My Beautiful Disaster

I guess I’m going for an unprecedented three posts in one day! Crazy, huh?

I had 4 breakdowns today. They last about a second, my eyes got moist but no tears and I sobbed for a second, literally. I can feel the sadness swell up inside of me and then burst. It’s weird.

I upset my Ms. Sexy X some. I can’t go into the details. Again, I’m just weird about blogging and part of the problem is saying too much. I haven’t but I want to take care not to. I’m sure that just flew above your head.

Have you ever come home alone? I’m sure you have. I know I do. I come home to an empty house every single day. I hate it. I hate being alone. I’m naturally a loner though so I don’t show it bothering me… but deep down inside I hate it. I’m not desperate enough to just go grab anyone off the street either. That gets too messy, trust me. I won’t settle, that’s a mistake and I know it is. With Ms. Sexy X I’m surely not settling, in fact she is so high above me that I’m often scared I’m not good enough for her. She assures me that she thinks the same of me so in a way we’re perfect for each other. But this doesn’t change the fact that I come home to no one, the fact that I fall asleep in an empty bed. It sucks but it’s so much worse because I should be walking in the door to see my baby, to be able to feel her touch and lay down next to her and breathe her in. It feels like someone is taking a chainsaw to my very soul every fucking second that I’m not with her. It’s horrible. It’s worse knowing that I COULD be. Fuck this fucking situation. Life isn’t fair at all. My darling shouldn’t have to suffer nor should I.

I wish she’d say the word. I wish it all the time.

I can say without a doubt that talking about problems with someone you trust will help. Unfortunately, I have no one that fits that bill except for her and she’s the only one I can’t just call up because of the situation. Fuck this god damned irony. I wish it was easy as “Carpe Diem” because I could do that. Guys want to fix problems, that’s what I want to do. But I can’t just seize the day, I can’t just go. She doesn’t want it yet and that’s what I’m waiting on. I have absolutely nothing holding me back except for her. Why not just surprise her? She doesn’t like surprises and I respect her way too much to do that. I’d give up forever to touch her, I can promise you that.

So if you’re out there, just nod if you can hear me… is there anyone at home?

This entry was posted on Friday, July 24th, 2009 at 22:23 and is filed under Ms. Sexy X. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.