Here’s the deal. It’s been about 35 hours since our talk and I’ve had a chance to think and calm down some. At work all I could do was think. I had distractions for a while but my brain worked overtime to come up with a solution. I came up with two ideas but I’m not counting on either one right now. I’ll found out in a while I guess. I’m still trying to think of something else. As a funny but sad desperation act I bought a lottery ticket. Who knows. That would solve my problems instantly. I don’t want nor need money, except just enough to get me where I need to be. The question is would she finally be okay or would something else come up? I don’t know. Fuck, I wish I had wisdom and answers. I’m tired of not knowing.
I’m bound and determined to pick up and move. That’ll depend on the two things above or if I come up with another idea in the mean time. A certain Tom Petty line comes to mind “I’m tired of screwing up, I’m tired of going down, I’m tired of myself, I’m tired of this town.” I’ve got to keep moving on.
I went to sleep early last night a little after 1AM. I woke up before 9AM. I just wanted to sleep. I finally got up at 10AM but I didn’t really get any sleep. I was just pissed off. My refuge left me and I tried but I couldn’t help but think and lay there. Fuck. Again, I wish I didn’t wake up but it wasn’t anything like yesterday morning’s feeling. Today I just wanted more sleep even though I’m not tired. It’d still be nice to be in suspension.
I’m tired mentally. I have tried and I will continue to try. I’m not despairing yet but I can see that being an easy step if she won’t help. I have to keep going strong.
After work I decided to go to a friends house to watch college football. I’m glad I did, I needed the distraction. Everytime I started to think I purposely struck up a conversation to keep my mind busy elsewhere. No one asked me any questions. A guy at work was asking questions two days ago but I didn’t really answer him. It’s just that I don’t feel comfortable talking about relationships to others, hell I really don’t want to listen about other people’s. Then I have the issue of it being long distance and I have my share of problems and I just don’t want to open myself up to discussion. I love her deeply but how do I explain that to them? I’ll openly admit to having her as a girlfriend but don’t expect details. Anyways, that provided distraction up until I got to my car and drove home. From there I showered and got in bed to type up a journal entry then I went to sleep.
This morning I don’t know what I’ll be doing. I have 2 hours to burn before I go to a local bar. No, I’m not drinking. I haven’t had a drop to drink in a good 2 weeks now. I don’t plan on drinking any more alcohol for a long while. It saves money for one and it’s also a depressant so it’s good to avoid on both those reasons. I’m going there because they’ll show all the NFL games and I can catch my Steelers playing. I welcome the distraction of the game.
I couldn’t care less if I missed the rest of their games and missed all the TV shows I’ve been following and moved away if I were with Ms. Sexy X. I don’t need that other junk. That’s saying a lot considering I love watching football especially the Steelers.
Now I’m rambling again. I guess now is as good as place as any to stop this entry. Typing helps alleviate the pain. I don’t know what to do anymore. I hate money. That’s the catch-22 since I need it and money in of itself isn’t bad. That probably makes no sense. Fuck it.
