Today is the day I finally blog about it. What is it? It’s what’s been causing a lot of pain for me and Ms. Sexy X, more for her though. It is cancer. That’s the big “secret” I’ve been saying I’d explain later. She’s been undergoing treatment for months now. The reason her communication had grown sparse was because of chemotherapy.
I did get a response back on my third option. Her mom sounded like usual in the email which was great but she gave me the update which wasn’t.
Ms. Sexy X had to undergo surgery (sooner than she wanted to due to a seizure) to debulk. The doctors didn’t want to wait any longer and they removed some but not as much as they wanted. She underwent a second surgery and again the doctors felt they could get more so she will now undergo a third surgery. I’m scared shitless. I have every ounce of faith in her, she’s tough as hell. I have faith in the doctors. I’m just afraid, period. I do believe she’ll come through this alright. I do. I guess this is where the plunge is before the ride and I’m just holding my breath.
I miss her now more than ever. I can’t tell you how much this hurts to be so far away, no where near her while she undergoes surgery. I feel so god damned helpless. I need her.
Why did I withhold this information? Well I’m not sure anyone reads this blog anyways. I get a ton of hits from stupid webcrawlers and bots which annoys me. I don’t know, this is just private information and not something I want to share. It pains me. It pains me to know she’s in pain.
Cancer is so evil. What causes it? Why would your own body attack you like that? What’s the logic in it? There is none. It’s a parasite, pure and simple. Note the title here? Hetfield said it best in that song. You feed it once and it stays. It hates you so hold me. Hold her, that’s all I want to do is hold her.
I’ve never really hated anyone or anything. Now I do. I hate cancer. I absolutely despise it. The only thing that can threaten my Ms. Sexy X that I can’t possibly protect her from… and it happens. It’s just an evil disease. How many times have you turned on the news to see someone else died from cancer? If I could eat her cancer, I would without hesitation. The pain is so excruiciating knowing she is in pain. God damnit why? Why? There is no reason why but to do or die. I know that’s in reference to something else but it applies here and that’s all there is. It happened so live with it. She will beat this fucking disease.
The only anger I hold is towards these fucking rampant cells. Sigh.
Ms. Sexy X, I love you.
