My Beautiful Disaster

Well, I guess I get what I deserve since I counted my chickens before they hatched. She didn’t call yesterday, actually to my surprise. Let me rephrase that, I figured I might get some call, perhaps not a long one but I figured she’d try or at least an email after she was done shopping. I think she was super tired when she got done so that’s why I didn’t get a call. That’s pure speculation but I think it’s a good one at that. That said, okay she didn’t call yesterday. But today? I can’t tell you what the situation is yet but let’s just say I thought today I’d get a call. Now the day isn’t through yet and I can see myself getting a call tonight, that would actually be more like the usual. But I figured she might call more than once today, at least that’s what I was hoping for. I’ll take one long call tonight, don’t get me wrong. I really hope I get a 3 hour call with her, it’s just that I expected one much sooner. Blah.

I spent most of the day reading the Southern Vampire Mysteries or as it’s otherwise called “the Sookie Stackhouse Novels.” That’s the books the show True Blood is based off of. So far the show has followed the first book pretty darned close. I’m only halfway through, I expect to finish tomorrow.

I also ran an errand that I won’t say just yet because it’s something special for my Ms. Sexy X and I wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise. She doesn’t read this blog but in case I let her in on it, I wouldn’t want to ruin it. I’ll make a draft of it so I can post it at a later date when the timing is right. I made 2 Target runs today. There’s two in my town so I went to both. I got two shirts for 8 bucks, some chocolate, some cheese, and Crest White Strips. I’m going to end up with enough to last me for years which is what I want. Get them now while I can – cheap. I have my ways. ;-)

I also did some laundry and cleaned the kitchen. The kitchen is still a mess because there’s some remodeling going on but the dishes are clean and most of the countertops/table is clean. The floor is gone beyond salvagable but that’s part of the remodel so it doesn’t matter.

Other than that, my day has been pretty steady. I can’t stop thinking of Ms. Sexy X and wondering what’s going on. I keep wishing I am there, constantly. I hate being so far apart from her.

As I’m reading and as I watch the show I see parallels that are uncanny. One was where Sam waited to express his feelings to Sookie but she asked why he waited until another man came along and that it is his loss. Granted, Ms. Sexy X knows exactly how I feel and that’s not a problem… but I keep asking why I’m waiting. I’m sorry, why WE’RE waiting. I would have been there with her long ago. Part of me struggles with not accepting why and the other understands totally. I guess why I have doubts is I’m a romantic and I think there’s no valid reason we should be apart if we’re in love. I still believe that. We’ll be together… true but every second we waste is just that. Let us waste not another millisecond is what I think regardless of the reasons.

I can’t explain the situation but her reasons are valid and I respect and love her. I’d do anything for her and she knows that. In this case that “anything” is nothing. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck fuck. It makes me want to scream “ARRRRRRRRRGH!”

Please say the word. I beg for that everyday though she doesn’t know it.

I know that all sounds so pathetic but I can’t help it. She is perfect for me, my soulmate. If you have that then you know the feeling and you wouldn’t want to be apart, especially this far, and not for long, again especially this long. It is pure torture – plain and simple. And that’s not to make light of actual torture, this tortures the soul and the mind.

What I force myself to do is focus on the good. That’s easy enough and I focus on her and I find myself smiling. I love her so.