My Beautiful Disaster

I’m worn out. I keep waking up during the night all hot. So I’m having both fans on and turning down the heat tonight. Hopefully I can get a full nights rest.

I need to start packing my shit soon. I have a move date for sure now. I just have to get everything in place. There’s the figuring out the U-Haul situation, there’s the job situation as well. It’s a mess. I have enough money but this is going to drain some resources. Arrrgh. It’s worth it though.

This may be one of my last posts unless I can mooch some internet as mine is gone now. I’ll do away with cable as well. Fuck it. Who knows I’ll update intermittently.

I’m already breaking down. Tonight is going to be hard. It’s like I’m being stabbed in the heart by a heating iron. I type this in the brief moment that I can breathe.  I suppose it’s not helping that I have her picture up and I’m tracing her face with my finger. I cannot stop the tears as I think of her.

I don’t want to be. I want to crawl into a hole and just quit. I cannot stop thinking about her. I, of course, can’t stop thinking about what happened - I’m not even sure what happened which makes it so much worse. Where did things go so fucking wrong? How do I mess up something so perfect? She’s perfect. Maybe that’s the problem, I don’t deserve her I guess. I love her so much. This pain isn’t receding. She’s going to be gone for a while so the pain has only begun. How did I scare her off? I wish I could turn back the hands of time. I only have myself to blame. I damn myself to this personal hell.

I have my favorite picture up on my desktop. It’s black and white. She has the biggest smile ever – the most perfect smile. Even more special, the smile is for me. I’ll never forget the reason for the smile. That’s when I made a promise – one that I signed every email off with. Now I don’t know if I can ever fulfill that promise. I also made a promise to myself to be the best possible man/boyfriend to her and I utterly failed. I guess that’s why I hate myself so much. I failed her. That picture is… I can’t even begin to describe the beauty of her. She’s so special. I’m going to go crawl back down in my hole now.

I want to rip out what’s left of my soul and just let it be devoured. Ha, I chuckled on that. A bit melodramatic, right? I needed that. Sadly enough it’s still true. Oy.

My first official post will be tomorrow. I’m just setting this up and learning it. This blog is meant to be private and yet for anyone to see. Does that make sense? If not, then this isn’t for you.