I’ve made some friends here, some of them are fun to hang out with and others not so much. One of the girls is full of energy which makes her fun to hang out with. I’m used to running with an older crowd and I do prefer that but they will do. My main complaint is having all this free time and hanging out with them is something to kill time and have fun. It’s the most I’ve smiled and laughed in months. I’ve had moments but it’s so fucking relaxing. I’m keeping busy by working out and staying active. I’m taking back up golf (I never quit but it’s been a few months due to money and weather.) This older gentleman has given me pointers that has vastly improved my game and I’m now eager to keep practicing to make it feel natural.
I still have my moments of loneliness and depression but thankfully it’s not too bad and lasts a short while. When they come I just get up and leave, drive to a scenic spot and just relax. I can stare at the mountains or the clouds or the water and drift away. I’m still heartbroke and that takes its toll on me even though I try not to let it. I have my mask on but even it breaks on occasion. Fuck, why do I still have feelings of love and heartache? I wish it was easy as moving on or getting callous. I had a deep connection – I don’t regret that at all. She’s still my best friend but it sure makes it harder. Life is just hard, I struggle and push on in it and that’s what I have to do here. I don’t care about anything anymore, at least that’s what I tell myself. I’m capable of caring but I think throwing up a wall is easier in the beginning and end so why bother with anything else? Heyyyyy, that almost sounds callous except I might just be foolin’ myself. Awwwesome!
