Archive for the ‘Myself’ Category

Flyin’ Down The Street Again

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

So I moved cross country in 4 days. It was an adventure that I wouldn’t trade for the world. I wish I had money and time to continue to do this.

I got lost in St. Louis (sort of,) crashed on the couch of someone I hadn’t met yet (we planned a get together prior,) I got free beer from someone in Oklahoma City, I got stuck in a standstill for 2 hours outside of Oklahoma City due to someone wrecking in the heavy rain. I hit some of the heaviest, most constant winds across the panhandle of Texas where I couldn’t get above 70 miles per hour. 60MPH was the norm. I missed the last gas station for 60 miles, pulling off to find an abandoned one and and one under construction. I stalled 13 miles from the nearest station in New Mexico. I hitchhiked in the same tough wind and met a nice contractor who not only took me to a gas station, gave me his spare gas can (I had one but left it empty – DOH!) and took me back to my car and waited to make sure I was going. He was from Louisiana, I see Southern hospitality at its finest. We never even exchanged names. He wouldn’t take money either. I made it to Abluquerque where nothing exciting happened. I have now seen snow in the desert though. Travel was somewhat better as the wind was way down until I hit Arizona. It was like de ja vu but worse because I hit a full blown monsoon outside of Winslow. It turned into a blizzard right quick. I couldn’t see 3 feet in front of me. It cleared up into Flagstaff where I hit a icy spot and did a fish tail across three lanes of interstate. I almost shit myself. I crawled the next 25 miles at 35MPH as did most traffic because of the whiteout conditions of yet more snow. The interstate was covered.

Today I found an apartment. It isn’t clean by my standards but I have to take it for the short term. Tomorrow will be the move in and cleaning. Day after I’ll start looking for jobs.

It’s all about the journey for me. I have no idea what I’m doing into the future. I’d love certainty but this is exciting and I need that. My heart was left in a gutter, my outlook bleak so I took it upon myself to change my fortune. I don’t care if I’m poor, I’ll see what I can do to change that.

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Updates And Stuff

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

I guess a few things have happened lately.

I went to a Three Days Grace/Breaking Benjamin concert. It was great.

I talked with MSX a few days ago. That was pleasant. I’m still thinking about her a bunch. I miss her.

I’ve been going to physical therapy a bunch. I have fun there and all the staff likes me. Today I helped one of their kids with his math. He’s a smart kid, I gave him a few pointers. Unfortunately, I reversed a problem and gave him the wrong answer and he had the right one! Oy. It felt good to do a little tutoring there. :-) My last appointment is coming up soon. Damn. I’m seeing lots of improvement though.

I may have sprained or fractured my finger. I don’t think it’s broke as I’m typing with it now and it doesn’t hurt. It’s just sore and purple and slightly swollen. That’s gone down a bunch since a few days ago.

I’ve a few other little things coming up. I’m still packing for my big move. I can’t wait! I am getting more nervous though. Blah.

This past month has given me a time to step back and review where I’m at. I wish it wasn’t like this but I’ve made the best of it and am improving myself so it isn’t a loss. I wish there was an easier way.

I’ve had maybe 6 Pepsis in the past month. It’s weird. I crack one open and drink 1/3-1/2 of it and don’t feel like having any more. I’d say it’s psychological. Heck, as soon as I can I’m going to start working out again, I’ve lost too much weight. :-/ I need to gain 15-20lbs of hopefully muscle. Fun stuff.

Right now there’s a mix of psuedo depression, anxiety, realization, learning, and hope going on right now. I get glimpses of each I suppose you could say. Hope is what I hang on to.

I may go running in shorts with snow on the ground. I’m debating it right now.

Fuck it. I plan on having fun and doing things my way.

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I Called Her And My Demons…

Tuesday, January 26th, 2010

…I kissed them both goodbyyyyyyye.

I’m sneaking in a post here as I don’t know when my next chance will be. I still think about her every day and I try not to but I can’t help it. So many small things remind me of her and I just remember things that she did that I love about her. :-) I want to call her up and tell her I’m sorry for being a jackass but I know I can’t. She is right in that what I did was stupid and she’s over it and so am I. I also realized that I was “smothering” her (sorta) and not letting myself be. She didn’t mind it but at times she thought I was not doing myself any favors. I was aware of it but didn’t pull my head out of my ass. It sucks seeing yourself fail but it is also satisfying in realizing them and improving yourself.

Every day has been rough for various reasons as I’m trying to get to where I want to be. I’d love to still be with MSX but I know that isn’t happening. I’m at a shitty job. I am recovering from surgery. I just want to heal up, move, get settled, and then try for the job I want. I’m getting anxious and all those factors are working against me here.

I just wanna “…take this horse and ride it off this merry-go-round.”

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Just Another (Sleepless) Night

Monday, January 18th, 2010

I had a sleepless night. I kept waking up hot and that meant dreams. I don’t recall the dreams either. I remember her face in at least one of the dreams. I don’t know why I was so hot or had such a restless night.

I can’t get over this feeling. I miss the fun times, I miss the laughs, I miss the aimless chats. I miss daydreaming all day, every day about her. I still find myself drifting off at times… I’m trying not to. I think the reason is that I still compare her to others and think of just how lucky I was. She had it all, all the things I could want in a woman. Beauty in so many ways, intelligent and sharp as a needle. A perfect combination of shyness and wittiness… just what I want. See what I did here? I’m doing it again. Ugh. I think it’s a matter of me kicking myself for losing her. :-( Why can’t I let me be? I’m neither happy nor sad right now. I just am. I’ll have a short streak of happiness and sadness but then I return to neutral. I would rather be sad as this is miserable.

I did watch some football yesterday. The Vikings absolutely tore the Cowboys a new one like I said they would. Sidney Rice was on fire. I guess Favre was too. The Jets upset the Chargers. I couldn’t believe it. I know the Jets have the number one defense but damn! Rivers and crew started off really well and then just fizzled out. The defense was holding well enough but the offense didn’t produce and Nate Kaeding missed THREE kicks in a row… that ain’t good. One of them was long, the other two not so much. Darrelle Revis once again shut down whoever he was on (he rotated.) I’d put him at Best Defensive player though I’m not upset that Charles Woodson got it. I’m now going with the Vikings to take the Super Bowl against the Colts. We shall see.

I have to get to work now. I don’t want to go. I’m sore as fuck too. Life sucks.

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Now Where Was I?

Sunday, January 17th, 2010

I know I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve thought about it but just didn’t feel like doing it. My recovery is going along nicely. I have a lot of movement back and I have fun at physical therapy. Crazy, I know. But I joke around a lot and the therapist jokes back and her helper does too. Actually all of them will join in. One of the guys is pretty funny. My therapist says I’m pretty witty. I don’t know about that. I have my moments I guess. I know a few of them from a few years ago when I went to PT. Fun times.

I had a few rants and raves but I don’t care anymore. It’s all fucking whatever. I’m getting excited at moving. I’m planning my cross country trip. That’s still a huge hurdle but I don’t care. It could be the biggest mistake of my life but I won’t know until I try it. Fuck it, I’m going. :-) It’s a nice city and it’s near other major cities (I say near but a few hours minimum.)

I’m hoping my plan works out. Getting another job will be an issue I’m sure. I want to become a cop but I got a few ideas on jobs in the meantime. I think I’ll joing a gym and work on boxing type of activities. No serious training I don’t expect but I’d like to learn some juijitsu or something. The least I can do is weightlift.

There’s so many paths, who really knows? I just know I have to strike out on one of them and not sit at the crossroads any longer.

I’m still saddened a bit, I’ll start to tear up out of nowhere. I don’t fight it, it’ll go away after a few minutes. That’s how it goes.

One thing I still can’t figure out is what to eat. I need to cook something but I need a recipe book or something because I’m getting bored of eating bland meals. I need more time and money or at the very least my arm to heal up so it won’t be a pain in the ass.

Today… today is some more playoff games. The Vikings and Cowboys play in a few and the Jets and Chargers play. I’m going Vikings/Chargers in this one because that’s who I think will go to the Super Bowl. Thankfully the Cardinals had their asses taxed by the Saints because they’re a garbage team and I’m tired of the media talking them up. The Colts dismantled the Ravens… the ratbird’s offense just didn’t show up.

I’m tired and cranky. I want to fucking go. I feel like I’m on the edge of a dip in a roller coaster or a massive storm that is about to break. I’m holding my breath praying for a moment to breathe. I’ve felt like this since… what October? September? End of May?

My lunch is going to consist of a glass of water and a Sara Lee cinnamon raisin bagel with Philadelphia cream cheese. Simple and delicious. Every time I eat one, every time I have a Pepsi it reminds me. There’s no getting around that. I chuckle every time I bite into the top half first. I’m so dorky… it brings tears to my eyes. Ha. :-(

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Bummed Around With Bum Arm

Saturday, January 9th, 2010

Nothing new today. I slept in late, ate, and did some one handed cleaning. Washing up some dishes sure was interesting as well as doing some laundry. I hopped back in bed and watched basketball until 4 then went over to a friends to watch UK beat Georgia. John Wall was not playing his best game, in fact the whole team looked anemic. Thankfully Patterson and Cousins stepped up with Liggins and Bledsoe. Nothing heroic, just the basics and it helped us pull through. We’re still undefeated and here’s to beating Florida Tuesday night at 9. The Jets beat up on the Bengals like I said they would. Revis shut down Chad Johnson as usual and Sanchez hooked up with Keller and Cotchery. I was happy with the outcome. The Cowboys are unfortunately winning right now. The Eagles defense is pathetic, mainly because most their players are hurt. It’d take a miracle to win now. McNabb looks like garbage as usual. His offensive line looks worse so that’s of no help. Meh. Wisconsin beat Purdue and Georgia Tech came back and beat Duke after I wrote them off and left. UConn blew a huge lead and the end of the game allowing Georgetown to win by a few. The games weren’t too bad today.

I came back home because his place is fucking cold. My arm is hurting like a bitch so I popped another pain pill. That’s only my second for today. :-) I’m starting to feel it already. Oy.

I’m trying not to think today and I’ve been mostly successful. I can’t control dreams and I dreamed 3 different times last night. They were happy dreams but after I woke up I felt sad. Damn. Maybe I’ll get a bunch of sleep tonight with no dreams. I don’t dream often and I remember them even less often but last night I kept waking up… I wonder if it was the medicine but more likely just me. Blah. I’m trying here.

I’ll probably cruise around on the internet for a while until I pass out. This game sucks so I’m turning it off. I plan on sleeping in and watching football tomorrow. If only I could dream a reality then I’d never dream another.

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Train Roll On

Friday, January 8th, 2010

What gets you through tough times? I lost the only cushion I’ve found so now it’s back to square one. My Tuesday is gone. :-( I’m listening to some music, it’s rough. “My baby’s gone with the wind…”

“I don’t know… ohhh where I’m going… I just want to be left alone…”

I’m working on healing here both mentally and physically. I’m exercising my arm regularly as part of my physical therapy. In a few weeks I’ll be good to go and then I’m moving. I’ll get a job for the interim and I’m going to try to become a police officer. :-) I’ve decided I want to serve my community. I also want to get into some volunteer work. I’m not entirely sure what I’ll be doing on that front but I feel a need to serve mankind. I’m looking for happiness and I’m not getting it by serving just my own interests. Speaking of which, there’s some old toys from many years ago that I’d like to donate to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. Will this be my calling? I can’t say. It’s just something I gotta do. I feel sorry for the folks that depend on a job and feel they are stuck to it. I’ll do what I need to do to survive but I’ll be damned if I stay somewhere because I feel I have no other choice. If that job isn’t doing it for me, if it doesn’t make me happy… I’m moving on. Whether it’s a great paying job or shit it doesn’t matter. If there’s no happiness there it isn’t worth it to me.

“Tuesday… she… she had to be free… but somehow I got to carry on…”

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Quick Update

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010

I’m typing on one hand here.

The surgery appears to be successful. I was in a cheery mood I suppose - I joked around to put the staff at ease. I’m sure they love an easy patient and I was sure to thank them all.

I woke up from surgery and it’s really hard because you want to sleep. I remember last time with the nurse bugging me so I tried hard. I was semi-conscious most of the time. I asked what I had to wake up for and immediately a name popped in my head. Whoops, oh well. I wanted to tell her about my nurse missing my vain twice, she would have gotten a kick out of that. Ha, the nurse even said I had good veins – they’re large and easy to see. Yet she was digging around in there with the needle. No big deal. I’ll get back to this later, my hand is tired.

Update: Where was I? The nurse brought out the lidocaine which I told her was unnecessary. She insisted and stuck me with it and proceeded with the 20 gauge in my hand. She poked around but couldn’t get the vain. I was teasing her making her more nervous. She mentioned something about her kids at home would be getting sick or something. I told her needles didn’t bother me like that and to take her time. So she tries again this time up on my arm. She finds the vain and I tell her “no” for sure on the lido. She sticks me and I can feel her tapping the vain but not sticking it. She tried for a few minutes frustrated and with me laughing. This reminded me of two incidents before – one was my own. I know it helped ease the tension since I wasn’t freaking out but she insisted she wasn’t doing it a third time. I told her practice makes perfect and to go ahead but she grabbed a male nurse. She teased me back saying they should use me for practice rounds for the trainees and I quipped right back that she might want to go first. We all laughed. The male nurse got it the first time though he took his time also commenting on my veins. I ought to use that as a future pickup line “check out my good veins.” Ha, whatever. He was cool too, I saw him in the recovery area and bade goodbye to him as I left.

Needles and blood don’t bug me. She looked at me weird when I didn’t want a nerve block and even moreso when I wanted to be awake for the procedure. The latter was a no-go but I did forego the block and am happy that I did.

That took forever to type one handed and I’m beat. Oy.

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Happy New Year?

Monday, January 4th, 2010

Who gets dumped on New Year Day? Only an awesome loser like me does. ;-) Am I really smiling… ummm no but I can poke fun at myself. I’m working on letting go. I had a few moments yesterday that caught me off guard big time. This morning I woke up from a dream… I can’t control those damnit. Normally I’d love that dream but I wake up sad and in pain.

The Steelers pulled off a win on the Dolphins. At the same time the Texans came back and beat the Patriots effectively ending our playoff run. We’d have to have the Ravens AND Broncos lose in addition to the Jets. I’ll be dipped if the Chiefs didn’t kick the Broncos’ ass. YES! However, the Ravens barely won so that was it. It didn’t matter in either scenario because the Bungles laid down completely and just got thrashed by the Jets. That game sucked so bad I turned it off and I hope the NFL and NBC lost money on that garbage. 7 total yards of offense in the first half for the Bungles? Embarrassing.

There will be 3 re-matches of this week’s team in the playoffs. Crazy, huh? Cowboys/Eagles, Bungles/Jets, and Packers/Cardinals.

My picks:

  • Eagles – hard pick, the Cowgirls have been on a roll recently but given the past few years I’m leaning towards the Eagles. I can’t stand either Romo or McNabb so I don’t care which one wins.
  • Jets – normally I’d pick the Bungles but losing a few in a row and that badly to the Jets is not a good combination. Plus they are plagued with injuries. Home field may not mean jack now. I think they’d been better off against the Texans.
  • Packers – let’s see where to start. One of the best passing defenses in the NFL and that’s all the Cards have. Boldin is out and while Fitzgerald is good I think he’s highly overrated by folks jumping on that bandwagon. Packers’ offense can get it done too. Coming off this win I think they’ll hand them another buttwhoopin’.
  • Ravens – I was going to give this one to the Patriots but Brady apparently broke some fingers yesterday. Ravens’ have a D and with the Pats’ O looking shaky this may be the shift those Ratbirds need. Mediocre is a good way to describe both the offense of Baltimore and the defense of New England.
  • No matter who wins I think the Chargers and Colts will beat those incoming teams. After that I’m going with the Chargers for the AFC win.
  • I can’t quite call the NFC like that. Normally I’d say the Saints and Vikings have it but both have been shaky the past few weeks. I think the Packers could beat either one, more likely the Saints.
  • I’m going to call Vikings and Chargers in the Super Bowl and I’m actually going with the Chargers for the win.
  • Key factor here – the Saints and Colts taking it easy after clinching. Those numerous losses and not being fresh will be a curse. History shows that. They should have went for all or nothing. I know the risk of injury, look at all the injuries. As a competitor I’d want to give it my all otherwise the win would seem hollow.

I’ll schedule a post for tomorrow since I’m going under the knife for some outpatient surgery. Should they fuck up and I die oh well. No real loss to me. ;-) I’ve got nothing to live for at the moment so it’s all whatever. I guess that’s why it’s the best time to do it now. Afterwards I’ll try to get back on my horse and live life.

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Sports And Stuff

Sunday, January 3rd, 2010

I just did some reading last night and watched UFC 108. It featured Rashad Evans vs Thiago Silva. Rashad was working on his ground and pound surprisingly and took Silva down many times. He dominated the first two rounds leaving some sort of knockout as Thiago’s only hope. He realizes this and taunts Rashad to take a swing at him for most of the third round. He’d wave him over or drop his guard and stick his face out. It’s tempting to beat the shit out of him but Rashad is smart and kept back. Unfortunately during one exchange a counter nailed Rashad stunning him. Silva jumped on him quick but Rashad managed to stay up and not get knocked out. He would clinch up on him to prevent a further beating. Joe Rogan starts saying how Silva needs to act now (they separated and had their hands at their sides catching their breaths.) He was right, don’t let Evans recover. But Silva is an idiot and let him recover only to get tied up for the last minute and thirty seconds leaving it to decision which easily went to Rashad. I was happy with the whole fight card, every one featured submissions and ground and pound and on the feet action. They may not have been big names but it was fun to watch. This one might have been worth $40. Go figure.

I also watched the UK vs UofL game yesterday. It was scrappy from the getgo, Bledsoe fouls a few seconds into the game (bullshit call) and he’s going off. Calipari has to bench him so he cools down. Not but 30 seconds later 3 technical fouls are assessed in a mini-brawl. This shit is getting real and the record 24k+ crowd in Rupp Arena is about to explode. This rivalry has far reaching implications in the Bluegrass. Neither team can hit a basket in the first half and the defense played is stellar. Fouls are flying left and right easily hitting the one and one bonus with 10 to go in the first. By the second half Louisville manages to cut the lead after a 5 point swing when Patterson misses a wide open dunk (BRICK) and they nail a trey. They get up one point 42-41 before John Wall (who is back in the game from a cramp) finally gets back in rhythm and tears ‘em apart. It’s tense up to the buzzer but UK retains the lead at around ten points with some rare missed free throws from Wall. Kentucky extends the unbeaten record to 15-0.

Today is a day of relax and rest for me. I’m going to watch football all day to keep my mind busy. I need the Steelers to win and the Texans and Jets to lose. Unfortunately, the teams they’re playing may rest their starters fucking our chances for the playoffs. I have a few bills to get in order but that’s it.

I was thinking and figured that if Ms. Sexy X is happier without me in her life then that’s what I want. Hey, I may not be as happy but oh well. I’ve always been interested in her happiness so if this is what it takes I’ll accept that. Only she can answer that and I guess she has. I don’t have to like the decision but I’d never force myself upon anyone so I have to move on. That’s hard and will take a lot of time. As stated above I try to keep busy but many times I slip up. If I ask myself ”is my life better off without MSX?” I’d answer no in a heartbeat. Someone that is super smart, can make me laugh all the time, and has such a huge heart, and cares about me. That is a no-brainer. I want ME to be happy but not at her expense. Fare thee well, my love. ;-) I hope she finds happiness wherever she goes.

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Update 12 Hours Later

Saturday, January 2nd, 2010

I wonder if I apologized immediately for my stupidity if that would have made a difference. Listen to yourself when your gut tells you something, I knew it that night and I did nothing. Instead I waited and then when nothing happened I just ignored it. She didn’t confirm it but I know her. Why do I have to be so dense?

So being at work today was just about the hardest thing to do. To make it worse it was absolutely dead so all I could do was think. I had to go to the bathroom a few times to catch my breath. We traded our last emails early this morning.

There’s other women out there, I know. You just know it when you find someone so perfect for you. She teases me about putting her on a pedestal, hell I don’t care to admit that I do. Honestly she’s got everything I could want in a woman so why wouldn’t she be perfect? I even bought a ring months ago, I don’t know when I’d give it to her but things were going smooth and I figured a year down the road, maybe 2 years. I guess that makes me an idiot. I don’t regret it, it just seems as if life likes to throw fucking wrenches at all of us.

How am I coping? I don’t know yet as I obviously have just begun. I knew this was coming for a while as evidenced by past posts. I’ve been in a depression for quite a while. My current plan is to move and pursue my interests. I just wish I knew exactly what I wanted. I’m not alienating my family anymore so than normal but I’ve liberated myself from them. I’m going to do what I want to do. It’s a selfish thing but fuck it. I can’t be stuck in this hell hole forever. I have an urge to just go.

I’m so tired. I’m down. I did eat, I’m hungry but don’t have an appetite. I’ll force myself to eat as I’ve been down this road before. It’s going to be tough because many things remind me of her. I miss her already.

Update: Hindsight is 20/20… it’s almost completely worthless. While a great learning tool, something much more valuable would be foresight. If only life were so easy. Just got done talking with a friend. No real insights, I guess I just needed to talk and he listened. It’d be nice to give him all the details but I’m too private a person. He gets it though. I’m still fucking hungry and tired. I managed to drink a Pepsi but that’s it. I’ve got a long night ahead of me. I hope sleep overtakes me.

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Down In A Deep Hole

Saturday, January 2nd, 2010

Last night was my final call with Ms. Sexy X. I guess that was the “official” breakup. I didn’t see it coming tonight when I answered the phone but that’s the way it is. I miss her already god damnit.

We talked it out and I didn’t want to but knew it was going to happen. I say I didn’t see it coming but I did perhaps not last night but soon. Things weren’t meshing and the following was the final straw:

A key bit of advice for all gentlemen out there: don’t teasingly joke about checking out other women or them checking you out even if it’s not true. It degrades her and isn’t respectful. I’m not saying things wouldn’t have ended similarly but I fucked myself in the end on that one. It is juvenile. She’s got a great sense of humor but even that is going too far.

I know I did it before. Women: let your guys know they’re being idiots. Please. I knew it the last time I sent it and wanted to take it back. I had looked back that very same night and realized it was a jackass move but it was too late. I knew right away what it was but I thought surely that couldn’t end a relationship. It can. Oy. I feel like shit for doing that and making her cry.

I have to go to work now and I don’t want to. One foot at a time. I missed out on one of the greatest people out there. I’m a damned fool.

I have to move on but the pain will come first. It always does. I wish I could just disappear or stick my head in sand. I guess I know what that bad feeling was the other day, to go along with my depression.

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