I ended a friendship today. It hurt badly. I couldn’t commit to a wedding. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been planning my shit for months on end now. Then I have several people I know getting married and it’s at the worst possible time for me. I tried not being selfish but I can’t do that anymore. I’m miserable. I wanted to make some of those weddings but other issues have forced my hand. I cannot do it. I cried when he sent a text to end the friendship. I kind of expected his response but I didn’t expect my emotional response. I hurt.

I already lost my girlfriend/best friend due to my stupidity. Now him. I’ve pretty much ostracized myself from my family for other personal reasons. Here I am alone again and miserable. Yay me.

I know I have to work through this. I’m almost there to my goal. I just put in to quit at my job. I’m moving on with my life.

I am thoroughly depressed and it keeps getting worse every fucking day even though I try to look up I keep getting dragged back down. I cannot escape this hole I’m in at this rate. I must keep trying. :-(

I guess I reap what I sow and this is how Ms. Sexy X felt when I said what I said. I’ve never felt so sad in my life as when we broke up. I know she was sad too. I’m not mad at her, in fact I still love her deeply. I miss her too. But it’s over. I still cry every fucking day like a pussy. That’s a broken heart for you.

This family issue… it sucks because I’m alienating my siblings due to my parents. I don’t mean to hurt them but I’m left with no choice. If I want to escape with my sanity this is the only thing I can do.

I’m depressed tonight. I’m really missing my girlfriend too. I never did tell her too much about my fights with my parents. I guess I figured it was between us and we’d patch it up. Then she drifted from me so I didn’t get to let her in deeper and update her as things got worse. I am jealous of her great relationship with her parents. They are the exact opposite of my folks and more like me. It’s a damned shame.

I had put up most of the things that remind me of her. I do keep something in my pocket which I probably shouldn’t but I can’t help it. I also have her perfume that I like to take a breath of every now and then. I figure there are so many things in the house and outside the house that remind me of her, I can hold onto those two. A picture of hers fell beside my bed which I found last night. I cried myself to sleep the first go around. Hell, I got tears again.

I’m moving on but just really slowly. I don’t mind it, probably because I love thinking of her. I stopped doing many of the things I normally did just because I am trying to move on. What’s funny is things would have been so different if the cancer didn’t happen or kick in right when it did. I’m pretty sure I would have still fallen out with my parents… it was on that course since ‘08 really. I had been working to just keep it neutral but things have degraded steadily. But I would have been with Ms. Sexy X. If “ifs and buts” were candy and nuts… yada yada yada.

I didn’t want to gush anymore on her and I intended not to as it would show I’m not moving on but this whole situation has brought on a gamut of emotions.

Life, it’s a bitch at times. I’ve learned that I have to grab it by the horns and make it my own bitch. Vulgar? Hell fucking yeah. But that’s the way it’s gotta be. I won’t live in fear anymore.

She doesn’t understand that I don’t want to talk, that I’m independent, and that she needs to back off. Of course I get the blame for everything even when I tell her the absolute truth of the matter. I don’t care anymore.

I told her not to talk to me anymore. My dad understands me, he’s trying to fix things but I have a feeling it’s irreparable.

I panicked because I couldnt find a receipt for a laser printer I bought the other day on sale. I bought my brother’s old one for much cheaper so I returned this one. The receipt was where I originally thought it was, it just fell under a box somehow.

When I got back home I decided to tackle cleaning the bathrooms. No problem for mine and the other bathroom but my brother left the master bath a complete fucking mess. It was dirty nasty. I should have made his ass clean it up but I opted to. I scrubbed and scrubbed which isn’t easy when you have a bum wrist. It’s not spotless, but it is far closer to being clean than it was after only a hour and a half of cleaning.

I then vacuumed as much as I could, getting the crevices good before I put down bug spray. I’ve killed 3 wolf spiders and 2 silverfish lately so I had to get on that.

I decided to go run a mile tonight as well. Yeah, I was tired but fuck it. I ran almost the whole mile, the last hundred yards I did a full out sprint. My legs still felt fresh and my lungs felt good, I could have gone another mile or two I bet. But I just cooled down, did a little backwards running, and then took a cold shower just in time to settle down in bed to watch some Monday Night Football.

I called the Dolphins to win this, confusing the Jets D with their wildcat formations. So far that’s been working. The Jets had two major drive saving fake punts which revived the drive and led to two scores (TD and FG.) The game might be much more lopsided if it wasn’t for that. The Dolphins have been using Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams to great effect. They’ve eaten up so much clock as usual. Michael Vick would be the perfect QB for this wildcat offense. I’m impressed at the running game, that’s all it is. If they could get some good pass plays in, wow the offense would be untouchable.

I’ll probably watch a movie or something after this. I’m not sure. I’m bored and lonely. My mom called earlier today and pissed me off as usual. I’m about done with this shit. During my vacation I’m going to see if I can’t look for an apartment so I can just move. I’ll get a new phone too. Whether I disconnect the old one will depend on how much she bugs me. I don’t hate them or anything but she keeps annoying me about stupid shit and I’m just fed up.

My friend got the swine flu earlier this week. I hadn’t talked to him in that long and he invited me over to watch UFC. I was iffy, the fight card didn’t interest me too much and I don’t have money to spare but for gas and food until payday. I didn’t want to go over initially because of his illness which was a week old by now and probably not spreadable. I think I hurt his feelings a little on that. I felt bad so I went over but I was rude and didn’t officially state I was coming over I guess. I’m pretty sure I told him I’d be late because I was moving but I guess I didn’t outright say it? I also told him I was short on cash but I guess I didn’t outright say I’d not pay tonight. I didn’t know I had to break it down. But he got mad at me and said I haven’t paid him for any other fights which I know I have. I was nervous and embarrassed the whole time I was there and for good reason because when he said that… it hurt. I know I’ve paid him before. So now I’ve come to the conclusion I’m never accepting gifts again save from Ms. Sexy X. We know it’s not tit for tat, it’s from the heart. She’s smart in doing that… I thought it was sad but I see you can’t get hurt in doing that. Oy fucking vey. My friend and I are on good terms again, I apologized for being rude and promised to pay him back. But the damage is done and I’ll be weary from here on out.

The main fight was weak. Belfort beat Franklin pretty quickly and while they were good hits, they didn’t seem solid but it got Franklin down and one solid hammer fist to the back of the head seemed to do it, though the followup jabs helped I’m sure.

I’m still thinking about my Ms. Sexy X calling last night. I’m still riding that wave. I haven’t had proper time to sit down and think about that. I’ll do that tomorrow. I also got two incredibly cute texts this morning which were slightly sad as well. Aw, my babe. :-) I miss her so.