My Beautiful Disaster

“I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war… our Great Depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.” – Tyler Durden, Fight Club.

I’ll be the first to say I wasn’t a fan of this movie at all. It was all rather lame for me. This quote is about the only bit of gold down in that empty vane. However, these words are very true. I’m at the point that I don’t know what I want to do with my life and I’m falling down. It’s not a disaster but it leaves me confused day in and day out. I’ll take control sometime, right now I seem content in my misery. I’m slowly working on it but I just can’t seem to breathe.

I won’t get into the anti-capitalism vibe from the quote. I don’t think materialism is a horrid thing but it does leave us with the troubles listed at the end of the quote. It’s our own choice and it’s all about moderation. I see the truth in the statement and I’m not blind to it. That’s why I don’t give a shit about money nor a job. They’re only tools to get me where I need to go. It’s the destination and how to get there that is giving me a problem.

Let’s talk about money. This goes hand in hand – actually it’s a spinoff. I’m using a thread I read for this post. Anyways, someone asks why money can’t buy happiness because he or she thinks that is bullshit.

Everyone’s definition of happiness will differ. I think of it as merely a tool to achieve happiness. It can also be viewed as insulation from misery. Money makes life easier and that does give one a level of satisfaction. I’ll gladly admit to that. My true happiness though? Can’t be bought. Sure I’ll enjoy money, who wouldn’t? It’s the love of money that gets some folks in trouble. They find themselves without true friends or loved ones. A human is social, even the loners like me. We can go our own ways but we’ll be miserable or never satisfied which may not be mutually exclusive. There are some that live for money and perhaps the saying is true. I don’t really care. I know what I want. Happiness is a long ways off for me at the moment.

Today is a special day. I’m happy and sad. Way to fuck things up. Oy. :-(

I was reading various threads on a forum which is filled with juvenile minded men for the most part. Why? I don’t know… I just need something to keep me busy and reading helps. Sometimes I laugh at their sheer stupidity. There’s a whole cross section of topics.

The relationship threads are always so pathetic. It’s always about sex, looks, or crazy women. The answer usually involved bailing or revenge or both. I often wonder how many relationships these guys have been in or have failed. Other topics contain moral issues and much of the advice is ethically questionable. It saddens me. I know there is a lot of tongue in cheek but the sad part is knowing most believe what they write.

What I want out of life is simple. I want a family… at least a wife. I want the soulmate I can share my every thought and feeling with and share my whole life with. Kids would be most welcome too. Anything else is simply icing. I’m not worried about a job or money, it would help and I’m looking but what I want is a family and to spend time with said family. Something I never really got. My dad was always gone and I love him dearly. My mom was there but… not. I love her too. But they don’t get it when I’m trying to just go my own way. It’s not hate or spite, I simply want to go. It might be a result of upbringing but I was always the independent/stubborn/lone type anyways. I wonder if that’s an Irish trait. Hmmm. So my goals in life are seemingly simple but so very hard.

I have to find the right woman first. I know I found the right one but as you can see from my last post shit has gone sideways. She makes me laugh and smile, she consoles and listens, she confides, she shares and I share. She is perfect, I wish I could claim to be the same. I can’t begin to describe the pain. The pain of losing her hasn’t even begun to hit… probably because I don’t even know if I lost her yet. I’m still attempting to talk with her so I guess my feelings are in limbo. I still have a stabbing pain inside me for hurting her though.

I wrote this last night, I might add to it later. The greatest challenge in life is to find the right mate I think. One can make and lose money fast, become famous or powerful and bankrupt and unknown instantly, can attain dreams and break them… all this fairly easy. Finding the right one to start a relationship and maintaining said relationship is the greatest challenge of all I would think. That requires constant attention and effort. I’m not at all opposed to the challenge, I’m challenging myself constantly and it looks like I’m on the brink of failure for the moment. I’ll fight harder because she is worth it.