I wake up sick to my stomach. It’s not indigestion or anything of the sort. I’m also low on energy. I’m forcing myself to eat. This isn’t a surprise for me at all.
I have my spurts throughout the day. I’ve already had one this morning. I’m nervous and scared and I hate myself. What a lovely combination.
How can one go from happiness to destruction so quick? I shouldn’t let one person have such control over me and I know it. It’s just… I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her since we first started talking. Day in and day out. I don’t mind that one bit. It’s been getting harder and harder to breathe for a while now. They’ve gotten more shallow in the past 2 months. I don’t know how to explain it but my heart races and I just can’t breathe in any more. It’s like I’m running out of time and now it draws closer. I’ve been saving every last breath for her so that I could inhale her upon our meet. Does that make sense? Now I’m stuck gasping for air.
My mind is hell, a custom prison made just for myself. I’ve fallen into that hole and I’m making minimal effort to get out. I’m still trying with her but the light appears to be fading to black.
“Sand rains down and here I sit… holding rare flowers in a toooooomb…”
Update: I watched the Chiefs beat the Steelers. It was a good game but too many costly mistakes on the defensive side of the ball. I was quite surprised but I don’t mind it.
I broke down once today and feel like it again. I went back and read every single text from that timespan and I can’t find a thing I said wrong. I have no clue… so what do I do? I want to explode into nothingness. Fuck me. :-(
