…to the point of agony.
I haven’t cried since last week. I also haven’t received one bit of communication from Ms. Sexy X in a week (well by midnight tonight that is.) It’s very hard. I was hoping she could throw a simple text or email my way if not a call. The situation is… delicate so I understand her not being able to. It still pangs me though. I feel like crying, I can feel the pressure building. I haven’t had chest pains in a week or more? I still have high blood pressure, I can feel that spike from time to time but it’s generally low so I’m not too worried about that. My eyes were moist last night as I lay in bed alone and they were moist right after I woke up. I’m very sad but strangely enough I didn’t break down and cry. It’s as if all my feelings were in that little bit of wetness around my tear ducts. Like I didn’t need to spill any more of it because the point had gotten across clearly.
I’m sitting on the back deck working on the fifth book of the Sookie Stackhouse Series. (Say that alliteration 5 times fast!) As usual I position myself facing the west. There is method behind the madness. I long to go west. It’s getting warmer now, 80s it feels like. The air is starting to get thicker with humidity. I don’t care. I just want to be out here where I can hear the birds and smell the breeze. I want to do that with my girlfriend so bad, just lay out here and relax… taking in the world and each other with our senses.
I might write up some reviews of the books. I’m not too good at reviewing things. I tend to be overly critical and I just can’t find the words. Some people are good at that… I mean extremely good. They know who they are even if they pretend to be modest about it.
I was hoping maybe she’d call in the next two hours but I doubt that. I was debating whether to hold out a little hope that I’d get a call tonight like last week but I seriously doubt that one… so I won’t even pretend. This sucks. I feel crushed and sad and there’s not a thing I can do about it. I hate being on the outside, so far away. Whoa, was that TWO Staind references rolled into one? Neither one was intended. Blah. Where was I? Oh yes, I feel helpless in my predicament. I have an option but it isn’t valid, not until she says the word. I hate this feeling. I feel protective and so extremely helpless that it makes me feel worthless. I don’t think she could possibly understand. Actually, I do but now isn’t the time to hash that one out.
Are there other men out there that feel that way? I’m sure. None that will ever read this.
