My Beautiful Disaster

I feel numb. It’s just surreal I guess. The emotions comes in waves. I’ve been pretty good at holding back between work and hanging out with a buddy but there’s times where I just can’t keep up and keep them in check. For example early morning is hard and late at night can get rough. Days off are especially rough like tomorrow will be. Today is Dec. the 3rd. There is some significance here so it’s a bit harder today. I must have listend to AIC’s “Down In a Hole” about a half dozen times already. I felt some hot tears roll down my cheeks.

I did schedule surgery, it should be relatively minor and seamless but there’s always some risk.

Life is just getting me down. I’m in misery. I miss her so much and I hate myself for fucking things up. :-( She means everything to me, she’s so perfect for me. I couldn’t make a more perfect woman if I was able to, I don’t know how I am so lucky to begin with. We’re still friends but I’m still hurtin’. Oy.

I can’t say just how hard the 24th was. That night was horrible. I did get a call from Ms. Sexy X which helped greatly. I stayed up until well after 5AM and then got up at 9AM. I’m still sad. Life is just hard.

I did watch the Boondock Saints: All Saints Day. I was disappointed. I shouldn’t have hyped it up in my head. I’ll watch it again but it’s nothing like the awesomeness that’s the first one. It had some funny parts in and of course the action. The stupidity unfortunately overshadowed the good.

“My eyes seek reality, my fingers seek my veins…”

I wake up sick to my stomach. It’s not indigestion or anything of the sort. I’m also low on energy. I’m forcing myself to eat. This isn’t a surprise for me at all.

I have my spurts throughout the day. I’ve already had one this morning. I’m nervous and scared and I hate myself. What a lovely combination.

How can one go from happiness to destruction so quick? I shouldn’t let one person have such control over me and I know it. It’s just… I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her since we first started talking. Day in and day out. I don’t mind that one bit. It’s been getting harder and harder to breathe for a while now. They’ve gotten more shallow in the past 2 months. I don’t know how to explain it but my heart races and I just can’t breathe in any more. It’s like I’m running out of time and now it draws closer. I’ve been saving every last breath for her so that I could inhale her upon our meet. Does that make sense? Now I’m stuck gasping for air.

My mind is hell, a custom prison made just for myself. I’ve fallen into that hole and I’m making minimal effort to get out. I’m still trying with her but the light appears to be fading to black.

“Sand rains down and here I sit… holding rare flowers in a toooooomb…”

Update: I watched the Chiefs beat the Steelers. It was a good game but too many costly mistakes on the defensive side of the ball. I was quite surprised but I don’t mind it.

I broke down once today and feel like it again. I went back and read every single text from that timespan and I can’t find a thing I said wrong. I have no clue… so what do I do? I want to explode into nothingness. Fuck me. :-(

Thinking about hurting Ms. Sexy X this morning made me cry in the shower. I almost did again as I walked into the back room at work. I had to focus hard to not think at all, it’s the only way to hide the pain below. I put on a false face for everyone else though they see or suspect but know not what bothers me. I cannot tell because this touches my soul and no one outside has access to myself except for her. What a predicament! And letting someone else in simply isn’t an option. I had to retreat to my car on break to let loose the tears. My stomach aches as much as my heart does. What did I do?

I did talk with her in the wee hours of the morning and sent an email. The talk was our normal talk with this mixed in. I couldn’t get her to tell me what happened. It’s like she’s shutting me out. I don’t understand why I don’t get a second chance at all. She replied to the email shortly after I sent it but it was just a blank message. I’m guessing the email fucked up. Anyways, I asked her to resend it. Am I nervous? You bet. I’m not expecting anything but as long as she’s willing to talk with me that’s all I can ask for.

I haven’t felt the full effect yet. I’m still in limbo. I did send an email asking for a call and for a second chance.

I can’t believe it’d be over like that without any sort of warning. Where did I go wrong? What did I say that was so serious? Surely if our relationship means anything she’d at least give me a chance. I honestly don’t know.

I’m back home. I’m trying to get things taken care of. I plan on moving far, far away.

Things with Ms. Sexy X are still unknown. I’m taking it a day at a time. I’m worried and I have no idea what will happen but I can only hope. I think of her all the time and what to do.

I’m done talking with my mom. She’s on the point of annoying me. Just another great reason to move. I’m nervous and excited at the same time.

I sort of have a book I’m writing down. I doubt anything will come of it. I have ideas but not the time or imagination. We’ll see.

That’s it for now. Life is too fucked up right now. I don’t feel like doing anything anymore. Fuck I don’t know.