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Archive for October, 2009

Anxious

Friday, October 16th, 2009

I feel like I have way too much time and never enough time simultaneously. There are things I have to do that I put off. I woke up late today so I won’t get a chance. I need to make an appointment and also reserve a room and some other things. It’s my anxiety that is catching up to me.

Today is another drab day like the past fucking week. It’s fucking cold, it’s fucking overcast, it’s fucking wet out. This has been a shitty autumn so far. I don’t mind cooler weather but it’s generally takes longer to get this cool and it’s usually sunny at least part of the fucking day. Fuck.

I’m definitely feeling lonely and depressed. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m thinking about leaving. There’s nothing left for me here. Where I go, I know not. I know of a place to start though that may not be my final stop. I hope that it is but circumstances will dictate. I’m nervous because what this means is I’m leaving my safety zone and starting fresh. I’m fine with that. I have to get some things done here first. I’m restless, I can’t take this anymore. I don’t mind waiting, that’s a whole seperate thing but I’m unsatisfied here, I’ve been unsatisfied here. I can’t get no satisfaction anymore if I stay. I must go.

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I’ll Be Dipped

Thursday, October 15th, 2009

I’ve gone a whole day without my site getting hijacked. I don’t know, maybe it’s done with now.

It’s been a week now since I heard from Ms. Sexy X. Again, I don’t expect to hear from her for quite a while… perhaps exactly a month from today. It sucks big time. I’m hoping she will at least drop a text or two like she did last Thursday, that always helps.

I made some lasagna. I was playing around with the sauce and added a bit too much garlic and spices. It’s good, don’t get me wrong, just strong. It took me a hour and a half to make, I had to rush it because it needed to go in the crockpot for 3.5 hours and I had to go by then so I went 3 hours and it came out fine. It appears I could have gone less, probably 2.5 hours.

I’m feeling kind of blank right now. I just woke up not too long ago and fell back asleep for a short nap. When I do that and I’m all warm like this I tend to dream. It was a great dream though, it was about my Ms. Sexy X and our first kiss. It lasted forever, I didn’t want to stop. Sigh.

I’m just going to be lazy. I’ll eat breakfast and shower, I have to. But then I’ll lay in bed. Fuck all.

Posted in Food, Ms. Sexy X, Site | No Comments »

Californication

Wednesday, October 14th, 2009

That state has so much potential and yet the flaming liberals bring it to ruins.

The RINO governor signed a law that requires sellers of ammunition to gather license information, thumbprint, and signature. They just created loads more bureaucracy to bloat the already suffering budget while simultaneously creating an invasion of privacy and hampering law abiding citizens. As if shit can’t be smuggled in… hello, how many drugs are coming in through the border at any given time? Ammunition is just as easy.

Forget getting ammunition through the mail either. I’ll be surprised if any manufacturer will want to do business with the state. I hope they will find the balls like Ronnie Barrett and just ostracize the state completely. I feel sorry for the inhabitants that aren’t in the major liberal nexii of LA and SF and suffer from their rules.

Posted in Guns | No Comments »

I Don’t Know

Wednesday, October 14th, 2009

I just haven’t a clue what to do. My site was hijacked again last night. It’s pissing me off something fierce. What can I do to secure it? Whatever this is, it chmod’d the files it needed to in order to make the changes. I had made everything read only to prevent creation of files and the changing of files. I’ve changed all my passwords now and reloaded everything. I guess setting permissions doesn’t matter if these bots can just change it. Does it somehow have my ftp password? I changed that too. How though? Maybe it’s my host… I’m not too trusting on them anymore. I may end up changing hosts after 4 years. They’ve been good thus far… it’s only after I installed this shitty software WP that I started having problems. It seems they can infect other files on my server after hitting this software.

This one is slightly different than the iframe attacks. It inserts scripts to open up the websites and download a virus. Also, it injects a bunch of nonsense into the top of the files saying something about decode base 64. All that seems to do is crash my site saying something about functions being defined twice. The nice part about that is until I fix it, no one can get a virus and once I reload the files that script is gone… so this hack doesn’t even achieve it’s purpose. It’s still a pain in the ass to reload the files every time. That takes 20 minutes to delete and re-upload.

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Mother Fucker!

Tuesday, October 13th, 2009

I’m tired of this hacker bullshit. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with Wordpress that it’s so unsecure that they allow injection of code. It’s hijacking my site and crashing it. I’ve reinstalled it twice now. I’ve got two last tricks otherwise I don’t know what to do. This is getting tiresome.

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Cleaning Frenzy

Monday, October 12th, 2009

I woke up this morning very comfortable and not wanting to get out of bed. I actually woke up way early but I finally awoke at 9AM. I managed to finally get a little more sleep until 11AM but I don’t really consider that sleep. I was well rested, I just wanted to try and get more. Anyways, what got me out of bed was a shower and breakfast. I love lounging but I need to take a shower or else I feel grimy. I settled back in bed to watch NCIS. I love that show, Michael Weatherly is by far my favorite character, he makes that show what it is. I made a to-do list and realized I needed to send off my letter. Apparently, it’s a holiday so the timing didn’t matter as the post office is closed (trying to hit the 3:30 pickup.) Oh well. Back to the letter… I had typed it up but hadn’t written it yet. I like to hand write my letters to Ms. Sexy X, it’s more special and romantic I think. Normally I don’t do a rough draft but I found it easier to get all my thoughts out because I can type much quicker than I can write and that allows me to not forget what I want to say. It took me 1.5 hours to write my letter. My hand cramps up due to my wrist injury so it’s no surprise when I have to rest it frequently. I sent the shirt with letter inside and it should arrive by Thursday. Now she won’t read it until much later so I guess it doesn’t even matter. She indicated my last letter never arrived because her cousin said she didn’t see anything. :-(

I panicked because I couldnt find a receipt for a laser printer I bought the other day on sale. I bought my brother’s old one for much cheaper so I returned this one. The receipt was where I originally thought it was, it just fell under a box somehow.

When I got back home I decided to tackle cleaning the bathrooms. No problem for mine and the other bathroom but my brother left the master bath a complete fucking mess. It was dirty nasty. I should have made his ass clean it up but I opted to. I scrubbed and scrubbed which isn’t easy when you have a bum wrist. It’s not spotless, but it is far closer to being clean than it was after only a hour and a half of cleaning.

I then vacuumed as much as I could, getting the crevices good before I put down bug spray. I’ve killed 3 wolf spiders and 2 silverfish lately so I had to get on that.

I decided to go run a mile tonight as well. Yeah, I was tired but fuck it. I ran almost the whole mile, the last hundred yards I did a full out sprint. My legs still felt fresh and my lungs felt good, I could have gone another mile or two I bet. But I just cooled down, did a little backwards running, and then took a cold shower just in time to settle down in bed to watch some Monday Night Football.

I called the Dolphins to win this, confusing the Jets D with their wildcat formations. So far that’s been working. The Jets had two major drive saving fake punts which revived the drive and led to two scores (TD and FG.) The game might be much more lopsided if it wasn’t for that. The Dolphins have been using Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams to great effect. They’ve eaten up so much clock as usual. Michael Vick would be the perfect QB for this wildcat offense. I’m impressed at the running game, that’s all it is. If they could get some good pass plays in, wow the offense would be untouchable.

I’ll probably watch a movie or something after this. I’m not sure. I’m bored and lonely. My mom called earlier today and pissed me off as usual. I’m about done with this shit. During my vacation I’m going to see if I can’t look for an apartment so I can just move. I’ll get a new phone too. Whether I disconnect the old one will depend on how much she bugs me. I don’t hate them or anything but she keeps annoying me about stupid shit and I’m just fed up.

Posted in Exercise, Family, Ms. Sexy X, NFL | No Comments »

So Cold

Sunday, October 11th, 2009

I woke up this morning warm and cozy though a little chilled. I knew as soon as I got out from under the blankets I’d be freezing. I left my fan on all night and I haven’t had the heat nor air conditioning running for days since it’s been mid fifties out. I guess it finally caught up. The thermometer read 60 but it felt colder than that. I reluctantly turned on the heat knowing full well the nice smell that would greet my nose when it’s first fired up for the season. I didn’t really get to enjoy the mid sixties, we just kind of dropped from 80s to 50s overnight.

I sat in bed all day. I took a hot shower and ate to warm up this morning but I got back in bed and read a bit of the Vampire Chronicles until 1PM. I then streamed the Steelers game on my computer. The two streams I used were okay if not a bit grainy. I tried getting the Chiefs game forever since they were beating the cowgirls and I finally got it though it was choppy as hell. I called the Bengals beating the Ravens, to my dismay and delight. I don’t like the Ravens, I want them to lose like my Steelers did. But the bungles are just embarrassing to lose to and they now have the lead in the division with 3 wins. UGH. I watched the Broncos beat the Patriots which I also called. I think I’ll buy a lotto ticket tomorrow. ;-)

I watched Surrogates which was not the best movie, a little bit trippy but kind of bland. Then I watched most of the Colts spanking the Titans. I came back to the house here to shower and finish my night with the movie 28 Weeks Later. Yes, I’m bored and on a zombie kick.

I wrote a letter that I’ll probably send out tomorrow. It will sit in Ms. Sexy X’s mailbox, though her cousin may bring the mail in. Still, she won’t read it for a while which is fine. What’s the point? I don’t know, I just want to keep sending her letters. This one is going to have a little something with it though. :-) I know she’ll like it even if she says I shouldn’t.

I’m feeling okay. Those texts the other night helped a bunch. I guess I’m just tired right now and a little blah. I’m not expecting anything for a while so anything like the other night will be a pleasantly uplifting surprise for me.

Posted in Ms. Sexy X, NFL, Steelers | No Comments »

Tie Red

Saturday, October 10th, 2009

I went running two nights ago. I had gone to sleep at around 4AM and awoken at 9AM that morning and went to work and didn’t eat a thing all day. I just wasn’t hungry. I ran a mile and a half. Yesterday I woke up and was bit tired. I really wasn’t too bad. I worked all day and came home and Ms. Sexy X texted me. :-) I texted a few things back to her but no response. After going 20 days without talking and then she was despairing… I don’t know. But getting that text I could tell her mood was better and it meant a lot to me. I honestly didn’t expect to hear from her again for quite a while, certainly not one day later.

I went to the movies with some friends to see Zombieland. I don’t care for theaters or overpriced tickets, besides most movies are okay but nothing that really interests me. I’m always down for watching a movie if it’s free so it’s not a slight against movies themselves.

Then she sent a sweet little message while there. I texted her back. She said she felt horrible and that her mom was texting. Awww crap, I felt embarrassed. But she let me know that she was reading them and not her mom. Okay, that’s cool. That was the last of the texts but I’ll take them. :-) I really hope she does that again sometime, I loooove getting them from her. Sigh.

The movie itself was funny. There were dead spots and lame humor at some points but I was amused especially at the over the top gore. I don’t think I can recommend it to go see it but if you’re one of those that goes to the movies anyways then I would recommend it.

The rules were stupid, the first was “cardio,” second is “double tap,” and third is “beware of bathrooms,” with the fourth being “seatbelts.” That just doesn’t make sense. Double tap should be number one if anything. It was done for humor but still. I’m not sure why he used a double barrel shotgun. While it’s nice, he had better weapons like automatic or pump shotguns, fully automatic machine pistols (how I’m not sure,) and of course pistols. His stance of holding it with a chicken wing was pitiful, I know he’s playing the dork role but still. What’s the deal with Woody’s sawed off lever action? You’re living with zombies and you have to cock your rifle everytime? Ever hear of carrying one in the chamber? I know, I’m getting too technical. Some of this stuff added to the humor of the film. Let’s not forget the twinkies, I was laughing at that. Twinkies are okay but sometimes I’ll have an unforgiving urge for one.

This morning I felt really tired and I still do. I worked for a few hours and now I’m watching football. I’m trying to motivate myself to do something but I’m not faring very well. I need to workout today and do a little cleaning.

I just love hearing our fearless leader getting the Nobel Peace Prize for his whole 9 months in office. It must be nice to be black, affirmative action apparently reaches all the way to Geneva. Who am I kidding? The ultra liberal europeans are leading that pack. Meanwhile there’s hundreds of people slaving away to make the world a better place and what do they get? I know, it’s not about recognition but that’s just fucking harsh. /rant

Posted in Exercise, Guns, Ms. Sexy X, Myself | No Comments »

One Day Later

Friday, October 9th, 2009

Ms. Sexy X called me after midnight yesterday. We talked for over 3 hours. She was despairing and it sucked. She was unsure what’s going on and doesn’t want me to wait or drag me through it. She doesn’t realize that she’s not dragging me anywhere, I’m doing this of my own accord and I will wait. I think I was being too pushy so I feel a bit bad about that. We’re just taking it a day at a time. That’s what I’m asking of her.

I don’t know when she’ll call next. Between chemotherapy until her next surgery, she says she just won’t be in the mood to talk. She had to take pain medication just to talk last night and she said it’d mess up her day tomorrow. I won’t ask her too, I told her that. It could be over a month before I hear from her again. There’s no telling. Yes, it sucks bad.

I was super depressed this morning. The more I thought about it the better I feel though. I got to talk with her which was wonderful. Yes, there was the serious talk which sucks but we were both mature about it. I know there’s uncertainty, but that really is life. We’ll take it a day at a time. I am not demanding, I don’t need to be #1 and I let her know that. I’ll treat her as such, as much as possible but there will be times that we’re busy, etc. I’m no idiot.

The majority of the talk was just chitchat and it was great. I love listening to her talk. I love hearing her smile. When she’s happy, I am ecstatic. That’s all I want – her happiness.

Where does that leave me now? Well, waiting. I figure I’ll write a letter every now and then, I already have some planned out as far as how they’ll go. I have a small package to send her. I can only go on continuing to live life as always. I’m debating on moving, that’s not just because of her but it certainly helps. I feel okay about this. I mean, it’s not ideal as I’ve written before. But I won’t push her and she’ll come around when she starts to feel better. The only thing I can do is give her time… which means waiting. It sucks and I’m impatient but fuck it.

She wants me to cancel my trip. She hasn’t checked her email and we talked so long ago she didn’t realize I booked it earlier, I believe that upset her. Gawd, I’m an idiot. I’ll look into it tomorrow I guess. However, if they won’t refund my ticket I’m going out there. I know she won’t be there but hell, it’s a vacation and I’ll have fun. I’m considering going out there regardless but I’ll check first, I believe it’s non-refundable. I need a break and that’ll surely do it, being in a nice warm spot as the temperature drops here. Yessireebob! Yeah, I just threw that one in there. Back off!

I ran tonight only running 1.5 miles. I think I could have gone further, my breathing wasn’t perfect so it was the side that hurt first. Besides, I already made up my mind that I didn’t want to go further before the run. I ran backwards some. That was fun, it is quite hard and it definitely works the calf muscles. The only drawback was the sidewalk I run on is changing elevation and it’s got some twists in it. I didn’t want to trip and hurt myself.

I haven’t eaten all day. I had a Pepsi and some water and that’s it. I ran because I just wanted to get this funk out of my system. I’ve drank water since, a little Gatorade, and had a bagel. I’m full.

The depression has suppressed my appetite. I know it, I feel it. I’m feeling a little better now. I really am happy she called. It was just all the news, some of the call, and the fact that it was morning when it hit me all at once. I’m better now.

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Until It Sleeps

Thursday, October 8th, 2009

Today is the day I finally blog about it. What is it? It’s what’s been causing a lot of pain for me and Ms. Sexy X, more for her though. It is cancer. That’s the big “secret” I’ve been saying I’d explain later. She’s been undergoing treatment for months now. The reason her communication had grown sparse was because of chemotherapy.

I did get a response back on my third option. Her mom sounded like usual in the email which was great but she gave me the update which wasn’t.

Ms. Sexy X had to undergo surgery (sooner than she wanted to due to a seizure) to debulk. The doctors didn’t want to wait any longer and they removed some but not as much as they wanted. She underwent a second surgery and again the doctors felt they could get more so she will now undergo a third surgery. I’m scared shitless. I have every ounce of faith in her, she’s tough as hell. I have faith in the doctors. I’m just afraid, period. I do believe she’ll come through this alright. I do. I guess this is where the plunge is before the ride and I’m just holding my breath.

I miss her now more than ever. I can’t tell you how much this hurts to be so far away, no where near her while she undergoes surgery. I feel so god damned helpless. I need her.

Why did I withhold this information? Well I’m not sure anyone reads this blog anyways. I get a ton of hits from stupid webcrawlers and bots which annoys me. I don’t know, this is just private information and not something I want to share. It pains me. It pains me to know she’s in pain.

Cancer is so evil. What causes it? Why would your own body attack you like that? What’s the logic in it? There is none. It’s a parasite, pure and simple. Note the title here? Hetfield said it best in that song. You feed it once and it stays. It hates you so hold me. Hold her, that’s all I want to do is hold her.

I’ve never really hated anyone or anything. Now I do. I hate cancer. I absolutely despise it. The only thing that can threaten my Ms. Sexy X that I can’t possibly protect her from… and it happens. It’s just an evil disease. How many times have you turned on the news to see someone else died from cancer? If I could eat her cancer, I would without hesitation. The pain is so excruiciating knowing she is in pain. God damnit why? Why? There is no reason why but to do or die. I know that’s in reference to something else but it applies here and that’s all there is. It happened so live with it. She will beat this fucking disease.

The only anger I hold is towards these fucking rampant cells. Sigh.

Ms. Sexy X, I love you.

Posted in Health, Ms. Sexy X | No Comments »

Gut Wrenching

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

I feel like a zombie right about now. It’s not for lack of food or sleep, I’m getting plenty of both. Perhaps not as much as I should but it’s enough. It’s the weight bearing down on me. Have you ever noticed how depression so closely resembles opression? This yoke is heavy and I can’t shake it. It’s not as bad as it can be, I recognize that but it’s getting tougher and tougher to stave it off.

I still haven’t talked to Ms. Sexy X, we’re going on 19 days now. This is without a doubt the longest amount of time with zero communication. I don’t understand. The last time we talked everything seemed fine. What the hell is going on? I’m honestly scared out of my wits. I have one fear and this is it, pinging hard. I’m trying so very hard but I have no idea what to do? How do I get in touch with her? I decided if it goes three weeks I’m taking the third option which is no guarantee at all. My heart is racing a million miles a hour in complete worry for her.

I left a voicemail just now. I don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss. Did I do something wrong? Like I said, last time we talked she seemed to be in a wonderful mood and everything was fine. Then nothing. What the hell does that mean?

UPDATE: On suggestion of a friend he told me to take option 3. Afterall, her mom is an emergency contact and I might as well. I hope it sounded cordial and not too desperate. I’m more scared of her not answering than anything else as far as the email goes. I’m more scared if for some reason MSX is mad at me for something… though I can’t imagine what.

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Down in a Hole

Tuesday, October 6th, 2009

That’s such a great song. The way Cantrell sings “woooomb… holding rare flowers in a toooooomb” you can feel the pain in the voice. The lyrics are great, the music and guitars are great, the voice is perfect. If I had to pick one complete album among all artists that’s the best, Dirt would be it. Every song on there is great, this one the best of them.

There’s a caveat though. When you’re depressed, this song just holds you there in that suspension of nothingness. It doesn’t make me feel more depressed but it doesn’t lift either. It just sums up how I’m feeling – so fucking perfectly that it is scary. That’s how you know you’ve made a great song, when people can connect. Unfortunately, I don’t want to connect to this song but I do. I mentioned how I liked this song to Ms. Sexy X once and she said she listened to it a lot to0 after… something happened a few years ago. I know why she did as I’m doing it now and I’ve done it before so I understood her meaning immediately. Your mind goes to certain music at certain times because of certain moods. Say that 5 times fast. ;-)

“I give this part of me for yooooooooooooooou…”

I was in the shower singing the song in my head, watching the droplets form on the side and run down. I was entranced. I don’t know if a tear ran down my cheek or if it was water. It felt like water but it ran perfectly from my tear duct down… if I shed a tear I didn’t know it. It felt very surreal, like I was watching myself from outside the shower.

I guard her heart with my own.

Posted in Ms. Sexy X, Music | No Comments »

My Beautiful Disaster