Myself « My Beautiful Disaster

Archive for the ‘Myself’ Category

Bored And Lonely

Wednesday, July 28th, 2010

I just finished reading the tenth book in the Southern Vampire Mysteries. “Dead in the Family” was supposed to be the last but I guess CH was contracted for 3 more so she’s gotta squeeze more out of it. It only took me 5, maybe 6, hours to read it. That’s pretty sad. It wasn’t bad though it did jump around a lot. It wasn’t as exciting as the others either. Something was lacking or perhaps it could be that I changed. It seemed sadder and yet just not as intriguing as it should be. Then again I read it straight through in no time. It was as if the story was rushed and pieced together too quickly for a “mystery” and ended much too soon. Gotta keep that gravy train a rollin’ I suppose. I like the direction Alan Ball is taking with True Blood. It’s similar to the book plotline but he’s branching off just enough so it’s like experiencing a new story. He’s so silly too, I know the Lafayette/Jesus thing is his touch, gotta be.

When night falls in I start to get depressed especially since I have no friends that want to do anything anymore. They’re all wrapped up in their own lives. I need to find new friends. I sit at home and I don’t feel like going on the internet, I don’t feel like watching TV, and ever since I’ve been single I’ve had nothing to look forward to once I woke up in the morning, worked through the day, and got off at night. I don’t feel like working out. I’m just floating by in this world and that sucks. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I do have some things I would like to get done.

The morning usually brings happier times as I have the whole day to look forward to. I do admit at times it’s even harder than at night - when I don’t get sleep and the day just seems like a mere extension of the night. I hate those mornings. Luckily my night sleep has gotten somewhat better as of late which means my mornings are good.

I really don’t know what I want out of life. I want to be happy, this I know for sure. It’s the “how-to” part I’m having trouble with. I’m sort of happy now but I’m missing something or someone which means I’m not where I want to be. Does that make sense? In any case, tomorrow is a new day and with it comes a chance for refreshed hopes and dreams. :)

Posted in Books, Myself | No Comments »

What Path Might We Take

Friday, July 2nd, 2010

I’m feeling a little better now and if I should jump again I think I know where to. Am I on a path of destruction? Sounds like fun to me. It’s not like I’m doing anything illegal.

I’ve got a plan of action for right now. Job wise, housing wise, etc. I just need some more time and MONEY. If only it were so easy.

I caught up on True Blood. That shit is addicting. I can’t stand but loooove the way they leave every episode hanging and then they pick it right up in the next. It’s perfect. Predictions – Tara hooks up with Jason but Jason goes back to whatchyamacallit town and finds the werepanther girl. Maybe she comes to Jason, who cares. The werewolves seem kind of weak which is disappointing thus far. Alcid is just meh. Hopefully they spice them up a bit. It seems to me that Sookie is thinner and more gaunt this season. Like her face is showing some age. I don’t know but something seems really different. I’m not sure how much down time was between shoots, they just finished not too long ago so maybe I can find an updated pic to compare to. Sam boy still seems alright, his character is more laid back now but getting caught up in family drama. I don’t care for this because I though only the first born could be full shifter. The gay vampires are a hoot. I’m sure that was easy for someone to write in. ;-) The best part was Erik banging that hot vamp chick for 6 hours straight. Dude’s my hero. Ha. Let’s not forget Pam going down on her too. Funny, over the top debauchery… I love it.

I love meeting new people. I’m getting bored with the current ones. Too immature. Is that wrong of me? I’m doing what I want. Fuck ‘em all. I have an appetite for destruction.

Posted in Myself, People, True Blood | No Comments »

No One Knows What It’s Like

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010

To have these feelings of restlessness is a hardship. I can tell you at any given point I have this “feeling” in the back of my head like something is out of place, like I don’t belong here. I have to keep moving. Where to? I don’t know. I’ve tried thinking of other locations but nothing sticks out or appeals to me. I rather like where I’m at. No one I talk to gets this. I was told that I overanalyze and I absolutely agree. There has never been doubt about that and it’s a flaw of mine. I try to turn it off. I try to stop thinking. Some activities lend themselves to that better than others but rarely do I stop. It makes me despair.

I get stuck down in a hole and when you’re down there you don’t want to pull yourself out but rather you tend to dig deeper. It’s a vicious cycle. Right now my hole is shallow and I’m doing neither as I appear to be satisfied at my depth. It’s fucking stupid. I try to build myself up doing small things. Cleaning is usually one thing.

I feel as though something is missing in my life as if there is a void. I have no idea what to place in it. I’ve had this feeling for I don’t know how long. It kind of went away for a while so I suspect I know what it is but it sounds weird – companionship. That just sounds like I’m needy… fuck that noise. Then again maybe I do crave it subconsciously. See what I mean about analyzing? What the fuck? Can’t I just say – “maybe I’m missing pizza” or something easy like that. ARRRRRRGH!

I’m trying to be more jaded in life, maybe that will ease my pain. Why do I think I’m substituting one pain for another? Ha.

I don’t think I described what I speak of well enough. I have this feeling of being unsettled, it’s the reason I picked up and started anew. It’s not a fear of settling down, by gawd that’s what I want. I just have this itch or urge if you will. I want to skydive and do stupid shit. I don’t fear death nor do I fear life. I fear not living it to the fullest, to lock myself in a cage with my mind. Hell, I have an urge to sign up for the armed forces. I was starting to consider it had I not found this job. Now that I have this job I can’t do them dirty by leaving and in fact it works towards my current job future so why quit when I just started? That would be fucking retarded. Nope, I’m not doing that. I am stuck on this course for the forseeable future. I tell myself to suck it up and deal with it, it ain’t bad. So why do I feel like I have no purpose? My dumbass self needs to shut the fuck up for once in its life.

Posted in Myself | No Comments »

Updates

Wednesday, June 16th, 2010

Well, it’s been a week I guess. It seems like a blur. I’ve been working every day and learning new things for my job. The next 60 days ought to be interesting. Yesterday was tough. As soon as I walked in my manager asked what was wrong. The funny part was I didn’t even know something was wrong. I felt like blah going in but I didn’t even give it a thought, I try to leave my personal shit behind when I go into work. It sure did eat me up though even when I didn’t see it coming. I walked into the bathroom and just stared at the mirror. I about lost it and I have no idea why. I just don’t know if this is where I want to be at. Fucking weird. Am I slipping? What the hell is wrong with me?

The new season of True Blood started Sunday. I have yet to watch the episode. I’ve been busy, though I may watch it tonight depending on how I feel. I’ve been waiting forever to watch it.

The Celtics lost game 6 by a ton. Perkins went down with a sprain. The Celtics kept up the defense fairly well holding the Lakers at 42% shooting however Boston’s offense did not show up, missing a ton of easy shots and layups. I suspect Ray Allen and Paul Pierce will bring hell on Thursday night to take the series. I watched the game over at a friend’s parents’ house. They’re good folk and it’s fun to watch and talk with them. I haven’t decided where I’m watching game 7 yet though I got an invite back again.

I have yet to clean my abode. I know I’m in a funk, right now I feel indifferent about everything. I’m just numb to the world. On my days off I try to motivate myself to clean and then I find every excuse not to. This weekend I will not do that, I have to clean as I’m disgusted by my own mess. It’ll help lift this funk if only for a few hours.

I gave up on religion so I don’t want to even think about that. I’m tired of relationships or even trying at this point… my mind is way too busy for that. I need to start looking for places to move to for when I have enough money. I have to start paying down debt. I need to join the local gym so I can lift weights and hopefully they have an indoor track. The list goes on.

No one knows what it’s like. Some people can relate to similar things, sure.

Posted in Females, Myself, Thoughts, True Blood | No Comments »

Here come the Celtics!

Sunday, May 23rd, 2010

My boy Rajon Rondo is leading this charge. They’re seemingly unstoppable in going for another championship ring. Given their propensity to fuck up in the 4th and going against the Lakers might make for an interesting series. I’m still thinking a sweep of the Magic and the Lakers. Ha.

Somehow I missed the memo that Rampage agreed to fight Rashad. That’s next Saturday, I can’t wait. Given the last few UFCs seemingly sucked (of course I was not watching on a nice screen) I’m hoping this one will rock as I chill at BDubs.

Many things have been going on. I haven’t really updated in… well a full month. Why? I don’t know. I’ve been going through my cycles, I’m on a downward spiral right now. I just don’t seem to belong here nor anywhere for that matter. I just have to ride this one out. I start a new job soon so there’s always that. I wish I could just magically shake off this feeling but I just feel so… what is the word I’m looking for? I think I got it: “Lost.” That’s really the basis I guess but seemingly complicated to explain.

I had a situation where two new friends lied to me to my face (I knew it as they did it.) I called one of them out a few days after; I was asked certain questions so I told the truth otherwise I was just going to let it go (though keep it in the back of my head.) I’m sort of keeping my distance from them. Everyone is always busy and I have lots of free time. I’m hoping to shore up that free time in the near future with work and working out.

I’ve had upswings and down. I didn’t think about updating the blog here until today. It’s taken a month since applying before I even start the job. This apartment depresses me and I need to think about moving soon. That depresses me. I have debt pretty high now and I just bought something stupid… well not stupid but I should have waited a little longer. I have money but it will be tight for sure until a few paychecks can start rolling in. I’m ever so lonely and not in a family/friends kind of way. I don’t think it’s right to burden myself or someone else with a shitty relationship by just going out to suppress that feeling. I’ll meet someone eventually but when I don’t know. Then I have other bullshit emotions to deal with. I shouldn’t compare but I know I will. It’s hard to downgrade when you’ve tasted caviar.

Posted in Myself, NBA, UFC | No Comments »

Good Bye, Ball!

Tuesday, April 20th, 2010

I’ve made some friends here, some of them are fun to hang out with and others not so much. One of the girls is full of energy which makes her fun to hang out with. I’m used to running with an older crowd and I do prefer that but they will do. My main complaint is having all this free time and hanging out with them is something to kill time and have fun. It’s the most I’ve smiled and laughed in months. I’ve had moments but it’s so fucking relaxing. I’m keeping busy by working out and staying active. I’m taking back up golf (I never quit but it’s been a few months due to money and weather.) This older gentleman has given me pointers that has vastly improved my game and I’m now eager to keep practicing to make it feel natural.

I still have my moments of loneliness and depression but thankfully it’s not too bad and lasts a short while. When they come I just get up and leave, drive to a scenic spot and just relax. I can stare at the mountains or the clouds or the water and drift away. I’m still heartbroke and that takes its toll on me even though I try not to let it. I have my mask on but even it breaks on occasion. Fuck, why do I still have feelings of love and heartache? I wish it was easy as moving on or getting callous. I had a deep connection – I don’t regret that at all. She’s still my best friend but it sure makes it harder. Life is just hard, I struggle and push on in it and that’s what I have to do here. I don’t care about anything anymore, at least that’s what I tell myself. I’m capable of caring but I think throwing up a wall is easier in the beginning and end so why bother with anything else? Heyyyyy, that almost sounds callous except I might just be foolin’ myself. Awwwesome!

Posted in Exercise, Friends, Golf, Myself | No Comments »

Flyin’ Down The Street Again

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

So I moved cross country in 4 days. It was an adventure that I wouldn’t trade for the world. I wish I had money and time to continue to do this.

I got lost in St. Louis (sort of,) crashed on the couch of someone I hadn’t met yet (we planned a get together prior,) I got free beer from someone in Oklahoma City, I got stuck in a standstill for 2 hours outside of Oklahoma City due to someone wrecking in the heavy rain. I hit some of the heaviest, most constant winds across the panhandle of Texas where I couldn’t get above 70 miles per hour. 60MPH was the norm. I missed the last gas station for 60 miles, pulling off to find an abandoned one and and one under construction. I stalled 13 miles from the nearest station in New Mexico. I hitchhiked in the same tough wind and met a nice contractor who not only took me to a gas station, gave me his spare gas can (I had one but left it empty – DOH!) and took me back to my car and waited to make sure I was going. He was from Louisiana, I see Southern hospitality at its finest. We never even exchanged names. He wouldn’t take money either. I made it to Abluquerque where nothing exciting happened. I have now seen snow in the desert though. Travel was somewhat better as the wind was way down until I hit Arizona. It was like de ja vu but worse because I hit a full blown monsoon outside of Winslow. It turned into a blizzard right quick. I couldn’t see 3 feet in front of me. It cleared up into Flagstaff where I hit a icy spot and did a fish tail across three lanes of interstate. I almost shit myself. I crawled the next 25 miles at 35MPH as did most traffic because of the whiteout conditions of yet more snow. The interstate was covered.

Today I found an apartment. It isn’t clean by my standards but I have to take it for the short term. Tomorrow will be the move in and cleaning. Day after I’ll start looking for jobs.

It’s all about the journey for me. I have no idea what I’m doing into the future. I’d love certainty but this is exciting and I need that. My heart was left in a gutter, my outlook bleak so I took it upon myself to change my fortune. I don’t care if I’m poor, I’ll see what I can do to change that.

Posted in Myself | No Comments »

Updates And Stuff

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

I guess a few things have happened lately.

I went to a Three Days Grace/Breaking Benjamin concert. It was great.

I talked with MSX a few days ago. That was pleasant. I’m still thinking about her a bunch. I miss her.

I’ve been going to physical therapy a bunch. I have fun there and all the staff likes me. Today I helped one of their kids with his math. He’s a smart kid, I gave him a few pointers. Unfortunately, I reversed a problem and gave him the wrong answer and he had the right one! Oy. It felt good to do a little tutoring there. :-) My last appointment is coming up soon. Damn. I’m seeing lots of improvement though.

I may have sprained or fractured my finger. I don’t think it’s broke as I’m typing with it now and it doesn’t hurt. It’s just sore and purple and slightly swollen. That’s gone down a bunch since a few days ago.

I’ve a few other little things coming up. I’m still packing for my big move. I can’t wait! I am getting more nervous though. Blah.

This past month has given me a time to step back and review where I’m at. I wish it wasn’t like this but I’ve made the best of it and am improving myself so it isn’t a loss. I wish there was an easier way.

I’ve had maybe 6 Pepsis in the past month. It’s weird. I crack one open and drink 1/3-1/2 of it and don’t feel like having any more. I’d say it’s psychological. Heck, as soon as I can I’m going to start working out again, I’ve lost too much weight. :-/ I need to gain 15-20lbs of hopefully muscle. Fun stuff.

Right now there’s a mix of psuedo depression, anxiety, realization, learning, and hope going on right now. I get glimpses of each I suppose you could say. Hope is what I hang on to.

I may go running in shorts with snow on the ground. I’m debating it right now.

Fuck it. I plan on having fun and doing things my way.

Posted in Exercise, Health, Ms. Sexy X, Music, Myself | No Comments »

I Called Her And My Demons…

Tuesday, January 26th, 2010

…I kissed them both goodbyyyyyyye.

I’m sneaking in a post here as I don’t know when my next chance will be. I still think about her every day and I try not to but I can’t help it. So many small things remind me of her and I just remember things that she did that I love about her. :-) I want to call her up and tell her I’m sorry for being a jackass but I know I can’t. She is right in that what I did was stupid and she’s over it and so am I. I also realized that I was “smothering” her (sorta) and not letting myself be. She didn’t mind it but at times she thought I was not doing myself any favors. I was aware of it but didn’t pull my head out of my ass. It sucks seeing yourself fail but it is also satisfying in realizing them and improving yourself.

Every day has been rough for various reasons as I’m trying to get to where I want to be. I’d love to still be with MSX but I know that isn’t happening. I’m at a shitty job. I am recovering from surgery. I just want to heal up, move, get settled, and then try for the job I want. I’m getting anxious and all those factors are working against me here.

I just wanna “…take this horse and ride it off this merry-go-round.”

Posted in Ms. Sexy X, Music, Myself | No Comments »

Just Another (Sleepless) Night

Monday, January 18th, 2010

I had a sleepless night. I kept waking up hot and that meant dreams. I don’t recall the dreams either. I remember her face in at least one of the dreams. I don’t know why I was so hot or had such a restless night.

I can’t get over this feeling. I miss the fun times, I miss the laughs, I miss the aimless chats. I miss daydreaming all day, every day about her. I still find myself drifting off at times… I’m trying not to. I think the reason is that I still compare her to others and think of just how lucky I was. She had it all, all the things I could want in a woman. Beauty in so many ways, intelligent and sharp as a needle. A perfect combination of shyness and wittiness… just what I want. See what I did here? I’m doing it again. Ugh. I think it’s a matter of me kicking myself for losing her. :-( Why can’t I let me be? I’m neither happy nor sad right now. I just am. I’ll have a short streak of happiness and sadness but then I return to neutral. I would rather be sad as this is miserable.

I did watch some football yesterday. The Vikings absolutely tore the Cowboys a new one like I said they would. Sidney Rice was on fire. I guess Favre was too. The Jets upset the Chargers. I couldn’t believe it. I know the Jets have the number one defense but damn! Rivers and crew started off really well and then just fizzled out. The defense was holding well enough but the offense didn’t produce and Nate Kaeding missed THREE kicks in a row… that ain’t good. One of them was long, the other two not so much. Darrelle Revis once again shut down whoever he was on (he rotated.) I’d put him at Best Defensive player though I’m not upset that Charles Woodson got it. I’m now going with the Vikings to take the Super Bowl against the Colts. We shall see.

I have to get to work now. I don’t want to go. I’m sore as fuck too. Life sucks.

Posted in Ms. Sexy X, Myself, NFL | No Comments »

Now Where Was I?

Sunday, January 17th, 2010

I know I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve thought about it but just didn’t feel like doing it. My recovery is going along nicely. I have a lot of movement back and I have fun at physical therapy. Crazy, I know. But I joke around a lot and the therapist jokes back and her helper does too. Actually all of them will join in. One of the guys is pretty funny. My therapist says I’m pretty witty. I don’t know about that. I have my moments I guess. I know a few of them from a few years ago when I went to PT. Fun times.

I had a few rants and raves but I don’t care anymore. It’s all fucking whatever. I’m getting excited at moving. I’m planning my cross country trip. That’s still a huge hurdle but I don’t care. It could be the biggest mistake of my life but I won’t know until I try it. Fuck it, I’m going. :-) It’s a nice city and it’s near other major cities (I say near but a few hours minimum.)

I’m hoping my plan works out. Getting another job will be an issue I’m sure. I want to become a cop but I got a few ideas on jobs in the meantime. I think I’ll joing a gym and work on boxing type of activities. No serious training I don’t expect but I’d like to learn some juijitsu or something. The least I can do is weightlift.

There’s so many paths, who really knows? I just know I have to strike out on one of them and not sit at the crossroads any longer.

I’m still saddened a bit, I’ll start to tear up out of nowhere. I don’t fight it, it’ll go away after a few minutes. That’s how it goes.

One thing I still can’t figure out is what to eat. I need to cook something but I need a recipe book or something because I’m getting bored of eating bland meals. I need more time and money or at the very least my arm to heal up so it won’t be a pain in the ass.

Today… today is some more playoff games. The Vikings and Cowboys play in a few and the Jets and Chargers play. I’m going Vikings/Chargers in this one because that’s who I think will go to the Super Bowl. Thankfully the Cardinals had their asses taxed by the Saints because they’re a garbage team and I’m tired of the media talking them up. The Colts dismantled the Ravens… the ratbird’s offense just didn’t show up.

I’m tired and cranky. I want to fucking go. I feel like I’m on the edge of a dip in a roller coaster or a massive storm that is about to break. I’m holding my breath praying for a moment to breathe. I’ve felt like this since… what October? September? End of May?

My lunch is going to consist of a glass of water and a Sara Lee cinnamon raisin bagel with Philadelphia cream cheese. Simple and delicious. Every time I eat one, every time I have a Pepsi it reminds me. There’s no getting around that. I chuckle every time I bite into the top half first. I’m so dorky… it brings tears to my eyes. Ha. :-(

Posted in Exercise, Food, Myself, NFL | No Comments »

Bummed Around With Bum Arm

Saturday, January 9th, 2010

Nothing new today. I slept in late, ate, and did some one handed cleaning. Washing up some dishes sure was interesting as well as doing some laundry. I hopped back in bed and watched basketball until 4 then went over to a friends to watch UK beat Georgia. John Wall was not playing his best game, in fact the whole team looked anemic. Thankfully Patterson and Cousins stepped up with Liggins and Bledsoe. Nothing heroic, just the basics and it helped us pull through. We’re still undefeated and here’s to beating Florida Tuesday night at 9. The Jets beat up on the Bengals like I said they would. Revis shut down Chad Johnson as usual and Sanchez hooked up with Keller and Cotchery. I was happy with the outcome. The Cowboys are unfortunately winning right now. The Eagles defense is pathetic, mainly because most their players are hurt. It’d take a miracle to win now. McNabb looks like garbage as usual. His offensive line looks worse so that’s of no help. Meh. Wisconsin beat Purdue and Georgia Tech came back and beat Duke after I wrote them off and left. UConn blew a huge lead and the end of the game allowing Georgetown to win by a few. The games weren’t too bad today.

I came back home because his place is fucking cold. My arm is hurting like a bitch so I popped another pain pill. That’s only my second for today. :-) I’m starting to feel it already. Oy.

I’m trying not to think today and I’ve been mostly successful. I can’t control dreams and I dreamed 3 different times last night. They were happy dreams but after I woke up I felt sad. Damn. Maybe I’ll get a bunch of sleep tonight with no dreams. I don’t dream often and I remember them even less often but last night I kept waking up… I wonder if it was the medicine but more likely just me. Blah. I’m trying here.

I’ll probably cruise around on the internet for a while until I pass out. This game sucks so I’m turning it off. I plan on sleeping in and watching football tomorrow. If only I could dream a reality then I’d never dream another.

Posted in College Basketball, Myself, NFL, University of Kentucky | No Comments »

My Beautiful Disaster