I still have my moments of loneliness and depression but thankfully it’s not too bad and lasts a short while. When they come I just get up and leave, drive to a scenic spot and just relax. I can stare at the mountains or the clouds or the water and drift away. I’m still heartbroke and that takes its toll on me even though I try not to let it. I have my mask on but even it breaks on occasion. Fuck, why do I still have feelings of love and heartache? I wish it was easy as moving on or getting callous. I had a deep connection – I don’t regret that at all. She’s still my best friend but it sure makes it harder. Life is just hard, I struggle and push on in it and that’s what I have to do here. I don’t care about anything anymore, at least that’s what I tell myself. I’m capable of caring but I think throwing up a wall is easier in the beginning and end so why bother with anything else? Heyyyyy, that almost sounds callous except I might just be foolin’ myself. Awwwesome!

I ended a friendship today. It hurt badly. I couldn’t commit to a wedding. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been planning my shit for months on end now. Then I have several people I know getting married and it’s at the worst possible time for me. I tried not being selfish but I can’t do that anymore. I’m miserable. I wanted to make some of those weddings but other issues have forced my hand. I cannot do it. I cried when he sent a text to end the friendship. I kind of expected his response but I didn’t expect my emotional response. I hurt.

I already lost my girlfriend/best friend due to my stupidity. Now him. I’ve pretty much ostracized myself from my family for other personal reasons. Here I am alone again and miserable. Yay me.

I know I have to work through this. I’m almost there to my goal. I just put in to quit at my job. I’m moving on with my life.

I am thoroughly depressed and it keeps getting worse every fucking day even though I try to look up I keep getting dragged back down. I cannot escape this hole I’m in at this rate. I must keep trying. :-(

My friend got the swine flu earlier this week. I hadn’t talked to him in that long and he invited me over to watch UFC. I was iffy, the fight card didn’t interest me too much and I don’t have money to spare but for gas and food until payday. I didn’t want to go over initially because of his illness which was a week old by now and probably not spreadable. I think I hurt his feelings a little on that. I felt bad so I went over but I was rude and didn’t officially state I was coming over I guess. I’m pretty sure I told him I’d be late because I was moving but I guess I didn’t outright say it? I also told him I was short on cash but I guess I didn’t outright say I’d not pay tonight. I didn’t know I had to break it down. But he got mad at me and said I haven’t paid him for any other fights which I know I have. I was nervous and embarrassed the whole time I was there and for good reason because when he said that… it hurt. I know I’ve paid him before. So now I’ve come to the conclusion I’m never accepting gifts again save from Ms. Sexy X. We know it’s not tit for tat, it’s from the heart. She’s smart in doing that… I thought it was sad but I see you can’t get hurt in doing that. Oy fucking vey. My friend and I are on good terms again, I apologized for being rude and promised to pay him back. But the damage is done and I’ll be weary from here on out.

The main fight was weak. Belfort beat Franklin pretty quickly and while they were good hits, they didn’t seem solid but it got Franklin down and one solid hammer fist to the back of the head seemed to do it, though the followup jabs helped I’m sure.

I’m still thinking about my Ms. Sexy X calling last night. I’m still riding that wave. I haven’t had proper time to sit down and think about that. I’ll do that tomorrow. I also got two incredibly cute texts this morning which were slightly sad as well. Aw, my babe. :-) I miss her so.