Ms. Sexy X « My Beautiful Disaster

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Long Road To Healing

Sunday, December 27th, 2009

This past week has been “the suck” to steal an old river phrase. Work was busy as hell. I work retail for the time being and I’m done with it. Why am I still around? It’s a job and I’m looking to move on now but I’m waiting a little while longer. I need to make the move here in a little while and it’s a guaranteed job until I get settled and start sending out resumes. So I have to tough it out just a little bit longer.

I didn’t celebrate Christmas. I just didn’t feel like it. I have some depression going on but it’s not that. I just feel empty. It wasn’t really a big deal to me. I made a delicious lasagna.

I talked to Ms. Sexy X last Saturday and before we got off I asked her to call Christmas day to which she said she would. She didn’t. :-( She did send a text. I guess that’s something. I’m not going to push either. It just sucks. I’m not getting any gifts but that’s the one thing I’d like is to just hear her voice. Oh well. Will she call tonight? I’m not counting on it. Before she was in the hospital, I knew she couldn’t manage a call. Now that I know she can and doesn’t, well it hurts. I know why I guess. It still sucks though. I miss her so badly.

Today I went to the bar with a friend to watch the Steelers game. There must have been 50+ fans in there and 3 Ravens fans. The Ravens fans got all cocky when they picked Ben off for a touchdown but it was cancelled due to a hold. I was laughing because they had rubbed it in and the whole place erupted and rubbed into their faces. That game was crazy, talk about two evenly matched teams. Penalties killed the Ratbirds and our stellar defense and run game are hard to be found in the second half of this season. There’s still playoff contention if the Broncos lose tonight and the Texans lose next week and of course the Steelers win. The Jets need to lose but the fucking Colts are playing their 2nd and 3rd strings so the Jets will win this. Hopefully the Bungles will beat them next week.

I’m just depressed right now. I know MSX is the one for me but I am stuck in limbo here on that. My job is dead end and I’m nervous about the move. I’ll have to do what it takes because I can’t just sit here and let life pass me by. Another 10 days and I can start to put things in motion.

Fuck it. I’m going.

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Day 33

Sunday, December 20th, 2009

I seriously need to stop thinking. If it were only that easy.

Work has been dreadfully busy, it’s given me no time to think and for that I’m almost thankful. But it does tire me out, no doubt about that.

I’m laying in bed looking out my window upon the snow covered ground. As usual it isn’t much snow which I’m thankful for. I love the large snowfall BUT only when I can go out in the woods and just sit. It’s so quiet and serene that it is surreal. I can’t explain it other than everyone should do it at least once. That said – shitty road conditions and the biting cold is not a favorite of mine. The snow we had last night was that rain/sleet mixture crap. Yuck. It’s rather pretty out right now and hopefully will melt off by tonight.

I sent a Christmas letter to Ms. Sexy X and she loved it. She felt bad she didn’t send one back but I told her there’s no need. She called and we talked for about an hour. This sucks so much, I feel like we’re starting over. Perhaps that isn’t too bad a thing, maybe it’s better for my second chance. I don’t know yet. I just wish I was there.

My ass is going to be parked in bed all day except to get up for the essentials like eating and showering. I have the Packers & Steelers game to watch at 4:15EST. I don’t expect a win but bygawd it’d be nice to break this losing streak.

I almost want to go camping right now. Ahhh, good times.

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Now I Wait My Whole Lifetime…

Sunday, December 13th, 2009

I don’t remember when I posted last. Nothing new has really happened. I found my mistake and apologized though I don’t know if she forgave me for it. I’ve been feeling like shit day in and day out.

I think she’ll give me a second chance eventually and I feel she still loves me… just hurt. So all I can do is wait. I wish I’d keep my mouth shut. I’m a moron. :-(

I plan on doing nothing all day. I was going to try to workout or clean but I just don’t feel like it. That may change later but I’m depressed. It’d be much worse but thankfully she called and I got to talk with her earlier.

I can’t wait to get going. I’m holding off for a month and then I’ll get it in motion. I still don’t know what I’m doing day to day but I have a very rough estimate of where I want to be going and I know what I want my final goal to be. Getting started is always the hardest part. I don’t have any qualms about it though.

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Busy Days Help

Sunday, December 6th, 2009

I was right, the 4th was so very hard on me. I had the day off and it just hit me. I tried cleaning to keep my mind off of it but I’d just breakdown over and over. I did manage to clean my incredibly messy room… I always let it go to shit when I tumble into depression. I just start throwing anything anywhere. Well, I was tired of the mess and it just further depressed me. I was intending to keep busy so I couldn’t think but I failed. Alas, I finally got it clean, my laundry all washed, the kitchen clean, and my bathroom clean. It felt really good despite the fact that I felt like shit. I ended up going over to a friend’s to play Call of Duty until 2AM. I got home and in bed by 3AM only to get up at 6AM.

Yesterday was much easier but not entirely better. The lack of sleep wasn’t fun. I was busy at work all day when my boss sprung a surprise project on me. We were horribly understaffed until 1PM. It’s alright as I went on a 3 hour lunch at 12 so that I could watch UK beat UNC. John Wall dominated the first half only to come out in the second with bad cramps. We had a commanding lead that just shrivelled up. I don’t feel like breaking down the game but suffice it to say we need to work on free throws bad and learn to kick the ball out to our perimeter when they double down the big guys.

I went back to work for just an hour before leaving to go over to a friend’s to watch the SEC Championship game. Alabama beat Florida… well destroyed is a better word. I was happy. Tebow is good and all but he doesn’t make me a bandwagon Florida fan like a lot of people seem to be doing. I don’t really have a college football team but I’ll stick with USC for a few reasons. (That’d be SoCal and NOT SoCar.)

After that we made some delicious burgers. They’re at least a quarter pound each. I had two which was a HUGE mistake. I was sooooo full. Ms. Sexy X called me and talked for about 20 minutes which was great. Unfortunately I was at a friend’s and at the very end I felt like throwing up. She sounded wonderful though and that was the highlight of my day for sure. I think she misses me but I know she won’t say. She’s set her mind for the moment so maybe one day she will but I just have to wait. :-( I get where she’s coming from when she does that but I wish she’d open up to me again. Afterall, it’s just us. I’ll wait for her… I love her. :-)

So I almost threw up. I was in the bathroom for a good bit, I walked around outside in the BRISK 20 degree weather to help. I stood for the first part of the Ultimate Fighter.

The whole card was actually entertaining. I was disappointed with Matt beating Marcus. Matt is such an idiot saying they both have “retard strength” on live TV. Really? I laughed at how stupid he could be. McSweeney beat Schoonover which I did want. Hamill beat Jones though Hamill got beat down so badly. Jones got DQ’d for illegal vertical elbow drops to the face. I never heard of them doing a DQ… wouldn’t it be a NC? Interesting. Jones should have won but the ref wouldn’t call it. Kimbo Slice beat Houston Alexander (who has an uncanny resemblence to the rapper Common.) The first round was completely boring with Houston literally dancing around the ring for the whole fucking thing. The second round started the same way with weak leg kicks to Kimbo’s bad knee. Not a bad game plan but put some power behind that shit. Kimbo slammed him down a few times and dominated the second round. The third round they were both tired and there were some takedowns and punches exchanged but it was slow and went to the bell where they both were exhausted. By unanimous decision Kimbo won which I agree with. Now given his age and bad knee… I can see him fighting a few more times but I certainly don’t expect him to last. The last fight featured Brenden Shaub and Roy Nelson. Guess who fucking won? Yeah the fatass did. I do give him credit, he actually put up a much better fight this time. Clearly Shaub needed to stay on his feet which he figured out after shoving that lardass off of him with one hand (WOW!) They were trading licks after that. Nelson gets gassed quick so dancing around to the second round would have worked but instead they exchange punches again except this time Nelson catches Shaub with a HUGE right hook to the ear which puts him to sleep. He punched him once more on the ground but Shaub was dazed and the ref stepped in to signal the knockout. Am I disappointed? You bet but oh well.

Chuck Lidell and Tito Ortiz are the next coaches for the middleweight TUF. Why the washed up Chuck? I guess he gets ratings and is friends with Dana. I wanted to see Georges St. Pierre coach. This next Saturday is a huge fight card in UFC 107. I’ll watch for sure.

I went home after that as my stomach was still iffy. This morning I feel fine (knock on wood.) I wish I could have talked longer with her. I probably won’t hear from her again for another week if not two weeks. That sucks. :-(

Posted in College Football, Food, Ms. Sexy X, Myself, UFC, University of Kentucky | No Comments »

Long Day Gone

Friday, November 27th, 2009

Today is another day of significance. I got a text from Ms. Sexy X and then a voicemail and another text later on. :-) She also called not too long ago.

I just stayed up all night and went to work Black Friday at 4AM. I was in charge of selling a game system. I told her I thought it was dumb to sit in line forever for $30 in savings. She got upset (not “upset” but you know…) that I would say that. What if I couldn’t afford… and I said I wouldn’t buy it then. She said if it were for my kids and I was trying to get them something.

God I’m a jackass. I was going to be stubborn on the point but she’s right and I’m right. For myself I’d forego the item. In the time to wait I could work and earn the difference and not mess with the hassle or I would just decide it’s not worth it. HOWEVER, if it were for her or my kids I would definitely do it. The hassle would be worth the smile. Way to go with foot in mouth again!

Now I do stand firmly behind the belief that it is absolutely retarded to get arrested over it by threatening the employees with their lives (I kid you not.) That shit isn’t worth violence over, in that case I will gladly spend my $30 elsewhere even if I had kids. They would need a daddy – one not in the jail or hospital or morgue.

The day was long but pretty smooth. There were a few hiccups. I was dragging maybe due to some lack of sleep but moreso because it was so confusing and time was just ticking by so slowly even when I was busy. Usually I have the opposite effect.

I came home and took a hot shower, a two hour nap, ate a sandwich and had a Guinness. I watched a movie and I’m probably about to watch another. I was feeling sad before the call but not so much now. Our call did get sort of cut off because my brother stopped by. I was a bit pissed but it happens.

So now I am tired, a little sad, and very lonely. I’m lonely without her, having others around just doesn’t alleviate that sense of feeling.

Things are going pretty well. I guess we’re on friend status. She’s my best friend so I gladly take that. I still love her though. I’m sure she loves me still but there’s that thing that’s going to take time. I hope she’ll give me a second chance but that’s down the road and will come if it comes. I miss her so much. I’m just thankful that she keeps in touch, I’d be so much more devastated otherwise.

I can’t wait to move. It’s scary but I can’t stand this place anymore. It’s not bad it’s just me. I feel uncomfortable as if I don’t belong here and I cannot shake that feeling. I’m about to make some exciting changes whatever they may be. I’m not even sure yet… I have a general plan but I’m ready to improvise at any given minute.

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I Fucked Up

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

I’m not even sure what happened. I said something a month ago that Ms. Sexy X didn’t like and that’s what has been causing the tension. Apparently whatever I said seems to have ended this. I wish I knew but she won’t tell me.

I don’t understand as that isn’t fair and she hasn’t mentioned it until now. I asked her once before but she said nothing was wrong though clearly something was. She hasn’t given me the chance to apologize or make amends or change. I simply don’t understand why not. Every relationship goes through ups and downs, so why do Iget one up and one down and then I’m done?

I’m literally sick to my stomach and the depression is coming back full swing. I’m very sad and not just because I think I’m losing her but because I hurt her. I hate myself for it but it’s so much worse because I don’t know what I said.

I honestly don’t know anymore. I was feeling super depressed on my vacation. I cried several times that I know of because something felt wrong. Last night and today… it’s gotten so much worse. I’m hungry but I have no appetite which always happens when I get depressed. I’m tired and sad.

I still want to be friends with her as she is my best friend. I couldn’t bear not to talk with her. I’m just ashamed at myself. She’s different and I see this and I like it. I have to be more careful and she’s worth it but somewhere I got careless and slipped up and now I must pay the piper.

This marks a very low day for me. It’s only going to get worse I fear. I don’t expect to post again for a while. I’ll try to as this is supposed to help me.

I’ve been singing Alice In Chain’s “Down in a Hole” for weeks now so I knew something was wrong. I could feel it and I’ve been sad. I’m certainly down in the hole and I am kicking myself in the teeth.

I have no idea what to do.

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I’m So Fucked Up

Sunday, November 15th, 2009

I’m very lonely right now. Nothing interests me except Ms. Sexy X. I can’t help it. For guys that can just eject and go to another – I don’t have anything against guilt free one night stands as that’s all whatever to me (I do despise cheaters.) It’s just not my cup of tea. I rather have some sort of relationship and I’m fine by that. In this case I have a well established relationship which is much more than I could ask for and I love it.

How do I know she’s perfect for me? When I don’t want sex, I don’t want money, I don’t want expensive stuff, I don’t want power, I won’t let friends or family come in the way… none of that shit interests me like she does. Granted, it’d be nice to have all the luxuries especially sex but I’d forever be satisfied just being in her company. Just to lay next to her and talk or just be silent and stare into each other’s eyes. I know every guy out there would be thinking “what the fuck?” Yeah, it crosses my mind and yet it’s like I’m living in ecstacy so is it really all that crazy? She’s the one, I know it. I’ll work on getting the other stuff later but the most important part of everything is her. So I say to all the haters out there FUCK YOU and FUCK IT ALL. I’m doing what makes me happy and what makes her happy.

I probably didn’t make a lick of sense. I can’t get to sleep and had to type this out. You know there’s sadness and depression and anxiety over this whole situation that I’m dealing with. And yet for all that I’m happy to an extent and she’s soon to be happy which is what I want. Will we both be happy as we could be for now? Nah. Will we in the future? Gawd, I hope so. Any day with her is a good day so while I’m going through tough times, they’re certainly lightyears better than the alternative.

I love her that deeply. I miss her. :-(

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The Trash Fire Is Warm

Saturday, November 7th, 2009

I had a blast jet skiing today. This was my first time… solo anyways. I have a vague remembrance of riding just a tiny bit with someone but I can’t place where. Maybe not. I probably rode around 16 miles in an hour and twenty minutes.

I talked with Ms. Sexy X again. Our call got cut off yet again. That’s really starting to piss me off. I’m not sure what it was this time. She might have gotten sick or the doctor may have cut her short yet again. I just want to have one full fucking conversation with her. There’s 2 things I really wanted to get to and I was getting to and it just ended.

I’ve been struggling within myself to find a solution. To find a job, to get everything I need. I’m sick of thinking about money and how to live. I’m sure everyone else is too. Why can’t I just have happiness? I know where it lies and yet I can’t touch it. That makes me miserable.

I’m sick of everything. My eyes seek reality and I can’t find any. I’m stumbling… blinded by sorrow and love. I’m trying to figure out how the fuck to do this. The sorrow is here to stay until she comes back. The love will always be here, it’s not a problem in of itself – not by a longshot.

The main problem that I have is the need to get out of my home state. I can’t stand to be there anymore. I just have to move. Where? Well, I don’t have any ties elsewhere so any place is just as good as the next. This place I’m at now would work. I’m just trying to figure out the job situation as well as the living situation. Yikes.

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Tough Stuff

Friday, November 6th, 2009

My week so far has been so-so. I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that Ms. Sexy X will be leaving especially so soon after getting out of the hospital. It’s just like her though. Honestly, if it makes her happy that’s all that matters. I know to strangers looking in this all seems weird. They don’t get it and never will so I won’t even try to explain. I don’t think anyone really follows this anyways or at least I hope not.

I’ve been up and down all week. The depression was hitting hard and probably still will. I don’t like the fact that she’s going away but I can’t stop her and I don’t like the fact she won’t meet up with me. Something happened last month that just kind of flipped that switch. It’s all whatever. I’ll just wait. Why would I do that? She’s the one. I hate waiting but that’s my resolve and when I set my mind to something… well I just lock on. I’m still trying to figure out how to make this all work out in the end.

I’m sure I’m fucked up in the head to other people’s standards but luckily for me I don’t give a fuck what they think. There’s only one person’s opinion that matters to me, only one person’s love, only one person’s care.

This place isn’t half bad. It’s definitely a tourist place and lots of old people and quiet, I rather like it. I looooove lakes too so that certainly has an appeal. I just wish I had a boat. I think now would be a good time to move here but I’m not sure what kind of jobs are in the local economy. It’d be so much easier if I had money. Ha, like a lot of things I suppose. Life sucks sometimes.

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Pain In My Heart Is For You

Sunday, November 1st, 2009

I have talked with Ms. Sexy X for two days in a row. She’s recovering and it sounds hopeful. I am so grateful for that you wouldn’t believe. So why the pain?

She’s leaving. She’s travelling. I don’t know where we are, everytime we start talking about it we get disconnected. She tried calling back last night but as soon as I answered it hung up or I couldn’t hear anything. I fucking hate cell phones.

Things don’t look good at all right now. We’re just in a state of limbo which is unfathomable to me. This last month has been crucial to me and I don’t know what happened.

I’m in a fucking motel weeping to myself. How depressing. I rack my brain constantly to find a solution when nothing is presenting itself.

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Sin City

Friday, October 30th, 2009

Here I am sitting by the baggage claims of LAS. I came to visit Ms. Sexy X but she’s not here. I’ll make the best of my trip regardless.

I delayed my first flight, I arrived late and got held up at security. Score one for me today. I was afraid I’d miss my flight but this very nice woman kept the plane waiting. To be truthful, I probably only delayed the flight 5 minutes but it’s still embarrassing. My only saving grace is the fact that I had the first seat so I could just plop down. I talked with the flight attendent quite a bit, he was a nice guy. I didn’t want to talk but I was kind of forced to and in the end I knew it wouldn’t be all bad. I don’t regret it.

My second flight went smoothly. It was about an hour layover but it seemed like it went quick. I had to check my bag because I overstuffed it. I didn’t get charged for it which is nice. I took my laptop bag on and watched Public Enemies. Of course there’s a good half hour after takeoff until they let you use electronics and a half hour before landing where you must turn off so I didn’t finish that long movie in the air.

That brings me to this point, tired and wanting to go to my motel. Unfortunately, I have to wait on a certain shuttle and then it’s another two hours to my final destination.

I haven’t heard from Ms. Sexy X in 2 weeks but that’s expected. I emailed her mom for an update to which I received a reply yesterday afternoon. It was very terse saying that she’s ending all contact with me and she wishes me the best. Oooookay? All I did was ask her how Ms. Sexy X was doing… the last time we exchanged emails things went absolutely swell. My only guess is Ms. Sexy X was uncomfortable with me talking to her mom. Hey, I’d feel the same way if my mom did that so it’s all whatever. The problem is that it’s only speculation at this point. I have faith in her so I won’t read into it anymore than I have. It has bummed me out a little bit because it was from left field and felt like a punch to the gut. It’s alright though… I hope.

I’d like to get up and go do something but I’m a bit out of my element and I’m alone. That really blows. I plan on crashing when I get to the motel. Fuck it all.

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Four Seasons

Friday, October 23rd, 2009

Where does it all start and stop? I’m afraid if Ms. Sexy X breaks it off of where I will go. I know the future isn’t hopeless but there will always be a hole that cannot be filled. I’ve been picky with whom I want to date, lowering my standards resulted in utter failure which I knew to be a mistake. Lo and behold along comes Ms. Sexy X and she’s everything I’ve been looking for and then some all in one package. She’s far from a package – I adore her intelligence and thought process. To clarify she isn’t breaking it off, she stated as such. She is just unsure where to go and filling me in on what she’s thinking. It’s tought but I’m glad she’s informing me so we can talk it out. I would do anything for her and that includes dropping everything and going to her. She just has to say the word.

Right now I’m listening to Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons.” I have no idea who is preforming it nor do I care. I just love listening to the violins. It’s both cheerful and depressing, I suppose you can hit every emotion through the sound of the violin. I love guitars too but there’s something about classical music – though I can’t stand to listen to it for too long.

I’m not even sure where my day has gone. I worked out for about an hour, I know I’ve spent 2 hours watching a show but I can’t really account for 4 hours. I ate some, cleaned a little, watched some ESPN but what else? I know I spent some time on the computer. I don’t know nor do I really care. I’m trying to figure out how to get out of this place. It’s a scary proposition. At one time I had no qualms because I had a plan. Now I don’t, I’m just going to wing it. Given my anxiety, I can’t believe I’m doing that but I shall.

I wish I had money. Not even a lot, just enough to do what I need to do. I’ve got enough to barely scrape by. That’s fine, I’m not asking for a lot. I’d like more to enjoy myself, granted. But I want more so I can be with Ms. Sexy X. But how? I need something and in a legal way. It’ll just take time and that’s what I’m scared of. I can’t believe it could come down to this, surely not. It’s not a deal breaker but just another hurdle to leap over, nothing that can’t be solved by some resolve. I haven’t talked with her since but I’m at a loss.

Posted in Ms. Sexy X, Music, Myself | No Comments »

My Beautiful Disaster