Where does it all start and stop? I’m afraid if Ms. Sexy X breaks it off of where I will go. I know the future isn’t hopeless but there will always be a hole that cannot be filled. I’ve been picky with whom I want to date, lowering my standards resulted in utter failure which I knew to be a mistake. Lo and behold along comes Ms. Sexy X and she’s everything I’ve been looking for and then some all in one package. She’s far from a package – I adore her intelligence and thought process. To clarify she isn’t breaking it off, she stated as such. She is just unsure where to go and filling me in on what she’s thinking. It’s tought but I’m glad she’s informing me so we can talk it out. I would do anything for her and that includes dropping everything and going to her. She just has to say the word.
Right now I’m listening to Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons.” I have no idea who is preforming it nor do I care. I just love listening to the violins. It’s both cheerful and depressing, I suppose you can hit every emotion through the sound of the violin. I love guitars too but there’s something about classical music – though I can’t stand to listen to it for too long.
I’m not even sure where my day has gone. I worked out for about an hour, I know I’ve spent 2 hours watching a show but I can’t really account for 4 hours. I ate some, cleaned a little, watched some ESPN but what else? I know I spent some time on the computer. I don’t know nor do I really care. I’m trying to figure out how to get out of this place. It’s a scary proposition. At one time I had no qualms because I had a plan. Now I don’t, I’m just going to wing it. Given my anxiety, I can’t believe I’m doing that but I shall.
I wish I had money. Not even a lot, just enough to do what I need to do. I’ve got enough to barely scrape by. That’s fine, I’m not asking for a lot. I’d like more to enjoy myself, granted. But I want more so I can be with Ms. Sexy X. But how? I need something and in a legal way. It’ll just take time and that’s what I’m scared of. I can’t believe it could come down to this, surely not. It’s not a deal breaker but just another hurdle to leap over, nothing that can’t be solved by some resolve. I haven’t talked with her since but I’m at a loss.
