My Beautiful Disaster

I went to bed at 2AM last night. I woke up at 5AM and sort of slept for another hour. Basically, I’m working off of 3 hours of sleep. I worked 7-4 today. I guess I was foolish to think I’d get more calls this weekend because I surely have not. I have this small depression building up and drinking some beers last night and getting little sleep did nothing for me save for making my morning depression worse. I managed to get through the day somehow. At lunch I called a friend and we talked for about 20 minutes. He helped a bunch. I hung up with him and it was hitting me so hard.

Ms. Sexy X had written a few cards to me and I read them every day without fail since I got them. (Part of my morning routine.) I had to wait until lunch to read them today so I read them after I ended the conversation with him. They put a smile back on my face. It’s so hard, I miss her so. I actually cried right before I read them. Why?  I tried to call her but I got voicemail. Then I cried just a little.

Whenever she calls I still get nervous and happy at the same time. When I call, I get all nervous and excited but I also get anxiety because what if she doesn’t answer? That’s exactly what happens 90% of the time and it is killer. You might be thinking “why keep calling?” I’d rather take the chance at the 10% and feel that way than to avoid calling just so I feel good. Fuck that. I always feel so much better when she does answer. She makes me very happy.

If you’re thinking I’m not so happy right now, that’s not her doing. That’s mine and I know it. I’m a prisoner to my own mind. It sucks big time. I recognize it and there’s times I absolutely can’t do anything about it. Trust me, I’m stubborn and I’m trying. It’s a bitch.

“And if I close my mind in fear… please pry it open…”

Well, it’s as good as it gets for now. I’m certain that I will have better mornings in the future when I wake up next to my Ms. Sexy X. She texted me early this morning. The same simple thing but boy do I love it! It means a lot to me. In addition to the calls I got yesterday, I’m in a good mood. To top it off it is really nice outside again.

The only downside is that I have to be getting to work in a little while. Bullocks.

I have my white strips on for the first time in 2 weeks (due to the cold.) I hate how one strip will go on perfect and the other one slides around. It only matters which one goes on second that does that. I’ve tried putting them on fast in succession. I’ve also washed my hands and carefully dried inbetween. No matter what it happens. I don’t know a trick around that. I still have a light cough and a slight runny nose. I’m almost done with it though.

One more day down, I’m getting closer. I can’t wait.

I went to bed at around 1:30AM. I didn’t want to because I was afraid I wouldn’t get sleep. Once again I thought I slept for hours when I woke up at 3AM. Wonderful. I tried cleaning out my nasal passages but to no avail. I went back to sleep for all of 30 minutes maybe. I woke up again and did some laundry and took some medicine and drank some water and used my neti pot yet again. This time I took a while. Best results uses a bit over a tsp of salt and hot water. You don’t want it too hot because you can burn your sinuses. I try to skirt that line because the mucus just won’t break up unless it’s hot enough. I don’t even know when I went back to sleep. Throughout the night I had water and gatorade and I woke up a million times to just blow my nose. Right now it feels like someone is sitting on the bridge of my nose with the pressure there. I finally cleared out both passages but wouldn’t you know it clogs back up but this time switches sides. I HATE THAT. ARRRGH!

I’ve got a touch of the depression settling in. It’s about that time of the week but this sickness is setting it off earlier. I expect she might call tonight or tomorrow if at all. I hate the uncertainity of it all. I can’t think right nor breathe right which is buggering the shit out of me making it all the worse. Who gets a fucking cold in summer? I’m going to punch my friend for giving this to me.

Ms. Sexy X’s mom never replied to me. I didn’t expect it. I was kind of hoping for one but I don’t blame her for not. I think she’s decided not to for right now. That really fucking sucks. Those were like midweek boosters for my morale. Oh well. I think she’s okay with me but I can’t be sure. I’m trying not to worry about it but I value and respect her opinion. I’d sure hate for it to be sullied toward me. Ugh.

Ms. Sexy X makes my heart jump for joy whenever I think of her. Right now I couldn’t feel much shittier and I really don’t care. I have her picture(s) by my bed and she makes me smile right now and forget about all that. The way she talks drives me insane with pleasure. She’s so smart and has this cute sarcastic streak about her. I remember when we first started talking she was embarrassed by her voice. I loved it and couldn’t figure out what was wrong. She said she sounded like a 5 yr old. Ummm, no. Now I don’t like my voice, I’ve shunned cameras for years due to that. I finally accepted I am the way that I am. I think she was just shy and is over that. I could listen to her voice endlessly. :-) It’s like being on cloud number 9. She’ll tease me relentlessly sometimes about different things. I don’t mind, I love it. There’ll be times she wants to say something and then clams up. I don’t understand that because then it’s like I’m moving backwards when we’ve come all this way. I’ll push and push and she’ll usually say it. I take that back, I understand WHY she does it, I just wish she’d be more open. She is, don’t get me wrong. I suck at explaining this. Those so many things about her that makes her perfect to me. I love her deeply. :-)

Tiger Woods lost to Yang. I haven’t seen any of the clips yet but he shot a 75 which doesn’t sound like he did well. (Boy, I’d kill for a score like that!)

I’ll post a review for the newest True Blood in a bit. I’m going to rewatch it first.

Hey you, get off of my cloud. ;-)