October « 2009 « My Beautiful Disaster

Archive for October, 2009

Sin City

Friday, October 30th, 2009

Here I am sitting by the baggage claims of LAS. I came to visit Ms. Sexy X but she’s not here. I’ll make the best of my trip regardless.

I delayed my first flight, I arrived late and got held up at security. Score one for me today. I was afraid I’d miss my flight but this very nice woman kept the plane waiting. To be truthful, I probably only delayed the flight 5 minutes but it’s still embarrassing. My only saving grace is the fact that I had the first seat so I could just plop down. I talked with the flight attendent quite a bit, he was a nice guy. I didn’t want to talk but I was kind of forced to and in the end I knew it wouldn’t be all bad. I don’t regret it.

My second flight went smoothly. It was about an hour layover but it seemed like it went quick. I had to check my bag because I overstuffed it. I didn’t get charged for it which is nice. I took my laptop bag on and watched Public Enemies. Of course there’s a good half hour after takeoff until they let you use electronics and a half hour before landing where you must turn off so I didn’t finish that long movie in the air.

That brings me to this point, tired and wanting to go to my motel. Unfortunately, I have to wait on a certain shuttle and then it’s another two hours to my final destination.

I haven’t heard from Ms. Sexy X in 2 weeks but that’s expected. I emailed her mom for an update to which I received a reply yesterday afternoon. It was very terse saying that she’s ending all contact with me and she wishes me the best. Oooookay? All I did was ask her how Ms. Sexy X was doing… the last time we exchanged emails things went absolutely swell. My only guess is Ms. Sexy X was uncomfortable with me talking to her mom. Hey, I’d feel the same way if my mom did that so it’s all whatever. The problem is that it’s only speculation at this point. I have faith in her so I won’t read into it anymore than I have. It has bummed me out a little bit because it was from left field and felt like a punch to the gut. It’s alright though… I hope.

I’d like to get up and go do something but I’m a bit out of my element and I’m alone. That really blows. I plan on crashing when I get to the motel. Fuck it all.

Posted in Leisure, Ms. Sexy X, Myself | No Comments »

Time Keeps Slipping

Tuesday, October 27th, 2009

I keep slipping into nothingness. It’s really difficult to explain how I feel right now. It’s not depression, at least not the traditional depression. I am sad and I do feel like crying but that won’t come. I’m worried. I yearn for a phone call, to just hear her voice. On that same token I’m deathly afraid she might say something I don’t want to hear given the last two times she’s called. That said, I honestly don’t think I have anything to worry about but my anxiety will do that to me no matter what. It’s stupid, I know.

I’m about to leave to go where she was but is no more. That sucks big time. She’ll be back sometime but after I’ve left. I’m trying hard but I don’t know what to do.

I want to wrap myself in her and breathe every trickle of her into me. I want to feel her running through my veins with each pulse of her heartbeat.

And yet I’m stuck her. Why do I feel like I’m treading water but in quicksand?

Posted in Thoughts | No Comments »

BOOM Headshot!

Monday, October 26th, 2009

I went to the range yesterday night with a friend. I took my Savage .308WIN out there. The last time I shot it I should have been zeroed at 300 yards… I had been shooting at 600 yards over a year ago with that zero. I must have taken it once more thereafter because it was perfectly zeroed at 100 yards much to my surprise. I took 3 shots at the 300 yard target and didn’t see a thing. I decided to paper it at 100 yards (after shooting 200 yards and watching it hit paper 3″ low) when I shot a perfect MOA group at the top right of the bullseye. Whoops! So I dialed in at 200 yards and it was there but a bit to the right. I brought it left and put a nice MOA group slightly to the left of the bullseye though one bullet went dead center. Sweet! I dialed in for 300 yards and I had a CD as my bullseye. All three punched right through it though I couldn’t spot it in my scope. It formed a slight triangle and was within 3″ so barely MOA. Wow! I guess I still have my touch. These were my 175 grain handloads.

I switched to some Federal I bought last year. They were 150 grain if memory serves me right. I didn’t have the ballistics on hand (I made a chart for my loads) but needless to say they ended up shooting higher than expected. My 100 yard zero shot a good 2.5″ high. I believe they’ll have more velocity and shoot flatter at the shorter ranges so that sounds about right. I made a note of it in case I should want to switch in the future.

It may be capable of sub-MOA groups but I probably don’t have the skill necessary. I let my eye fatigue (the low light did not help) and I did jerk one shot really far off. I think I shot 22 rounds total. All I know is I need to reload back to that one recipe and maybe tweak from there.

Posted in Guns | No Comments »

NFL Week 7: Vikings At Steelers

Sunday, October 25th, 2009

The first touchdown to Holmes was called back due to a flag on Heath Miller saying he picked a defender. The DB contained Miller to one path and the other DB ran right into Miller. What a horrendous call.

This game is pissing me off. It’s coming down to the 4th quarter again and the Steelers fall apart. Holmes makes a great run after the catch to set up for 1st and goal. Mendenhall takes the ball and attempts to LEAP over someone for an extra yard with the goal line a good 6 yards away. Of course the ball comes out and the Vikings drive down the field. It’s 3rd down and the Vikings have an illegal shift for a 5 yard penalty but the Steelers defense stops the play 7 yards short of a first down. So with a 4th and 7 and a punt Tomlin takes the penalty and makes them repeat. Can you guess what happens? Sidney Rice makes a very nice catch with Polamalu knocking him out. The Vikings get in the red zone and I’m super pissed until the defense steps up. Keisel strips the ball from Favre, sacking him and Lamar Woodley scoops it up and run. The most impressive part was our defense swarmed and blocked everyone trying to tackle Woodley leading him to a 90 yard TD!! We should have scored on that drive anyways.

Our special teams let Harvin run a kickoff back for a touchdown. I saw some holds but the worst part was Jeff Reed had an easy tackle and he puts his hand on him and that’s it! He lets him go. That pisses me off so much so now the Vikings are within 3 again.

Favre had an impressive run back to the redzone but they were killing themselves with penalties. He tried a quick screen Chester Taylor who missed the ball and tipped into the hands of waiting Fox for the interception. He ran it all the way back to the house for a pick six! That made it a ten point game with one minute to go, effectively ending the game. Once again the Pittsburg defense steps up huge and they blocked all the way down the field for Fox. What a great ending to a great game!

Posted in NFL, Steelers | No Comments »

Time To Move Far Away

Sunday, October 25th, 2009

I fought with my mom again. She doesn’t get me nor makes any attempt to. I’m done with her.

She doesn’t understand that I don’t want to talk, that I’m independent, and that she needs to back off. Of course I get the blame for everything even when I tell her the absolute truth of the matter. I don’t care anymore.

I told her not to talk to me anymore. My dad understands me, he’s trying to fix things but I have a feeling it’s irreparable.

Posted in Family | No Comments »

Four Seasons

Friday, October 23rd, 2009

Where does it all start and stop? I’m afraid if Ms. Sexy X breaks it off of where I will go. I know the future isn’t hopeless but there will always be a hole that cannot be filled. I’ve been picky with whom I want to date, lowering my standards resulted in utter failure which I knew to be a mistake. Lo and behold along comes Ms. Sexy X and she’s everything I’ve been looking for and then some all in one package. She’s far from a package – I adore her intelligence and thought process. To clarify she isn’t breaking it off, she stated as such. She is just unsure where to go and filling me in on what she’s thinking. It’s tought but I’m glad she’s informing me so we can talk it out. I would do anything for her and that includes dropping everything and going to her. She just has to say the word.

Right now I’m listening to Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons.” I have no idea who is preforming it nor do I care. I just love listening to the violins. It’s both cheerful and depressing, I suppose you can hit every emotion through the sound of the violin. I love guitars too but there’s something about classical music – though I can’t stand to listen to it for too long.

I’m not even sure where my day has gone. I worked out for about an hour, I know I’ve spent 2 hours watching a show but I can’t really account for 4 hours. I ate some, cleaned a little, watched some ESPN but what else? I know I spent some time on the computer. I don’t know nor do I really care. I’m trying to figure out how to get out of this place. It’s a scary proposition. At one time I had no qualms because I had a plan. Now I don’t, I’m just going to wing it. Given my anxiety, I can’t believe I’m doing that but I shall.

I wish I had money. Not even a lot, just enough to do what I need to do. I’ve got enough to barely scrape by. That’s fine, I’m not asking for a lot. I’d like more to enjoy myself, granted. But I want more so I can be with Ms. Sexy X. But how? I need something and in a legal way. It’ll just take time and that’s what I’m scared of. I can’t believe it could come down to this, surely not. It’s not a deal breaker but just another hurdle to leap over, nothing that can’t be solved by some resolve. I haven’t talked with her since but I’m at a loss.

Posted in Ms. Sexy X, Music, Myself | No Comments »

Choke Out

Thursday, October 22nd, 2009

I went into work not feeling like doing shit. The machine was broke again and after spending 4.5 hours on it I gave up and went home early. That gave me from 1500 on to do whatever and with it being 70 and sunny, I opted to stay outside. What to do though? Well, it had been a while since I had a cigar so I got a glass of water, a Bolivar Cofradia No. 754, my dual torch lighter, cigar cutter, and put on some shorts and sat out on the deck. I smoked it for a good hour and twenty minutes down to the very end. It was very relaxing. I just sat outside thinking on what to do. I didn’t come up with a damned thing. I just have to take it a day at a time. I hate the uncertainty.

After that, I threw a football with my brother for about an hour. He stopped by and I was feeling energetic. So much so that I was going to go for a mile run. I don’t need to tell you that running after smoking isn’t a smart idea but fuck it. I barely made half a mile before resting for 2 minutes then running back a half mile. I was tired… not really out of breath but I figure I didn’t have a whole lot of oxygen in my system.

I went up to the roof right after to catch my breath and cool off and watch the sunset. Much to my dismay the clouds rolled in so I didn’t get to see much of anything. I went back inside and took a hot bath, I just soaked my legs for a good while before I showered. I watched the Ultimate Fighter and then watched “the Shining.” I forgot how looooooong that movie is. Jeez.

Rampage Jackson is such a dick. I don’t like him at all. He berates and berates. He is a horrible coach, he doesn’t build his guys up but merely talks smack about the opponents. It’s no wonder he is about to get sweeped just like last year. He kept calling Darrill “titties” even though his own boy Zac had bigger man boobs. Darrill is beastly for drinking that much alcohol especially when trying to get in shape to fight. Stupid. I wanted Zac to win, he’s a bit of a social outcast. He looked okay in the fight but kept his guard too low and took too many quick shots to the face. He had the nice and much needed takedown to escape defeat and he hammerfisted nicely. You could see how tired or dazed he was. He allowed himself to get into a triangle choke within Darrill’s legs. He held on for a long time but made no attempt to break it and Darrill finally got the extra leverage using his arm to help choke him out. Oh well. I like Rashad and I think he could easily kick Rampage’s ass especially since that pussy chickened out on the fight. (Rampage commented that Rashad wanted to hold on to the belt longer so he refused a fight. Riiiight, like he wanted to get his face destroyed by Lyoto Machida over your pansy ass… that totally makes sense.)

I slept in until 1000 today. I was happy about that. I got on my computer just fiddling around, putting off what I needed to do. There’s a song called “Breathe Into Me” by Red that I discovered and like. I finally got to writing a letter to Ms. Sexy X. Well, it was more of a poem I had written for her a while back. I have one more as well. I also sent her a long email about some stuff. I don’t know when she’ll read that as she doesn’t have access to it. I was going to send via regular mail but she won’t see that for a while and it didn’t feel right to send it through that. It took a little while for both things to get them perfect. Then I went to the hospital to fix some billing issues. I just got back and ate.

I’ve gotten a bunch out of the way today. I feel good to some extent. There’s a depression looming overhead so I can’t get too excited. I have to come up with ideas. Oy.

A new Vampire Diaries is on tonight. I like the show well enough but it’s a bit too… teen/high school/dramatic for my tastes. That said I read the books and they’re only loosely following them but I still enjoy watching them. True Blood doesn’t start again until next summer I think. So fucking far away.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkXPw_lorew

Posted in Exercise, Ms. Sexy X, Music, True Blood, UFC, Vampire Diaries, Work | No Comments »

Little Of Everything

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

Today was a waste of a day. I woke up, went to work, fiddled around with a machine for the whole shift, then went home. I’m getting impatient, I need to go.

When I got home I grabbed a Pepsi and head for the roof to watch the sunset. It was actually warm out so I had put on shorts and a T-shirt. It was pretty. All I could think of was why this is happening, how can such hate, malice, and evil thrive in a world so beautiful. It’s fucking disappointing. I was looking for inspiration on what to do, where to go. I’m at a loss really and that’s even more frustrating.

From there I went on to the back deck with a football and just threw to some chairs for a while. The deck is rather large. I threw the ball off the deck a few times for fun and ran up and down the hill to get it. I did that for a good bit, about 20 minutes I’d say. After that I did a bunch of pullups, 40 to be exact. I also did 40 knee ups. My abs are burning. I’m sure I’m strengthening them though I wish I had washboard status going on. Well, it’s no big deal but it’d be nice.

I watched the new NCIS. It was a forgettable episode. Tony (Michael) wasn’t as funny as normal. Something just seemed off about the whole episode, perhaps because it was themed? I’m not sure. I still enjoy it and the killer was easy to guess, I did right off the bat. My suspicions were confirmed the longer they went after everyone else… the lack of talking about that person made me know it’d be her.

Sons of Anarchy was pretty good. The crew were up to their shenanigans again and a lot of things happened. I’ll write up that post later. I can’t wait until next week’s. Oy.

I also watched Enemy of the State after the show. I forgot how long that movie is. It’s a classic though, I like it.

Now I’m going to go eat leftovers and I don’t know what else. Maybe I’ll go to bed early. I’m sort of tired. I just don’t want to lie here thinking. I know I’m sort of sad/depressed but I’m not letting it phase me. I’m just neutral right now. I don’t know how long I can hold myself at that. I just have to keep doing what I have to do and maybe things will fall into place. I’m trying, all I need is a chance.

Posted in Exercise, Sons of Anarchy, Thoughts, Work | No Comments »

I Hate Cleaning

Monday, October 19th, 2009

I have a love/hate relationship with cleaning. It’s so nice to have clean things, it does take your mind off of things, and there’s the personal satisfaction of doing it yourself. On the other hand it is time consuming (which can be an advantage at times,) takes hard work, usually makes you ache, you have to breathe up chemicals, you get dirty – possibly cleaning up nasty substances, and it’s boring (which can also be an advantage.) Overall, it’d be nice to have a clean place without having to do the work but I would find myself doing some of the work at times. Besides, I don’t know if I want anyone touching my stuff.

I cleaned today at work. It took hours and I made a mess and cleaned it back up after I cleaned the machine up. I’d like to get it spic and span but the angles are such that it hurts to get in there to clean and since chemicals are just put right back in it is pointless getting it spotless. I did make sure it was damned clean though. The chemicals reek and stain. It ate up all my time but I’m feeling the soreness in my bad hand.

I’m feeling better today. I have no idea where things are going, I’m going to keep trying to work hard to move forward in a good direction with my Ms. Sexy X. I have to take it one step at a time and hope she comes around. I’m trying, that’s all I can do. Yes, she is that important to me. People may not understand my resolve but when I lock onto something I want there’s no stopping me. (I mean that in a totally non-creepy way. I know, you’re laughing and saying “yeah right!”) I love her and miss her terribly. I know she knows that. I know she misses me and loves me. She’s just struggling right now and I’m stuck not being able to support her properly. I’d give up forever to touch her. I want to give the world to her but I know not how. It pains me deeply, it strikes at my manhood… my pride. Blah.

Tonight I’m going to grill up some shrimp and watch MNF at a friend’s place. That’s about 2 hours away. I think for now I’ll chill outside since it’s actually bearable and I plan on watching the sunset.

How can something so beautiful be in so much pain? A cruel twist indeed.

Posted in Ms. Sexy X, Thoughts, Work | No Comments »

Need Something

Sunday, October 18th, 2009

I’m not sure what to do for the moment. I went to a bar to watch the game. I was shaking my head on a call of no touchdown when Hines Ward caught the ball and rolled two times before losing the ball out of bounds. It makes no sense to me, he had a completion in the end zone, that’s all that should be needed. Not only that he went to the ground with possession. Once he was out it popped out but it shouldn’t matter. The Steelers settled for a field goal but that call was some bullshit. A little later on Big Ben through a ball in the middle of the zone but he overthrew Ward and it went straight into a safety’s hands. Our defense stepped up with Keisel forcing a fumble with the sack on Derek Anderson. We get the ball and Willie Parker runs it only to have the ball knocked out of his hands. Wow. So what do we do? Sack Anderson again for another forced fumble. Let’s make this a painful experience and give it to Mendenhall who gets pulled onto other players but isn’t down so a Brown can just pluck it out of his hands. Are you serious? 5 turnovers in under 4 minutes. The Steelers went on to win the game but there were some frustrating moments. The ground game never picked up but Ben looked spectacular again. He had 400+ yards in the air with 2 TD passes. There were some drops but not as many as before.

The Chiefs won over the horrible Redskins just barely. 4 field goals and at the end they sealed the deal with a sack in the end zone resulting in a safety. Congrats to them but they have a loooong way to go unfortunately. I’m happy for Ms. Sexy X since that’s her team.

The Vikings barely scraped by with a win. I wouldn’t mind seeing them lose but since it was the Ravens… I’m glad they did win. The ratbirds put on a helluva 4th quarter to come way back and gain the lead. Favre gets the team into field goal distance where Longwell seals the deal. Flacco gets them all the way down into the 30 yard range for a long field goal. Whoever did the play calling needs to be shot. The Vikings D was wore down so they should have been trying for end zone not field position. Their kicker looked scared and he shanks it left for the loss. Oh well.

Now I’m back at home and I’ve got nothing to do. I am watching the New England game but they’re just killing the Titans 45-0 at the half. Brady has had 5 TD passes in one quarter. It’s embarrassing. So I’m bored and I’m trying not to think about anything. I’ll work out in a little while. I’m a bit tired but fuck it.

Posted in NFL, Steelers | No Comments »

Cool Down

Sunday, October 18th, 2009

Here’s the deal. It’s been about 35 hours since our talk and I’ve had a chance to think and calm down some. At work all I could do was think. I had distractions for a while but my brain worked overtime to come up with a solution. I came up with two ideas but I’m not counting on either one right now. I’ll found out in a while I guess. I’m still trying to think of something else. As a funny but sad desperation act I bought a lottery ticket. Who knows. That would solve my problems instantly. I don’t want nor need money, except just enough to get me where I need to be. The question is would she finally be okay or would something else come up? I don’t know. Fuck, I wish I had wisdom and answers. I’m tired of not knowing.

I’m bound and determined to pick up and move. That’ll depend on the two things above or if I come up with another idea in the mean time. A certain Tom Petty line comes to mind “I’m tired of screwing up, I’m tired of going down, I’m tired of myself, I’m tired of this town.” I’ve got to keep moving on.

I went to sleep early last night a little after 1AM. I woke up before 9AM. I just wanted to sleep. I finally got up at 10AM but I didn’t really get any sleep. I was just pissed off. My refuge left me and I tried but I couldn’t help but think and lay there. Fuck. Again, I wish I didn’t wake up but it wasn’t anything like yesterday morning’s feeling. Today I just wanted more sleep even though I’m not tired. It’d still be nice to be in suspension.

I’m tired mentally. I have tried and I will continue to try. I’m not despairing yet but I can see that being an easy step if she won’t help. I have to keep going strong.

After work I decided to go to a friends house to watch college football. I’m glad I did, I needed the distraction. Everytime I started to think I purposely struck up a conversation to keep my mind busy elsewhere. No one asked me any questions. A guy at work was asking questions two days ago but I didn’t really answer him. It’s just that I don’t feel comfortable talking about relationships to others, hell I really don’t want to listen about other people’s. Then I have the issue of it being long distance and I have my share of problems and I just don’t want to open myself up to discussion. I love her deeply but how do I explain that to them? I’ll openly admit to having her as a girlfriend but don’t expect details. Anyways, that provided distraction up until I got to my car and drove home. From there I showered and got in bed to type up a journal entry then I went to sleep.

This morning I don’t know what I’ll be doing. I have 2 hours to burn before I go to a local bar. No, I’m not drinking. I haven’t had a drop to drink in a good 2 weeks now. I don’t plan on drinking any more alcohol for a long while. It saves money for one and it’s also a depressant so it’s good to avoid on both those reasons. I’m going there because they’ll show all the NFL games and I can catch my Steelers playing. I welcome the distraction of the game.

I couldn’t care less if I missed the rest of their games and missed all the TV shows I’ve been following and moved away if I were with Ms. Sexy X. I don’t need that other junk. That’s saying a lot considering I love watching football especially the Steelers.

Now I’m rambling again. I guess now is as good as place as any to stop this entry. Typing helps alleviate the pain. I don’t know what to do anymore. I hate money. That’s the catch-22 since I need it and money in of itself isn’t bad. That probably makes no sense. Fuck it.

Posted in Ms. Sexy X, Thoughts | No Comments »

Where Do I Go From Here?

Saturday, October 17th, 2009

I woke up today and I didn’t want to. No, I’m not tired. I just didn’t want to wake up this morning. Do you know how scary that feeling is? I don’t mean that in a suicidal way… I just want to be suspended from life. It’s my only refuge. I don’t seek out nor wish for death, that’s folly. I want quiet, I want peace, I want tranquility.

Ms. Sexy X called about 12 hours ago in the wee hours of the morning. I was awake as usual. The first part of the conversation was serious talk. She thinks there’s a gap between us. She wants to do X and thinks I should do Y. I’m trying to tell her I don’t want to do Y I want to do X with her. I’m trying to understand her but it’s so hard. My lack of money is holding me back as well. I never thought it’d come to that but that hurts. No, she doesn’t want money. It’s just that I don’t have the money to pay my own way to her. I mean I have enough but she wants to travel. At one time she was wanting to pay my way and I was refusing (just to get to her.) I’m adamant on doing that… now I’m at a loss for words and feelings. I want to travel too.

It hurts that she’ll leave me behind. It really does. I don’t know anymore. I might add to this later. I’m tired of everything. I want to crawl into a hole and just stay there. I have to fight this depression. I fucking hate money. I fucking hate cancer. Things have gone so wrong and I feel like as much as I try she’s resisting. It saddens me. Did I do something wrong?

Posted in Ms. Sexy X | No Comments »

My Beautiful Disaster