My Beautiful Disaster

It sure ain’t margaritaville, that’s for damned sure.

I’m a tad upset. Not at my darling. More so at myself for getting my expectations up so that they may crash down. I know things don’t work out at times, so why do I do it? Everyone deserves some hope. I’m not sure why she didn’t call. I might ask her, I might not. Is it important? It is but in a trivial way I suppose. All I know is she said “maybe” which is usually yes but not always. This was just one of those times. Fuck. I just want to be with her, from the depths of my gut, my mind, my soul… whatever the hell you want to call it I have this urge to be with her and it is guided by pain for every second I’m not. Since I can’t be, talking with her is the only thing that subsides it. I love hearing her and taking her in, she relaxes me and makes me feel wonderful. She is a great person and I LOVE listening to her. I love talking with her. She’s so intelligent, she won’t let me dote on her a lot but I still do – and do I ever! Anyone that talks down to her doesn’t realize what a fool they really are.

I don’t expect her to call today. I’m not depressed or down (well maybe a tiny bit) but that’s because I won’t let it get to me. Thus far it has been a beautiful day. It feels like fall with the wind and temperature though the temperature is a bit warm and humid… but it still feels like autumn. Another light rain is coming down. I’ll go stand out in it after this post. I often stand in the rain, I’ve done it before but moreso now because it reminds me of my Ms. Sexy X.

I’m sort of a traditionalist if that’s the right word. I treat women with respect and dignity. I want to be one of those that gets the door for her, walks on the left side of her, protects and shields her. I know she likes that. I also know she is feircely independent which I love about her too. So I have to balance that and it is very tricky. I don’t want to offend her by making her feel helpless, my god she is faaaar from that. I am pretty sure it is a guy thing, probably in our instinct. Women do funny things and it can be irritating but I laugh. She’s not infallible to them though she tries. I’m the same way, I don’t try to do somethings but I still do. The important part is we work on it and we don’t get too razzed about it. She’s so completely understanding that it’s remarkable. She is THE perfect woman for me.

Do I love her? YOU BET!

I’m trying to add a Google search bar here just to offset the cost of this. It’ll be nothing special, hopefully it might just cover the cost, if nothing else maybe I’ll get some pennies out of it. The problem I’m having is getting the code on here. Since I just used some sort of auto setup stuff for WordPress now I have to figure out how to get the code on this page. I’ve dealt plenty with computers and programming but I’ve gotten lazy and I really, really don’t care to learn more. I’m done with programming but now I’m looking for an answer without trying to learn. I want a quick fix. Ugh.

Today has been a good day. I woke up happy and I was looking forward to a call all day. Now she didn’t say she’d call today but I was kind of hoping she would. I wanted her to call on my lunch but she didn’t. Like I said she went out shopping. That’s fine by me. :-) I assume she’s home by now but I don’t know if she shall call or not. I’m betting she might fall asleep.

The only thing that got to me today was a little chest pain. I’m not sure why. That was surprising as I was far from stressed out, especially today. I was feeling a little upset later on when I got to thinking about our situation and how it went so wrong. I was thinking of how I was planning things to go so perfectly and then a huge ass wrench was just thrown in. But that’s life and unfortunately it’s unfair at times. Things will be rectified though. I will be with my Ms. Sexy X, I love her with all of my heart. The thing that bugs me is how lonely I am. I see other couples walking around. I see them with kids, I see wedding photos, vacation photos, etc. I can’t stand to look at them. It’s not fair, that should be us making memories together. We should be, it shouldn’t be postponed like it is. That kind of stuff just gets to me and then coming home to an empty house and empty bed. I hate it. I look for her but she isn’t here. I’d cut across the big blue sky straight to her right now if she’d say the word. That one little word. Fuck. She knows it, it’s been on the tip of her tongue many times before, I know it has been. Ha, I’m getting all huffy again. This sucks!

Work was dead today. I don’t mind it really. I mean I get paid to essentially do nothing… then again I’m getting paid practically nothing so I guess it equals out. But it gives me lots of time to just sit there and think about MSX. What can I say? I love it! Sure, I’ll be sad from time to time thinking about the above but I’m always smiling when I think of her. She makes me feel like I have a million sunrises swelling up inside of me. :-D

Sometimes I question why I couldn’t have met her sooner. God, I wish could have but then I realize the timing was perfect for the both of us. The only thing that messed things up was the development of this “situation.” It sucks but it happened and we have to both fight through it together. Perhaps I’ll go into that someday – sooner or later I know not.

I know I want to be with her forever. There isn’t a doubt in my mind. :-)

Yesterday was a great day. As I said previously I got to talk to her twice. She did call again like she said she would and it was a fun conversation, it is soooo good hearing her smile on the other end. She was teasing and laughing, it is wonderful! She had to go after an hour though but she said she might call back. Generally I take that as she will call back, especially since a new episode of True Blood came on and we were going to talk about it. :-)

Unfortunately, that call never came. I’m not sure why. I have 2 guesses and I can’t be mad at her if it’s either one. I was kind of hoping for just a message at least or a very quick call, just something to settle the mind. I stayed up until 3AM waiting for that and I knew if I didn’t get it by then chances are I’d get nothing. I would have gladly stayed up all night but I knew there wasn’t a point. I’m hoping she might call yet this morning, even for a very brief call. That’d be most wonderful. I miss her already. :-( I’ll get to the episode in a consecutive post.

For now I’m just sitting on the back deck enjoying the cool weather before it warms up. We’re having an unusually cool period in the past week which has been great. It’s going to end soon though more rain is coming so perhaps there’s a chance it’ll go back to like this in a few days.

My neighbors on one side are dicks. She doesn’t like me. She was walking in her backyard when I glanced over out of the corner of my eye and she realized I was sitting out here, she turned and practically ran back in the house! I laughed to myself, am I really that bad that she has to not enjoy being in her own yard? I don’t even talk to her. Weird, weird, weird.

I can’t wait to be with my Ms. Sexy X. I can’t wait to wake up every day next to her and go out on the back patio and sit with her. I should have been doing just that 2 months ago. Life is a bunch of bullshit and extremely unfair.

The good thing about yesterday and so far today is that I haven’t had any chest pains. My blood pressure is still up but it’s not too bad I guess. The lack of pain is good.

Today is a most beautiful day. The morning is generally tough because the first thing I do when I get up is I’m immediately thinking of my Ms. Sexy X. I check my phone for any messages (which there are none.) I have her picture by my bed which is the first thing I see when I wake up. That’s tough because I do want her face to be the first thing I see but I want her to be beside me so I can kiss her. She is the first and last thing I see and think of every day. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I just got off the phone with her. It was only an hour and a half but every second is a slice of heaven. I didn’t want to hang up but I did. The second I did I broke down and cried for a few seconds. Why? I hate hanging up on her. It kills me every time. She did say she’d call back again later tonight. Still, I don’t want to hang up. She seemed down. I just have to keep a positive attitude and try to spread that to her. :-) These are tough times.

I’m sitting on the back deck listening to AC/DC. I don’t know what I’ll do for the next few hours. I guess I’ll just sit out here. I know it’s a dangerous thing to sit and think sometimes but that’s exactly what I’m doing. Hell, I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. Nothing else matters.

I’ll wait and be happy. It’s a long, rough road ahead. I don’t care, this is what I want. I’d do it 4,143 times over if I have to.

She called back for quick 10 minute call. She sounded much happier and laughed a bit. :-) That’s always good!

I suppose it’d be proper of me to try to introduce her. I say “try” because you have to know her to get it and there are no words I can say that will do my baby justice. No, I’m not about to bust out details or pictures. You’ve certainly gotten the wrong impression of me if you think I’m about to do that. ;-)

What can I say about her? Everything. To sum her up in one word, it’d definitely be “perfection.” She thinks she has flaws and perhaps she does but I embrace them if anything so that makes her perfect for ME.

She has a beautiful mind. She’s very caring, very sweet, and oh-so-smart. Don’t let her say otherwise because she certainly is. She’s book smart as well though she might try to play that off. Hey, I’ve never found science or math all that interesting or useful, honey. I love the way she thinks, it mirrors my thinking style. She is very, very perceptive which can feel like she’s probing you but I don’t care. I’m honest with her and I don’t lie to her. Why? There’s no point, it’s harder to remember lies and I trust her with everything so I don’t feel a need to lie to her. Now we’re both very, very private which makes getting the whole truth out harder. I wouldn’t consider that a lie at all, it just takes us more time to get to whatever. She is a tough little nut to crack at times for various reasons. I don’t try to analyze nor do I give up, I continue to seek answers from her even when the topic is something mundane. Why? I’m just trying to reach her. I already have, don’t get me wrong. But there are times where she likes to shut down as a defense mechanism. Oh, I do that too. I don’t do that with her, I don’t want to.  She apologizes for it but I don’t need it. I just need her and the only apology I need is just for her to let me in… and she does. To be in her heart is the most sacred place I could be and I’ll continue to work to stay in, I won’t scare nor run off. I love her way too much to do that.

She’s a great person. She’s had some things go wrong in her life. It hurts hearing about them, it tears me up (read both ways.) She’s worked through them and come out as the person I know and love today. I wish I could take the pain away, I do. In some ways I have, I think. I wish I could be there now.

She’s a beautiful woman physically speaking. She is absolutely stunning and takes my breath away. She’ll say this or that is wrong but I don’t see it. Her face can make angels sing. Her smile is radiant and lights up every picture. She has beautiful eyes that I can get lost in forever. Her lips are to die for. I almost wish I could post a picture to share with the world but I can’t for a multitude of reasons. First, I don’t want to share her. Second, not only would I not like it, I know she wouldn’t like it. Third, fuck I forgot my third reason.

I get weak and nervous talking with her every time but I have a need to talk with her. As Dutch would say “she completes me.” :-) I look forward to every text, email, and phone call. I’m always afraid we have nothing to talk about (we’ve talked so much) but we always come up with something, much to my relief and we end up not finishing after hours of talking. It’s so weird but she’s the only one that can do that with me. I really do hate talking on the phone… seriously. I never talk that long either. But I always look at my phone waiting for a call, wishing and hoping. It’s funny because when we first started talking I was too nervous to call but once in a while and she was waiting on my calls. God damnit why does life have to be so fucking unfair. We should have been together months ago. I still see no reason to be apart. I know the “situation” and I understand to some extent but… is that any reason to have us suffer needlessly? I hope she says the word soon.

She has the greatest sense of humor. Sometimes it’s more juvenile and sometimes it’s more serious. Whatever it is, I always find myself chuckling and smiling. That’s one thing I can count on, when talking to her I am always smiling. Throughout my day I’ll be smiling whilst thinking of her. Sure I have fits of depression and whatnot but I do smile. And whenever I talk with her on the phone I can literally hear her smile on the other end. That lifts me up so much. I love her laugh, I love her voice. I love how she teases me (sometimes relentlessly) because it’s fun and what makes her happy, makes me really happy. When she’s sad, I’m sad.

Our tastes in movies and music are similar. I like that. The things we differ on I can handle and visa versa. We look for the overlaps all the time, who doesn’t? I wish I knew as much about movies and music as she does… my gawd she is super intelligent especially when it comes to those.

She’s polite and sweet. She has great morals and views. I respect them and even look to them though she may not be fully aware of that. She also has some old fashioned views which I love because I do too. I’m what I call a “helpless romantic” so I love that sort of stuff. She says I have something that is pretty much missing in this world – chivalry. That is a HUGE compliment to me. I can’t say if I do or not but hearing her say that makes me feel so good. She makes me feel great about being myself, I adore that.

I could go on and on and dote forever on my darling. Just know that I am the luckiest man on earth and those that are around her daily are truly blessed and if they don’t realize that then I pity them for missing out. She is a jewel among thorns in this world. She has my heart and I have hers. I take the utmost care of her heart for there is absolutely nothing more valuable to me in this world. I love her dearly.

I guess I’m going for an unprecedented three posts in one day! Crazy, huh?

I had 4 breakdowns today. They last about a second, my eyes got moist but no tears and I sobbed for a second, literally. I can feel the sadness swell up inside of me and then burst. It’s weird.

I upset my Ms. Sexy X some. I can’t go into the details. Again, I’m just weird about blogging and part of the problem is saying too much. I haven’t but I want to take care not to. I’m sure that just flew above your head.

Have you ever come home alone? I’m sure you have. I know I do. I come home to an empty house every single day. I hate it. I hate being alone. I’m naturally a loner though so I don’t show it bothering me… but deep down inside I hate it. I’m not desperate enough to just go grab anyone off the street either. That gets too messy, trust me. I won’t settle, that’s a mistake and I know it is. With Ms. Sexy X I’m surely not settling, in fact she is so high above me that I’m often scared I’m not good enough for her. She assures me that she thinks the same of me so in a way we’re perfect for each other. But this doesn’t change the fact that I come home to no one, the fact that I fall asleep in an empty bed. It sucks but it’s so much worse because I should be walking in the door to see my baby, to be able to feel her touch and lay down next to her and breathe her in. It feels like someone is taking a chainsaw to my very soul every fucking second that I’m not with her. It’s horrible. It’s worse knowing that I COULD be. Fuck this fucking situation. Life isn’t fair at all. My darling shouldn’t have to suffer nor should I.

I wish she’d say the word. I wish it all the time.

I can say without a doubt that talking about problems with someone you trust will help. Unfortunately, I have no one that fits that bill except for her and she’s the only one I can’t just call up because of the situation. Fuck this god damned irony. I wish it was easy as “Carpe Diem” because I could do that. Guys want to fix problems, that’s what I want to do. But I can’t just seize the day, I can’t just go. She doesn’t want it yet and that’s what I’m waiting on. I have absolutely nothing holding me back except for her. Why not just surprise her? She doesn’t like surprises and I respect her way too much to do that. I’d give up forever to touch her, I can promise you that.

So if you’re out there, just nod if you can hear me… is there anyone at home?