I went shooting out in the sticks with some friends. I guess my headphones didn’t do the best job as my ears ring a bit still. I “chopped” down a small tree with an AR15 and my Kimber .45ACP. It was fun but soooo fucking cold. I’m talking 10 degrees in this little holler. We shot water bottles and the water froze shortly after exploding. I was dressed for it but the fingers are always the weak point. I had chili which was WONDERFUL especially after freezing my ass off. That greasy goodness just hit that “hangover” craving perfectly and warmed me up. I smashed 3 bowls of it.

Now I’m chilling in bed after a short nap. I’ve got Munchos and Gatorade at my side. I wish I could shake this funk. I just feel empty. :-( I know what I’m missing. Ms. Sexy X called last night but I missed the call. I tried calling back right after but reception was shitty so I’m not sure if she heard it. It’s been almost 2 weeks now since I talked with her last. :-( It’s going straight to voicemail now. Ugh.

I don’t have any food in the house right now. I’m hungry but I don’t know what for. I might make a huge batch of mac and cheese. I think I’ll watch a movie.

I wish I had something more exciting for this post but to me it’s just another (shitty) day. I’m almost there, to my jumping off point. A few more days then it’s time to start arranging my move. I have to. I was thinking about that today passing through the hills where there’s trailers and dinky little houses with shit piled all around it. Perhaps that’s what they want but I assume they got stuck with the situation and never tried to improve it. I plan giving it my all so I never end up like that. I wouldn’t mind a house in the woods, not at all. But these are on little plots that looks like someone squatted there long ago.

That’s not the only thing though. (Oh wow, I just had a burp that tasted like a beer… almost 24 hours later. Weird.) Where was I? Ah yes. I’ve been feeling down all day like something bad is about to happen. I’m not sure what but it has me depressed.

I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m going to move but I don’t know what will happen thereafter. Am I afraid? Strangely, no. I have to get out of this place, I’m going nuts. I need something. Will I stay where I go? I hope so but I can’t say with any certainty. It’s a big move. I have to get closer to MSX. This is what *I* want. I’m doing it for me and hopefully for her. If not, oh well, this is what I want to do. I never mean to discredit her opinion but I know I put her in an awkward position of making it feel like she is making me do this. Hell no, I’ve been thinking about moving forever and now is the time. I don’t care if she’ll be gone for a while by the time I get there. She will be back. I must be with her. Sigh. The anxiety will come, there IS some fear there but for the moment I’m good. Will she be there when I get there? How will things go? What about my job? There’s mounds of what-ifs but I’m just saying “fuck it” and doing it. I won’t let life pass me by, I’m going after what I want.

My boss told me yesterday I have good leadership skills. I can see that but I’ve never really been in that position before. I don’t want to lead, that’s not my style, but if I’m stuck in the position I will do it. I haven’t really thought about it beyond that. What I was thinking mostly of today was where am I going? What do I want to do? What do I love that would make for a good job?

I love guns. I love the beauty of them and the mechanics and the physics. I like figuring out how machines work. I like football. I like video games. Can any of those be made into a useful skill? I don’t know. That’s what I’ve been pondering all day. That and I’ve been thinking about MSX, things that should be and other stuff. I was a little worried about her again. Sigh. Why do I have to be so stupid at times? And why does life have to throw such curveballs?

I’m tired, I’m cranky, I’m sad. That’s the wrap up of my day. Like most people except I have a private blog to bitch on. Fuck off!

The only downside to this tour is having to drink wheat beers which I can’t stand especially hefeweizen crap. Yuck.

My sleep was kind of spotty this morning but overall it wasn’t too bad. My dad stopped by to paint. I was going to help him but my PC decided to kill over and die. The power supply was going and it finally quit today. I’ve been contacting the manufacturer, it looks like I’ll send in the old unit and pay for a new, it’s cheaper than buying retail. One interesting way to test is to short the 20 pin connector with a paper clip, unplugging it all obviously and connecting pins 16&17. It powered on for a split second and died.

I ate lunch with my dad at Old Chicago. I finished the Oktoberfest mini tour. The Bluegrass Brewing Company has a good Oktoberfest brew out of Louisville, I was pleasantly surprised.

Today I’m feeling kind of pissy given the thing from last night and I don’t know. I’m hoping Ms. Sexy X calls today though I don’t expect it.

NCIS season 7 starts tonight which I’m excited about. The LA version also shows thereafter but I think LL Cool J is an idiot and I wasn’t impressed by the “new” show when they had their 2 episodes last season. We’ll see.

I’m actually feeling pissed at life in general. I feel like I’m stuck in a bog and I’m just waiting. :-(

After work I headed over to Old Chicago and watched most of the OSU/USC game. Surprisingly, Ohio State was keeping up with the Trojans and in fact had the lead after a field goal and safety. I had some delicious pizza (pepperoni/mushroom/green pepper) and was working on the World Beer Tour. Unfortunately, every single one I had was nasty as shit. One was Franziskaner, Ayinger, Warsteiner, and St. Pauli’s Girl. I had to chug each one because they tasted awful to me. The waiter started to pour the first one for me, saying it needed to be poured halfway first, mix it, and pour the rest because “it’s unfiltered.” I’m not a beer maker so I don’t know what that means. I bet there is just extra unfermented yeast in there. Still, I was pissed because he spilled beer by foaming it out and I don’t want anyone pouring a beer for me unless it’s from a tap. I’d prefer to do that myself too but you can’t really go behind a bar out of the blue. :-( I think they’re all hefeweizen which is a wheat beer and I hate wheat beers so I knew they’d all suck ass. Oh well.

We went back to a friend’s apartment where we watched the rest of the game. You could see that USC was on a scoring drive… I don’t care for OSU but I hate USC so I wanted to see the former win. Oh well. It’s like Notre Dame and Michigan, I don’t like Michigan but I really don’t like ND so seeing the latter lose was fine by me. The worst of two evils, you know?

I tossed a foam football around for a while and played 3 games of pong and lost each. We were all tired so we called it a night. I went home and decided to call Ms. Sexy X. Well to my surprise I get an answer. Mind you it’s 2AM here. I’m super excited. We talk for close to an hour, we just got started and then the phone cut off. WHAT THE FUCK?? The reason I’ve been getting voicemail so much is that where she is at right now is spotty coverage. That’s sort of a relief in some ways but it really sucks. I tried for 2 hours afterwards. I didn’t go to bed until 6AM. For an hour and a half I’d sometimes get through and she’d answer but you couldn’t hear anything. Once she managed to call me but it was the same result. I was super sad but finally gave up.

Now I’m left with mixed emotions. We barely got to talk, I have a ton of things to say and we were just cut off. Fuck. I don’t know. I’m hoping she calls back today. I’ve already tried calling a few minutes ago and it went straight to voicemail. Sigh.

That’s obviously GUINNESS! Nothing is so smooth and tasty. I don’t care for the 250th Anniversary edition nor the Extra Stout. Just plain ol’ Draught is where it’s at for me. I can’t wait to taste it in Ireland, fresh from the brewery. I hear there’s absolutely nothing like it. YUMMY!

After Guinness, it’s a tough pick. I’ve tasted some other stouts and liked them but Guinness is my first pick. For ales I’d go with Newcastle Brown Ale for sure. That’s a tough call because Smithwick’s is downright delicious, it tastes like the ale version of Guinness. I might have to leave that as a tie. Bass is alright, I’ll leave that for a Black and Tan. The former two make for a good Black and Brown and BlackSmith when topped with Guinness, respectively. For lagers I’d go with Harp and then Killian’s. Again, that might be a tough call, you can’t go wrong with either. There’s different names but I just call those two Half and Half  and a Black and Red again when topped with Guinness, respectively. I like the Dos Equis Amber and Amber Bock. For a cheaper domestic beer I usually get a Miller Lite. Personally, I found I’d much rather pay a little more for a proper beer but I’ve drank anything and everything if it comes down to it, especially if it’s free. The one swill I can’t stand (though I’ve drank plenty of) is Bud Light.

A word on creating the black and tans or half and halfs… please don’t mix them. I about slapped someone that did that. It just isn’t proper, for one why would you even want to dilute down that precious Guinness? Secondly, it foams the stuff up and gives it a bad taste. I’ve since gotten him to stop. I’ve found that using a spoon and a slow pour is the easiest way to cascade the Guinness on top. I don’t really create these drinks because I find I much rather drink a Guinness straight. :-)

I guess you noticed my affinity for the Irish beers. I found I love them best. I guess it helps that I’m half Irish, half German.

I’ve tried many types of beers now through Old Chicago’s World Beer Tour. It’s expensive but fun. They have a helluva good pizza there too. I highly recommend them. I’ve had my share of problems but I know the store manager at my local one and she is excellent.

I need to take my darling there. She hasn’t been and I know she’d enjoy it.

The Georgia Tech/Clemson game looked good. GT ran a train with the deadly triple option but then choked and Clemson came back. GT barely pulled that shit out for the win by a field goal. I wish I saw the game but NFL takes precedence for me.

The question that’s floating around is if Troy Polamalu’s injury is half of the “Madden Curse” since he and Larry Fitzgerald were on the cover of this year’s game. I think it’s silly because this is football and everyone gets injured. To top it off, the human missle gets that nickname from me because he plays no holds barred smash mouth football. He gets in on blitzes, run defense, and drops back into zone and breaks up all sorts of plays with hard hits. He’s bound to get shaken up. It sucks that he got hurt on a simple grab for a ball but that’s how it goes sometimes. He should be good in a few weeks I think.

I left the place at halftime and came home to watch the rest. I honestly don’t remember how I spent the rest of the night after the game. I talked with someone for a while, cleaned up for bed, and I guess I just watched SportsCenter as well as typed up some emails and drafts for here. I was feeling slightly better but I’m still sad.

This morning I was so-so. By lunchtime it was hitting hard. I won’t butter it up, it’s depression. I’m trying not to feel it, right now I’m in a bummy mood and I shouldn’t be. I just feel so empty, I don’t feel like eating and I just feel so… empty. :-( I haven’t talked with her in 11 days now. I have heard from her in other ways as recently as 4-5 days ago via a text. But that’s hard to get nothing but silence. It ain’t her fault, nosiree. I just feel sad and there isn’t much I can do about it. I’m trying to buck up. I will. Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe she’ll call, maybe she’ll say the word. If nothing else, I’ll go watch the OSU/USC game with a friend. Blah.

Tonight… I have no idea. I’m going to try to call her. I don’t expect to get an answer unfortunately. But at least I can try. My friends mentioned drinking but I don’t feel like it, especially when depressed as it makes it worse for me.

I know, I know… three fucking posts in one day? These posts help alleviate the feeling, this is a therapy for me.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, bllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. That’s how I feel. I’m just awwwesome I think. Fuck it, fuck y’all, fuck everything. Mmm, that made me feel a little bit better. Ha.

Tonight is a big night for me. Well, it’s supposed to be anyways. With my mood being down, who knows? At 8:30PM EST the Tennessee Titans travel to Heinz Field to take on the Super Bowl Champions – the Pittsburgh Steelers!! Yeah, we lost to them in the 16th game last year but I still say that game didn’t matter. True, it was for home field advantage but in the end they got beat so it didn’t matter and I think it was more important for the Steelers to keep their guys healthy.

My sleep last night sucked. I woke up every two hours almost on the dot. Why? I don’t know. That means I did have a dream at least one I can remember. I jumped in a river to grab a drowning dog and I came out with a bunch of leeches on me. Then I had to pick the bastards off and it hurt. That was the extent of the dream. What the fuck?

Each time I woke up I checked my phone on the off chance that she left a message. Of course none ever came. I don’t know. There’s my least favorite three words. No se. No fucking se.

I went to Old Chicago last night for the kick off of the Oktoberfest mini tour. They had brauts, some sort of meatball thing, chocolate cake with coconut on top (which I scraped off,) and potato salad. The food was decent… hey it was free. I drank a Spaten and Sam Adams Oktoberfest beers. I then had a Beck’s which wasn’t too good. The last beer I don’t even know the name, it wasn’t even pronounced close to how it was spelled. It was alright. I stayed for an hour and a half. I went alone which sucks but my friend backed out. I did talk with some old guy for quite a while, he was telling me about Europe and how he was stationed in Germany for 3 years in the Army. It was pretty neat. But I had a feeling creeping inside so I left. I came home and watched a movie and then broke down and cried in a few spats for just a few minutes. I try so hard not to but it just catches up with me. Blah, fuck it all. I don’t even like typing that out because then I can’t deny that it happened. Sigh…

I’ll get to the luck thing in a minute. Let me start off by saying that I haven’t had chest pains since whenever I posted about it last (not counting the other day but it was a different pain and not stress related I don’t think. Maybe indigestion?? I don’t know.) I also haven’t cried since… maybe Sunday but Saturday for sure. That’s a good thing of sorts. I’m a guy and naturally I don’t care to cry even in private. It’s most definitely a pride thing and I think most people in general - man or woman - would agree. I feel good in some respects like I’m not down but then how could I not be? It’ll be back I’m sure but I’m enjoying the serenity of the moment for now. Oh, I miss her every fucking second of every fucking day. I lament as to why I can’t be with her now. Blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine. Yeah, tell me about it as if I don’t fucking know already. But as this is my blog I’ll do whatever the hell I want. ;-) The point of it is for me so hush!

Work was short yesterday. I had my share of problems and I was busy the whole night. It sucked because I planned on taking a huge break and leaving early. That so didn’t happen. I didn’t get the last break (not that I was supposed to) nor could I sneak out early. It was just one person after another. One lady had scanned so many pictures in by the time I got there and the machine reset randomly so she lost the whole order. I laughed because I couldn’t help it. The lady was very good natured about it and was laughing too so it’s not like I’m just a jackass. (HUSH! :-D) She rescanned 80 of them and submitted them except she did it wrong and only got 1 print. At that point in the night I’m closing down and I surely laughed again. Poor woman, now THAT is the bad luck I’m referring too. I have my own set of “bad luck” but I guess I just spread that pain around. :-S We laughed about it and that was the highlight of my night, but I use the word “highlight” carefully here because I don’t want to see someone’s time wasted so absurdly like that.

After work I went to eat at a bar type place. Their menu reflected bar pricing on drinks and food which is to say it’s crazy expensive. The sandwich was $10 and alright but surely not worth that much. The beer was Guinness which is always delicious. I had a Young’s Double Chocolate Stout which was positively horrible. To me it tried imitating an Irish Car Bomb but fails and leaves me with a bad aftertaste, almost like the Jameson whiskey. That could be good or bad depending on how you like that. I’m not opposed to whiskey flavor but something wasn’t right here. I also had a “Black Barrel” as they called it. It’s a Black and Tan, the tan portion being “Kentucky Bourbon Ale.” If you’ve never had that, that shit is stout. I guess they let the ale finish fermenting in used whiskey barrels which adds flavor and alcohol to it (I think.) That was an interesting drink. All that shit cost me way too much but I was just trying to give my self a night off to have fun. It was though it made me miss my Ms. Sexy X even moreso.

Anyhow, I finished off the book and just sat outside taking it in. I always have one thought on my mind and that’s of my Ms. Sexy X. I’m sad that I’m not with her but I was happy just because I’m so lucky to have her. She’s my everything. I cleaned up and went to work. No chest pains kicking in yet… just a slight feeling.

At work I bullshitted around for a few hours. I don’t even remember really. I got pissed at one customer who walked around me to look at something and then backed up into me (ever so lightly) and turned around without looking at me and says “excuse you.” Now I said “excuse me” just being polite even though I had been standing there. She said it almost as if she meant to say “excuse me” but I clearly heard “you.” I was instantly pissed. What the hell? I told my coworker to follow me because I’m pissed and am liable to get angrier if that woman was going to say something more but she didn’t and I didn’t give her the chance.

I was trying to loosen something up with a rubber mallet and slipped and ended up smashing my index finger. It hurt for a second but wasn’t too bad. It didn’t take long to realize I broke some blood vessels so now it’s a tad sensitive. Damn.

A bit before lunch I could feel the chest pain creeping back. It wasn’t as bad as yesterday but I could feel the “pressure” building. I just kept breathing and thinking happy thoughts and refused to pop an aspirin. That seemed to have worked. It’s been dull the rest of the day. It’s all in my mind, there’s no doubt about that. I can’t let the stress get to me, that’s not healthy. I did get pissy for one second when the phone rang and I was in the middle of a daydream about my darling. Who would dare interfere, right? Haha! Whatever.

I finally got home and cracked a brew and sat on the back deck. The sun was all but set but I still enjoyed it. I like the Dos Equis Amber, it’s pretty tasty. It’s not my favorite beer but I was in the mood for it when I got it and right then. My favorite beer? You’ll find out later. I’ll make a post just on that, I know for sure.

My supper consisted of a large apple and a bagel. It’s healthy and I’m not that hungry.

Tonight I’m just going to watch a movie or something. I’ll relax and go to sleep thinking of her. It’d almost be a perfect day, if only I had her.