December « 2009 « My Beautiful Disaster

Archive for December, 2009

Thievery Rant

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

Why do assholes steal? If they put as much energy as they do to get shit they could put it to work and actually EARN money. I’ve actually become accustomed to thieves and gave up caring. I’ll try to stop a thief if I see one but if I see something gone anymore I think “oh well.” It sucks for all the honest folk as prices rise to compensate for loss. It sucks for the workers who have to constantly get bitched about loss. It sucks for the company who makes more ridiculous moves to curb it. Theft affects everyone. The workers give up caring. Why try? If safeguards are put in then they’re later removed because of the inconvenience to customers. They figure X amount stolen is less than Y amount sold so go ahead. Then the vicious cycle restarts. Here’s an idea, let the common folk beat the shit out of thieves as deterrence without worrying about civil/criminal charges.

To all thieves: You’re not clever. You’re not sly. You’re not “owed” shit. No one cares about you. You should care about you and make the most of yourself. Get a job and earn it. No one owes you shit. You’re not above anyone though I’d posit that EVERYONE is above a thief. Join the ranks of everyone else.

Posted in Work | No Comments »

I Created The Sound Of Sadness

Tuesday, December 29th, 2009

Okay so I admit that’s not terribly clever but I don’t care. It kinda made me smile for a second today. Today I have been sooooo tired. I wasn’t feeling too well this morning either. Here’s a key – when you drink a bit of beer the previous night always drink some water and gatorade. Rehydration is the key. Now I didn’t have but 5 so that was nothing but I also had a bunch of spicy pizza and let’s just say the BS hit this morning. I had forgotten to drink anything so I was a little dehydrated as well. The key here was to eat greasy food when I felt better and keep drinking water.

That’s not the only thing though. (Oh wow, I just had a burp that tasted like a beer… almost 24 hours later. Weird.) Where was I? Ah yes. I’ve been feeling down all day like something bad is about to happen. I’m not sure what but it has me depressed.

I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m going to move but I don’t know what will happen thereafter. Am I afraid? Strangely, no. I have to get out of this place, I’m going nuts. I need something. Will I stay where I go? I hope so but I can’t say with any certainty. It’s a big move. I have to get closer to MSX. This is what *I* want. I’m doing it for me and hopefully for her. If not, oh well, this is what I want to do. I never mean to discredit her opinion but I know I put her in an awkward position of making it feel like she is making me do this. Hell no, I’ve been thinking about moving forever and now is the time. I don’t care if she’ll be gone for a while by the time I get there. She will be back. I must be with her. Sigh. The anxiety will come, there IS some fear there but for the moment I’m good. Will she be there when I get there? How will things go? What about my job? There’s mounds of what-ifs but I’m just saying “fuck it” and doing it. I won’t let life pass me by, I’m going after what I want.

My boss told me yesterday I have good leadership skills. I can see that but I’ve never really been in that position before. I don’t want to lead, that’s not my style, but if I’m stuck in the position I will do it. I haven’t really thought about it beyond that. What I was thinking mostly of today was where am I going? What do I want to do? What do I love that would make for a good job?

I love guns. I love the beauty of them and the mechanics and the physics. I like figuring out how machines work. I like football. I like video games. Can any of those be made into a useful skill? I don’t know. That’s what I’ve been pondering all day. That and I’ve been thinking about MSX, things that should be and other stuff. I was a little worried about her again. Sigh. Why do I have to be so stupid at times? And why does life have to throw such curveballs?

I’m tired, I’m cranky, I’m sad. That’s the wrap up of my day. Like most people except I have a private blog to bitch on. Fuck off!

Posted in Beer, Ms. Sexy X, Myself, Work | No Comments »

Long Road To Healing

Sunday, December 27th, 2009

This past week has been “the suck” to steal an old river phrase. Work was busy as hell. I work retail for the time being and I’m done with it. Why am I still around? It’s a job and I’m looking to move on now but I’m waiting a little while longer. I need to make the move here in a little while and it’s a guaranteed job until I get settled and start sending out resumes. So I have to tough it out just a little bit longer.

I didn’t celebrate Christmas. I just didn’t feel like it. I have some depression going on but it’s not that. I just feel empty. It wasn’t really a big deal to me. I made a delicious lasagna.

I talked to Ms. Sexy X last Saturday and before we got off I asked her to call Christmas day to which she said she would. She didn’t. :-( She did send a text. I guess that’s something. I’m not going to push either. It just sucks. I’m not getting any gifts but that’s the one thing I’d like is to just hear her voice. Oh well. Will she call tonight? I’m not counting on it. Before she was in the hospital, I knew she couldn’t manage a call. Now that I know she can and doesn’t, well it hurts. I know why I guess. It still sucks though. I miss her so badly.

Today I went to the bar with a friend to watch the Steelers game. There must have been 50+ fans in there and 3 Ravens fans. The Ravens fans got all cocky when they picked Ben off for a touchdown but it was cancelled due to a hold. I was laughing because they had rubbed it in and the whole place erupted and rubbed into their faces. That game was crazy, talk about two evenly matched teams. Penalties killed the Ratbirds and our stellar defense and run game are hard to be found in the second half of this season. There’s still playoff contention if the Broncos lose tonight and the Texans lose next week and of course the Steelers win. The Jets need to lose but the fucking Colts are playing their 2nd and 3rd strings so the Jets will win this. Hopefully the Bungles will beat them next week.

I’m just depressed right now. I know MSX is the one for me but I am stuck in limbo here on that. My job is dead end and I’m nervous about the move. I’ll have to do what it takes because I can’t just sit here and let life pass me by. Another 10 days and I can start to put things in motion.

Fuck it. I’m going.

Posted in Ms. Sexy X, Myself, Steelers | No Comments »

Steelin’ The Win

Monday, December 21st, 2009

The Packers travelled to Heinz field to take on the slumming Steelers. What a game that turned out to be. The Steelers’ defense played a mediocre game and by the end they were just getting worked. Tyrone Carter blew a few tackles, two huge ones with Jenning’s TD and Driver’s 30 yard reception. Hopefully Polamalu will be back next week.

The offense showed up so much so that Woodson (arguably one of the best cornerbacks in the league even if he’s getting a tad old) kept getting penalties because he kept getting burned. Mike Wallace gets a bomb thrown to him and he has to stop to get it because Big Ben didn’t throw it far enough and spins around for the first touchdown of the game with a 1-play, 60 YD TD pass in :02. Crazy. Mathews is a beast of a defensive end and he just worked our left tackle Starks. I felt sorry for him. Lots of pressure on Big Ben but he managed to stay on his feet and get 503 yards and 3TDs… the most yardage of the year for any QB and a franchise record. Holmes, Wallace, Ward, and Miller were all equally thrown to and stepped up with very few errors.

Many have criticized Tomlin’s decision for an onside kick with a little over 4 minutes in the game and up by only 2 points. I applauded him since it was a win/win situation. Firstly, our defense was running backwards in the fourth quarter. Had we kicked it deep they would have ate up the clock and scored anyways (FG or TD) giving us no time left to rebut. So giving it up at the 39 isn’t a horrible scenario as we’d have clock to work with and we’d need only one score giving us the win. Secondly, had the onside worked we would have most likely scored and ate up the clock while being up TWO scores and essentially cinching the game. It ALMOST worked had Ike Taylor waited one extra bounce as no one was really that close. Too bad.

It was the last 2 minute drive that impressed. Flags on both sides kept it tense. Going down to fourth and ten makes it moreso. I’m holding my breath as he lasers one into Holmes hands between two defenders. It looks like a pick but no! I see Holmes take a mad dash to the sidelines and I cheer! Few more plays gets it to the 20 yard line. 1st and 10 but with so little time it’s all or nothing. Throw it away once when Ward was coming across and he didn’t see. Put it in the back of the endzone but too high. :03 seconds left, only one play left. The ball is hiked and Ben waits. He’s watching and a lineman breaks through and grabs him. Everyone holds there breath as the game is over as the time is out and he’s wrapped up. But wait! Being Big Ben he works his miracle and steps out of the tackle and steps into the pocket. He spies Wallace running post and shoots a quick one to where only Wallace can catch it but only if he lays out and toe taps in a la Holmes and Super Bowl XLIII greatness. The rookie does just that and pulls it in for an amazing touchdown to tie the game and Reed finishes with the point after. First time a game has ended in the score 37-36. An amazing finish to a great game.

This was an important win. All the wildcard teams are .500 now giving us a legitimate shot if the numbers fall right. Finishing out the season by beating the Ravens and Dolphins should eliminate them. The Broncos can fall, they just lost to the Raiders and they have to travel to Philly to take on the red hot Eagles. It ain’t over yet! Not to mention that Troy Polamalu should be back to lead our defense.

Posted in NFL, Steelers | No Comments »

Day 33

Sunday, December 20th, 2009

I seriously need to stop thinking. If it were only that easy.

Work has been dreadfully busy, it’s given me no time to think and for that I’m almost thankful. But it does tire me out, no doubt about that.

I’m laying in bed looking out my window upon the snow covered ground. As usual it isn’t much snow which I’m thankful for. I love the large snowfall BUT only when I can go out in the woods and just sit. It’s so quiet and serene that it is surreal. I can’t explain it other than everyone should do it at least once. That said – shitty road conditions and the biting cold is not a favorite of mine. The snow we had last night was that rain/sleet mixture crap. Yuck. It’s rather pretty out right now and hopefully will melt off by tonight.

I sent a Christmas letter to Ms. Sexy X and she loved it. She felt bad she didn’t send one back but I told her there’s no need. She called and we talked for about an hour. This sucks so much, I feel like we’re starting over. Perhaps that isn’t too bad a thing, maybe it’s better for my second chance. I don’t know yet. I just wish I was there.

My ass is going to be parked in bed all day except to get up for the essentials like eating and showering. I have the Packers & Steelers game to watch at 4:15EST. I don’t expect a win but bygawd it’d be nice to break this losing streak.

I almost want to go camping right now. Ahhh, good times.

Posted in Ms. Sexy X, NFL | No Comments »

In Pursuit Of Perfection

Thursday, December 17th, 2009

I’m constantly trying to improve myself both physically and mentally. I’ll never hit that mark even if I were the most perfect man on earth. There’s always something I can be doing better. To reach perfection you have to keep changing. The problem with that definition is there is never a place to stop, ergo it can’t be reached. That’s alright by me.

John Powell once said “I am afraid to tell you who I am, because, if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and that’s all I have.”

I don’t really care about what people think about me. Well, on a level I do but since I conduct myself with moral/ethical regards I know that I’ll usually be good in other peoples’ eyes. There are certain people opinions that I do care about more than others’… especially one in particular. That’s the one that matters to me even moreso than my own. I know I’ll never hit perfection but I’ll make damned sure I try.

I do have a caveat though. I AM afraid to open up to people because if they reject those thoughts they are rejecting me. That’s why Mr. Powell’s quote hits so close to home. I guess it’s the similar as to why I don’t want to show off my body because someone might point and laugh except this is much worse. Thoughts are much more important than anything else and if I show myself, I leave myself exposed. I don’t have much and I don’t care if I didn’t have a thing but I value my integrity and thoughts and feelings and if those are taken away I am nothing. I had a hurtful comment posted early on. I left it up as a reminder. Even anonymous internet users can suck the wind outta your sails. I take them with a grain of salt but I do look to improve upon where I can.

I know I can’t reach perfection in my own eyes. I count my flaws out everyday. Gotta love self-esteem. I’m not slittin’ my wrists here, I’m just being realistic. I try to improve upon myself though. Same goes for looks… I stay very clean. I don’t dress up… not my cup of tea. I give people the real me. I also workout fairly regularly to maintain a good physique. I slacked off for several months so now I’m working at it again. Not perfect nor will it ever be in my eyes but it is actually doable.

What does it take to be perfect? Change/Adaptation & Willpower/Mindset. I groom myself for myself but I do it for my significant other too. I’d expect the same courtesy back. I have personality flaws but I work on attitude so I can be a better person. It takes work and time like everything else in life. I don’t mind it. It’s amazing what turning off the TV or computer will do for you… suddenly a lot more time is available to accomplish these things.

My perfection will be complete if I can just get rid of my depression and my anxiety problems. I know that’ll never happen.

Posted in Thoughts | No Comments »

Just Dropped In (No LSD)

Wednesday, December 16th, 2009

I feel nothing and I feel everything. Let me clarify… I feel nothing as far as joy or happiness and I feel everything that is painful and sad. Blah. I’m working on it. I hate depression, this shit is… well depressing. Yes, I made a little joke. I almost cracked a grin on it. Unfortunately I’m not new to this but it never seems to get easier.

I hate this cold weather. I’m ready to move to someplace much warmer. I want to run on the beach again as it is easier on the knees. I ain’t old but I do have an injury which this weather is killing me on and my knees don’t take too kindly to it either. I’ve stopped running regularly because of that and it’s not like I weigh that much? I must be doing something wrong. Granted I switched shoes since then but I’ve all but stopped. I just need the right circumstances. I have big plans ahead of me and no idea how hard this journey will be but I must take it. I’m excited and nervous. I got the whole anxiety bullshit working against me. Thanks to it I may have ruined a relationship – I fucking hope not but it’s a waiting game now.

What was I rambling on about? Oh yes, the anxiety. That’ll be fun starting a new job as I never look forward to the first month where I’m nice and sick and timid. Fuuuuuck that. But I gotsta. I have a technique that works but it’s so fucking hard to do (even in its simplicity.) It’s all mental and I know it but that doesn’t stop it so it takes a concentrated mental effort to push on.

An important note to self: when busy at work don’t drink two Irish Carbombs right before coming back in… being buzzed seems to be counterproductive.

Posted in Myself, Thoughts | No Comments »

Now I Wait My Whole Lifetime…

Sunday, December 13th, 2009

I don’t remember when I posted last. Nothing new has really happened. I found my mistake and apologized though I don’t know if she forgave me for it. I’ve been feeling like shit day in and day out.

I think she’ll give me a second chance eventually and I feel she still loves me… just hurt. So all I can do is wait. I wish I’d keep my mouth shut. I’m a moron. :-(

I plan on doing nothing all day. I was going to try to workout or clean but I just don’t feel like it. That may change later but I’m depressed. It’d be much worse but thankfully she called and I got to talk with her earlier.

I can’t wait to get going. I’m holding off for a month and then I’ll get it in motion. I still don’t know what I’m doing day to day but I have a very rough estimate of where I want to be going and I know what I want my final goal to be. Getting started is always the hardest part. I don’t have any qualms about it though.

Posted in Ms. Sexy X, Myself | No Comments »

Busy Days Help

Sunday, December 6th, 2009

I was right, the 4th was so very hard on me. I had the day off and it just hit me. I tried cleaning to keep my mind off of it but I’d just breakdown over and over. I did manage to clean my incredibly messy room… I always let it go to shit when I tumble into depression. I just start throwing anything anywhere. Well, I was tired of the mess and it just further depressed me. I was intending to keep busy so I couldn’t think but I failed. Alas, I finally got it clean, my laundry all washed, the kitchen clean, and my bathroom clean. It felt really good despite the fact that I felt like shit. I ended up going over to a friend’s to play Call of Duty until 2AM. I got home and in bed by 3AM only to get up at 6AM.

Yesterday was much easier but not entirely better. The lack of sleep wasn’t fun. I was busy at work all day when my boss sprung a surprise project on me. We were horribly understaffed until 1PM. It’s alright as I went on a 3 hour lunch at 12 so that I could watch UK beat UNC. John Wall dominated the first half only to come out in the second with bad cramps. We had a commanding lead that just shrivelled up. I don’t feel like breaking down the game but suffice it to say we need to work on free throws bad and learn to kick the ball out to our perimeter when they double down the big guys.

I went back to work for just an hour before leaving to go over to a friend’s to watch the SEC Championship game. Alabama beat Florida… well destroyed is a better word. I was happy. Tebow is good and all but he doesn’t make me a bandwagon Florida fan like a lot of people seem to be doing. I don’t really have a college football team but I’ll stick with USC for a few reasons. (That’d be SoCal and NOT SoCar.)

After that we made some delicious burgers. They’re at least a quarter pound each. I had two which was a HUGE mistake. I was sooooo full. Ms. Sexy X called me and talked for about 20 minutes which was great. Unfortunately I was at a friend’s and at the very end I felt like throwing up. She sounded wonderful though and that was the highlight of my day for sure. I think she misses me but I know she won’t say. She’s set her mind for the moment so maybe one day she will but I just have to wait. :-( I get where she’s coming from when she does that but I wish she’d open up to me again. Afterall, it’s just us. I’ll wait for her… I love her. :-)

So I almost threw up. I was in the bathroom for a good bit, I walked around outside in the BRISK 20 degree weather to help. I stood for the first part of the Ultimate Fighter.

The whole card was actually entertaining. I was disappointed with Matt beating Marcus. Matt is such an idiot saying they both have “retard strength” on live TV. Really? I laughed at how stupid he could be. McSweeney beat Schoonover which I did want. Hamill beat Jones though Hamill got beat down so badly. Jones got DQ’d for illegal vertical elbow drops to the face. I never heard of them doing a DQ… wouldn’t it be a NC? Interesting. Jones should have won but the ref wouldn’t call it. Kimbo Slice beat Houston Alexander (who has an uncanny resemblence to the rapper Common.) The first round was completely boring with Houston literally dancing around the ring for the whole fucking thing. The second round started the same way with weak leg kicks to Kimbo’s bad knee. Not a bad game plan but put some power behind that shit. Kimbo slammed him down a few times and dominated the second round. The third round they were both tired and there were some takedowns and punches exchanged but it was slow and went to the bell where they both were exhausted. By unanimous decision Kimbo won which I agree with. Now given his age and bad knee… I can see him fighting a few more times but I certainly don’t expect him to last. The last fight featured Brenden Shaub and Roy Nelson. Guess who fucking won? Yeah the fatass did. I do give him credit, he actually put up a much better fight this time. Clearly Shaub needed to stay on his feet which he figured out after shoving that lardass off of him with one hand (WOW!) They were trading licks after that. Nelson gets gassed quick so dancing around to the second round would have worked but instead they exchange punches again except this time Nelson catches Shaub with a HUGE right hook to the ear which puts him to sleep. He punched him once more on the ground but Shaub was dazed and the ref stepped in to signal the knockout. Am I disappointed? You bet but oh well.

Chuck Lidell and Tito Ortiz are the next coaches for the middleweight TUF. Why the washed up Chuck? I guess he gets ratings and is friends with Dana. I wanted to see Georges St. Pierre coach. This next Saturday is a huge fight card in UFC 107. I’ll watch for sure.

I went home after that as my stomach was still iffy. This morning I feel fine (knock on wood.) I wish I could have talked longer with her. I probably won’t hear from her again for another week if not two weeks. That sucks. :-(

Posted in College Football, Food, Ms. Sexy X, Myself, UFC, University of Kentucky | No Comments »

I Fail At Life

Friday, December 4th, 2009

I’m already breaking down. Tonight is going to be hard. It’s like I’m being stabbed in the heart by a heating iron. I type this in the brief moment that I can breathe. I suppose it’s not helping that I have her picture up and I’m tracing her face with my finger. I cannot stop the tears as I think of her.

I don’t want to be. I want to crawl into a hole and just quit. I cannot stop thinking about her. I, of course, can’t stop thinking about what happened - I’m not even sure what happened which makes it so much worse. Where did things go so fucking wrong? How do I mess up something so perfect? She’s perfect. Maybe that’s the problem, I don’t deserve her I guess. I love her so much. This pain isn’t receding. She’s going to be gone for a while so the pain has only begun. How did I scare her off? I wish I could turn back the hands of time. I only have myself to blame. I damn myself to this personal hell.

I have my favorite picture up on my desktop. It’s black and white. She has the biggest smile ever – the most perfect smile. Even more special, the smile is for me. I’ll never forget the reason for the smile. That’s when I made a promise – one that I signed every email off with. Now I don’t know if I can ever fulfill that promise. I also made a promise to myself to be the best possible man/boyfriend to her and I utterly failed. I guess that’s why I hate myself so much. I failed her. That picture is… I can’t even begin to describe the beauty of her. She’s so special. I’m going to go crawl back down in my hole now.

I want to rip out what’s left of my soul and just let it be devoured. Ha, I chuckled on that. A bit melodramatic, right? I needed that. Sadly enough it’s still true. Oy.

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

Day 16

Thursday, December 3rd, 2009

I feel numb. It’s just surreal I guess. The emotions comes in waves. I’ve been pretty good at holding back between work and hanging out with a buddy but there’s times where I just can’t keep up and keep them in check. For example early morning is hard and late at night can get rough. Days off are especially rough like tomorrow will be. Today is Dec. the 3rd. There is some significance here so it’s a bit harder today. I must have listend to AIC’s “Down In a Hole” about a half dozen times already. I felt some hot tears roll down my cheeks.

I did schedule surgery, it should be relatively minor and seamless but there’s always some risk.

Life is just getting me down. I’m in misery. I miss her so much and I hate myself for fucking things up. :-( She means everything to me, she’s so perfect for me. I couldn’t make a more perfect woman if I was able to, I don’t know how I am so lucky to begin with. We’re still friends but I’m still hurtin’. Oy.

Posted in Myself | No Comments »

My Beautiful Disaster