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Archive for July, 2009

Un-paradise

Friday, July 24th, 2009

I woke up this morning fine. I woke up early but I manage to snag another hour and a half of “sleep.” I have a few things I do when I get up as part of my routine. Afterwards, I sat out on the deck. By 9AM it was already 75 degrees which is normally nice but the humidity must make it feel like 85. Lovely. Nothing like the heat and sweat to bring out the raw emotions. I felt sad and I started to hurt a little. I’ve kept it at bay all morning. It’s gripping and grasping at me, as if it were clawing away trying to keep hold. I just ended up sitting out there for about 15 minutes then I continued with my morning. I’ve been watching True Blood for a few hours now. This show is awesome! I know my MSX loves the show. There’s definitely some humor in it, some pain, and a bunch of romance and of course VAMPIRES! I rather like the mix. I just wish I could be watching it with her. I can see the smile on her face as she watches it though and I see her in that show a bit through the characters/storyline. I won’t explain that but I’m sure she knows. Maybe that’s why she likes it, well part of the reason anyways.

I was reluctant to see Twilight but now I want to see it. I will eventually but the timing isn’t right yet. I don’t like being coy but I’m still uncomfortable with this whole blogging thing.

I’m probably going to pop some aspirin. I haven’t in a few days but this tightness in my chest is bugging me. Perhaps it’s a bad idea to eat eggs and toast with the cholesterol. I seriously think it is just stress related but I don’t know if I should watch what I eat. I shouldn’t think so, for all intents and purposes I’m perfectly healthy. I don’t know, I just want to explode. Maybe I’ll hold off on the pills, I can do this without it. They don’t seem to help anyways, it’s really all in my head.

I just want to talk with my Ms. Sexy X. I miss her so. I want to be there with her so bad, it’s unbelievable. This fucking wait is killing me. ARRRGH!

She’s so intelligent. Sometimes I think she underestimates herself because those (some) that meet her do too. To be brutally honest with myself, I’m actually impressed and jealous. Jealous isn’t the right word but I KNOW she’s smarter than I and sometimes I wonder what she thinks of me. I mean I know what she thinks of me. I don’t know. We can convey only so much through talking and we sure as hell have and continue to do so. :-) But there’s the other part that needs to complete us, we need to be in each other’s presence. Christ I’m rambling on here. Does any of that make sense? Fuck it all. I just have to wait.

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Vampire playing a Wii

Friday, July 24th, 2009

Who would have thought it? Apparently, Mr. Ball did when he created this show. Pretty darned entertaining. There’s some underlying themes that can be distracting because they’re obviously references to real topics. (God hates Fangs. GENIUS!) That gets old quick because it’s like they’re trying to press their morals onto the viewer. HOWEVER, it seems to me that it is all satire, actually making fun of people that do that. There’s a whole tongue-in-cheek Jesus thing going on and even voodoo swamp magic. It’s quite funny and I do find myself chuckling a bit.

Sam is some sort of shapeshifter. I want to say werewolf but he isn’t exactly a wolf and I don’t think the phase of the moon matters. But I think vampires and werewolves are supposed to be natural enemies which makes sense. I don’t think silver has an adverse effect on Sam though. It explains his weirdness a bit. Crap, this show is leaving me hanging at every single ending. BASTARDS!

I don’t care for the actor playing Sam. He reminds me of Ron Livingston… way too laid back for the role. I can deal with Bill but this one bugs me for some reason.

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What to say?

Thursday, July 23rd, 2009

I have some sudden bouts of depression I guess. I’m not sure what the hell you’d call it. I’ll just randomly feel really sad and I’ll start to cry. I’ve had many 3-5 second hard cries. I can’t explain it. Then there are some that last a few minutes though those I can generally see coming and stave off but sometimes it just gets to me. I hadn’t done that since this past Sunday as far as I can recall unless I did Monday morning which is a possibility. After my 30 minute call with Ms. Sexy X I was saddened because I had to go and couldn’t talk longer. I got better as the day went on. Tuesday and Wednesday were the same. I’ll have a tightness in my chest, shallow breathing like I can’t catch my breath, and chest pains. Those days weren’t that bad, I forced myself to think happy thoughts and to breathe. Wednesday night I got a call from my lady. It was only an hour long but it was wonderful. I’ll certainly take it. I was hoping she’d call this morning yet but she hasn’t and I doubt she will. I don’t expect another call to probably Sunday. I hate waiting but I must. I miss her so much. I had to go out of town real quick today and take care of some business. My anxiety was getting to me. Those pains all came back this morning but wore off and I felt better by the time my meeting came to an end a few hours later. On the drive back, however, those pains came back and with a vengeance. I found it hard to breathe and concentrate. Once I got home, I immediately went to the back deck to just sit out in this beautiful weather and I felt so much better. I’m out here now relaxing and typing and the pain is all but gone. I feel a lot better. Of course I’m thinking of my baby and how much I love her and miss her but I don’t feel bad right now. I know one day we’ll be together and I’m really hoping it’s soon. How soon? 3-4 weeks maybe. I don’t know, I never know but I have to keep hoping she’ll say the word.

Today is my day off. I’m going to do a little bit of cleaning but mainly lounge. Why not? It’s not like I have to be doing something every second. I need to relax, we all do. I can’t wait to just lounge with her. :-)

I started watching a show called “True Blood” recently. It’s lavishly titillating. It’s about vampires that “come out” and it focuses on some moving into the boonies of Louisiana. The show concept is pretty genius, I haven’t seen anything like it before. So far there seems to be a lot on vampire sexcapades… which is definitely interesting. I’d recommend it (the show, not the sex. Why? Looks a bit rough. Oh you’ll see!) I think Anna Paquin makes a good Sookie but the guy playing Bill seems too… dry, I suppose. It’s hard to say but he just doesn’t fit as a vampire or at least not for that role. I haven’t decided on the other characters yet. I love the intro, it’s brilliant. At first glance one would think it contains screenshots from the show but it’s just random scary hick stuff put to a perfect song “Bad Things” from Jace Everett. Great stuff as it just fits the show’s theme beautifully.

I’m about to watch another episode or three as I have to catch up.

I feel much better now, my breathing is back to normal and the pain dissipated.

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So shiny

Thursday, July 23rd, 2009

So Ms. Sexy X introduced me to those Crest Advanced Whitestrips. They’re very pricey. I had coupons for them and some gift cards so I got two boxes of 14 for $12. Not bad but I could have done better. Oh well. (They’re around 34.99 to 45.99 per box depending on sales.)

I’ve always been a bit self concious on my teeth. I brush every day and my dentist always says they’re healthy but I can’t help but think they’re a bit yellow shaded. I don’t smoke or anything. I drink occasionally and I normally don’t drink soda. Well, I’ve picked that back up and I don’t regret it. I LOVE Pepsi. Who doesn’t? It’s just so yummy. Well, that’s a tangent to what I was getting at. For all intents and purposes it’d seem like I wasn’t ingesting anything that would cause my teeth to be that way. So I did the 14 day Crest strips. I’m very satisfied with the results, they seemed to have worked really well.

Around day 8 I noticed a pain in my teeth. So much so that I’d literally stop what I was doing for a split second and just cringe. As it turns out, one of the side effects while you take this is sensitive teeth. That’s exactly what happened here. It’s not really “pain” but it is. The nerves are just more sensitive especially to temperature change (cold/hot.) It goes away after a few days of the last treatment. I have been applying them twice a week now since I finished the original 14 day treatment. I think I’ll drop down to once a week. They seem to be keeping the brightness and I don’t particularly care for the sensitivity the day after. I kept them on for right around the 30 minute mark. Before I didn’t time it and had them on for close to an hour but after the pain I just stuck with the directions. Here’s a before and after picture. Remember, it’s hard to keep the same lighting outside with the sun behind clouds and whatnot but you can see a definite difference.

Before treatment

After treatment

Now I won’t be embarrassed or feel lesser than my Ms. Sexy X. Granted, she doesn’t care in that way I suppose but I still like to look my best for her. That’s the least I can do especially when she looks so beautiful all the time. :-)

Posted in Health, Ms. Sexy X | No Comments »

Cold steel rain

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009

Rail, rain… close enough. It’s been raining since who knows when this morning. It’s varied from a light rain to heavy. I haven’t heard any thunder or anything. It’s 67 degrees supposedly, it’s damned cool. Normally, I don’t mind rain but that means I’m stuck inside and it’s depressive. I don’t need that right now. I’m supposed to be laying in the rain with my Ms. Sexy X. It’s bullshit that I’m here. Oy vey. How I wish, how I wish you were here.

I had a woman ask for a “Lex A R, One jigga-byte card.” I was soooo tempted to ask her if her car required 1.21 jigga-watts of power. I bit my tongue, like I do oft too much.

I saw a picture of an old man with a bird resting on his arm and then head. I couldn’t figure out how the hell he managed to get a bird to do that. He told me he raised the bird when it fell out of its nest. They keep it in the house every day and let it go every night and it comes back every morning. I thought that was really neat.

I don’t know what to do now. My chest hurts but not as much. It picks up when I go into work and I try to breathe and think happier thoughts which seems to help. I’ve resisted taking any aspirin thus far. I keep telling myself things will be alright. They will be but it just takes time… which is a bitch. I hate time - how it always works against us.

It doesn’t matter, it’s all whatever. She’ll say the word and I’ll be there. I just have to wait. And now I wait my whole lifetime, foooor yoooou.

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Randomness

Tuesday, July 21st, 2009

Today was certainly a better day. I made sure to keep a positive attitude. I woke up and opened my window to let in the sun and air. It’s weird because it’s been cool here for the past few days and it feels like fall. I’m not complaining, that’s for sure. So the first thing I do is put on some shorts and a t-shirt and go on the deck and sit on the chair and just bask in the sun and stare off into the west. I took the time to finish a book I was reading called Shooter. It’s about a sniper in the OIF war, Jack Coughlin I believe. It was a pretty good book. I didn’t like the ending, it’s sad how his wife left him. I don’t know the situation but I could feel for him. I’m guessing he just couldn’t switch off though until it was too late.

Anyhow, I finished off the book and just sat outside taking it in. I always have one thought on my mind and that’s of my Ms. Sexy X. I’m sad that I’m not with her but I was happy just because I’m so lucky to have her. She’s my everything. I cleaned up and went to work. No chest pains kicking in yet… just a slight feeling.

At work I bullshitted around for a few hours. I don’t even remember really. I got pissed at one customer who walked around me to look at something and then backed up into me (ever so lightly) and turned around without looking at me and says “excuse you.” Now I said “excuse me” just being polite even though I had been standing there. She said it almost as if she meant to say “excuse me” but I clearly heard “you.” I was instantly pissed. What the hell? I told my coworker to follow me because I’m pissed and am liable to get angrier if that woman was going to say something more but she didn’t and I didn’t give her the chance.

I was trying to loosen something up with a rubber mallet and slipped and ended up smashing my index finger. It hurt for a second but wasn’t too bad. It didn’t take long to realize I broke some blood vessels so now it’s a tad sensitive. Damn.

A bit before lunch I could feel the chest pain creeping back. It wasn’t as bad as yesterday but I could feel the “pressure” building. I just kept breathing and thinking happy thoughts and refused to pop an aspirin. That seemed to have worked. It’s been dull the rest of the day. It’s all in my mind, there’s no doubt about that. I can’t let the stress get to me, that’s not healthy. I did get pissy for one second when the phone rang and I was in the middle of a daydream about my darling. Who would dare interfere, right? Haha! Whatever.

I finally got home and cracked a brew and sat on the back deck. The sun was all but set but I still enjoyed it. I like the Dos Equis Amber, it’s pretty tasty. It’s not my favorite beer but I was in the mood for it when I got it and right then. My favorite beer? You’ll find out later. I’ll make a post just on that, I know for sure.

My supper consisted of a large apple and a bagel. It’s healthy and I’m not that hungry.

Tonight I’m just going to watch a movie or something. I’ll relax and go to sleep thinking of her. It’d almost be a perfect day, if only I had her.

Posted in Beer, Books, Ms. Sexy X | No Comments »

Catchy song!

Tuesday, July 21st, 2009

“I’m the kind to sit up in his room.
Heart sick an’ eyes filled up with blue.
I don’t know what you’ve done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you.”

Needless to say those lyrics hit home with me. I won’t go into it but damn! This song is “Bad Things” from Jace Everett. Catchy lyrics with a good voice/music to go with it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdjHwSShzsc

The brilliant True Blood intro is at this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wet5OM7RR8Q

Posted in Ms. Sexy X, Music | No Comments »

Back for seconds?

Monday, July 20th, 2009

Is it a faux pas for me to update this more than once a day? I don’t know. I don’t expect to normally do this. Who gives a shit?

I work at a big box retailer. Yeah, I know… it sucks. A job’s a job but it’s not what I want. What I want right now I can’t have so here I sit. It’s something while I wait.

Anyways, a large black man was there printing some pictures off. I was thinking this guy is some sort of athlete, you can tell. I snooped at what he was printing and I saw it was someone in a football jersey for an NFL team. Cool! It’s not every day you can meet an NFL player. I chatted with him for a few moments and asked his name and what position he played. He obliged and I told him my favorite team is the Steelers (all you haters can close your browser now!) and he joked his favorite was the 49ers before he went pro. Nice burn! He was nice and polite. I was impressed. I should have reminded him the Steelers have one more ring now than the 49ers but I’m sure he knows. ;-)

There’s this one crazy lady that comes in, this is the second time I’ve seen her. You can’t miss her, she totes around a dolly with 3 printer paper boxes bungeed to the dolly and a giant purse thing on top. You heard me! I have no idea why but it’s so scary that I laugh. A friend teased me because he thought those boxes were filled with pictures when I helped her the first time. They were not. Well she came back in today and I thought “Oh fuck, you have got to be kidding me.” She starts breaking down her dolly there and I see the boxes have a ton of pictures in them and I’m thinking “OH HELL NO!” The way she talks is very polite but strange. She’s not all there, I’m sure of it, but there’s no way I can be mean to her. I ask how many she needs help with. Only three pictures she tells me. I breathe a sigh of relief and get it done with. There was some initial confusion on how many of each but I just did it and she went along with it. For example I start and she’ll say “hold on now, hang on. I’m almost done, hold on.” She’ll ramble that as if I’m prodding her and I’m not. It’s weird. I helped her and then moved on. She kind of stood around messing with her stuff. Last time she kept trying to talk and she talked to some random old people who finally had enough and left. It was sad and funny at the same time.

I don’t get why some people are rude in general. This lady was using a machine for 2 hours. Whatever. But I’m closing down and I let one guy wait so he can print one picture off, I felt like being generous even though I could easily turn him away. Well, she starts a NEW order and makes him wait until the last minute. Granted, she planned on doing that fairly quick order earlier but she clearly heard me ask him how many he was doing and his response of 1. He ended up getting 2, but that’s neither here nor there. I know she isn’t obligated and I guess it’s not technically rude but I saw an opportunity to at least be courteous.

I can’t go a post without mentiong my love. Well, I suppose I can but not tonight anyways. I listened to Heart’s “Crazy on You” song. It’s stuck in my head. There are quite a few songs that both Ms. Sexy X and I love that remind us of each other. I won’t mention them yet, maybe not ever. It’s special to me so I don’t know if I want to share that. That’s our thing. We have a lot of those and the thought behind stuff like that makes it so much better. I can’t do a good job of explaining that but we both know and that’s all that matters.

I thought of her all day. I think of her every day. Is it a bad thing? Hell no. In fact, it’s awwwesome! True, I’m heart sick but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. The only thing that could be better is to actually be with her. That 30 minutes was not long enough and I find myself mulling over that. I’m trying not to but it’s probably going to be another week before I can talk to her. I miss her voice already. I miss her. She did sound wonderful tonight. Granted, it’s not as good as normal but she did sound good which always makes me happy.

Tonight I’ll probably just watch another episode of the Shield. I love that show. Too bad it’s over. I’m going to get a show called “True Blood” and start watching that. ;-)

Sometime I’ll have to work on my coupons. WHAT? You heard me! She got me into them. It’s actually as much fun as it is time consuming and it’s surely both. But it saves a ton of money which I have very little of. It’s just another thing I absolutely love about my Ms. Sexy X!

Here’s a link to that song before I forget.

http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=9Ipv2gb3rJI

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First leap…

Monday, July 20th, 2009

This is my first entry. I’m not sure how this whole blogging thing goes.

I won’t start from the beginning. There’s just too much to type and I’m starting from right now.

There’s this wonderful woman that I’ll call Ms. Sexy X in my life. We’ve been talking for months now but we haven’t met. This is a new situation for the both of us. We were going to try a few times but one thing or another happened and then we didn’t. I regret not just going but I have to respect her wishes. I didn’t really believe in the concept of soulmates, not until I started talking with her. People might ask how the hell I can even think that if I haven’t even met her face to face. You just know. I’ve spent so many hours talking with her, it’s amazing considering the fact I hate talking on the phone. She makes me feel great about being me. I love her without a doubt. It’s weird typing this in the open but who’s going to read this? No one. Ha.

Have I gone on too long? I don’t know. Like I said this is new to me.

I’ve been having chest pains for a week now. I get anxiety attacks and am prone to depression, this is nothing new to me. The chest pains, however, is completely new. It’s the stress of the situation. The situation. What is that? I can’t say. I might hint around it later on. As this is the first post I don’t think it’d be proper to dive right in and it’s all very personal.

My life is pretty damned boring right now. I have all the excitement I need in my Ms. Sexy X but unfortunately we’re stuck on opposite sides of the earth it seems like. I would cross oceans for her… it’s just a matter of her telling me one word. What’s that one word? I’ll never tell. That’s our little thing. It’s short, it’s simple, it sums everything up.

I haven’t been able to talk to her for a week. I did today for 30 minutes which is not nearly enough time. Unfortunately, I was stuck at work and “the situation” doesn’t give her much opportunity at all right now to call. I feel really bad because I know this will probably be the last time we’ll talk for at least a week. You don’t realize how much that sucks. I think the stress is what’s causing my pain. I guess there is such a thing as being heart sick, huh? I think I have 3 direct relatives that died of heart related problems which doesn’t exactly soothe me. Ha, but I doubt I’m having problems at this age. I know exactly what will fix it but it’s the one thing I can’t have. Someone suggested I talk about it and literally “get it off my chest.” Well, there’s just no one I can talk to about this. I’m laying down right now and am just taking it easy as I type this. I have to get back to work in an hour.

This blog will be a bit of everything if I think of it. Hopefully, I’ll type more here. I just miss my baby so bad. I love my Ms. Sexy X.

Well I guess that’s it for my first entry. Do I put some sort of ending on here? Hell if I know. You get what I give you. ;-)

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I wish you were here

Sunday, July 19th, 2009

My first official post will be tomorrow. I’m just setting this up and learning it. This blog is meant to be private and yet for anyone to see. Does that make sense? If not, then this isn’t for you.

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My Beautiful Disaster