When night falls in I start to get depressed especially since I have no friends that want to do anything anymore. They’re all wrapped up in their own lives. I need to find new friends. I sit at home and I don’t feel like going on the internet, I don’t feel like watching TV, and ever since I’ve been single I’ve had nothing to look forward to once I woke up in the morning, worked through the day, and got off at night. I don’t feel like working out. I’m just floating by in this world and that sucks. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I do have some things I would like to get done.

The morning usually brings happier times as I have the whole day to look forward to. I do admit at times it’s even harder than at night - when I don’t get sleep and the day just seems like a mere extension of the night. I hate those mornings. Luckily my night sleep has gotten somewhat better as of late which means my mornings are good.

I really don’t know what I want out of life. I want to be happy, this I know for sure. It’s the “how-to” part I’m having trouble with. I’m sort of happy now but I’m missing something or someone which means I’m not where I want to be. Does that make sense? In any case, tomorrow is a new day and with it comes a chance for refreshed hopes and dreams. :)

I did read the books. The first was the best. The second was good but it didn’t really get around to anything but it introduced a lot. Nothing happened in the third and the fourth was good but it was quite a tidy ending. I was looking forward to some wrench to be thrown in but it was a fairy tale ending. I suppose it is a fairy tale so it fits. I’m not disappointed. I read all of them in a matter of a few days. It would have been less but I’m on vacation and just left it to early morning when I wake up so fucking early that I’ve got nothing to do and at night as well.

Sadly, I can relate to Edward. The pain, the confusion, the love. He’s a romantic and old fashioned. That’s how I feel many times over. Ms. Sexy X likes it and compared me to him. I don’t mind. I see her as my Bella of sorts as well… super stubborn. Don’t you know it drives me crazy but I LOVE it?

I like the idea of good vampires and all but the story was just a tad too neat. Plus the werewolf/shapeshifters storyline was good but then it also fell too neatly into place at the end. If you like fairy tale endings this is one for you.

The only thing that bugged me was the fact that their coven had super powers throughout most all of them. I can see the Volturi’s since they sort of handpick vampires but the Cullen clan was supposed to be random. Yet the Volturi were seriously outnumbered in that prospect. It also sucks that they didn’t battle.

The other thing that got to me was Bella and her powers. Of course she has powers and of course it’s a mind thing. Why does this remind me of the Vampire Chronicles anyone? She seems like a Sookie Stackhouse ripoff if you ask me. The sex was better in those books too. I suppose it’s a different readership but still.

This song is a good one for summing up how I feel for my Ms. Sexy X. It makes me smile.

I need smiling right now. I don’t think a call is coming tonight. I have no idea when the next one will be and that scares me shitless. I haven’t gotten an email or text either. Anything – and I mean anything – would help sate this anxious feeling I have. I’m so fucking worried for her. What if something happens to her or her parents? Would they contact me? I believe they would but I could easily be forgotten in the confusion. I care about her parents too. From what she’s told me and from knowing her and from talking with her mom a little bit I know they’re GREAT folks, folks I’d love to be around. Her parents love her deeply and she loves them. :-) I wish all this shit with “the situation” never happened. Life would be going perfectly right now. It threw such a fucking wrench into things. We should all be hanging out right now actually. I had planned on meeting them by now with her as we spent some time out there. It’s like life just squatted and took a huge shit on me. Not just me, no. Even more so on my beautiful Ms. Sexy X. That pisses me off more as I’d rather take the worst of it anytime and spare her any pain. I swear we had the perfect storm of shittyness descend. Fuck.

As you can probably guess, my depression worsened a little today. Today has been stressful. I have been hoping on a call all day knowing that I might not get one. There is a slight possibility I get one tonight but I just can’t get my hopes up this late at night.

My appetite has quelled some and that’s never a good sign. However, this day has sucked so I’m writing it off to that. I’m sure I’ll feel hungry tomorrow.

I just don’t know what to do with my time. I finished reading the Southern Vampire Mysteries. Book ten isn’t released until late fall. I love this series and it kept me hooked. That was eating up all my extra free time for the past week. I was hoping she’d say the word by now. I’d fucking do anything to get to her if she’d say that word.

I’m afraid to stop typing here because that’s going to leave me alone with my thoughts which is dangerous. She will contact me soon, I just don’t know when but I do know her.

I love you, my Ms. SEXY X. I wish you were here.

I haven’t cried since last week. I also haven’t received one bit of communication from Ms. Sexy X in a week (well by midnight tonight that is.) It’s very hard. I was hoping she could throw a simple text or email my way if not a call. The situation is… delicate so I understand her not being able to. It still pangs me though. I feel like crying, I can feel the pressure building. I haven’t had chest pains in a week or more? I still have high blood pressure, I can feel that spike from time to time but it’s generally low so I’m not too worried about that. My eyes were moist last night as I lay in bed alone and they were moist right after I woke up. I’m very sad but strangely enough I didn’t break down and cry. It’s as if all my feelings were in that little bit of wetness around my tear ducts. Like I didn’t need to spill any more of it because the point had gotten across clearly.

I’m sitting on the back deck working on the fifth book of the Sookie Stackhouse Series. (Say that alliteration 5 times fast!) As usual I position myself facing the west. There is method behind the madness. I long to go west. It’s getting warmer now, 80s it feels like. The air is starting to get thicker with humidity. I don’t care. I just want to be out here where I can hear the birds and smell the breeze. I want to do that with my girlfriend so bad, just lay out here and relax… taking in the world and each other with our senses.

I might write up some reviews of the books. I’m not too good at reviewing things. I tend to be overly critical and I just can’t find the words. Some people are good at that… I mean extremely good. They know who they are even if they pretend to be modest about it.

I was hoping maybe she’d call in the next two hours but I doubt that. I was debating whether to hold out a little hope that I’d get a call tonight like last week but I seriously doubt that one… so I won’t even pretend. This sucks. I feel crushed and sad and there’s not a thing I can do about it. I hate being on the outside, so far away. Whoa, was that TWO Staind references rolled into one? Neither one was intended. Blah. Where was I? Oh yes, I feel helpless in my predicament. I have an option but it isn’t valid, not until she says the word. I hate this feeling. I feel protective and so extremely helpless that it makes me feel worthless. I don’t think she could possibly understand. Actually, I do but now isn’t the time to hash that one out.

Are there other men out there that feel that way? I’m sure. None that will ever read this.

I spent most of the day reading the Southern Vampire Mysteries or as it’s otherwise called “the Sookie Stackhouse Novels.” That’s the books the show True Blood is based off of. So far the show has followed the first book pretty darned close. I’m only halfway through, I expect to finish tomorrow.

I also ran an errand that I won’t say just yet because it’s something special for my Ms. Sexy X and I wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise. She doesn’t read this blog but in case I let her in on it, I wouldn’t want to ruin it. I’ll make a draft of it so I can post it at a later date when the timing is right. I made 2 Target runs today. There’s two in my town so I went to both. I got two shirts for 8 bucks, some chocolate, some cheese, and Crest White Strips. I’m going to end up with enough to last me for years which is what I want. Get them now while I can – cheap. I have my ways. ;-)

I also did some laundry and cleaned the kitchen. The kitchen is still a mess because there’s some remodeling going on but the dishes are clean and most of the countertops/table is clean. The floor is gone beyond salvagable but that’s part of the remodel so it doesn’t matter.

Other than that, my day has been pretty steady. I can’t stop thinking of Ms. Sexy X and wondering what’s going on. I keep wishing I am there, constantly. I hate being so far apart from her.

As I’m reading and as I watch the show I see parallels that are uncanny. One was where Sam waited to express his feelings to Sookie but she asked why he waited until another man came along and that it is his loss. Granted, Ms. Sexy X knows exactly how I feel and that’s not a problem… but I keep asking why I’m waiting. I’m sorry, why WE’RE waiting. I would have been there with her long ago. Part of me struggles with not accepting why and the other understands totally. I guess why I have doubts is I’m a romantic and I think there’s no valid reason we should be apart if we’re in love. I still believe that. We’ll be together… true but every second we waste is just that. Let us waste not another millisecond is what I think regardless of the reasons.

I can’t explain the situation but her reasons are valid and I respect and love her. I’d do anything for her and she knows that. In this case that “anything” is nothing. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck fuck. It makes me want to scream “ARRRRRRRRRGH!”

Please say the word. I beg for that everyday though she doesn’t know it.

I know that all sounds so pathetic but I can’t help it. She is perfect for me, my soulmate. If you have that then you know the feeling and you wouldn’t want to be apart, especially this far, and not for long, again especially this long. It is pure torture – plain and simple. And that’s not to make light of actual torture, this tortures the soul and the mind.

What I force myself to do is focus on the good. That’s easy enough and I focus on her and I find myself smiling. I love her so.

Anyhow, I finished off the book and just sat outside taking it in. I always have one thought on my mind and that’s of my Ms. Sexy X. I’m sad that I’m not with her but I was happy just because I’m so lucky to have her. She’s my everything. I cleaned up and went to work. No chest pains kicking in yet… just a slight feeling.

At work I bullshitted around for a few hours. I don’t even remember really. I got pissed at one customer who walked around me to look at something and then backed up into me (ever so lightly) and turned around without looking at me and says “excuse you.” Now I said “excuse me” just being polite even though I had been standing there. She said it almost as if she meant to say “excuse me” but I clearly heard “you.” I was instantly pissed. What the hell? I told my coworker to follow me because I’m pissed and am liable to get angrier if that woman was going to say something more but she didn’t and I didn’t give her the chance.

I was trying to loosen something up with a rubber mallet and slipped and ended up smashing my index finger. It hurt for a second but wasn’t too bad. It didn’t take long to realize I broke some blood vessels so now it’s a tad sensitive. Damn.

A bit before lunch I could feel the chest pain creeping back. It wasn’t as bad as yesterday but I could feel the “pressure” building. I just kept breathing and thinking happy thoughts and refused to pop an aspirin. That seemed to have worked. It’s been dull the rest of the day. It’s all in my mind, there’s no doubt about that. I can’t let the stress get to me, that’s not healthy. I did get pissy for one second when the phone rang and I was in the middle of a daydream about my darling. Who would dare interfere, right? Haha! Whatever.

I finally got home and cracked a brew and sat on the back deck. The sun was all but set but I still enjoyed it. I like the Dos Equis Amber, it’s pretty tasty. It’s not my favorite beer but I was in the mood for it when I got it and right then. My favorite beer? You’ll find out later. I’ll make a post just on that, I know for sure.

My supper consisted of a large apple and a bagel. It’s healthy and I’m not that hungry.

Tonight I’m just going to watch a movie or something. I’ll relax and go to sleep thinking of her. It’d almost be a perfect day, if only I had her.