’t feel like having any more. I’d say it’s psychological. Heck, as soon as I can I’m going to start working out again, I’ve lost too much weight. :-/ I need to gain 15-20lbs of hopefully muscle. Fun stuff.

Right now there’s a mix of psuedo depression, anxiety, realization, learning, and hope going on right now. I get glimpses of each I suppose you could say. Hope is what I hang on to.

I may go running in shorts with snow on the ground. I’m debating it right now.

Fuck it. I plan on having fun and doing things my way.

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In My Thoughts And Heart

February 3rd, 2010

Lily you’re in my heart and make me smile. I love you. :-) Happy Birthday.

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