Archive for January, 2010

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I Called Her And My Demons…

Tuesday, January 26th, 2010

…I kissed them both goodbyyyyyyye.

I’m sneaking in a post here as I don’t know when my next chance will be. I still think about her every day and I try not to but I can’t help it. So many small things remind me of her and I just remember things that she did that I love about her. :-) I want to call her up and tell her I’m sorry for being a jackass but I know I can’t. She is right in that what I did was stupid and she’s over it and so am I. I also realized that I was “smothering” her (sorta) and not letting myself be. She didn’t mind it but at times she thought I was not doing myself any favors. I was aware of it but didn’t pull my head out of my ass. It sucks seeing yourself fail but it is also satisfying in realizing them and improving yourself.

Every day has been rough for various reasons as I’m trying to get to where I want to be. I’d love to still be with MSX but I know that isn’t happening. I’m at a shitty job. I am recovering from surgery. I just want to heal up, move, get settled, and then try for the job I want. I’m getting anxious and all those factors are working against me here.

I just wanna “…take this horse and ride it off this merry-go-round.”

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Last Post For A While

Thursday, January 21st, 2010

I’m worn out. I keep waking up during the night all hot. So I’m having both fans on and turning down the heat tonight. Hopefully I can get a full nights rest.

I need to start packing my shit soon. I have a move date for sure now. I just have to get everything in place. There’s the figuring out the U-Haul situation, there’s the job situation as well. It’s a mess. I have enough money but this is going to drain some resources. Arrrgh. It’s worth it though.

This may be one of my last posts unless I can mooch some internet as mine is gone now. I’ll do away with cable as well. Fuck it. Who knows I’ll update intermittently.

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Time To Cool Down

Wednesday, January 20th, 2010

I had some time to cool down. I will box my things up tomorrow in my preparation for my big move. I will probably leave around the first of March. I want to do it sooner but there’s one thing I’m holding off on. We shall see.

I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulder. Well, that feeling came long ago but cutting ties was the final reprieve. I feel better. :-)

It does suck. It sucks for my siblings too. I just won’t put up with it for their sakes, I’ve done that long enough. It’s now about me. Selfish. Yeah, fuck it. You have to stand up for yourself some time. There will be plenty of other times to give of yourself but this is not one of those times. Tomorrow is getting hotter, make no mistake. ;-) That one is for you.

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And Another Sleepless Night

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010

I’ve had another falling out with the folks. I have now written them off. I actually feel better now. It does hurt but not as much as I thought. I guess because we’ve been on this path for a year now. Honestly, it hurt more to lose my girlfriend but probably because I was much closer to her than them. I was always closest to my dad but he did something tonight to sever that connection permanently.

I guess I reap what I sow and this is how Ms. Sexy X felt when I said what I said. I’ve never felt so sad in my life as when we broke up. I know she was sad too. I’m not mad at her, in fact I still love her deeply. I miss her too. But it’s over. I still cry every fucking day like a pussy. That’s a broken heart for you.

This family issue… it sucks because I’m alienating my siblings due to my parents. I don’t mean to hurt them but I’m left with no choice. If I want to escape with my sanity this is the only thing I can do.

I’m depressed tonight. I’m really missing my girlfriend too. I never did tell her too much about my fights with my parents. I guess I figured it was between us and we’d patch it up. Then she drifted from me so I didn’t get to let her in deeper and update her as things got worse. I am jealous of her great relationship with her parents. They are the exact opposite of my folks and more like me. It’s a damned shame.

I had put up most of the things that remind me of her. I do keep something in my pocket which I probably shouldn’t but I can’t help it. I also have her perfume that I like to take a breath of every now and then. I figure there are so many things in the house and outside the house that remind me of her, I can hold onto those two. A picture of hers fell beside my bed which I found last night. I cried myself to sleep the first go around. Hell, I got tears again.

I’m moving on but just really slowly. I don’t mind it, probably because I love thinking of her. I stopped doing many of the things I normally did just because I am trying to move on. What’s funny is things would have been so different if the cancer didn’t happen or kick in right when it did. I’m pretty sure I would have still fallen out with my parents… it was on that course since ‘08 really. I had been working to just keep it neutral but things have degraded steadily. But I would have been with Ms. Sexy X. If “ifs and buts” were candy and nuts… yada yada yada.

I didn’t want to gush anymore on her and I intended not to as it would show I’m not moving on but this whole situation has brought on a gamut of emotions.

Life, it’s a bitch at times. I’ve learned that I have to grab it by the horns and make it my own bitch. Vulgar? Hell fucking yeah. But that’s the way it’s gotta be. I won’t live in fear anymore.

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Just Another (Sleepless) Night

Monday, January 18th, 2010

I had a sleepless night. I kept waking up hot and that meant dreams. I don’t recall the dreams either. I remember her face in at least one of the dreams. I don’t know why I was so hot or had such a restless night.

I can’t get over this feeling. I miss the fun times, I miss the laughs, I miss the aimless chats. I miss daydreaming all day, every day about her. I still find myself drifting off at times… I’m trying not to. I think the reason is that I still compare her to others and think of just how lucky I was. She had it all, all the things I could want in a woman. Beauty in so many ways, intelligent and sharp as a needle. A perfect combination of shyness and wittiness… just what I want. See what I did here? I’m doing it again. Ugh. I think it’s a matter of me kicking myself for losing her. :-( Why can’t I let me be? I’m neither happy nor sad right now. I just am. I’ll have a short streak of happiness and sadness but then I return to neutral. I would rather be sad as this is miserable.

I did watch some football yesterday. The Vikings absolutely tore the Cowboys a new one like I said they would. Sidney Rice was on fire. I guess Favre was too. The Jets upset the Chargers. I couldn’t believe it. I know the Jets have the number one defense but damn! Rivers and crew started off really well and then just fizzled out. The defense was holding well enough but the offense didn’t produce and Nate Kaeding missed THREE kicks in a row… that ain’t good. One of them was long, the other two not so much. Darrelle Revis once again shut down whoever he was on (he rotated.) I’d put him at Best Defensive player though I’m not upset that Charles Woodson got it. I’m now going with the Vikings to take the Super Bowl against the Colts. We shall see.

I have to get to work now. I don’t want to go. I’m sore as fuck too. Life sucks.

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Now Where Was I?

Sunday, January 17th, 2010

I know I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve thought about it but just didn’t feel like doing it. My recovery is going along nicely. I have a lot of movement back and I have fun at physical therapy. Crazy, I know. But I joke around a lot and the therapist jokes back and her helper does too. Actually all of them will join in. One of the guys is pretty funny. My therapist says I’m pretty witty. I don’t know about that. I have my moments I guess. I know a few of them from a few years ago when I went to PT. Fun times.

I had a few rants and raves but I don’t care anymore. It’s all fucking whatever. I’m getting excited at moving. I’m planning my cross country trip. That’s still a huge hurdle but I don’t care. It could be the biggest mistake of my life but I won’t know until I try it. Fuck it, I’m going. :-) It’s a nice city and it’s near other major cities (I say near but a few hours minimum.)

I’m hoping my plan works out. Getting another job will be an issue I’m sure. I want to become a cop but I got a few ideas on jobs in the meantime. I think I’ll joing a gym and work on boxing type of activities. No serious training I don’t expect but I’d like to learn some juijitsu or something. The least I can do is weightlift.

There’s so many paths, who really knows? I just know I have to strike out on one of them and not sit at the crossroads any longer.

I’m still saddened a bit, I’ll start to tear up out of nowhere. I don’t fight it, it’ll go away after a few minutes. That’s how it goes.

One thing I still can’t figure out is what to eat. I need to cook something but I need a recipe book or something because I’m getting bored of eating bland meals. I need more time and money or at the very least my arm to heal up so it won’t be a pain in the ass.

Today… today is some more playoff games. The Vikings and Cowboys play in a few and the Jets and Chargers play. I’m going Vikings/Chargers in this one because that’s who I think will go to the Super Bowl. Thankfully the Cardinals had their asses taxed by the Saints because they’re a garbage team and I’m tired of the media talking them up. The Colts dismantled the Ravens… the ratbird’s offense just didn’t show up.

I’m tired and cranky. I want to fucking go. I feel like I’m on the edge of a dip in a roller coaster or a massive storm that is about to break. I’m holding my breath praying for a moment to breathe. I’ve felt like this since… what October? September? End of May?

My lunch is going to consist of a glass of water and a Sara Lee cinnamon raisin bagel with Philadelphia cream cheese. Simple and delicious. Every time I eat one, every time I have a Pepsi it reminds me. There’s no getting around that. I chuckle every time I bite into the top half first. I’m so dorky… it brings tears to my eyes. Ha. :-(

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Good Bye Ruby Tuesday

Monday, January 11th, 2010

She would never say where she came from
Yesterday don’t matter if it’s gone
While the sun is bright
Or in the darkest night
No one knows
She comes and goes

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you…

Don’t question why she needs to be so free
She’ll tell you it’s the only way to be
She just can’t be chained
To a life where nothing’s gained
And nothing’s lost
At such a cost

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you…

There’s no time to lose, I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you may lose your mind.
Ain’t life unkind?

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you…

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you…

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It’s All About Mindset

Sunday, January 10th, 2010

Whether it be quitting drinking, quitting smoking, quitting any drugs, changing jobs, doing a job, sports, relationships… everything is about the proper mindset. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “you can achieve anything you put your mind to.” It’s both absolutely true while simultaneously being bullshit. Let’s face it, no matter how much heart you have you’re not going to be a star quarterback while being a quadriplegic. But if you’re healthy and able to do something I think you can achieve it. True some talent and luck is required but not necessary. You may not be the greatest at whatever but at least you can do it.

What brings me to this is seeing this guy lose 125lbs in under a year. I haven’t read through the blog because it would bore me but I’m sure there’s a great story there. http://www.344pounds.com/ The key is to have the proper mindset which he has. I always tell people that want to lose weight that it is easy – simply don’t eat! I’m dead serious but not realistic. You should eat some but I would severly restrict it so that your stomach shrinks and becomes accustomed to less. Drink lots of water – dump soda, coffee, and beer. Once you get down to where you want to be you can drink it all again. I drink on average 2 Pepsis a day and I’m underweight. I’m trying to gain weight. This surgery has made me hungry as hell. It’s actually helping counter the depression feeling of not wanting to eat. I’ve lost weight again (under 160… damn.) If I gain weight I want it to be muscle, I’m pretty lean right now so I don’t want it in the form of a gut. If you’re prepared to lose weight be sure to eat less and excercise. It’s pretty simple – burn off more calories than you take in. Once you get to being active you can eat more because your body burns more, you’ll feel energetic, and eat some healthy shit every now and then. I’m a meat and potatos kind of guy but I’ll throw down some veggies and fruits every now and then. I also take multivitamins once a day. Don’t give me the excuse of being “big boned” because you’re not… you’re fat and have no self control, no will power, and no shame apparently. Don’t give me a thyroid excuse either. Mindset is all I want from you that you CAN and WILL do what it takes.

This can be applied to many things. Right now I need to apply it to my relationships. It’s a work in progress. “I can’t” shouldn’t be in anyone’s vocabulary if the task is reasonable. I had a better rant before but this goddamned server took a shit for a few minutes and lost it. Oh well.

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Bummed Around With Bum Arm

Saturday, January 9th, 2010

Nothing new today. I slept in late, ate, and did some one handed cleaning. Washing up some dishes sure was interesting as well as doing some laundry. I hopped back in bed and watched basketball until 4 then went over to a friends to watch UK beat Georgia. John Wall was not playing his best game, in fact the whole team looked anemic. Thankfully Patterson and Cousins stepped up with Liggins and Bledsoe. Nothing heroic, just the basics and it helped us pull through. We’re still undefeated and here’s to beating Florida Tuesday night at 9. The Jets beat up on the Bengals like I said they would. Revis shut down Chad Johnson as usual and Sanchez hooked up with Keller and Cotchery. I was happy with the outcome. The Cowboys are unfortunately winning right now. The Eagles defense is pathetic, mainly because most their players are hurt. It’d take a miracle to win now. McNabb looks like garbage as usual. His offensive line looks worse so that’s of no help. Meh. Wisconsin beat Purdue and Georgia Tech came back and beat Duke after I wrote them off and left. UConn blew a huge lead and the end of the game allowing Georgetown to win by a few. The games weren’t too bad today.

I came back home because his place is fucking cold. My arm is hurting like a bitch so I popped another pain pill. That’s only my second for today. :-) I’m starting to feel it already. Oy.

I’m trying not to think today and I’ve been mostly successful. I can’t control dreams and I dreamed 3 different times last night. They were happy dreams but after I woke up I felt sad. Damn. Maybe I’ll get a bunch of sleep tonight with no dreams. I don’t dream often and I remember them even less often but last night I kept waking up… I wonder if it was the medicine but more likely just me. Blah. I’m trying here.

I’ll probably cruise around on the internet for a while until I pass out. This game sucks so I’m turning it off. I plan on sleeping in and watching football tomorrow. If only I could dream a reality then I’d never dream another.

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Train Roll On

Friday, January 8th, 2010

What gets you through tough times? I lost the only cushion I’ve found so now it’s back to square one. My Tuesday is gone. :-( I’m listening to some music, it’s rough. “My baby’s gone with the wind…”

“I don’t know… ohhh where I’m going… I just want to be left alone…”

I’m working on healing here both mentally and physically. I’m exercising my arm regularly as part of my physical therapy. In a few weeks I’ll be good to go and then I’m moving. I’ll get a job for the interim and I’m going to try to become a police officer. :-) I’ve decided I want to serve my community. I also want to get into some volunteer work. I’m not entirely sure what I’ll be doing on that front but I feel a need to serve mankind. I’m looking for happiness and I’m not getting it by serving just my own interests. Speaking of which, there’s some old toys from many years ago that I’d like to donate to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. Will this be my calling? I can’t say. It’s just something I gotta do. I feel sorry for the folks that depend on a job and feel they are stuck to it. I’ll do what I need to do to survive but I’ll be damned if I stay somewhere because I feel I have no other choice. If that job isn’t doing it for me, if it doesn’t make me happy… I’m moving on. Whether it’s a great paying job or shit it doesn’t matter. If there’s no happiness there it isn’t worth it to me.

“Tuesday… she… she had to be free… but somehow I got to carry on…”

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I Wanted Something Better Man

Thursday, January 7th, 2010

What a rollercoaster of a day. I started off by waking up throughout the night. I took a Percocet sometime and managed to get some more sleep. Then I had to get to my doctor’s office but not before taking a careful bath and cleaning up. Something ripe was hitting my nose and I didn’t understand, the wrap on my arm didn’t really smell at all. I finally figured out it was my shirt I wore yesterday and the night before. I guess my body sweated those chemicals out because it wasn’t pleasant. So I threw those clothes into the wash and then washed my sheets right after. Yuck.

Some nasty ass snow storm is blowing all across the US and of course we get dumped on. I fucking hate the cold and I hate the snow. Fuck this shit. I get to the appointment where I get to wait around for 50 minutes when I am literally the ONLY patient in the fucking waiting room. What the hell? I couldn’t believe no one was there, usually it is pretty packed. They cut the dressing off and we talk and go over the stuff, pretty normal. I get a scrip for physical therapy which I go over and do. Now with this storm blowing in I guess most of the PT staff decided to vacate. Whatever. I had to fill out a long ass sheet with one arm and wait some more. Finally a therapist saw me and we took a good hour. She had some students she was teaching so I didn’t mind since I was bored. Granted, I wanted to get home and take some meds and eat but it could wait. Most of this stuff was review for me since I did this two years ago but I thought it was fun having the kids watch and learn.

The drive home wasn’t so pleasant. The roads were shit and the drivers were worse. I just took it slow, I ain’t in no rush and I have one arm. Fuck getting into a wreck. I had to turn off my radio, my thoughts were wandering. They still are. I took a pain pill and now I’m euphoric. I’m about to give my exercises another go. I can’t stop thinking and I don’t know if it’s a side effect or just me but I’m sad. I can’t shake this feeling. I so desperately want to talk to her but I can’t.

Here’s what’s bothering me as well: some idiot goes nuts and shoots up a place in St. Louis. Do us all a favor and throw yourself off a goddamned cliff instead of taking others with you, you selfish piece of shit. Another thing: fuck this extra security at airports. If a terrorist gets through and blows shit up oh well. It’s bound to happen again no matter what precautions we take. You’re letting the terrorists win with all this extra shit. If my plane got hijacked I’m going after the goatfucker. If he blows us up well I guess that was my time to die. No need to make everyone suffer. This nanny state is getting too large. The past few days have had airports shutdown due to someone walking in the wrong way or a suspicious fucking ornament… are you serious? Good game, we now have a piece of plastic shutting down an entire airport. Way to show them terrorists! I’d touch on healthcare but I’m damned tired of typing and thinking.

I’m going to go sulk.

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Quick Update

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010

I’m typing on one hand here.

The surgery appears to be successful. I was in a cheery mood I suppose - I joked around to put the staff at ease. I’m sure they love an easy patient and I was sure to thank them all.

I woke up from surgery and it’s really hard because you want to sleep. I remember last time with the nurse bugging me so I tried hard. I was semi-conscious most of the time. I asked what I had to wake up for and immediately a name popped in my head. Whoops, oh well. I wanted to tell her about my nurse missing my vain twice, she would have gotten a kick out of that. Ha, the nurse even said I had good veins – they’re large and easy to see. Yet she was digging around in there with the needle. No big deal. I’ll get back to this later, my hand is tired.

Update: Where was I? The nurse brought out the lidocaine which I told her was unnecessary. She insisted and stuck me with it and proceeded with the 20 gauge in my hand. She poked around but couldn’t get the vain. I was teasing her making her more nervous. She mentioned something about her kids at home would be getting sick or something. I told her needles didn’t bother me like that and to take her time. So she tries again this time up on my arm. She finds the vain and I tell her “no” for sure on the lido. She sticks me and I can feel her tapping the vain but not sticking it. She tried for a few minutes frustrated and with me laughing. This reminded me of two incidents before – one was my own. I know it helped ease the tension since I wasn’t freaking out but she insisted she wasn’t doing it a third time. I told her practice makes perfect and to go ahead but she grabbed a male nurse. She teased me back saying they should use me for practice rounds for the trainees and I quipped right back that she might want to go first. We all laughed. The male nurse got it the first time though he took his time also commenting on my veins. I ought to use that as a future pickup line “check out my good veins.” Ha, whatever. He was cool too, I saw him in the recovery area and bade goodbye to him as I left.

Needles and blood don’t bug me. She looked at me weird when I didn’t want a nerve block and even moreso when I wanted to be awake for the procedure. The latter was a no-go but I did forego the block and am happy that I did.

That took forever to type one handed and I’m beat. Oy.

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