My Beautiful Disaster

Talk about a weird few weeks. I had a few interesting events and one of my friends is in a pickle. I’m helping her through some tough times but then I get stuck between two people 3 separate times. I don’t mean to, I’m just a good listener and I want to help. The problem is one side gets wind that I know and tries to get any information out of me but I don’t tell. That’s why people confide in me, I can give them reasonable and logical feedback. My brutal honesty can hurt too and if they’re not prepared for it then so be it. That’s what they get with me. Sometimes I just can’t say what I want to say because the words disappear from my head. That always sucks. Anyways, it just puts me in a bind when I yearn to help but I know I can’t and won’t say shit. Communication goes a loooooooooong way but many can’t handle that or the concept.

To top that shit off (and other stressful events like trying to move) I have my depression coming back. There hasn’t been any real trigger to this bout, sometimes it just comes and I go from being happy to sad just like that. Well, I’ve been digging out of that hole for the past week and this new shit doesn’t help. However, I have my resolve so I should be fine. It’s been coming for a while, I can look back and see that now but it felt like it crept up suddenly.

My head is in a swirl and none of this involves me. Ain’t that a bitch? Now I’m slowly backing out.

So I’ve been here for 3 weeks now. I guess you can say I’m settled in. I found a place that was roomy but dirty. It’s all I could do though and the landlord worked with me. When life gives you lemons you just have to curse, suck it up, and make the best out of it – hoping for an end product that comes close to lemonade. I spent a few days just cleaning it. Then I unpacked some stuff. I cleaned some more and went job searching. The past two weeks have been job searching, working part time at a job, and cleaning or watching old shows. I’ve got a lead on two jobs right now, I don’t know. I also had car problems because my car is reaching the end of its life. I broke down badly one night, it’s easily one of the furthest down moments I’ve ever experienced. Again, I didn’t feel suicidal but those slopes are slippery. I just couldn’t handle the shame and selfishness of that. I know all people are selfish and that’s not a bad thing but suicide is in this case. I had a long talk with MSX that night. It was very hard. I called and was going to cut everything off for her sake and for my own. She doesn’t want that though she’d respect it, just like I did for her so long ago. It clicked that I was doing what she did so we swapped roles there. In the end I told her that I definitely didn’t want to stop talking with her, she’s such a good friend that it’d kill me more to do that. We can talk for long lengths of time and enjoy it. She helped give me a boost and I’ve been riding that for 5 days now.

Today I did my exercises and felt good. I chilled for a few hours then began what I’ve been meaning to do (since last week.) I wanted to clean everything again but I was feeling really down. I had music going but that didn’t help. I spent 40 minutes psyching myself up, trying to think happy thoughts. That was very hard because I felt myself slipping again. Once I got going I started cleaning to concentrate elsewhere and that worked. I did some things I’ve been putting off and I felt much better. I shopped for at least an hour and a half. It didn’t feel good spending more money but it’s things I need. The money situation scares me only because I have so little coming in right now and I’m looking for a new car so I’ll need to save all the money that I can.

Maybe I’ll get around to describing my new, part time gig. The people are really good so that’s a plus. There’s certain policies that suck which are a huge negative but a job is a job. I’d like to stay here part time when I find another but those conflicting policies may cause me to punch out. We’ll see.

It seems like my lemons keep turning rancid. :-( I just have to keep my head up and hold on.

I’m worn out. I keep waking up during the night all hot. So I’m having both fans on and turning down the heat tonight. Hopefully I can get a full nights rest.

I need to start packing my shit soon. I have a move date for sure now. I just have to get everything in place. There’s the figuring out the U-Haul situation, there’s the job situation as well. It’s a mess. I have enough money but this is going to drain some resources. Arrrgh. It’s worth it though.

This may be one of my last posts unless I can mooch some internet as mine is gone now. I’ll do away with cable as well. Fuck it. Who knows I’ll update intermittently.

I’m already breaking down. Tonight is going to be hard. It’s like I’m being stabbed in the heart by a heating iron. I type this in the brief moment that I can breathe.  I suppose it’s not helping that I have her picture up and I’m tracing her face with my finger. I cannot stop the tears as I think of her.

I don’t want to be. I want to crawl into a hole and just quit. I cannot stop thinking about her. I, of course, can’t stop thinking about what happened - I’m not even sure what happened which makes it so much worse. Where did things go so fucking wrong? How do I mess up something so perfect? She’s perfect. Maybe that’s the problem, I don’t deserve her I guess. I love her so much. This pain isn’t receding. She’s going to be gone for a while so the pain has only begun. How did I scare her off? I wish I could turn back the hands of time. I only have myself to blame. I damn myself to this personal hell.

I have my favorite picture up on my desktop. It’s black and white. She has the biggest smile ever – the most perfect smile. Even more special, the smile is for me. I’ll never forget the reason for the smile. That’s when I made a promise – one that I signed every email off with. Now I don’t know if I can ever fulfill that promise. I also made a promise to myself to be the best possible man/boyfriend to her and I utterly failed. I guess that’s why I hate myself so much. I failed her. That picture is… I can’t even begin to describe the beauty of her. She’s so special. I’m going to go crawl back down in my hole now.

I want to rip out what’s left of my soul and just let it be devoured. Ha, I chuckled on that. A bit melodramatic, right? I needed that. Sadly enough it’s still true. Oy.

My first official post will be tomorrow. I’m just setting this up and learning it. This blog is meant to be private and yet for anyone to see. Does that make sense? If not, then this isn’t for you.