I had a few rants and raves but I don’t care anymore. It’s all fucking whatever. I’m getting excited at moving. I’m planning my cross country trip. That’s still a huge hurdle but I don’t care. It could be the biggest mistake of my life but I won’t know until I try it. Fuck it, I’m going. :-) It’s a nice city and it’s near other major cities (I say near but a few hours minimum.)

I’m hoping my plan works out. Getting another job will be an issue I’m sure. I want to become a cop but I got a few ideas on jobs in the meantime. I think I’ll joing a gym and work on boxing type of activities. No serious training I don’t expect but I’d like to learn some juijitsu or something. The least I can do is weightlift.

There’s so many paths, who really knows? I just know I have to strike out on one of them and not sit at the crossroads any longer.

I’m still saddened a bit, I’ll start to tear up out of nowhere. I don’t fight it, it’ll go away after a few minutes. That’s how it goes.

One thing I still can’t figure out is what to eat. I need to cook something but I need a recipe book or something because I’m getting bored of eating bland meals. I need more time and money or at the very least my arm to heal up so it won’t be a pain in the ass.

Today… today is some more playoff games. The Vikings and Cowboys play in a few and the Jets and Chargers play. I’m going Vikings/Chargers in this one because that’s who I think will go to the Super Bowl. Thankfully the Cardinals had their asses taxed by the Saints because they’re a garbage team and I’m tired of the media talking them up. The Colts dismantled the Ravens… the ratbird’s offense just didn’t show up.

I’m tired and cranky. I want to fucking go. I feel like I’m on the edge of a dip in a roller coaster or a massive storm that is about to break. I’m holding my breath praying for a moment to breathe. I’ve felt like this since… what October? September? End of May?

My lunch is going to consist of a glass of water and a Sara Lee cinnamon raisin bagel with Philadelphia cream cheese. Simple and delicious. Every time I eat one, every time I have a Pepsi it reminds me. There’s no getting around that. I chuckle every time I bite into the top half first. I’m so dorky… it brings tears to my eyes. Ha. :-(

What brings me to this is seeing this guy lose 125lbs in under a year. I haven’t read through the blog because it would bore me but I’m sure there’s a great story there. http://www.344pounds.com/ The key is to have the proper mindset which he has. I always tell people that want to lose weight that it is easy – simply don’t eat! I’m dead serious but not realistic. You should eat some but I would severly restrict it so that your stomach shrinks and becomes accustomed to less. Drink lots of water – dump soda, coffee, and beer. Once you get down to where you want to be you can drink it all again. I drink on average 2 Pepsis a day and I’m underweight. I’m trying to gain weight. This surgery has made me hungry as hell. It’s actually helping counter the depression feeling of not wanting to eat. I’ve lost weight again (under 160… damn.) If I gain weight I want it to be muscle, I’m pretty lean right now so I don’t want it in the form of a gut. If you’re prepared to lose weight be sure to eat less and excercise. It’s pretty simple – burn off more calories than you take in. Once you get to being active you can eat more because your body burns more, you’ll feel energetic, and eat some healthy shit every now and then. I’m a meat and potatos kind of guy but I’ll throw down some veggies and fruits every now and then. I also take multivitamins once a day. Don’t give me the excuse of being “big boned” because you’re not… you’re fat and have no self control, no will power, and no shame apparently. Don’t give me a thyroid excuse either. Mindset is all I want from you that you CAN and WILL do what it takes.

This can be applied to many things. Right now I need to apply it to my relationships. It’s a work in progress. “I can’t” shouldn’t be in anyone’s vocabulary if the task is reasonable. I had a better rant before but this goddamned server took a shit for a few minutes and lost it. Oh well.

I went shooting out in the sticks with some friends. I guess my headphones didn’t do the best job as my ears ring a bit still. I “chopped” down a small tree with an AR15 and my Kimber .45ACP. It was fun but soooo fucking cold. I’m talking 10 degrees in this little holler. We shot water bottles and the water froze shortly after exploding. I was dressed for it but the fingers are always the weak point. I had chili which was WONDERFUL especially after freezing my ass off. That greasy goodness just hit that “hangover” craving perfectly and warmed me up. I smashed 3 bowls of it.

Now I’m chilling in bed after a short nap. I’ve got Munchos and Gatorade at my side. I wish I could shake this funk. I just feel empty. :-( I know what I’m missing. Ms. Sexy X called last night but I missed the call. I tried calling back right after but reception was shitty so I’m not sure if she heard it. It’s been almost 2 weeks now since I talked with her last. :-( It’s going straight to voicemail now. Ugh.

I don’t have any food in the house right now. I’m hungry but I don’t know what for. I might make a huge batch of mac and cheese. I think I’ll watch a movie.

I wish I had something more exciting for this post but to me it’s just another (shitty) day. I’m almost there, to my jumping off point. A few more days then it’s time to start arranging my move. I have to. I was thinking about that today passing through the hills where there’s trailers and dinky little houses with shit piled all around it. Perhaps that’s what they want but I assume they got stuck with the situation and never tried to improve it. I plan giving it my all so I never end up like that. I wouldn’t mind a house in the woods, not at all. But these are on little plots that looks like someone squatted there long ago.

Yesterday was much easier but not entirely better. The lack of sleep wasn’t fun. I was busy at work all day when my boss sprung a surprise project on me. We were horribly understaffed until 1PM. It’s alright as I went on a 3 hour lunch at 12 so that I could watch UK beat UNC. John Wall dominated the first half only to come out in the second with bad cramps. We had a commanding lead that just shrivelled up. I don’t feel like breaking down the game but suffice it to say we need to work on free throws bad and learn to kick the ball out to our perimeter when they double down the big guys.

I went back to work for just an hour before leaving to go over to a friend’s to watch the SEC Championship game. Alabama beat Florida… well destroyed is a better word. I was happy. Tebow is good and all but he doesn’t make me a bandwagon Florida fan like a lot of people seem to be doing. I don’t really have a college football team but I’ll stick with USC for a few reasons. (That’d be SoCal and NOT SoCar.)

After that we made some delicious burgers. They’re at least a quarter pound each. I had two which was a HUGE mistake. I was sooooo full. Ms. Sexy X called me and talked for about 20 minutes which was great. Unfortunately I was at a friend’s and at the very end I felt like throwing up. She sounded wonderful though and that was the highlight of my day for sure. I think she misses me but I know she won’t say. She’s set her mind for the moment so maybe one day she will but I just have to wait. :-( I get where she’s coming from when she does that but I wish she’d open up to me again. Afterall, it’s just us. I’ll wait for her… I love her. :-)

So I almost threw up. I was in the bathroom for a good bit, I walked around outside in the BRISK 20 degree weather to help. I stood for the first part of the Ultimate Fighter.

The whole card was actually entertaining. I was disappointed with Matt beating Marcus. Matt is such an idiot saying they both have “retard strength” on live TV. Really? I laughed at how stupid he could be. McSweeney beat Schoonover which I did want. Hamill beat Jones though Hamill got beat down so badly. Jones got DQ’d for illegal vertical elbow drops to the face. I never heard of them doing a DQ… wouldn’t it be a NC? Interesting. Jones should have won but the ref wouldn’t call it. Kimbo Slice beat Houston Alexander (who has an uncanny resemblence to the rapper Common.) The first round was completely boring with Houston literally dancing around the ring for the whole fucking thing. The second round started the same way with weak leg kicks to Kimbo’s bad knee. Not a bad game plan but put some power behind that shit. Kimbo slammed him down a few times and dominated the second round. The third round they were both tired and there were some takedowns and punches exchanged but it was slow and went to the bell where they both were exhausted. By unanimous decision Kimbo won which I agree with. Now given his age and bad knee… I can see him fighting a few more times but I certainly don’t expect him to last. The last fight featured Brenden Shaub and Roy Nelson. Guess who fucking won? Yeah the fatass did. I do give him credit, he actually put up a much better fight this time. Clearly Shaub needed to stay on his feet which he figured out after shoving that lardass off of him with one hand (WOW!) They were trading licks after that. Nelson gets gassed quick so dancing around to the second round would have worked but instead they exchange punches again except this time Nelson catches Shaub with a HUGE right hook to the ear which puts him to sleep. He punched him once more on the ground but Shaub was dazed and the ref stepped in to signal the knockout. Am I disappointed? You bet but oh well.

Chuck Lidell and Tito Ortiz are the next coaches for the middleweight TUF. Why the washed up Chuck? I guess he gets ratings and is friends with Dana. I wanted to see Georges St. Pierre coach. This next Saturday is a huge fight card in UFC  107. I’ll watch for sure.

I went home after that as my stomach was still iffy. This morning I feel fine (knock on wood.) I wish I could have talked longer with her. I probably won’t hear from her again for another week if not two weeks. That sucks. :-(

It’s been a week now since I heard from Ms. Sexy X. Again, I don’t expect to hear from her for quite a while… perhaps exactly a month from today. It sucks big time. I’m hoping she will at least drop a text or two like she did last Thursday, that always helps.

I made some lasagna. I was playing around with the sauce and added a bit too much garlic and spices. It’s good, don’t get me wrong, just strong. It took me a hour and a half to make, I had to rush it because it needed to go in the crockpot for 3.5 hours and I had to go by then so I went 3 hours and it came out fine. It appears I could have gone less, probably 2.5 hours.

I’m feeling kind of blank right now. I just woke up not too long ago and fell back asleep for a short nap. When I do that and I’m all warm like this I tend to dream. It was a great dream though, it was about my Ms. Sexy X and our first kiss. It lasted forever, I didn’t want to stop. Sigh.

I’m just going to be lazy. I’ll eat breakfast and shower, I have to. But then I’ll lay in bed. Fuck all.

That’s the big thought on my mind today. I tried going biking today but the bike is broke so I opted out. I wasn’t too keen on doing that but I figured why not… oh well. I did do a workout after I ate Taco Bell… love the food but definitely never the smartest idea to do that. Right now I’m drinking a Pepsi to help settle my stomach. Speaking of Taco Bell, their new Nacho Crunch burrito is awesome. It’s expensive at $1.99 but it’s a welcome break from the Burrito Supreme which they jacked the price up on.

I’m also helping my brother move a little, I figured it’d give me a distraction. I watched the Bungles beat the Browns. I still can’t believe the Steelers lost to them last week. They’ll beat the Chargers tonight at 8PM. Too bad Polamalu is out again as I can’t wait until he’s back. The Patriots beat the Ravens, I called that upset though it was just barely and I still think the Ravens are the better team there. I didn’t expect the Redskins to win nor Jacksonville. Interesting.

I’m tired at the moment. I think I’ll go up on the roof and think. Yeah, it’s slightly cold and there’s a cool breeze. I don’t care. The clouds mask the sunset but I’ll watch regardless.

I need help and the only one that can help me hasn’t talked to me in 16 days. That suuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks like you wouldn’t believe. Things will get better, they have to.

After work I headed over to Old Chicago and watched most of the OSU/USC game. Surprisingly, Ohio State was keeping up with the Trojans and in fact had the lead after a field goal and safety. I had some delicious pizza (pepperoni/mushroom/green pepper) and was working on the World Beer Tour. Unfortunately, every single one I had was nasty as shit. One was Franziskaner, Ayinger, Warsteiner, and St. Pauli’s Girl. I had to chug each one because they tasted awful to me. The waiter started to pour the first one for me, saying it needed to be poured halfway first, mix it, and pour the rest because “it’s unfiltered.” I’m not a beer maker so I don’t know what that means. I bet there is just extra unfermented yeast in there. Still, I was pissed because he spilled beer by foaming it out and I don’t want anyone pouring a beer for me unless it’s from a tap. I’d prefer to do that myself too but you can’t really go behind a bar out of the blue. :-( I think they’re all hefeweizen which is a wheat beer and I hate wheat beers so I knew they’d all suck ass. Oh well.

We went back to a friend’s apartment where we watched the rest of the game. You could see that USC was on a scoring drive… I don’t care for OSU but I hate USC so I wanted to see the former win. Oh well. It’s like Notre Dame and Michigan, I don’t like Michigan but I really don’t like ND so seeing the latter lose was fine by me. The worst of two evils, you know?

I tossed a foam football around for a while and played 3 games of pong and lost each. We were all tired so we called it a night. I went home and decided to call Ms. Sexy X. Well to my surprise I get an answer. Mind you it’s 2AM here. I’m super excited. We talk for close to an hour, we just got started and then the phone cut off. WHAT THE FUCK?? The reason I’ve been getting voicemail so much is that where she is at right now is spotty coverage. That’s sort of a relief in some ways but it really sucks. I tried for 2 hours afterwards. I didn’t go to bed until 6AM. For an hour and a half I’d sometimes get through and she’d answer but you couldn’t hear anything. Once she managed to call me but it was the same result. I was super sad but finally gave up.

Now I’m left with mixed emotions. We barely got to talk, I have a ton of things to say and we were just cut off. Fuck. I don’t know. I’m hoping she calls back today. I’ve already tried calling a few minutes ago and it went straight to voicemail. Sigh.

That’s obviously GUINNESS! Nothing is so smooth and tasty. I don’t care for the 250th Anniversary edition nor the Extra Stout. Just plain ol’ Draught is where it’s at for me. I can’t wait to taste it in Ireland, fresh from the brewery. I hear there’s absolutely nothing like it. YUMMY!

After Guinness, it’s a tough pick. I’ve tasted some other stouts and liked them but Guinness is my first pick. For ales I’d go with Newcastle Brown Ale for sure. That’s a tough call because Smithwick’s is downright delicious, it tastes like the ale version of Guinness. I might have to leave that as a tie. Bass is alright, I’ll leave that for a Black and Tan. The former two make for a good Black and Brown and BlackSmith when topped with Guinness, respectively. For lagers I’d go with Harp and then Killian’s. Again, that might be a tough call, you can’t go wrong with either. There’s different names but I just call those two Half and Half  and a Black and Red again when topped with Guinness, respectively. I like the Dos Equis Amber and Amber Bock. For a cheaper domestic beer I usually get a Miller Lite. Personally, I found I’d much rather pay a little more for a proper beer but I’ve drank anything and everything if it comes down to it, especially if it’s free. The one swill I can’t stand (though I’ve drank plenty of) is Bud Light.

A word on creating the black and tans or half and halfs… please don’t mix them. I about slapped someone that did that. It just isn’t proper, for one why would you even want to dilute down that precious Guinness? Secondly, it foams the stuff up and gives it a bad taste. I’ve since gotten him to stop. I’ve found that using a spoon and a slow pour is the easiest way to cascade the Guinness on top. I don’t really create these drinks because I find I much rather drink a Guinness straight. :-)

I guess you noticed my affinity for the Irish beers. I found I love them best. I guess it helps that I’m half Irish, half German.

I’ve tried many types of beers now through Old Chicago’s World Beer Tour. It’s expensive but fun. They have a helluva good pizza there too. I highly recommend them. I’ve had my share of problems but I know the store manager at my local one and she is excellent.

I need to take my darling there. She hasn’t been and I know she’d enjoy it.

The Georgia Tech/Clemson game looked good. GT ran a train with the deadly triple option but then choked and Clemson came back. GT barely pulled that shit out for the win by a field goal. I wish I saw the game but NFL takes precedence for me.

The question that’s floating around is if Troy Polamalu’s injury is half of the “Madden Curse” since he and Larry Fitzgerald were on the cover of this year’s game. I think it’s silly because this is football and everyone gets injured. To top it off, the human missle gets that nickname from me because he plays no holds barred smash mouth football. He gets in on blitzes, run defense, and drops back into zone and breaks up all sorts of plays with hard hits. He’s bound to get shaken up. It sucks that he got hurt on a simple grab for a ball but that’s how it goes sometimes. He should be good in a few weeks I think.

I left the place at halftime and came home to watch the rest. I honestly don’t remember how I spent the rest of the night after the game. I talked with someone for a while, cleaned up for bed, and I guess I just watched SportsCenter as well as typed up some emails and drafts for here. I was feeling slightly better but I’m still sad.

This morning I was so-so. By lunchtime it was hitting hard. I won’t butter it up, it’s depression. I’m trying not to feel it, right now I’m in a bummy mood and I shouldn’t be. I just feel so empty, I don’t feel like eating and I just feel so… empty. :-( I haven’t talked with her in 11 days now. I have heard from her in other ways as recently as 4-5 days ago via a text. But that’s hard to get nothing but silence. It ain’t her fault, nosiree. I just feel sad and there isn’t much I can do about it. I’m trying to buck up. I will. Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe she’ll call, maybe she’ll say the word. If nothing else, I’ll go watch the OSU/USC game with a friend. Blah.

Tonight… I have no idea. I’m going to try to call her. I don’t expect to get an answer unfortunately. But at least I can try. My friends mentioned drinking but I don’t feel like it, especially when depressed as it makes it worse for me.

I know, I know… three fucking posts in one day? These posts help alleviate the feeling, this is a therapy for me.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, bllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. That’s how I feel. I’m just awwwesome I think. Fuck it, fuck y’all, fuck everything. Mmm, that made me feel a little bit better. Ha.

Tonight is a big night for me. Well, it’s supposed to be anyways. With my mood being down, who knows? At 8:30PM EST the Tennessee Titans travel to Heinz Field to take on the Super Bowl Champions – the Pittsburgh Steelers!! Yeah, we lost to them in the 16th game last year but I still say that game didn’t matter. True, it was for home field advantage but in the end they got beat so it didn’t matter and I think it was more important for the Steelers to keep their guys healthy.

My sleep last night sucked. I woke up every two hours almost on the dot. Why? I don’t know. That means I did have a dream at least one I can remember. I jumped in a river to grab a drowning dog and I came out with a bunch of leeches on me. Then I had to pick the bastards off and it hurt. That was the extent of the dream. What the fuck?

Each time I woke up I checked my phone on the off chance that she left a message. Of course none ever came. I don’t know. There’s my least favorite three words. No se. No fucking se.

I went to Old Chicago last night for the kick off of the Oktoberfest mini tour. They had brauts, some sort of meatball thing, chocolate cake with coconut on top (which I scraped off,) and potato salad. The food was decent… hey it was free. I drank a Spaten and Sam Adams Oktoberfest beers. I then had a Beck’s which wasn’t too good. The last beer I don’t even know the name, it wasn’t even pronounced close to how it was spelled. It was alright. I stayed for an hour and a half. I went alone which sucks but my friend backed out. I did talk with some old guy for quite a while, he was telling me about Europe and how he was stationed in Germany for 3 years in the Army. It was pretty neat. But I had a feeling creeping inside so I left. I came home and watched a movie and then broke down and cried in a few spats for just a few minutes. I try so hard not to but it just catches up with me. Blah, fuck it all. I don’t even like typing that out because then I can’t deny that it happened. Sigh…