I went to bed at 2AM last night. I woke up at 5AM and sort of slept for another hour. Basically, I’m working off of 3 hours of sleep. I worked 7-4 today. I guess I was foolish to think I’d get more calls this weekend because I surely have not. I have this small depression building up and drinking some beers last night and getting little sleep did nothing for me save for making my morning depression worse. I managed to get through the day somehow. At lunch I called a friend and we talked for about 20 minutes. He helped a bunch. I hung up with him and it was hitting me so hard.
Ms. Sexy X had written a few cards to me and I read them every day without fail since I got them. (Part of my morning routine.) I had to wait until lunch to read them today so I read them after I ended the conversation with him. They put a smile back on my face. It’s so hard, I miss her so. I actually cried right before I read them. Why? I tried to call her but I got voicemail. Then I cried just a little.
Whenever she calls I still get nervous and happy at the same time. When I call, I get all nervous and excited but I also get anxiety because what if she doesn’t answer? That’s exactly what happens 90% of the time and it is killer. You might be thinking “why keep calling?” I’d rather take the chance at the 10% and feel that way than to avoid calling just so I feel good. Fuck that. I always feel so much better when she does answer. She makes me very happy.
If you’re thinking I’m not so happy right now, that’s not her doing. That’s mine and I know it. I’m a prisoner to my own mind. It sucks big time. I recognize it and there’s times I absolutely can’t do anything about it. Trust me, I’m stubborn and I’m trying. It’s a bitch.
“And if I close my mind in fear… please pry it open…”
