It started off on fairly hard times with my then GF, things roller coastered but seemed generally good. She got sick and then things changed somewhere along the way. I can pinpoint the time and the funny part is the very last thing I’ve said to her was inquiring about that and she was going to call. I haven’t heard from her in close to two months. Does it hurt? Sure, like hell. But that’s the way things go. She’s a grown woman living her life, making her choices. She knows how I feel, I know how she feels. She’s a stubborn lil’ lass, a bit sassy too. It’s no wonder I love her. But nothin’ I can do to change that.

The last few months were just dragging by me deciding what I needed to do. I wanted to move. Where to? I wanted a new job? What to do? I just did. Then I had to adjust and find a job. I’ve got that now. It’s taken a while to finally get something and I’ve actually laid out a plan for the future for the very first time in my life. It feels great but the path that lies ahead is still uncertain and it’s very rough getting there if I get there at all.

Obviously we broke up in that time which was very hard. It just gave me the final push I needed to start anew. I’ve been single and then I kind of looked. When someone came along I ran because it just wasn’t right and I knew I wasn’t ready. So here I am single and actually fairly happy about it. I need to start exercising again, I’ve slacked off since an injury. I’ve got a full plate for the next few months. I just have to keep my mind in order and on the path.

Here’s to another year of my incessent ramblings and maybe better times to come. :-)

If you have hope, you have everything!

Why am I thinking of this now? Someone reminded me of her but I couldn’t take it and bailed as she was nowhere near on MSX’s level. I tried not to compare but there were too many red flags and also I had just started to enjoy being single. While I have never forget about MSX I was trying hard not to think of her so these fucking emotions wouldn’t come back. I can’t quell them always but I was doing a good job pretending I was. Now that’s depressing. Anyways, now I have to jump back on the horse and move on after this little ditty.

Sand rains down and here I sit.

So now I’m in a boondoggle upon meeting someone. Fuck this!

The new season of True Blood started Sunday. I have yet to watch the episode. I’ve been busy, though I may watch it tonight depending on how I feel. I’ve been waiting forever to watch it.

The Celtics lost game 6 by a ton. Perkins went down with a sprain. The Celtics kept up the defense fairly well holding the Lakers at 42% shooting however Boston’s offense did not show up, missing a ton of easy shots and layups. I suspect Ray Allen and Paul Pierce will bring hell on Thursday night to take the series. I watched the game over at a friend’s parents’ house. They’re good folk and it’s fun to watch and talk with them. I haven’t decided where I’m watching game 7 yet though I got an invite back again.

I have yet to clean my abode. I know I’m in a funk, right now I feel indifferent about everything. I’m just numb to the world. On my days off I try to motivate myself to clean and then I find every excuse not to. This weekend I will not do that, I have to clean as I’m disgusted by my own mess. It’ll help lift this funk if only for a few hours.

I gave up on religion so I don’t want to even think about that. I’m tired of relationships or even trying at this point… my mind is way too busy for that. I need to start looking for places to move to for when I have enough money. I have to start paying down debt. I need to join the local gym so I can lift weights and hopefully they have an indoor track. The list goes on.

No one knows what it’s like. Some people can relate to similar things, sure.

It’s not women, it’s not money/debt, it’s not lack of a job. Those things are being fixed or in the process of being fixed. That shit brings about lots of stress.

But, no. I’m still sad. I’m asking myself “am I happy?” and my answer is “no.” The obvious followup question is “what do I need to do to be happy?” and all I come up with is a blank. If my idea of moving and starting fresh didn’t fix it then what? What am I without? What am I with? What is holding me back? What do I want? I want nothing… so what do I do with that?

As it’s been pointed out so many times before - I overanalyze. The problem is I can’t stop. I don’t know how to stop. One of the only reliefs is when I go out and relax either via fishing or tanning. I can zone out for a brief time. In fact, I think I’ll go down to the lake and just sit there.

I’m scared, alone, and unhappy. Goddamnit I don’t want to cry anymore. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of skipping meals. I’m sick of not getting any sleep. I’m sick of it all. I don’t know what to do. The fucking worst part of it is that I clam up to myself and I don’t know how to share. I just put on my mask and to everyone else I look like I’m fine but I’m not. Oh no, I’m not.

The idea of surrounding myself with friends is a good one. I’m trying to stay busy and work. It’s just not doing anything. Seeking help is against every being of my nature, I’m far too stubborn. I don’t want help, I don’t want doctors, I don’t want medicines. I can beat this shit.

Sure this comes in cycles but more oft than not I’m on the downward spiral of that cycle. I’m tired of being down in a hole. Where is my escape?

Here’s my problem. He’s trying to do some sort of zero tolerance policy with “personal conduct.” I can understand some punishments levied on convicted players. But who decides what is moral? One man? My issue just happens to be his latest punishment of Ben Roethlisberger. I am biased because I am a fan but that doesn’t change the argument.

We have a person who went clubbing like many other young aged folk. Him and his entourage meet up with some partying sorority girls. They know of him and are hopping from club to club with his group. Clearly there is drinking and flirting going on. They know he’s a TWO time Super Bowl winning quarterback and just got signed to a HUGE contract. They also know he had an unproven rape allegation that was dropped and the conniving female is simply trying to extort him via a civil suit. So is it any surprise one of these women claimed rape again? The DA could not prove anything happened, it’s all he said/she said. So all we have is MAYBE sex in a nightclub but that can’t even be proven. Will this influence 18-26 yr old crowd? No, college men and women will continue to club before this incident, during this incident, and after. This changes and influences nothing.

Where’s this bad conduct? Sex is natural. Most everyone does it. The body craves it. I don’t agree with the choice of location /woman/situation however that’s just a conflict of my personal view. I don’t see it as immoral. Hell, I’m sure there are hundreds of players that are taking full advantage of the fame of being an NFL player and are scoring like Chamberlain and Johnson of NBA notoriety. To me sleeping around like that is despicable. But I won’t hold it against them as that’s just a personal conflict.

As an adult I just think “so he had sex, how does this affect me?” It doesn’t. Why am I pissed? I’m pissed at the fact he was even punished. It doesn’t affect me though, right? True but I DO watch the NFL for entertainment and this whole thing takes away from it. I’ll go on living my life and this will never touch me but I still take issue with it for Ben’s sake and any other player that has been caught like this.

Whether Ben had sex or not doesn’t matter. They’re partying and this is his private life. If he did have sex… again it doesn’t matter. Everyone does (well mostly.) So this affects adults that use logic… none. Does this influence kids? Hell no. There may be an outlier here and there but as a kid I look at Magic Johnson as a basketball god and wished I could play like him. My parents went on and on about how he had sex with all those women and had AIDS. So fucking what? As a kid I wanted to play all the time and I could dream of being like Mike, Wilt, and Magic. This simply won’t influence a kid or dash dreams at all. I know I’d love to look up to a 2 time Super Bowl winning football star. As a kid I wouldn’t “know” about sex nor even care about it, I’d be thinking about having fun.

This incident does not tarnish the image of football or the NFL. That image has long been tarnished by incidents of actual convictions – look at the Cowboys or Bengals just to name a few. Roger is hurting the image more which makes it highly ironic. Now they’re damaging Ben’s career and essentially fining him $2-3 million with the suspensions. So what if he has the money? That’s not the point. He’s earned that and should be given the chance to continue to earn it.

Art Rooney is a moron. He was ready to punish Ben no matter what Roger did (as if ol’ Rog could pass up the opportunity to be a dictator.) Some say quarterbacks are held to the highest standard and making an example of him will show the team does not support his actions. In fact, there’s talk of trading him.

Are you off your fucking rocker? Do you think we’ll lose the first 4-6 games without him? If so what the hell makes you think the backups can finish the season better than that and what makes you think drafting a top quarterback will possibly net better results? Ben is a PROVEN TWO TIME SUPERBOWL WINNING QUARTERBACK. So it’s about principle now, eh? If you want to take a stand then I want every team to dump anyone that has been convicted of a crime, charged with a crime, or investigated for a crime. THAT is taking a stand. That won’t happen so don’t blow smoke up our skirts with that lame excuse.

There is no reason to punish him this harshly… or at all. No crime was committed. No immoral act was committed. Wake up people, you probably had sex this very morning. Do you feel dirty or something? Get over it, it’s natural. You probably had a drink last night so it isn’t the booze you hate. Is it that ”evil dancing and rock roll music” that  bugs you so much? This isn’t the 50’s anymore and just because you’re old doesn’t mean your train of thought is correct as the current generation is nowhere near you (and they’ll be the ones supporting the NFL.) I want the higher ups to get off their high horses.

There is no reason to even think of a trade or to punish him on a team level. Everyone has their heads so far up their asses that they can’t see the absurdity in front of them.

Despite the stupid ESPN pundits saying it’s deserved and “everyone is tired with him” it just simply isn’t true. Fans are still behind him. The big wigs are hanging him out to dry.

I don’t even know what the fuck I’m saying. It’s only midnight but I’m retiring early tonight. I just don’t know anymore. I’m taking it a day at a time and doing it my way. I guess I’m just a lil’ bit anxious.

EDIT: It’s 22 hours later and I’ve had a few Guinness and Pepsi. There’s many things bothering me. There’s the heartbreak I still feel. I can’t help it. I know time has passed but I still love her. :-( I love talking with her as she always, always, always cheers me up. I still think about her every day and I miss her so much but I can’t say anything. Oy. Then there’s the moving situation - I’m a bit nervous at that as well as really excited too. There’s the uncertainty on getting settled down but I have faith I’ll find find my way. I don’t have anything lined up. Same goes for my job. I really am glad to be leaving my current job. The job was easy but I didn’t get any hours or money or the most important aspect – satisfaction. When there is no satisfaction to be had it is time to move on. I want to do something that makes me happy. So I have a general direction I’m going I just don’t know what will happen. It’s exciting and makes me anxious all at once. To top off this shit there’s the friend stuff, family stuff, and wedding stuff all depressing me. There really is just too much at once right now and I feel like I’m going to explode. I don’t expect a damned thing to go smoothly and if it does then hot damn I’m there. If not then don’t expect to hear any “yeah buddy” anytime soon.

I ended a friendship today. It hurt badly. I couldn’t commit to a wedding. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been planning my shit for months on end now. Then I have several people I know getting married and it’s at the worst possible time for me. I tried not being selfish but I can’t do that anymore. I’m miserable. I wanted to make some of those weddings but other issues have forced my hand. I cannot do it. I cried when he sent a text to end the friendship. I kind of expected his response but I didn’t expect my emotional response. I hurt.

I already lost my girlfriend/best friend due to my stupidity. Now him. I’ve pretty much ostracized myself from my family for other personal reasons. Here I am alone again and miserable. Yay me.

I know I have to work through this. I’m almost there to my goal. I just put in to quit at my job. I’m moving on with my life.

I am thoroughly depressed and it keeps getting worse every fucking day even though I try to look up I keep getting dragged back down. I cannot escape this hole I’m in at this rate. I must keep trying. :-(

I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulder. Well, that feeling came long ago but cutting ties was the final reprieve. I feel better. :-)

It does suck. It sucks for my siblings too. I just won’t put up with it for their sakes, I’ve done that long enough. It’s now about me. Selfish. Yeah, fuck it. You have to stand up for yourself some time. There will be plenty of other times to give of yourself but this is not one of those times. Tomorrow is getting hotter, make no mistake. ;-) That one is for you.