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What Path Might We Take

Friday, July 2nd, 2010

I’m feeling a little better now and if I should jump again I think I know where to. Am I on a path of destruction? Sounds like fun to me. It’s not like I’m doing anything illegal.

I’ve got a plan of action for right now. Job wise, housing wise, etc. I just need some more time and MONEY. If only it were so easy.

I caught up on True Blood. That shit is addicting. I can’t stand but loooove the way they leave every episode hanging and then they pick it right up in the next. It’s perfect. Predictions – Tara hooks up with Jason but Jason goes back to whatchyamacallit town and finds the werepanther girl. Maybe she comes to Jason, who cares. The werewolves seem kind of weak which is disappointing thus far. Alcid is just meh. Hopefully they spice them up a bit. It seems to me that Sookie is thinner and more gaunt this season. Like her face is showing some age. I don’t know but something seems really different. I’m not sure how much down time was between shoots, they just finished not too long ago so maybe I can find an updated pic to compare to. Sam boy still seems alright, his character is more laid back now but getting caught up in family drama. I don’t care for this because I though only the first born could be full shifter. The gay vampires are a hoot. I’m sure that was easy for someone to write in. ;-) The best part was Erik banging that hot vamp chick for 6 hours straight. Dude’s my hero. Ha. Let’s not forget Pam going down on her too. Funny, over the top debauchery… I love it.

I love meeting new people. I’m getting bored with the current ones. Too immature. Is that wrong of me? I’m doing what I want. Fuck ‘em all. I have an appetite for destruction.

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Good Bye, Ball!

Tuesday, April 20th, 2010

I’ve made some friends here, some of them are fun to hang out with and others not so much. One of the girls is full of energy which makes her fun to hang out with. I’m used to running with an older crowd and I do prefer that but they will do. My main complaint is having all this free time and hanging out with them is something to kill time and have fun. It’s the most I’ve smiled and laughed in months. I’ve had moments but it’s so fucking relaxing. I’m keeping busy by working out and staying active. I’m taking back up golf (I never quit but it’s been a few months due to money and weather.) This older gentleman has given me pointers that has vastly improved my game and I’m now eager to keep practicing to make it feel natural.

I still have my moments of loneliness and depression but thankfully it’s not too bad and lasts a short while. When they come I just get up and leave, drive to a scenic spot and just relax. I can stare at the mountains or the clouds or the water and drift away. I’m still heartbroke and that takes its toll on me even though I try not to let it. I have my mask on but even it breaks on occasion. Fuck, why do I still have feelings of love and heartache? I wish it was easy as moving on or getting callous. I had a deep connection – I don’t regret that at all. She’s still my best friend but it sure makes it harder. Life is just hard, I struggle and push on in it and that’s what I have to do here. I don’t care about anything anymore, at least that’s what I tell myself. I’m capable of caring but I think throwing up a wall is easier in the beginning and end so why bother with anything else? Heyyyyy, that almost sounds callous except I might just be foolin’ myself. Awwwesome!

Posted in Exercise, Friends, Golf, Myself | No Comments »

Downward Spiral

Monday, February 15th, 2010

I keep going down in fucking flames. It’s as if every action I take is the absolute wrong choice. It’s getting to me.

I ended a friendship today. It hurt badly. I couldn’t commit to a wedding. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been planning my shit for months on end now. Then I have several people I know getting married and it’s at the worst possible time for me. I tried not being selfish but I can’t do that anymore. I’m miserable. I wanted to make some of those weddings but other issues have forced my hand. I cannot do it. I cried when he sent a text to end the friendship. I kind of expected his response but I didn’t expect my emotional response. I hurt.

I already lost my girlfriend/best friend due to my stupidity. Now him. I’ve pretty much ostracized myself from my family for other personal reasons. Here I am alone again and miserable. Yay me.

I know I have to work through this. I’m almost there to my goal. I just put in to quit at my job. I’m moving on with my life.

I am thoroughly depressed and it keeps getting worse every fucking day even though I try to look up I keep getting dragged back down. I cannot escape this hole I’m in at this rate. I must keep trying. :-(

Posted in Family, Friends, Thoughts | No Comments »

And Another Sleepless Night

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010

I’ve had another falling out with the folks. I have now written them off. I actually feel better now. It does hurt but not as much as I thought. I guess because we’ve been on this path for a year now. Honestly, it hurt more to lose my girlfriend but probably because I was much closer to her than them. I was always closest to my dad but he did something tonight to sever that connection permanently.

I guess I reap what I sow and this is how Ms. Sexy X felt when I said what I said. I’ve never felt so sad in my life as when we broke up. I know she was sad too. I’m not mad at her, in fact I still love her deeply. I miss her too. But it’s over. I still cry every fucking day like a pussy. That’s a broken heart for you.

This family issue… it sucks because I’m alienating my siblings due to my parents. I don’t mean to hurt them but I’m left with no choice. If I want to escape with my sanity this is the only thing I can do.

I’m depressed tonight. I’m really missing my girlfriend too. I never did tell her too much about my fights with my parents. I guess I figured it was between us and we’d patch it up. Then she drifted from me so I didn’t get to let her in deeper and update her as things got worse. I am jealous of her great relationship with her parents. They are the exact opposite of my folks and more like me. It’s a damned shame.

I had put up most of the things that remind me of her. I do keep something in my pocket which I probably shouldn’t but I can’t help it. I also have her perfume that I like to take a breath of every now and then. I figure there are so many things in the house and outside the house that remind me of her, I can hold onto those two. A picture of hers fell beside my bed which I found last night. I cried myself to sleep the first go around. Hell, I got tears again.

I’m moving on but just really slowly. I don’t mind it, probably because I love thinking of her. I stopped doing many of the things I normally did just because I am trying to move on. What’s funny is things would have been so different if the cancer didn’t happen or kick in right when it did. I’m pretty sure I would have still fallen out with my parents… it was on that course since ‘08 really. I had been working to just keep it neutral but things have degraded steadily. But I would have been with Ms. Sexy X. If “ifs and buts” were candy and nuts… yada yada yada.

I didn’t want to gush anymore on her and I intended not to as it would show I’m not moving on but this whole situation has brought on a gamut of emotions.

Life, it’s a bitch at times. I’ve learned that I have to grab it by the horns and make it my own bitch. Vulgar? Hell fucking yeah. But that’s the way it’s gotta be. I won’t live in fear anymore.

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Time To Move Far Away

Sunday, October 25th, 2009

I fought with my mom again. She doesn’t get me nor makes any attempt to. I’m done with her.

She doesn’t understand that I don’t want to talk, that I’m independent, and that she needs to back off. Of course I get the blame for everything even when I tell her the absolute truth of the matter. I don’t care anymore.

I told her not to talk to me anymore. My dad understands me, he’s trying to fix things but I have a feeling it’s irreparable.

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Cleaning Frenzy

Monday, October 12th, 2009

I woke up this morning very comfortable and not wanting to get out of bed. I actually woke up way early but I finally awoke at 9AM. I managed to finally get a little more sleep until 11AM but I don’t really consider that sleep. I was well rested, I just wanted to try and get more. Anyways, what got me out of bed was a shower and breakfast. I love lounging but I need to take a shower or else I feel grimy. I settled back in bed to watch NCIS. I love that show, Michael Weatherly is by far my favorite character, he makes that show what it is. I made a to-do list and realized I needed to send off my letter. Apparently, it’s a holiday so the timing didn’t matter as the post office is closed (trying to hit the 3:30 pickup.) Oh well. Back to the letter… I had typed it up but hadn’t written it yet. I like to hand write my letters to Ms. Sexy X, it’s more special and romantic I think. Normally I don’t do a rough draft but I found it easier to get all my thoughts out because I can type much quicker than I can write and that allows me to not forget what I want to say. It took me 1.5 hours to write my letter. My hand cramps up due to my wrist injury so it’s no surprise when I have to rest it frequently. I sent the shirt with letter inside and it should arrive by Thursday. Now she won’t read it until much later so I guess it doesn’t even matter. She indicated my last letter never arrived because her cousin said she didn’t see anything. :-(

I panicked because I couldnt find a receipt for a laser printer I bought the other day on sale. I bought my brother’s old one for much cheaper so I returned this one. The receipt was where I originally thought it was, it just fell under a box somehow.

When I got back home I decided to tackle cleaning the bathrooms. No problem for mine and the other bathroom but my brother left the master bath a complete fucking mess. It was dirty nasty. I should have made his ass clean it up but I opted to. I scrubbed and scrubbed which isn’t easy when you have a bum wrist. It’s not spotless, but it is far closer to being clean than it was after only a hour and a half of cleaning.

I then vacuumed as much as I could, getting the crevices good before I put down bug spray. I’ve killed 3 wolf spiders and 2 silverfish lately so I had to get on that.

I decided to go run a mile tonight as well. Yeah, I was tired but fuck it. I ran almost the whole mile, the last hundred yards I did a full out sprint. My legs still felt fresh and my lungs felt good, I could have gone another mile or two I bet. But I just cooled down, did a little backwards running, and then took a cold shower just in time to settle down in bed to watch some Monday Night Football.

I called the Dolphins to win this, confusing the Jets D with their wildcat formations. So far that’s been working. The Jets had two major drive saving fake punts which revived the drive and led to two scores (TD and FG.) The game might be much more lopsided if it wasn’t for that. The Dolphins have been using Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams to great effect. They’ve eaten up so much clock as usual. Michael Vick would be the perfect QB for this wildcat offense. I’m impressed at the running game, that’s all it is. If they could get some good pass plays in, wow the offense would be untouchable.

I’ll probably watch a movie or something after this. I’m not sure. I’m bored and lonely. My mom called earlier today and pissed me off as usual. I’m about done with this shit. During my vacation I’m going to see if I can’t look for an apartment so I can just move. I’ll get a new phone too. Whether I disconnect the old one will depend on how much she bugs me. I don’t hate them or anything but she keeps annoying me about stupid shit and I’m just fed up.

Posted in Exercise, Family, Ms. Sexy X, NFL | No Comments »

This One Goes Out To The Ones I Love

Saturday, October 3rd, 2009

I’m on the 15th day of no communication. It’s rough. My day has gone downhill since 2PM.

A woman pulled up to the curb in front of the house. My neighbor on the right side was a little old lady, so very nice. I should have talked with her more but life keeps one busy sometimes and prevents idle chat. Anyways, there was a hospice van a few days ago but I had to go so I didn’t know what that was all about. I hadn’t seen her in 2-3 months which was strange. She had colon cancer removed at the beginning of this year. I was worried she was sick. I got worried that she died when I saw a bunch of cars and sad faces in her driveway yesterday morning. The woman that pulled up got out and asked if I heard about Lois. I said no. She informed me that Lois died this morning and she thought I should know since she always spoke highly of me. I had that feeling and I knew it when she got out. I didn’t know Lois as well as I should have but I can say without a doubt she was a good person. Why does cancer have to be so god damned evil? It makes me sick with hatred and anger. May Lois rest in peace and if there’s an afterlife, I hope it’s a good one for her. I sat out on the back deck and cried on and off for two hours.

I’ve been thinking about my Ms. Sexy X as well and this recent news didn’t help my mood. I miss her more than ever. I wonder what’s going on, why won’t she contact me? Did I do something wrong or did something happen to her? Both are very scary prospects in my mind.

I can’t wait anymore. Life is too precious and too short to sit idly by. I already have a ticket, I’m determined to go to her. I hope things work out. I’m pinning everything on this.

I have a message that only one person in the world would get. A small handful of others can guess what it means as well.

Lily, I Love You.

That’s all for tonight. I’ve got a long, lonely night ahead of me filled with doubt, fear, and tears. Awesome.

Posted in Ms. Sexy X, People, Thoughts | No Comments »

Movin’ On Up

Saturday, September 19th, 2009

I helped my brother move today. I wasn’t looking forward to it, in fact I was looking to avoid it. But I was curious to see his new house and I wasn’t really doing anything. As it turned out it ate up my whole evening. It was pretty easy, there was quite a while I just stood there because he wasn’t organized and was figuring things out. He wasted a lot of time on that.

My friend got the swine flu earlier this week. I hadn’t talked to him in that long and he invited me over to watch UFC. I was iffy, the fight card didn’t interest me too much and I don’t have money to spare but for gas and food until payday. I didn’t want to go over initially because of his illness which was a week old by now and probably not spreadable. I think I hurt his feelings a little on that. I felt bad so I went over but I was rude and didn’t officially state I was coming over I guess. I’m pretty sure I told him I’d be late because I was moving but I guess I didn’t outright say it? I also told him I was short on cash but I guess I didn’t outright say I’d not pay tonight. I didn’t know I had to break it down. But he got mad at me and said I haven’t paid him for any other fights which I know I have. I was nervous and embarrassed the whole time I was there and for good reason because when he said that… it hurt. I know I’ve paid him before. So now I’ve come to the conclusion I’m never accepting gifts again save from Ms. Sexy X. We know it’s not tit for tat, it’s from the heart. She’s smart in doing that… I thought it was sad but I see you can’t get hurt in doing that. Oy fucking vey. My friend and I are on good terms again, I apologized for being rude and promised to pay him back. But the damage is done and I’ll be weary from here on out.

The main fight was weak. Belfort beat Franklin pretty quickly and while they were good hits, they didn’t seem solid but it got Franklin down and one solid hammer fist to the back of the head seemed to do it, though the followup jabs helped I’m sure.

I’m still thinking about my Ms. Sexy X calling last night. I’m still riding that wave. I haven’t had proper time to sit down and think about that. I’ll do that tomorrow. I also got two incredibly cute texts this morning which were slightly sad as well. Aw, my babe. :-) I miss her so.

Posted in Family, Friends, Ms. Sexy X, UFC | No Comments »

I Hate Cell Phones

Monday, September 14th, 2009

I just got a dozen text messages from Ms. Sexy X. She’s been sending messages but either her carrier is delaying them big time or mine is. Either way, that pisses me off that I’m not getting them when she sends them. :-( I was super happy to get them though. :-) That’s certainly a great way to start off my morning! (I love cell phones, I guess I just loathe them. Ha.)

On to the NFL. Wow, what a day. Truthfully, I didn’t watch all the games. I just didn’t feel like it though I’ve seen all the replays now and I did watch some of the games.

The first game of interest was the Vikings/Browns game. I expected the Vikes to take it easy enough but the Browns did give them a run for their money for a while. But when you have Adrian Peterson, it’s pretty much over. He can be shut down though… if their defense was stronger I’d say they’d be real good Super Bowl contenders. The NFC is weak though so anything can happen (hell like the Cardinals going… hahaha!) AP had a sick run where he juked, stiff armed, and raced his way to a TD.

I’ve been telling folks that play fantasy football to pick up Drew Brees. The Saints may not be winning games but with 5,000 passing yards in last season alone, he’s a guarantee for points. Once again he rained the bombs down, this time all over the Lions. You knew that was coming. 358 yards and SIX touchdown passes…You’re looking at 52 fantasy points off of him alone! He had a great pass and a great catch to tight end Jeremy Shockey who had the presence of mind to keep both toes in the goal and get possession of the ball with two defensive backs falling on him. Wow. I’ve also said to get Greg Jennings (or Donald Driver if GJ isn’t available.) Aaron Rodgers proves he can handle the Packers offense and those are his goto guys. In a West Coast Offense, you can expect major yardage and touchdowns from them both. They dismantled the Bears yesterday. Somehow it managed to be a close game even though the douche that is Jay Cutler got picked FOUR times. Crazy, huh? He’s garbage. Unfortunately for them, Brian Urlacher had a season ending wrist injury. Ouch. Rodgers ended the game with a play action pass to a wide open Jennings. The safety read run and bit leaving a stumbling corner who had trouble all game to begin with to handle the veteran receiver. He launched the pass and that’s all she wrote!

I was watching the Broncos/Bengals game only slightly. The Bungles always get air time around here which sucks. I wasn’t too interested as both teams are garbage. I will say this, the Broncos won it off a tipped pass intended for Marshall and Stokley was there to grab the tip and run it all the way down to the one yard line where he showed his veteran abilities by running parallel to the goal line to drain every last second he could before waltzing in for the TD. I’m glad they lost, Chad Johnson pisses me off as does Marvin Lewis.

Speaking of 4 picks, Jake Delhomme threw 4 interceptions and had a fumble yesterday. His backup threw a pick and then the 3rd string backup threw a pick. Wow. I sure hope no one had him on their team else they’re looking at major negative points.

I watched the episode of True Blood last night. I’ll get around to posting about that later. Right now I’m outside tanning. It was slow at first but I was glad to finally see an end to the Mary Ann saga.

I saw a news blurb about Kanye West taking the microphone away from Taylor Swift at the VMAs. He’s one of the biggest douches out there. I rank him down there with Sean Penn, Chris “Woman Beater” Brown, and Jay Cutler just to name a few. He embarrassed Beyonce who got up there to accept a later award and she invited Swift back out on stage so she could properly accept. There’s a class act though I would have went one step further to denounce West. He doesn’t deserve a damned thing that he has.

My abs hurt today. It’s been a while since I did pull ups and I pushed myself too hard yesterday. My arms are sore too.

I feel okay today. I still have a slight lingering cough which is pissing me off because there’s no reason to be coughing anymore. I’m a tad sore, a wee bit tired, but I’m feeling good in spirit. I did get to talk with Ms. Sexy X the other day regardless of it getting cut short. True that pisses me off but I’ll take what I can get. It’s also true that I’m pissed about all the text messages getting delayed but I did get them and they did make me laugh. So overall, I’m happy to a certain extent. I miss her so much. Sigh.

Posted in Exercise, Ms. Sexy X, Myself, NFL, People, True Blood | No Comments »

It’s Been Awhile

Friday, August 21st, 2009

Nine days to be exact assuming she doesn’t call by midnight tonight. :-( I’m not depressed but that always sucks, ya know? It’s actually a very beautiful day. It’s going to get a little hot and muggy but the sun is fading in and out in an otherwise clear, blue sky making for a very enjoyable afternoon. I have the day off and I plan to do exactly that – enjoy it. It reminds me of her and that makes me smile and joyful. I pity myself because I can’t see her (for now) and I’ll pity those that will never get a chance to lay their eyes on her magnificence.

Yesterday was an interesting day. I went swimming for the first time in years. It was only for 40 minutes. I was alone and watched storm clouds roll over with the sun puncturing them at intervals making for a terrifyingly serene scene. It rained a tiny bit but there was no hard rain nor lightning. It was perfect really. It was warm and gusty as well. They blew over and left a bright blue sky. The scenary made for really good thinking which is what I spent my time doing. Sigh.

Then I went to work, it was terribly boring and dead. I mainly talked the night away. It’s all whatever. I don’t really care, I hate it there.

Some tidbits of sports news here and there’s plenty from yesterday.

Plaxico Burress pleaded guilty to the weapons charges and received 2 years in prison. I can’t tell you what bullshit that is. As a New York citizen he should know the laws, especially the draconian & repressive gun laws. To top it off, they definitely made an example of him because he is a celebrity. It’s pitiful but look at the cesspool of politicians from that state, including Rudy. Pure garbage. I mean 2 years for having a gun? You would think he held up a fucking bank or something.

Usain Bolt breaks another world record this time in the 200m dash. Essentially par for the course if you go by his record breaking 100m time of 9.58s. Simply amazing. So double that and and .03s and you get his 200m time of 19.19s. Wow.

Big Ben injured his leg in practice. He’s just fresh coming off the bogus rape charges (his attorney released emails from the “victim” in which she was asking to go to some swag party with Ben 3 days after the supposed “rape.” Is this woman retarded? The only victim here is Ben.) His ankle or foot got caught on Starks but there’s no word if it’s serious and how it may affect him. If he only sits out the preseason, I don’t really care.

Chad Johnson played surrogate kicker for the Bengals against the Patriots. Their normal kicker is out with an injury and always the one looking for the spotlight even when his team sucks and he’s mediocre, guess who steps up? I don’t have the heart to call this guy by his ”legal” name. I thought it was a cute nickname back when it started but now he’s just attention whoring. It’s one thing to be cocky when good but to continue when you’re not? I’ll give him an ‘A’ forAttitude in keeping up his spirits. Give him a healthy quarterback again and who knows, maybe he will play like he once did. I’m not saying he’s bad. Anyways, he did pretty good as a kicker I thought. It was dead center and powerful on the extra point. I wonder what range he has (disgregarding his claim of “52-60.”) His kickoff was decent as well. He could have pushed another 9 yards but it wasn’t bad. Maybe he’d be better off there. ;-)

Posted in Health, Ms. Sexy X, NFL, People, Sports, Steelers, Work | No Comments »

My Beautiful Disaster