I’ve gotten a bit lazy on working out. I put on a little weight which ain’t necessarily a bad thing but it’s driving me nuts that I haven’t gone running. It’s too fucking hot to run outside but I’ll have to push myself. Yuck.

I am single and enjoying it. I decided I didn’t want to date again for a while and I actually feel good about that!

I’ve got the usual problems – money, job, car, time. I’m running short on all of that. In a few months I’ll be set I suppose and running in the positive but I’m contemplating changing jobs already. Something that is higher paying. It would also help me lateral into a job that I want to do. Not that I don’t like my current job, per se, I do not see much room for growth. Not in this town.

I’ve been feeling a mix of depression and happiness lately. I dabbled here and there to see if I could get a date, then when I did I realized I didn’t want it. She did not take that very well and instead tried blaming it on a red herring. I admit it was bad timing but only because she sent something before I had a chance to send mine. Fuck it, I will let her believe whatever she wants to get her through the day. I’m happier for it though I did not wish to make her sad. I finally realized that I do in fact want to be single for a while, especially when I don’t have my shit together yet. The money situation is super tight and I have to budget everything which isn’t a bad thing but it just doesn’t make me happy being this short. The car crapping out and needing get fixed drained whatever future resources I had which means I have to unbury myself from that debt as well.

I’m pursuing this other job for the moment even though I didn’t want to leave my boss high and dry. But you know what? Fuck it, I’m doing what’s best for me. I’m tired of explaining myself to others and bend over backwards for them. I already told myself I wouldn’t do that and here I do it again! Jeez! Fuck all that noise.

“I don’t know… ohhh where I’m going… I just want to be left alone…”

I’m working on healing here both mentally and physically. I’m exercising my arm regularly as part of my physical therapy. In a few weeks I’ll be good to go and then I’m moving. I’ll get a job for the interim and I’m going to try to become a police officer. :-) I’ve decided I want to serve my community. I also want to get into some volunteer work. I’m not entirely sure what I’ll be doing on that front but I feel a need to serve mankind. I’m looking for happiness and I’m not getting it by serving just my own interests. Speaking of which, there’s some old toys from many years ago that I’d like to donate to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. Will this be my calling? I can’t say. It’s just something I gotta do. I feel sorry for the folks that depend on a job and feel they are stuck to it. I’ll do what I need to do to survive but I’ll be damned if I stay somewhere because I feel I have no other choice. If that job isn’t doing it for me, if it doesn’t make me happy… I’m moving on. Whether it’s a great paying job or shit it doesn’t matter. If there’s no happiness there it isn’t worth it to me.

“Tuesday… she… she had to be free… but somehow I got to carry on…”

To all thieves: You’re not clever. You’re not sly. You’re not “owed” shit. No one cares about you. You should care about you and make the most of yourself. Get a job and earn it. No one owes you shit. You’re not above anyone though I’d posit that EVERYONE is above a thief. Join the ranks of everyone else.

That’s not the only thing though. (Oh wow, I just had a burp that tasted like a beer… almost 24 hours later. Weird.) Where was I? Ah yes. I’ve been feeling down all day like something bad is about to happen. I’m not sure what but it has me depressed.

I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m going to move but I don’t know what will happen thereafter. Am I afraid? Strangely, no. I have to get out of this place, I’m going nuts. I need something. Will I stay where I go? I hope so but I can’t say with any certainty. It’s a big move. I have to get closer to MSX. This is what *I* want. I’m doing it for me and hopefully for her. If not, oh well, this is what I want to do. I never mean to discredit her opinion but I know I put her in an awkward position of making it feel like she is making me do this. Hell no, I’ve been thinking about moving forever and now is the time. I don’t care if she’ll be gone for a while by the time I get there. She will be back. I must be with her. Sigh. The anxiety will come, there IS some fear there but for the moment I’m good. Will she be there when I get there? How will things go? What about my job? There’s mounds of what-ifs but I’m just saying “fuck it” and doing it. I won’t let life pass me by, I’m going after what I want.

My boss told me yesterday I have good leadership skills. I can see that but I’ve never really been in that position before. I don’t want to lead, that’s not my style, but if I’m stuck in the position I will do it. I haven’t really thought about it beyond that. What I was thinking mostly of today was where am I going? What do I want to do? What do I love that would make for a good job?

I love guns. I love the beauty of them and the mechanics and the physics. I like figuring out how machines work. I like football. I like video games. Can any of those be made into a useful skill? I don’t know. That’s what I’ve been pondering all day. That and I’ve been thinking about MSX, things that should be and other stuff. I was a little worried about her again. Sigh. Why do I have to be so stupid at times? And why does life have to throw such curveballs?

I’m tired, I’m cranky, I’m sad. That’s the wrap up of my day. Like most people except I have a private blog to bitch on. Fuck off!

I just stayed up all night and went to work Black Friday at 4AM. I was in charge of selling a game system. I told her I thought it was dumb to sit in line forever for $30 in savings. She got upset (not “upset” but you know…) that I would say that. What if I couldn’t afford… and I said I wouldn’t buy it then. She said if it were for my kids and I was trying to get them something.

God I’m a jackass. I was going to be stubborn on the point but she’s right and I’m right. For myself I’d forego the item. In the time to wait I could work and earn the difference and not mess with the hassle or I would just decide it’s not worth it. HOWEVER, if it were for her or my kids I would definitely do it. The hassle would be worth the smile. Way to go with foot in mouth again!

Now I do stand firmly behind the belief that it is absolutely retarded to get arrested over it by threatening the employees with their lives (I kid you not.) That shit isn’t worth violence over, in that case I will gladly spend my $30 elsewhere even if I had kids. They would need a daddy – one not in the jail or hospital or morgue.

The day was long but pretty smooth. There were a few hiccups. I was dragging maybe due to some lack of sleep but moreso because it was so confusing and time was just ticking by so slowly even when I was busy. Usually I have the opposite effect.

I came home and took a hot shower, a two hour nap, ate a sandwich and had a Guinness. I watched a movie and I’m probably about to watch another. I was feeling sad before the call but not so much now. Our call did get sort of cut off because my brother stopped by. I was a bit pissed but it happens.

So now I am tired, a little sad, and very lonely. I’m lonely without her, having others around just doesn’t alleviate that sense of feeling.

Things are going pretty well. I guess we’re on friend status. She’s my best friend so I gladly take that. I still love her though. I’m sure she loves me still but there’s that thing that’s going to take time. I hope she’ll give me a second chance but that’s down the road and will come if it comes. I miss her so much. I’m just thankful that she keeps in touch, I’d be so much more devastated otherwise.

I can’t wait to move. It’s scary but I can’t stand this place anymore. It’s not bad it’s just me. I feel uncomfortable as if I don’t belong here and I cannot shake that feeling. I’m about to make some exciting changes whatever they may be. I’m not even sure yet… I have a general plan but I’m ready to improvise at any given minute.

I talked with Ms. Sexy X again. Our call got cut off yet again. That’s really starting to piss me off. I’m not sure what it was this time. She might have gotten sick or the doctor may have cut her short yet again. I just want to have one full fucking conversation with her. There’s 2 things I really wanted to get to and I was getting to and it just ended.

I’ve been struggling within myself to find a solution. To find a job, to get everything I need. I’m sick of thinking about money and how to live. I’m sure everyone else is too. Why can’t I just have happiness? I know where it lies and yet I can’t touch it. That makes me miserable.

I’m sick of everything. My eyes seek reality and I can’t find any. I’m stumbling… blinded by sorrow and love. I’m trying to figure out how the fuck to do this. The sorrow is here to stay until she comes back. The love will always be here, it’s not a problem in of itself – not by a longshot.

The main problem that I have is the need to get out of my home state. I can’t stand to be there anymore. I just have to move. Where? Well, I don’t have any ties elsewhere so any place is just as good as the next. This place I’m at now would work. I’m just trying to figure out the job situation as well as the living situation. Yikes.

After that, I threw a football with my brother for about an hour. He stopped by and I was feeling energetic. So much so that I was going to go for a mile run. I don’t need to tell you that running after smoking isn’t a smart idea but fuck it. I barely made half a mile before resting for 2 minutes then running back a half mile. I was tired… not really out of breath but I figure I didn’t have a whole lot of oxygen in my system.

I went up to the roof right after to catch my breath and cool off and watch the sunset. Much to my dismay the clouds rolled in so I didn’t get to see much of anything. I went back inside and took a hot bath, I just soaked my legs for a good while before I showered. I watched the Ultimate Fighter and then watched “the Shining.” I forgot how looooooong that movie is. Jeez.

Rampage Jackson is such a dick. I don’t like him at all. He berates and berates. He is a horrible coach, he doesn’t build his guys up but merely talks smack about the opponents. It’s no wonder he is about to get sweeped just like last year. He kept calling Darrill “titties” even though his own boy Zac had bigger man boobs. Darrill is beastly for drinking that much alcohol especially when trying to get in shape to fight. Stupid. I wanted Zac to win, he’s a bit of a social outcast. He looked okay in the fight but kept his guard too low and took too many quick shots to the face. He had the nice and much needed takedown to escape defeat and he hammerfisted nicely. You could see how tired or dazed he was. He allowed himself to get into a triangle choke within Darrill’s legs. He held on for a long time but made no attempt to break it and Darrill finally got the extra leverage using his arm to help choke him out. Oh well. I like Rashad and I think he could easily kick Rampage’s ass especially since that pussy chickened out on the fight. (Rampage commented that Rashad wanted to hold on to the belt longer so he refused a fight. Riiiight, like he wanted to get his face destroyed by Lyoto Machida over your pansy ass… that totally makes sense.)

I slept in until 1000 today. I was happy about that. I got on my computer just fiddling around, putting off what I needed to do. There’s a song called “Breathe Into Me” by Red that I discovered and like. I finally got to writing a letter to Ms. Sexy X. Well, it was more of a poem I had written for her a while back. I have one more as well. I also sent her a long email about some stuff. I don’t know when she’ll read that as she doesn’t have access to it. I was going to send via regular mail but she won’t see that for a while and it didn’t feel right to send it through that. It took a little while for both things to get them perfect. Then I went to the hospital to fix some billing issues. I just got back and ate.

I’ve gotten a bunch out of the way today. I feel good to some extent. There’s a depression looming overhead so I can’t get too excited. I have to come up with ideas. Oy.

A new Vampire Diaries is on tonight. I like the show well enough but it’s a bit too… teen/high school/dramatic for my tastes. That said I read the books and they’re only loosely following them but I still enjoy watching them. True Blood doesn’t start again until next summer I think. So fucking far away.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkXPw_lorew

When I got home I grabbed a Pepsi and head for the roof to watch the sunset. It was actually warm out so I had put on shorts and a T-shirt. It was pretty. All I could think of was why this is happening, how can such hate, malice, and evil thrive in a world so beautiful. It’s fucking disappointing. I was looking for inspiration on what to do, where to go. I’m at a loss really and that’s even more frustrating.

From there I went on to the back deck with a football and just threw to some chairs for a while. The deck is rather large. I threw the ball off the deck a few times for fun and ran up and down the hill to get it. I did that for a good bit, about 20 minutes I’d say. After that I did a bunch of pullups, 40 to be exact. I also did 40 knee ups. My abs are burning. I’m sure I’m strengthening them though I wish I had washboard status going on. Well, it’s no big deal but it’d be nice.

I watched the new NCIS. It was a forgettable episode. Tony (Michael) wasn’t as funny as normal. Something just seemed off about the whole episode, perhaps because it was themed? I’m not sure. I still enjoy it and the killer was easy to guess, I did right off the bat. My suspicions were confirmed the longer they went after everyone else… the lack of talking about that person made me know it’d be her.

Sons of Anarchy was pretty good. The crew were up to their shenanigans again and a lot of things happened. I’ll write up that post later. I can’t wait until next week’s. Oy.

I also watched Enemy of the State after the show. I forgot how long that movie is. It’s a classic though, I like it.

Now I’m going to go eat leftovers and I don’t know what else. Maybe I’ll go to bed early. I’m sort of tired. I just don’t want to lie here thinking. I know I’m sort of sad/depressed but I’m not letting it phase me. I’m just neutral right now. I don’t know how long I can hold myself at that. I just have to keep doing what I have to do and maybe things will fall into place. I’m trying, all I need is a chance.

I cleaned today at work. It took hours and I made a mess and cleaned it back up after I cleaned the machine up. I’d like to get it spic and span but the angles are such that it hurts to get in there to clean and since chemicals are just put right back in it is pointless getting it spotless. I did make sure it was damned clean though. The chemicals reek and stain. It ate up all my time  but I’m feeling the soreness in my bad hand.

I’m feeling better today. I have no idea where things are going, I’m going to keep trying to work hard to move forward in a good direction with my Ms. Sexy X. I have to take it one step at a time and hope she comes around. I’m trying, that’s all I can do. Yes, she is that important to me. People may not understand my resolve but when I lock onto something I want there’s no stopping me. (I mean that in a totally non-creepy way. I know, you’re laughing and saying “yeah right!”) I love her and miss her terribly. I know she knows that. I know she misses me and loves me. She’s just struggling right now and I’m stuck not being able to support her properly. I’d give up forever to touch her. I want to give the world to her but I know not how. It pains me deeply, it strikes at my manhood… my pride. Blah.

Tonight I’m going to grill up some shrimp and watch MNF at a friend’s place. That’s about 2 hours away. I think for now I’ll chill outside since it’s actually bearable and I plan on watching the sunset.

How can something so beautiful be in so much pain? A cruel twist indeed.

I had an ailing stomach and went to the bathroom several times this morning. I was hoping it was just from last night’s pizza. Unfortunately, it hit me several times today. I haven’t felt too bad really besides going to the bathroom. I’m hoping I’m not sick, I don’t feel it. I haven’t eaten any supper yet, I’m a bit afraid too.

Work was busy so it kept me occupied most of the time today. Florida took on UK today and I knew it was going to be a beatdown. I watched the first quarter before I tuned out. 31-0 and Hartline had 2-6 throwing with 1 whole yard. Wow that sucks. I believe the final score was 41-7 not that it mattered. Tebow went to the hospital after taking a hard hit though I figure he’s just shook up. I know there’s going to be a lot of drinking in Bluegrass nation tonight.

I had one strange black woman looking down at a phone or something and she snapped her head looking at me all exorcism style and says “Jesus is lord” and she snaps her head back to where she was looking. I said “ooooh kay” casually and she says “sorry I just wanted you to know.” I just gave her an odd stare and continued on.

I have been dreaming all day when I can. My dreams are simple but enormous. I’m nervous about going out there, this may be my chance. I haven’t heard from Ms. Sexy X in… is it 8 days now? I think that’s right. I’m worried but I know she’s fine, it’s just tough. I don’t know, I’m having a hard time saying what I want to say on here.

I have simple dreams and I’m so close. Please, please work out. Arrrgh!