I woke up today and I didn’t want to. No, I’m not tired. I just didn’t want to wake up this morning. Do you know how scary that feeling is? I don’t mean that in a suicidal way… I just want to be suspended from life. It’s my only refuge. I don’t seek out nor wish for death, that’s folly. I want quiet, I want peace, I want tranquility.
Ms. Sexy X called about 12 hours ago in the wee hours of the morning. I was awake as usual. The first part of the conversation was serious talk. She thinks there’s a gap between us. She wants to do X and thinks I should do Y. I’m trying to tell her I don’t want to do Y I want to do X with her. I’m trying to understand her but it’s so hard. My lack of money is holding me back as well. I never thought it’d come to that but that hurts. No, she doesn’t want money. It’s just that I don’t have the money to pay my own way to her. I mean I have enough but she wants to travel. At one time she was wanting to pay my way and I was refusing (just to get to her.) I’m adamant on doing that… now I’m at a loss for words and feelings. I want to travel too.
It hurts that she’ll leave me behind. It really does. I don’t know anymore. I might add to this later. I’m tired of everything. I want to crawl into a hole and just stay there. I have to fight this depression. I fucking hate money. I fucking hate cancer. Things have gone so wrong and I feel like as much as I try she’s resisting. It saddens me. Did I do something wrong?
