I’ve gotten a bit lazy on working out. I put on a little weight which ain’t necessarily a bad thing but it’s driving me nuts that I haven’t gone running. It’s too fucking hot to run outside but I’ll have to push myself. Yuck.

I am single and enjoying it. I decided I didn’t want to date again for a while and I actually feel good about that!

I’ve got the usual problems – money, job, car, time. I’m running short on all of that. In a few months I’ll be set I suppose and running in the positive but I’m contemplating changing jobs already. Something that is higher paying. It would also help me lateral into a job that I want to do. Not that I don’t like my current job, per se, I do not see much room for growth. Not in this town.

I’ve been feeling a mix of depression and happiness lately. I dabbled here and there to see if I could get a date, then when I did I realized I didn’t want it. She did not take that very well and instead tried blaming it on a red herring. I admit it was bad timing but only because she sent something before I had a chance to send mine. Fuck it, I will let her believe whatever she wants to get her through the day. I’m happier for it though I did not wish to make her sad. I finally realized that I do in fact want to be single for a while, especially when I don’t have my shit together yet. The money situation is super tight and I have to budget everything which isn’t a bad thing but it just doesn’t make me happy being this short. The car crapping out and needing get fixed drained whatever future resources I had which means I have to unbury myself from that debt as well.

I’m pursuing this other job for the moment even though I didn’t want to leave my boss high and dry. But you know what? Fuck it, I’m doing what’s best for me. I’m tired of explaining myself to others and bend over backwards for them. I already told myself I wouldn’t do that and here I do it again! Jeez! Fuck all that noise.

I still have my moments of loneliness and depression but thankfully it’s not too bad and lasts a short while. When they come I just get up and leave, drive to a scenic spot and just relax. I can stare at the mountains or the clouds or the water and drift away. I’m still heartbroke and that takes its toll on me even though I try not to let it. I have my mask on but even it breaks on occasion. Fuck, why do I still have feelings of love and heartache? I wish it was easy as moving on or getting callous. I had a deep connection – I don’t regret that at all. She’s still my best friend but it sure makes it harder. Life is just hard, I struggle and push on in it and that’s what I have to do here. I don’t care about anything anymore, at least that’s what I tell myself. I’m capable of caring but I think throwing up a wall is easier in the beginning and end so why bother with anything else? Heyyyyy, that almost sounds callous except I might just be foolin’ myself. Awwwesome!

I went to a Three Days Grace/Breaking Benjamin concert. It was great.

I talked with MSX a few days ago. That was pleasant. I’m still thinking about her a bunch. I miss her.

I’ve been going to physical therapy a bunch. I have fun there and all the staff likes me. Today I helped one of their kids with his math. He’s a smart kid, I gave him a few pointers. Unfortunately, I reversed a problem and gave him the wrong answer and he had the right one! Oy. It felt good to do a little tutoring there. :-) My last appointment is coming up soon. Damn. I’m seeing lots of improvement though.

I may have sprained or fractured my finger. I don’t think it’s broke as I’m typing with it now and it doesn’t hurt. It’s just sore and purple and slightly swollen. That’s gone down a bunch since a few days ago.

I’ve a few other little things coming up. I’m still packing for my big move. I can’t wait! I am getting more nervous though. Blah.

This past month has given me a time to step back and review where I’m at. I wish it wasn’t like this but I’ve made the best of it and am improving myself so it isn’t a loss. I wish there was an easier way.

I’ve had maybe 6 Pepsis in the past month. It’s weird. I crack one open and drink 1/3-1/2 of it and don’t feel like having any more. I’d say it’s psychological. Heck, as soon as I can I’m going to start working out again, I’ve lost too much weight. :-/ I need to gain 15-20lbs of hopefully muscle. Fun stuff.

Right now there’s a mix of psuedo depression, anxiety, realization, learning, and hope going on right now. I get glimpses of each I suppose you could say. Hope is what I hang on to.

I may go running in shorts with snow on the ground. I’m debating it right now.

Fuck it. I plan on having fun and doing things my way.

I had a few rants and raves but I don’t care anymore. It’s all fucking whatever. I’m getting excited at moving. I’m planning my cross country trip. That’s still a huge hurdle but I don’t care. It could be the biggest mistake of my life but I won’t know until I try it. Fuck it, I’m going. :-) It’s a nice city and it’s near other major cities (I say near but a few hours minimum.)

I’m hoping my plan works out. Getting another job will be an issue I’m sure. I want to become a cop but I got a few ideas on jobs in the meantime. I think I’ll joing a gym and work on boxing type of activities. No serious training I don’t expect but I’d like to learn some juijitsu or something. The least I can do is weightlift.

There’s so many paths, who really knows? I just know I have to strike out on one of them and not sit at the crossroads any longer.

I’m still saddened a bit, I’ll start to tear up out of nowhere. I don’t fight it, it’ll go away after a few minutes. That’s how it goes.

One thing I still can’t figure out is what to eat. I need to cook something but I need a recipe book or something because I’m getting bored of eating bland meals. I need more time and money or at the very least my arm to heal up so it won’t be a pain in the ass.

Today… today is some more playoff games. The Vikings and Cowboys play in a few and the Jets and Chargers play. I’m going Vikings/Chargers in this one because that’s who I think will go to the Super Bowl. Thankfully the Cardinals had their asses taxed by the Saints because they’re a garbage team and I’m tired of the media talking them up. The Colts dismantled the Ravens… the ratbird’s offense just didn’t show up.

I’m tired and cranky. I want to fucking go. I feel like I’m on the edge of a dip in a roller coaster or a massive storm that is about to break. I’m holding my breath praying for a moment to breathe. I’ve felt like this since… what October? September? End of May?

My lunch is going to consist of a glass of water and a Sara Lee cinnamon raisin bagel with Philadelphia cream cheese. Simple and delicious. Every time I eat one, every time I have a Pepsi it reminds me. There’s no getting around that. I chuckle every time I bite into the top half first. I’m so dorky… it brings tears to my eyes. Ha. :-(

What brings me to this is seeing this guy lose 125lbs in under a year. I haven’t read through the blog because it would bore me but I’m sure there’s a great story there. http://www.344pounds.com/ The key is to have the proper mindset which he has. I always tell people that want to lose weight that it is easy – simply don’t eat! I’m dead serious but not realistic. You should eat some but I would severly restrict it so that your stomach shrinks and becomes accustomed to less. Drink lots of water – dump soda, coffee, and beer. Once you get down to where you want to be you can drink it all again. I drink on average 2 Pepsis a day and I’m underweight. I’m trying to gain weight. This surgery has made me hungry as hell. It’s actually helping counter the depression feeling of not wanting to eat. I’ve lost weight again (under 160… damn.) If I gain weight I want it to be muscle, I’m pretty lean right now so I don’t want it in the form of a gut. If you’re prepared to lose weight be sure to eat less and excercise. It’s pretty simple – burn off more calories than you take in. Once you get to being active you can eat more because your body burns more, you’ll feel energetic, and eat some healthy shit every now and then. I’m a meat and potatos kind of guy but I’ll throw down some veggies and fruits every now and then. I also take multivitamins once a day. Don’t give me the excuse of being “big boned” because you’re not… you’re fat and have no self control, no will power, and no shame apparently. Don’t give me a thyroid excuse either. Mindset is all I want from you that you CAN and WILL do what it takes.

This can be applied to many things. Right now I need to apply it to my relationships. It’s a work in progress. “I can’t” shouldn’t be in anyone’s vocabulary if the task is reasonable. I had a better rant before but this goddamned server took a shit for a few minutes and lost it. Oh well.

I delayed my first flight, I arrived late and got held up at security. Score one for me today. I was afraid I’d miss my flight but this very nice woman kept the plane waiting. To be truthful, I probably only delayed the flight 5 minutes but it’s still embarrassing. My only saving grace is the fact that I had the first seat so I could just plop down. I talked with the flight attendent quite a bit, he was a nice guy. I didn’t want to talk but I was kind of forced to and in the end I knew it wouldn’t be all bad. I don’t regret it.

My second flight went smoothly. It was about an hour layover but it seemed like it went quick. I had to check my bag because I overstuffed it. I didn’t get charged for it which is nice. I took my laptop bag on and watched Public Enemies. Of course there’s a good half hour after takeoff until they let you use electronics and a half hour before landing where you must turn off so I didn’t finish that long movie in the air.

That brings me to this point, tired and wanting to go to my motel. Unfortunately, I have to wait on a certain shuttle and then it’s another two hours to my final destination.

I haven’t heard from Ms. Sexy X in 2 weeks but that’s expected. I emailed her mom for an update to which I received a reply yesterday afternoon. It was very terse saying that she’s ending all contact with me and she wishes me the best. Oooookay? All I did was ask her how Ms. Sexy X was doing… the last time we exchanged emails things went absolutely swell. My only guess is Ms. Sexy X was uncomfortable with me talking to her mom. Hey, I’d feel the same way if my mom did that so it’s all whatever. The problem is that it’s only speculation at this point. I have faith in her so I won’t read into it anymore than I have. It has bummed me out a little bit because it was from left field and felt like a punch to the gut. It’s alright though… I hope.

I’d like to get up and go do something but I’m a bit out of my element and I’m alone. That really blows. I plan on crashing when I get to the motel. Fuck it all.

After that, I threw a football with my brother for about an hour. He stopped by and I was feeling energetic. So much so that I was going to go for a mile run. I don’t need to tell you that running after smoking isn’t a smart idea but fuck it. I barely made half a mile before resting for 2 minutes then running back a half mile. I was tired… not really out of breath but I figure I didn’t have a whole lot of oxygen in my system.

I went up to the roof right after to catch my breath and cool off and watch the sunset. Much to my dismay the clouds rolled in so I didn’t get to see much of anything. I went back inside and took a hot bath, I just soaked my legs for a good while before I showered. I watched the Ultimate Fighter and then watched “the Shining.” I forgot how looooooong that movie is. Jeez.

Rampage Jackson is such a dick. I don’t like him at all. He berates and berates. He is a horrible coach, he doesn’t build his guys up but merely talks smack about the opponents. It’s no wonder he is about to get sweeped just like last year. He kept calling Darrill “titties” even though his own boy Zac had bigger man boobs. Darrill is beastly for drinking that much alcohol especially when trying to get in shape to fight. Stupid. I wanted Zac to win, he’s a bit of a social outcast. He looked okay in the fight but kept his guard too low and took too many quick shots to the face. He had the nice and much needed takedown to escape defeat and he hammerfisted nicely. You could see how tired or dazed he was. He allowed himself to get into a triangle choke within Darrill’s legs. He held on for a long time but made no attempt to break it and Darrill finally got the extra leverage using his arm to help choke him out. Oh well. I like Rashad and I think he could easily kick Rampage’s ass especially since that pussy chickened out on the fight. (Rampage commented that Rashad wanted to hold on to the belt longer so he refused a fight. Riiiight, like he wanted to get his face destroyed by Lyoto Machida over your pansy ass… that totally makes sense.)

I slept in until 1000 today. I was happy about that. I got on my computer just fiddling around, putting off what I needed to do. There’s a song called “Breathe Into Me” by Red that I discovered and like. I finally got to writing a letter to Ms. Sexy X. Well, it was more of a poem I had written for her a while back. I have one more as well. I also sent her a long email about some stuff. I don’t know when she’ll read that as she doesn’t have access to it. I was going to send via regular mail but she won’t see that for a while and it didn’t feel right to send it through that. It took a little while for both things to get them perfect. Then I went to the hospital to fix some billing issues. I just got back and ate.

I’ve gotten a bunch out of the way today. I feel good to some extent. There’s a depression looming overhead so I can’t get too excited. I have to come up with ideas. Oy.

A new Vampire Diaries is on tonight. I like the show well enough but it’s a bit too… teen/high school/dramatic for my tastes. That said I read the books and they’re only loosely following them but I still enjoy watching them. True Blood doesn’t start again until next summer I think. So fucking far away.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkXPw_lorew

When I got home I grabbed a Pepsi and head for the roof to watch the sunset. It was actually warm out so I had put on shorts and a T-shirt. It was pretty. All I could think of was why this is happening, how can such hate, malice, and evil thrive in a world so beautiful. It’s fucking disappointing. I was looking for inspiration on what to do, where to go. I’m at a loss really and that’s even more frustrating.

From there I went on to the back deck with a football and just threw to some chairs for a while. The deck is rather large. I threw the ball off the deck a few times for fun and ran up and down the hill to get it. I did that for a good bit, about 20 minutes I’d say. After that I did a bunch of pullups, 40 to be exact. I also did 40 knee ups. My abs are burning. I’m sure I’m strengthening them though I wish I had washboard status going on. Well, it’s no big deal but it’d be nice.

I watched the new NCIS. It was a forgettable episode. Tony (Michael) wasn’t as funny as normal. Something just seemed off about the whole episode, perhaps because it was themed? I’m not sure. I still enjoy it and the killer was easy to guess, I did right off the bat. My suspicions were confirmed the longer they went after everyone else… the lack of talking about that person made me know it’d be her.

Sons of Anarchy was pretty good. The crew were up to their shenanigans again and a lot of things happened. I’ll write up that post later. I can’t wait until next week’s. Oy.

I also watched Enemy of the State after the show. I forgot how long that movie is. It’s a classic though, I like it.

Now I’m going to go eat leftovers and I don’t know what else. Maybe I’ll go to bed early. I’m sort of tired. I just don’t want to lie here thinking. I know I’m sort of sad/depressed but I’m not letting it phase me. I’m just neutral right now. I don’t know how long I can hold myself at that. I just have to keep doing what I have to do and maybe things will fall into place. I’m trying, all I need is a chance.

I panicked because I couldnt find a receipt for a laser printer I bought the other day on sale. I bought my brother’s old one for much cheaper so I returned this one. The receipt was where I originally thought it was, it just fell under a box somehow.

When I got back home I decided to tackle cleaning the bathrooms. No problem for mine and the other bathroom but my brother left the master bath a complete fucking mess. It was dirty nasty. I should have made his ass clean it up but I opted to. I scrubbed and scrubbed which isn’t easy when you have a bum wrist. It’s not spotless, but it is far closer to being clean than it was after only a hour and a half of cleaning.

I then vacuumed as much as I could, getting the crevices good before I put down bug spray. I’ve killed 3 wolf spiders and 2 silverfish lately so I had to get on that.

I decided to go run a mile tonight as well. Yeah, I was tired but fuck it. I ran almost the whole mile, the last hundred yards I did a full out sprint. My legs still felt fresh and my lungs felt good, I could have gone another mile or two I bet. But I just cooled down, did a little backwards running, and then took a cold shower just in time to settle down in bed to watch some Monday Night Football.

I called the Dolphins to win this, confusing the Jets D with their wildcat formations. So far that’s been working. The Jets had two major drive saving fake punts which revived the drive and led to two scores (TD and FG.) The game might be much more lopsided if it wasn’t for that. The Dolphins have been using Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams to great effect. They’ve eaten up so much clock as usual. Michael Vick would be the perfect QB for this wildcat offense. I’m impressed at the running game, that’s all it is. If they could get some good pass plays in, wow the offense would be untouchable.

I’ll probably watch a movie or something after this. I’m not sure. I’m bored and lonely. My mom called earlier today and pissed me off as usual. I’m about done with this shit. During my vacation I’m going to see if I can’t look for an apartment so I can just move. I’ll get a new phone too. Whether I disconnect the old one will depend on how much she bugs me. I don’t hate them or anything but she keeps annoying me about stupid shit and I’m just fed up.

I went to the movies with some friends to see Zombieland. I don’t care for theaters or overpriced tickets, besides most movies are okay but nothing that really interests me. I’m always down for watching a movie if it’s free so it’s not a slight against movies themselves.

Then she sent a sweet little message while there. I texted her back. She said she felt horrible and that her mom was texting. Awww crap, I felt embarrassed. But she let me know that she was reading them and not her mom. Okay, that’s cool. That was the last of the texts but I’ll take them. :-) I really hope she does that again sometime, I loooove getting them from her. Sigh.

The movie itself was funny. There were dead spots and lame humor at some points but I was amused especially at the over the top gore. I don’t think I can recommend it to go see it but if you’re one of those that goes to the movies anyways then I would recommend it.

The rules were stupid, the first was “cardio,” second is “double tap,” and third is “beware of bathrooms,” with the fourth being “seatbelts.” That just doesn’t make sense. Double tap should be number one if anything. It was done for humor but still. I’m not sure why he used a double barrel shotgun. While it’s nice, he had better weapons like automatic or pump shotguns, fully automatic machine pistols (how I’m not sure,) and of course pistols. His stance of holding it with a chicken wing was pitiful, I know he’s playing the dork role but still. What’s the deal with Woody’s sawed off lever action? You’re living with zombies and you have to cock your rifle everytime? Ever hear of carrying one in the chamber? I know, I’m getting too technical. Some of this stuff added to the humor of the film. Let’s not forget the twinkies, I was laughing at that. Twinkies are okay but sometimes I’ll have an unforgiving urge for one.

This morning I felt really tired and I still do. I worked for a few hours and now I’m watching football. I’m trying to motivate myself to do something but I’m not faring very well. I need to workout today and do a little cleaning.

I just love hearing our fearless leader getting the Nobel Peace Prize for his whole 9 months in office. It must be nice to be black, affirmative action apparently reaches all the way to Geneva. Who am I kidding? The ultra liberal europeans are leading that pack. Meanwhile there’s hundreds of people slaving away to make the world a better place and what do they get? I know, it’s not about recognition but that’s just fucking harsh. /rant