My Beautiful Disaster

I’ll make this quick. I salvaged some friendships but not before dipping down into some deep depression. I got help from my good friend MSX, she’s a saint in her own way. It’s always a pleasure talking with her. I’m still down but there’s a bunch of stuff going on and I’m getting to the saturation point. It’s all coming together and I have to get it going.

I don’t even know what the fuck I’m saying. It’s only midnight but I’m retiring early tonight. I just don’t know anymore. I’m taking it a day at a time and doing it my way. I guess I’m just a lil’ bit anxious.

EDIT: It’s 22 hours later and I’ve had a few Guinness and Pepsi. There’s many things bothering me. There’s the heartbreak I still feel. I can’t help it. I know time has passed but I still love her. :-( I love talking with her as she always, always, always cheers me up. I still think about her every day and I miss her so much but I can’t say anything. Oy. Then there’s the moving situation - I’m a bit nervous at that as well as really excited too. There’s the uncertainty on getting settled down but I have faith I’ll find find my way. I don’t have anything lined up. Same goes for my job. I really am glad to be leaving my current job. The job was easy but I didn’t get any hours or money or the most important aspect – satisfaction. When there is no satisfaction to be had it is time to move on. I want to do something that makes me happy. So I have a general direction I’m going I just don’t know what will happen. It’s exciting and makes me anxious all at once. To top off this shit there’s the friend stuff, family stuff, and wedding stuff all depressing me. There really is just too much at once right now and I feel like I’m going to explode. I don’t expect a damned thing to go smoothly and if it does then hot damn I’m there. If not then don’t expect to hear any “yeah buddy” anytime soon.

I had some time to cool down. I will box my things up tomorrow in my preparation for my big move. I will probably leave around the first of March. I want to do it sooner but there’s one thing I’m holding off on. We shall see.

I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulder. Well, that feeling came long ago but cutting ties was the final reprieve. I feel better. :-)

It does suck. It sucks for my siblings too. I just won’t put up with it for their sakes, I’ve done that long enough. It’s now about me. Selfish. Yeah, fuck it. You have to stand up for yourself some time. There will be plenty of other times to give of yourself but this is not one of those times. Tomorrow is getting hotter, make no mistake. ;-) That one is for you.

For those of you without (or with) religion should read Immanuel Kant’s “Groundwork for the Metaphysics of Morals.” In it he posits a philosophy known as the Categorical Imperative in which it sets a standard to judge whether a person’s actions are right. It covers most everything and is still quite hard for me to grasp.

This is the summary of the CI. It is broken down into 3 maxims as follows.

1. “Act only according to that maxim whereby you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law.” Meaning: The first premise is that a person acts morally if his or her conduct would, without condition, be the “right” conduct for any person in similar circumstances.
2. “Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of any other, always at the same time as an end and never merely as a means to an end.” Meaning: Conduct is “right” if it treats others as ends in themselves and not as means to an end.
3. “Therefore, every rational being must so act as if he were through his maxim always a legislating member in the universal kingdom of ends.” Meaning: A person acts morally when he or she acts as if his or her conduct was establishing a universal law governing others in similar circumstances.

The simplest way to remember it is usually by the first maxim above. The others help deal with all scenarios of morality plus there’s a concept of perfect and imperfect duty to help as well. I won’t break those down here but a link is provided below.

“Duty is the necessity to act out of reverence for the moral law set by the categorical imperative. Because the consequences of an act are not the source of its moral worth, the source must be the maxim under which the act is performed, irrespective of all aspects or faculties of desire. Thus, an act can have moral content if, and only if, it is carried out solely with regard to a sense of moral duty; it is not enough that the act be consistent with duty, it must be carried out in the name of fulfilling a duty.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Categorical_imperative

What brings me to this post? Just shit I’ve seen in life which makes me shake my head. These are the principles I try to live by. It’s how I can look myself in the mirror if I have to make a decision that is right but could hurt a friend. Hopefully I won’t ever be in that position.

I’ll leave with one of my favorite (related) quotes: “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” – Edmund Burke.

I’m constantly trying to improve myself both physically and mentally. I’ll never hit that mark even if I were the most perfect man on earth. There’s always something I can be doing better. To reach perfection you have to keep changing. The problem with that definition is there is never a place to stop, ergo it can’t be reached. That’s alright by me.

John Powell once said “I am afraid to tell you who I am, because, if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and that’s all I have.”

I don’t really care about what people think about me. Well, on a level I do but since I conduct myself with moral/ethical regards I know that I’ll usually be good in other peoples’ eyes. There are certain people opinions that I do care about more than others’… especially one in particular. That’s the one that matters to me even moreso than my own. I know I’ll never hit perfection but I’ll make damned sure I try.

I do have a caveat though. I AM afraid to open up to people because if they reject those thoughts they are rejecting me. That’s why Mr. Powell’s quote hits so close to home. I guess it’s the similar as to why I don’t want to show off my body because someone might point and laugh except this is much worse. Thoughts are much more important than anything else and if I show myself, I leave myself exposed. I don’t have much and I don’t care if I didn’t have a thing but I value my integrity and thoughts and feelings and if those are taken away I am nothing. I had a hurtful comment posted early on. I left it up as a reminder. Even anonymous internet users can suck the wind outta your sails. I take them with a grain of salt but I do look to improve upon where I can.

I know I can’t reach perfection in my own eyes. I count my flaws out everyday. Gotta love self-esteem. I’m not slittin’ my wrists here, I’m just being realistic. I try to improve upon myself though. Same goes for looks… I stay very clean. I don’t dress up… not my cup of tea. I give people the real me. I also workout fairly regularly to maintain a good physique. I slacked off for several months so now I’m working at it again. Not perfect nor will it ever be in my eyes but it is actually doable.

What does it take to be perfect? Change/Adaptation & Willpower/Mindset. I groom myself for myself but I do it for my significant other too. I’d expect the same courtesy back. I have personality flaws but I work on attitude so I can be a better person. It takes work and time like everything else in life. I don’t mind it. It’s amazing what turning off the TV or computer will do for you… suddenly a lot more time is available to accomplish these things.

My perfection will be complete if I can just get rid of my depression and my anxiety problems. I know that’ll never happen.

“I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war… our Great Depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.” – Tyler Durden, Fight Club.

I’ll be the first to say I wasn’t a fan of this movie at all. It was all rather lame for me. This quote is about the only bit of gold down in that empty vane. However, these words are very true. I’m at the point that I don’t know what I want to do with my life and I’m falling down. It’s not a disaster but it leaves me confused day in and day out. I’ll take control sometime, right now I seem content in my misery. I’m slowly working on it but I just can’t seem to breathe.

I won’t get into the anti-capitalism vibe from the quote. I don’t think materialism is a horrid thing but it does leave us with the troubles listed at the end of the quote. It’s our own choice and it’s all about moderation. I see the truth in the statement and I’m not blind to it. That’s why I don’t give a shit about money nor a job. They’re only tools to get me where I need to go. It’s the destination and how to get there that is giving me a problem.

Let’s talk about money. This goes hand in hand – actually it’s a spinoff. I’m using a thread I read for this post. Anyways, someone asks why money can’t buy happiness because he or she thinks that is bullshit.

Everyone’s definition of happiness will differ. I think of it as merely a tool to achieve happiness. It can also be viewed as insulation from misery. Money makes life easier and that does give one a level of satisfaction. I’ll gladly admit to that. My true happiness though? Can’t be bought. Sure I’ll enjoy money, who wouldn’t? It’s the love of money that gets some folks in trouble. They find themselves without true friends or loved ones. A human is social, even the loners like me. We can go our own ways but we’ll be miserable or never satisfied which may not be mutually exclusive. There are some that live for money and perhaps the saying is true. I don’t really care. I know what I want. Happiness is a long ways off for me at the moment.