I feel nothing and I feel everything. Let me clarify… I feel nothing as far as joy or happiness and I feel everything that is painful and sad. Blah. I’m working on it. I hate depression, this shit is… well depressing. Yes, I made a little joke. I almost cracked a grin on it. Unfortunately I’m not new to this but it never seems to get easier.
I hate this cold weather. I’m ready to move to someplace much warmer. I want to run on the beach again as it is easier on the knees. I ain’t old but I do have an injury which this weather is killing me on and my knees don’t take too kindly to it either. I’ve stopped running regularly because of that and it’s not like I weigh that much? I must be doing something wrong. Granted I switched shoes since then but I’ve all but stopped. I just need the right circumstances. I have big plans ahead of me and no idea how hard this journey will be but I must take it. I’m excited and nervous. I got the whole anxiety bullshit working against me. Thanks to it I may have ruined a relationship – I fucking hope not but it’s a waiting game now.
What was I rambling on about? Oh yes, the anxiety. That’ll be fun starting a new job as I never look forward to the first month where I’m nice and sick and timid. Fuuuuuck that. But I gotsta. I have a technique that works but it’s so fucking hard to do (even in its simplicity.) It’s all mental and I know it but that doesn’t stop it so it takes a concentrated mental effort to push on.
An important note to self: when busy at work don’t drink two Irish Carbombs right before coming back in… being buzzed seems to be counterproductive.
