It’s not women, it’s not money/debt, it’s not lack of a job. Those things are being fixed or in the process of being fixed. That shit brings about lots of stress.

But, no. I’m still sad. I’m asking myself “am I happy?” and my answer is “no.” The obvious followup question is “what do I need to do to be happy?” and all I come up with is a blank. If my idea of moving and starting fresh didn’t fix it then what? What am I without? What am I with? What is holding me back? What do I want? I want nothing… so what do I do with that?

As it’s been pointed out so many times before - I overanalyze. The problem is I can’t stop. I don’t know how to stop. One of the only reliefs is when I go out and relax either via fishing or tanning. I can zone out for a brief time. In fact, I think I’ll go down to the lake and just sit there.

I’m scared, alone, and unhappy. Goddamnit I don’t want to cry anymore. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of skipping meals. I’m sick of not getting any sleep. I’m sick of it all. I don’t know what to do. The fucking worst part of it is that I clam up to myself and I don’t know how to share. I just put on my mask and to everyone else I look like I’m fine but I’m not. Oh no, I’m not.

The idea of surrounding myself with friends is a good one. I’m trying to stay busy and work. It’s just not doing anything. Seeking help is against every being of my nature, I’m far too stubborn. I don’t want help, I don’t want doctors, I don’t want medicines. I can beat this shit.

Sure this comes in cycles but more oft than not I’m on the downward spiral of that cycle. I’m tired of being down in a hole. Where is my escape?

I went to a Three Days Grace/Breaking Benjamin concert. It was great.

I talked with MSX a few days ago. That was pleasant. I’m still thinking about her a bunch. I miss her.

I’ve been going to physical therapy a bunch. I have fun there and all the staff likes me. Today I helped one of their kids with his math. He’s a smart kid, I gave him a few pointers. Unfortunately, I reversed a problem and gave him the wrong answer and he had the right one! Oy. It felt good to do a little tutoring there. :-) My last appointment is coming up soon. Damn. I’m seeing lots of improvement though.

I may have sprained or fractured my finger. I don’t think it’s broke as I’m typing with it now and it doesn’t hurt. It’s just sore and purple and slightly swollen. That’s gone down a bunch since a few days ago.

I’ve a few other little things coming up. I’m still packing for my big move. I can’t wait! I am getting more nervous though. Blah.

This past month has given me a time to step back and review where I’m at. I wish it wasn’t like this but I’ve made the best of it and am improving myself so it isn’t a loss. I wish there was an easier way.

I’ve had maybe 6 Pepsis in the past month. It’s weird. I crack one open and drink 1/3-1/2 of it and don’t feel like having any more. I’d say it’s psychological. Heck, as soon as I can I’m going to start working out again, I’ve lost too much weight. :-/ I need to gain 15-20lbs of hopefully muscle. Fun stuff.

Right now there’s a mix of psuedo depression, anxiety, realization, learning, and hope going on right now. I get glimpses of each I suppose you could say. Hope is what I hang on to.

I may go running in shorts with snow on the ground. I’m debating it right now.

Fuck it. I plan on having fun and doing things my way.

What brings me to this is seeing this guy lose 125lbs in under a year. I haven’t read through the blog because it would bore me but I’m sure there’s a great story there. http://www.344pounds.com/ The key is to have the proper mindset which he has. I always tell people that want to lose weight that it is easy – simply don’t eat! I’m dead serious but not realistic. You should eat some but I would severly restrict it so that your stomach shrinks and becomes accustomed to less. Drink lots of water – dump soda, coffee, and beer. Once you get down to where you want to be you can drink it all again. I drink on average 2 Pepsis a day and I’m underweight. I’m trying to gain weight. This surgery has made me hungry as hell. It’s actually helping counter the depression feeling of not wanting to eat. I’ve lost weight again (under 160… damn.) If I gain weight I want it to be muscle, I’m pretty lean right now so I don’t want it in the form of a gut. If you’re prepared to lose weight be sure to eat less and excercise. It’s pretty simple – burn off more calories than you take in. Once you get to being active you can eat more because your body burns more, you’ll feel energetic, and eat some healthy shit every now and then. I’m a meat and potatos kind of guy but I’ll throw down some veggies and fruits every now and then. I also take multivitamins once a day. Don’t give me the excuse of being “big boned” because you’re not… you’re fat and have no self control, no will power, and no shame apparently. Don’t give me a thyroid excuse either. Mindset is all I want from you that you CAN and WILL do what it takes.

This can be applied to many things. Right now I need to apply it to my relationships. It’s a work in progress. “I can’t” shouldn’t be in anyone’s vocabulary if the task is reasonable. I had a better rant before but this goddamned server took a shit for a few minutes and lost it. Oh well.

I did get a response back on my third option. Her mom sounded like usual in the email which was great but she gave me the update which wasn’t.

Ms. Sexy X had to undergo surgery (sooner than she wanted to due to a seizure) to debulk. The doctors didn’t want to wait any longer and they removed some but not as much as they wanted. She underwent a second surgery and again the doctors felt they could get more so she will now undergo a third surgery. I’m scared shitless. I have every ounce of faith in her, she’s tough as hell. I have faith in the doctors. I’m just afraid, period. I do believe she’ll come through this alright. I do. I guess this is where the plunge is before the ride and I’m just holding my breath.

I miss her now more than ever. I can’t tell you how much this hurts to be so far away, no where near her while she undergoes surgery. I feel so god damned helpless. I need her.

Why did I withhold this information? Well I’m not sure anyone reads this blog anyways. I get a ton of hits from stupid webcrawlers and bots which annoys me. I don’t know, this is just private information and not something I want to share. It pains me. It pains me to know she’s in pain.

Cancer is so evil. What causes it? Why would your own body attack you like that? What’s the logic in it? There is none. It’s a parasite, pure and simple. Note the title here? Hetfield said it best in that song. You feed it once and it stays. It hates you so hold me. Hold her, that’s all I want to do is hold her.

I’ve never really hated anyone or anything. Now I do. I hate cancer. I absolutely despise it. The only thing that can threaten my Ms. Sexy X that I can’t possibly protect her from… and it happens. It’s just an evil disease. How many times have you turned on the news to see someone else died from cancer? If I could eat her cancer, I would without hesitation. The pain is so excruiciating knowing she is in pain. God damnit why? Why? There is no reason why but to do or die. I know that’s in reference to something else but it applies here and that’s all there is. It happened so live with it. She will beat this fucking disease.

The only anger I hold is towards these fucking rampant cells. Sigh.

Ms. Sexy X, I love you.

I feel fine this morning. There’s a tinge of sadness there. It’s been 9 days now since I last heard from her. I’m hoping she’ll call today. I tried last night but I’m not sure if it rang because it did a weird disconnect thing, I think that’s on her end but it could be my phone. I’m not worried about it. I dream of her a lot in so many ways. I can’t wait.

I will be sending this letter off Tuesday, I haven’t finished it yet just in case she calls. She should get it by the first of October and I’m sure she’ll love it. I’m also bidding on two cute shirts for her, I know she says she doesn’t want gifts. I’m debating on how to give them to her. I’d like to give them to her in person. I may ship one and take the other with me. She wants this shirt and she’d like it, I know she would. I like both these shirts. We’ll see. I’m looking forward to that.

I haven’t been shopping in a while. I’ve been saving up money and I just haven’t felt up to it. I guess it’s a sort of depression thing but it’s whatever. I may do it this week.

Today is NFL football day. I think I’ll just stay at home and watch the games. I know it’s not the most exciting thing ever but I like watching football. That sucks because I know she would watch with me (I don’t think she’s the biggest fan ever but she definitely likes it. That’s how I am though, so we’re perfect for each other. Just another thing. ;-)) I have to scour the internet for a link to her team since it’s not on the locals. It’d be nice to have DirectTV but that’s way too expensive for me. I’d go to a bar but I don’t feel like it. The Steelers do take on the Bengals and I’m hoping they cream them like normal. I’m worried about Palmer going after Carter, he’s no Polamalu.

Today I’m really feeling very neutral. We’ll see how it goes. The only two times I’ve felt really sad is the past two nights I think when I went to bed. I guess right when I wake up too for the same reason. It’s all so very hard.

On a lazy, fatass note I do plan on working out but there’s a strong possiblity I won’t because of the aforementioned adjectives I’ve picked for myself. ;-) It may be because I’m awwwesome!

I had an ailing stomach and went to the bathroom several times this morning. I was hoping it was just from last night’s pizza. Unfortunately, it hit me several times today. I haven’t felt too bad really besides going to the bathroom. I’m hoping I’m not sick, I don’t feel it. I haven’t eaten any supper yet, I’m a bit afraid too.

Work was busy so it kept me occupied most of the time today. Florida took on UK today and I knew it was going to be a beatdown. I watched the first quarter before I tuned out. 31-0 and Hartline had 2-6 throwing with 1 whole yard. Wow that sucks. I believe the final score was 41-7 not that it mattered. Tebow went to the hospital after taking a hard hit though I figure he’s just shook up. I know there’s going to be a lot of drinking in Bluegrass nation tonight.

I had one strange black woman looking down at a phone or something and she snapped her head looking at me all exorcism style and says “Jesus is lord” and she snaps her head back to where she was looking. I said “ooooh kay” casually and she says “sorry I just wanted you to know.” I just gave her an odd stare and continued on.

I have been dreaming all day when I can. My dreams are simple but enormous. I’m nervous about going out there, this may be my chance. I haven’t heard from Ms. Sexy X in… is it 8 days now? I think that’s right. I’m worried but I know she’s fine, it’s just tough. I don’t know, I’m having a hard time saying what I want to say on here.

I have simple dreams and I’m so close. Please, please work out. Arrrgh!

Okay… so today was okay. My morning went by fine. I’ve been thinking about my Ms. Sexy X, it’s been a week now. It sucks but what can I do? I’m keeping a good attitude. I’m worried as usual but that’s nothing new. I haven’t felt depressed… well I had a moment but it was only a moment. Overall, I’ve been feeling good.

I was teasing a manager of mine and she decided to get smart with me so I got smart back with her. She comes back at me later to do the same thing and I was a bit pissed but I think she was just messing with me. The way she did it was really smart and you know what I gave her? The same thing with a heavy dose of sarcasm. I just didn’t care.

After work I got on my pull up bar. I did 4 sets of various 7 reps. I used to be able to do 10-11 but when I stopped 3 months ago… that went downhill so I’m working my way back up. I maxed at 8. Those straps are beastly. I cannot hold my legs out straight but I can hold them out somewhat. I can only hold for maybe 30 seconds, to be honest I just go until I drop. But I follow up each pull up set with a set of 10 reps of bringing the knees up to the chest and back down while using my arms to make sure I’m holding myself up straight. That shit works the abs, I can feel it. Whether that does anything for me I don’t know but we’ll see.

What pissed me off is I got off work to log on here and immediately got a virus. God damned iframe injection again. Is there anyway I can block this shit? I don’t use iframes and I don’t want it. I installed several antivirus plugins for this blog and they didn’t do anything. I’ve contacted my hosts and they’re looking into it. I’ve also changed the file permissions. I fucking HATE hackers.

I do apologize if there is a rare reader that even sees this blog (not just for the content! ;-)) I’m not adding anything to this site like that… I HATE popups. This is invisible so you can’t see the popup but it does open up an unsecure connection to a malicious website. Apparently this type of attack is happening a lot lately so I’m not alone in that regards. It still sucks. I have to go in and edit the files or overwrite them with the backups which pisses me off. I try to do that every morning in order to catch it (the attacks come at 3AM it seems like.) Unfortunately, I had to work so the soonest I could look was this evening. I hope no one but me got infected (which I immediately fixed thanks to a recent system restore.)

I’m not sure how but the attacker will somehow inject one line of code that opens an iframe on the user’s computer which opens a website that you can’t see. Hence “iframe injection” is what it is called. They insert it into the index.php or index.html files. It’s easy to detect but you’d think there’d be an easy way to block it too.

Then I go to eat at a restaurant tonight and the waiter was horrible. At first it took a while but it was busy in there so we chalked it up to that. The place started clearing out shortly after we sat down and they were trying to order beer (I stuck with ice water, thankfully.) We put our order in pretty quick so it came out in a timely manner. They had empty beer glasses and ordered more by the time the pizza came out they still didn’t have a refill. As we ate he never checked up on us. Finally they ordered more beer by the time I asked for a to go box. It took quite a few minutes to get that… whatever. The next time he came around they ordered more beer and I asked for my check. It took a while to get the check, again no problem. I had my card ready when he handed it to me but he gave it to me and turned around and was flirting with two ugly ass women. WHAT THE FUCK? Then he wandered off. It took 30 minutes before he ran my card and when he did he managed to add a beer to my ticket. I waited 15 minutes for him to come back and when he didn’t, I got a manager and complained. He fixed the ticket but I wasn’t sure if he’d do anything. The store manager is real good about this stuff so I’ll email her. I didn’t leave a tip nor will I sit in his section again. That reminds me of this one waitress I think I got fired… well the final straw I’d guess. That’s for another time.

Now I’m here in a pissy mood and alone in bed. I hate that shit. I just want to wrap my arms around my woman and just lay there with her next to me… gawd. Now I’m in a pissy AND sad mood. Ha, I’m a dork.

The final episode of the season of True Blood is tonight. (S02E12: Beyond Here Lies Nothin’) It’s starting now actually. I can’t wait. :-) I’ll post about it later, probably sometime tomorrow.

I went outside today and tanned for two hours. It seemed to work a little bit though I may give it another go a few more times to see if I can get darker. It’s not necessary though… this golden tan looks good I think. I used my Crest White Strips today. My teeth no longer hurt the past few times I’ve used them. I also went and got a Gold’s Gym pull up bar. It cost $45 but I’ve been neglecting myself for 2 months now. I ran the other day and I’m not going to start that up with any regularity but I do want to use that pull up bar on a regular basis. I was up to doing 10 slow chin ups easy… actually closer to 12. I’d do it a few times a day. I can barely do 5. I like this product as it takes a second to assemble and I can use it in any doorway. It’s not as good as a dedicated bar but you gotta make do with what you have sometimes.

I’ve been thinking. I’ve got a plan in the back of my head on how to use my vacation days. :-) :-) :-) Also, I’m trying to think of a way to constructively use my spare time. It’s hard to do when the depression swings around but perhaps it’ll help. I just have to come up with whatever “it” is.

Tomorrow I have to mail off some items I put on eBay. About half my stuff sold which is awesome.

In tech news, 802.11n was finally approved by the IEEE. It’s been in “draft” status for 7 years now. Most devices should work with the final version but it’s about time. I don’t know what red tape holds it back but improving on old standards is always better for everyone.

I don’t know what to do. It’s another day without talking to Ms. Sexy X, I’m always worried for her. So that’s bearing down on me hardest. I can live with it, I just look to the next day and hope she says the word. I’m not fooling myself because it’s probably 2 months out or more but fuck it. She may just say “fuck it” and say the word so I can go out there. I really hope she does. But that’s all whatever. I’ll wait.

Right now I’m just looking forward to grilling a few burgers, drinking my Pepsi, and watching a movie. Beyond that I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. I’m just trying to kill another day so that I’m closer to my darling.

I bought a gross of Pepsi. Why? The 12 packs were on sale for $1.99, how could I possibly pass that up? It’ll last me a few months at one to two a day. I’m allowed a vice so back off. I brush my teeth 3 times a day too.

The burgers I make are delicious. I prefer them rare though on occasion I’ll cook all the way up to medium well as they’re still juicy. I pat them out into quarter pounders, I add garlic powder, cayenne pepper, and Famous Dave’s seasoning to them. I grill to desired doneness and then add a slice of swiss and that’s all she wrote. It’s very tasty.

Before I forget, the Miami/Florida State University game was excellent last night. I’m more of a defense person so the Steelers are naturally fun to watch. That game had some good defensive plays but the secondary was young and weak for both sides so there was a LOT of deep passing plays. Regardless, the points didn’t get too far out of control because each team’s defense made some nice stops here and there. The kicker for FSU shanked 2 and then made the rest. It went to the very last second where Ponder threw a low pass but it was catchable. The receiver dropped it in the endzone. I liked seeing Miami win. My question is what the hell the coach was thinking by not calling a timeout and wasting 20 seconds? That prevented getting a running play or two in. Piss poor coaching.

Yesterday I was feeling really worried. I called, texted, and emailed Ms. Sexy X. I got nothing. I had to go to work at noon. Sigh. I was texting a friend when I went in and at 1201 I’m wondering why he just blew up my phone with 3 text messages in a row. As I opened it I realized only one was from him and the other two were from Ms. Sexy X. FINALLY! The message was a double but it was an important update. I’m not sure why she didn’t update me a lot sooner but it made sense. I don’t know. I was still feeling down. She surprised me by sending a picture later in the day and that made me super excited. She knows how to make me happy. :-)

After work I went to my friends house where we grilled some hotdogs and had chili cheese fries. I got the Nathan’s brand on MSX’s suggestion and they were very good. They were juicy and tasty and on sale but normally expensive. I think it’s very similar to the Angus Ballparks except the latter tends to have a tad bit of a spice or taste to it… I can’t explain that but can taste it.  I was stuffed. We watched the Boise State vs Oregon game. That game was PAINFUL to watch. BSU was just ramrodding Oregon but they couldn’t finish. They missed two field goals so after their first score they opted to run a two point conversion which worked wonderfully. There were a lot of fumbles in this game and a pick or two. Boise State would find a way to put Oregon in a great position instead of sealing the deal. Oregon, however, managed to find a way to fuck up every single time. They just kept shooting themselves in the foot. They didn’t even get a fucking first down until 3 minutes left in the 3rd quarter. What about their star running back LeGarrette Blount? He was sitting at negative yardage on about 8 carries. Does that name sound familiar? It might. He’s the one that promised an “ass whoopin” earlier in the week. He’s also the one that’s all over SportsCenter now. Not for his play… no he had a horrible negative 5 yards on carries for the game. It was his attitude afterwards where a Bronco linebacker (Byron Hout) gave Blount a sarcastic (taunting) pat on the back. Blount turned around and cold cocked him in the jaw dropping Hout out. What the hell? Then he was getting into fights with his teammates who were trying to calm him down. As he walked by the stands, the BSU fans jeered him and he turned around and almost went into the stands. He had to be pulled back and escorted by staff and cops. I swear he pushed a cop too. What class. His apology afterwords rang hollow. I hope he’s suspended the rest of the year.

There were some good plays in the NFL. Michael Vick can return by the 3rd week. He ran in a touchdown against the Jets. He also threw a pick. The Pittsburg Steelers’ new run specialist Stefan Logan ran one to the house yesterday. He’s already proving his value. I think he has potential for – dare I say - FOUR TD returns this season and major yardage on top of that. He’s small and fast and with our special teams making holes… it’s over!

I’m sure other things happened yesterday. There were two impressive one handed picks on the college level that you can find on SC’s top ten list. College ball officially kicked off with that game last night. Saturday is looking solid with a line up of Ohio State & Navy (really? Will the triple option and cuts hurt OSU?)  then the Georgia & Oklahoma State plays. After THAT, you can watch Brigham Young & Oklahoma and there’s even one more game – Alabama & Virginia Tech! The highlight reel will be smoking that night, I bet.

I’m trying to keep a positive outlook on things here. I don’t have a college team but I do love watching a good game. The weather is fine, not too hot nor too cold. I have a persistent cough that’s annoying the fuck outta me. Luckily, it seems I’ve stopped coughing up phlegm. Blah. I’m still a bit worried and I’m definitely lonely and I miss her so much. This is hard on me. What to do, what to do?

Here’s a GREAT sign that made me laugh during the Oregon/BSU game. It’s extremely appropriate given how badly the Ducks sucked it up.