My Beautiful Disaster

I wonder if I apologized immediately for my stupidity if that would have made a difference. Listen to yourself when your gut tells you something, I knew it that night and I did nothing. Instead I waited and then when nothing happened I just ignored it. She didn’t confirm it but I know her. Why do I have to be so dense?

So being at work today was just about the hardest thing to do. To make it worse it was absolutely dead so all I could do was think. I had to go to the bathroom a few times to catch my breath. We traded our last emails early this morning.

There’s other women out there, I know. You just know it when you find someone so perfect for you. She teases me about putting her on a pedestal, hell I don’t care to admit that I do. Honestly she’s got everything I could want in a woman so why wouldn’t she be perfect? I even bought a ring months ago, I don’t know when I’d give it to her but things were going smooth and I figured a year down the road, maybe 2 years. I guess that makes me an idiot. I don’t regret it, it just seems as if life likes to throw fucking wrenches at all of us.

How am I coping? I don’t know yet as I obviously have just begun. I knew this was coming for a while as evidenced by past posts. I’ve been in a depression for quite a while. My current plan is to move and pursue my interests. I just wish I knew exactly what I wanted. I’m not alienating my family anymore so than normal but I’ve liberated myself from them. I’m going to do what I want to do. It’s a selfish thing but fuck it. I can’t be stuck in this hell hole forever. I have an urge to just go.

I’m so tired. I’m down. I did eat, I’m hungry but don’t have an appetite. I’ll force myself to eat as I’ve been down this road before. It’s going to be tough because many things remind me of her. I miss her already.

Update: Hindsight is 20/20… it’s almost completely worthless. While a great learning tool, something much more valuable would be foresight. If only life were so easy. Just got done talking with a friend. No real insights, I guess I just needed to talk and he listened. It’d be nice to give him all the details but I’m too private a person. He gets it though. I’m still fucking hungry and tired. I managed to drink a Pepsi but that’s it. I’ve got a long night ahead of me. I hope sleep overtakes me.

Last night was my final call with Ms. Sexy X. I guess that was the “official” breakup. I didn’t see it coming tonight when I answered the phone but that’s the way it is. I miss her already god damnit.

We talked it out and I didn’t want to but knew it was going to happen. I say I didn’t see it coming but I did perhaps not last night but soon. Things weren’t meshing and the following was the final straw:

A key bit of advice for all gentlemen out there: don’t teasingly joke about checking out other women or them checking you out even if it’s not true. It degrades her and isn’t respectful. I’m not saying things wouldn’t have ended similarly but I fucked myself in the end on that one. It is juvenile. She’s got a great sense of humor but even that is going too far.

I know I did it before. Women: let your guys know they’re being idiots. Please. I knew it the last time I sent it and wanted to take it back. I had looked back that very same night and realized it was a jackass move but it was too late. I knew right away what it was but I thought surely that couldn’t end a relationship. It can. Oy. I feel like shit for doing that and making her cry.

I have to go to work now and I don’t want to. One foot at a time. I missed out on one of the greatest people out there. I’m a damned fool.

I have to move on but the pain will come first. It always does. I wish I could just disappear or stick my head in sand. I guess I know what that bad feeling was the other day, to go along with my depression.