August 20th, 2010
Talk about a weird few weeks. I had a few interesting events and one of my friends is in a pickle. I’m helping her through some tough times but then I get stuck between two people 3 separate times. I don’t mean to, I’m just a good listener and I want to help. The problem is one side gets wind that I know and tries to get any information out of me but I don’t tell. That’s why people confide in me, I can give them reasonable and logical feedback. My brutal honesty can hurt too and if they’re not prepared for it then so be it. That’s what they get with me. Sometimes I just can’t say what I want to say because the words disappear from my head. That always sucks. Anyways, it just puts me in a bind when I yearn to help but I know I can’t and won’t say shit. Communication goes a loooooooooong way but many can’t handle that or the concept.
To top that shit off (and other stressful events like trying to move) I have my depression coming back. There hasn’t been any real trigger to this bout, sometimes it just comes and I go from being happy to sad just like that. Well, I’ve been digging out of that hole for the past week and this new shit doesn’t help. However, I have my resolve so I should be fine. It’s been coming for a while, I can look back and see that now but it felt like it crept up suddenly.
My head is in a swirl and none of this involves me. Ain’t that a bitch? Now I’m slowly backing out.
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July 28th, 2010
I just finished reading the tenth book in the Southern Vampire Mysteries. “Dead in the Family” was supposed to be the last but I guess CH was contracted for 3 more so she’s gotta squeeze more out of it. It only took me 5, maybe 6, hours to read it. That’s pretty sad. It wasn’t bad though it did jump around a lot. It wasn’t as exciting as the others either. Something was lacking or perhaps it could be that I changed. It seemed sadder and yet just not as intriguing as it should be. Then again I read it straight through in no time. It was as if the story was rushed and pieced together too quickly for a “mystery” and ended much too soon. Gotta keep that gravy train a rollin’ I suppose. I like the direction Alan Ball is taking with True Blood. It’s similar to the book plotline but he’s branching off just enough so it’s like experiencing a new story. He’s so silly too, I know the Lafayette/Jesus thing is his touch, gotta be.
When night falls in I start to get depressed especially since I have no friends that want to do anything anymore. They’re all wrapped up in their own lives. I need to find new friends. I sit at home and I don’t feel like going on the internet, I don’t feel like watching TV, and ever since I’ve been single I’ve had nothing to look forward to once I woke up in the morning, worked through the day, and got off at night. I don’t feel like working out. I’m just floating by in this world and that sucks. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I do have some things I would like to get done.
The morning usually brings happier times as I have the whole day to look forward to. I do admit at times it’s even harder than at night - when I don’t get sleep and the day just seems like a mere extension of the night. I hate those mornings. Luckily my night sleep has gotten somewhat better as of late which means my mornings are good.
I really don’t know what I want out of life. I want to be happy, this I know for sure. It’s the “how-to” part I’m having trouble with. I’m sort of happy now but I’m missing something or someone which means I’m not where I want to be. Does that make sense? In any case, tomorrow is a new day and with it comes a chance for refreshed hopes and dreams. :)
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July 26th, 2010
I guess it’s been a year and a couple days since I set this blog up. Interesting.
It started off on fairly hard times with my then GF, things roller coastered but seemed generally good. She got sick and then things changed somewhere along the way. I can pinpoint the time and the funny part is the very last thing I’ve said to her was inquiring about that and she was going to call. I haven’t heard from her in close to two months. Does it hurt? Sure, like hell. But that’s the way things go. She’s a grown woman living her life, making her choices. She knows how I feel, I know how she feels. She’s a stubborn lil’ lass, a bit sassy too. It’s no wonder I love her. But nothin’ I can do to change that.
The last few months were just dragging by me deciding what I needed to do. I wanted to move. Where to? I wanted a new job? What to do? I just did. Then I had to adjust and find a job. I’ve got that now. It’s taken a while to finally get something and I’ve actually laid out a plan for the future for the very first time in my life. It feels great but the path that lies ahead is still uncertain and it’s very rough getting there if I get there at all.
Obviously we broke up in that time which was very hard. It just gave me the final push I needed to start anew. I’ve been single and then I kind of looked. When someone came along I ran because it just wasn’t right and I knew I wasn’t ready. So here I am single and actually fairly happy about it. I need to start exercising again, I’ve slacked off since an injury. I’ve got a full plate for the next few months. I just have to keep my mind in order and on the path.
Here’s to another year of my incessent ramblings and maybe better times to come. :-)
If you have hope, you have everything!
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July 25th, 2010
I’m known as one who doesn’t like to talk too much. I also despise talking on the phone. Do I talk anyways? Well yes I still talk on the phone but not a lot. It’s just something that I tend to get bored of. It’s hard for me to carry on conversations at times and other times I’ll ramble. Why? Hell, I don’t really know or care. One thing my mom would ask is how come I talk to MSX at great lengths if I hate to talk on the phone. I never really answered that question. It’s not just purely because I loved MSX. I love my family but that doesn’t make me talk any more. It’s because I really loved listening to her and I could listen to her talk for hours on end. It was her personality, the smile I could hear in her voice, the laughter, and at times the pain and sadness. I can’t explain it but she captured me like no one else has. She also helped facilitate me in speaking as well. I’m pretty damned shy but at times I’ll speak a bit or two. It throws people off. She saw me for who I was and I’m not sure whether she had to actively try but she knew me and brought it out in me. That just made me love her even moreso. Fuck, I burned up all my extra rollover minutes on her and ended up paying extra to get more. Did I care? Nope. That’s the first and only time I’ve ever not cared about the phone bill nor the fact that I was on the phone for 3 hours at a time. I could not get enough of her and it actually pained me to hang up.
Why am I thinking of this now? Someone reminded me of her but I couldn’t take it and bailed as she was nowhere near on MSX’s level. I tried not to compare but there were too many red flags and also I had just started to enjoy being single. While I have never forget about MSX I was trying hard not to think of her so these fucking emotions wouldn’t come back. I can’t quell them always but I was doing a good job pretending I was. Now that’s depressing. Anyways, now I have to jump back on the horse and move on after this little ditty.
Sand rains down and here I sit.
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July 22nd, 2010
I got to thinking yesterday. I hate it when I do that. My heart hurt. Maybe it was because my radio was playing Tuesday’s Gone or the fact that I saw a boat and it reminded me of something. I try not to think but sometimes it sneaks right back up me. Oy.
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July 19th, 2010
Where to start…
I’ve gotten a bit lazy on working out. I put on a little weight which ain’t necessarily a bad thing but it’s driving me nuts that I haven’t gone running. It’s too fucking hot to run outside but I’ll have to push myself. Yuck.
I am single and enjoying it. I decided I didn’t want to date again for a while and I actually feel good about that!
I’ve got the usual problems – money, job, car, time. I’m running short on all of that. In a few months I’ll be set I suppose and running in the positive but I’m contemplating changing jobs already. Something that is higher paying. It would also help me lateral into a job that I want to do. Not that I don’t like my current job, per se, I do not see much room for growth. Not in this town.
I’ve been feeling a mix of depression and happiness lately. I dabbled here and there to see if I could get a date, then when I did I realized I didn’t want it. She did not take that very well and instead tried blaming it on a red herring. I admit it was bad timing but only because she sent something before I had a chance to send mine. Fuck it, I will let her believe whatever she wants to get her through the day. I’m happier for it though I did not wish to make her sad. I finally realized that I do in fact want to be single for a while, especially when I don’t have my shit together yet. The money situation is super tight and I have to budget everything which isn’t a bad thing but it just doesn’t make me happy being this short. The car crapping out and needing get fixed drained whatever future resources I had which means I have to unbury myself from that debt as well.
I’m pursuing this other job for the moment even though I didn’t want to leave my boss high and dry. But you know what? Fuck it, I’m doing what’s best for me. I’m tired of explaining myself to others and bend over backwards for them. I already told myself I wouldn’t do that and here I do it again! Jeez! Fuck all that noise.
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July 14th, 2010
Relationships. I’ve learned a bunch in my time. I’m constantly learning. I’ve listened to many problems and observed many more and yet for all this I’m still unsure and nervous about jumping into another. Lots of mental barriers here, I’m just now started enjoying being single.
So now I’m in a boondoggle upon meeting someone. Fuck this!
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July 2nd, 2010
I’m feeling a little better now and if I should jump again I think I know where to. Am I on a path of destruction? Sounds like fun to me. It’s not like I’m doing anything illegal.
I’ve got a plan of action for right now. Job wise, housing wise, etc. I just need some more time and MONEY. If only it were so easy.
I caught up on True Blood. That shit is addicting. I can’t stand but loooove the way they leave every episode hanging and then they pick it right up in the next. It’s perfect. Predictions – Tara hooks up with Jason but Jason goes back to whatchyamacallit town and finds the werepanther girl. Maybe she comes to Jason, who cares. The werewolves seem kind of weak which is disappointing thus far. Alcid is just meh. Hopefully they spice them up a bit. It seems to me that Sookie is thinner and more gaunt this season. Like her face is showing some age. I don’t know but something seems really different. I’m not sure how much down time was between shoots, they just finished not too long ago so maybe I can find an updated pic to compare to. Sam boy still seems alright, his character is more laid back now but getting caught up in family drama. I don’t care for this because I though only the first born could be full shifter. The gay vampires are a hoot. I’m sure that was easy for someone to write in. ;-) The best part was Erik banging that hot vamp chick for 6 hours straight. Dude’s my hero. Ha. Let’s not forget Pam going down on her too. Funny, over the top debauchery… I love it.
I love meeting new people. I’m getting bored with the current ones. Too immature. Is that wrong of me? I’m doing what I want. Fuck ‘em all. I have an appetite for destruction.
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June 23rd, 2010
To have these feelings of restlessness is a hardship. I can tell you at any given point I have this “feeling” in the back of my head like something is out of place, like I don’t belong here. I have to keep moving. Where to? I don’t know. I’ve tried thinking of other locations but nothing sticks out or appeals to me. I rather like where I’m at. No one I talk to gets this. I was told that I overanalyze and I absolutely agree. There has never been doubt about that and it’s a flaw of mine. I try to turn it off. I try to stop thinking. Some activities lend themselves to that better than others but rarely do I stop. It makes me despair.
I get stuck down in a hole and when you’re down there you don’t want to pull yourself out but rather you tend to dig deeper. It’s a vicious cycle. Right now my hole is shallow and I’m doing neither as I appear to be satisfied at my depth. It’s fucking stupid. I try to build myself up doing small things. Cleaning is usually one thing.
I feel as though something is missing in my life as if there is a void. I have no idea what to place in it. I’ve had this feeling for I don’t know how long. It kind of went away for a while so I suspect I know what it is but it sounds weird – companionship. That just sounds like I’m needy… fuck that noise. Then again maybe I do crave it subconsciously. See what I mean about analyzing? What the fuck? Can’t I just say – “maybe I’m missing pizza” or something easy like that. ARRRRRRGH!
I’m trying to be more jaded in life, maybe that will ease my pain. Why do I think I’m substituting one pain for another? Ha.
I don’t think I described what I speak of well enough. I have this feeling of being unsettled, it’s the reason I picked up and started anew. It’s not a fear of settling down, by gawd that’s what I want. I just have this itch or urge if you will. I want to skydive and do stupid shit. I don’t fear death nor do I fear life. I fear not living it to the fullest, to lock myself in a cage with my mind. Hell, I have an urge to sign up for the armed forces. I was starting to consider it had I not found this job. Now that I have this job I can’t do them dirty by leaving and in fact it works towards my current job future so why quit when I just started? That would be fucking retarded. Nope, I’m not doing that. I am stuck on this course for the forseeable future. I tell myself to suck it up and deal with it, it ain’t bad. So why do I feel like I have no purpose? My dumbass self needs to shut the fuck up for once in its life.
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June 16th, 2010
Well, it’s been a week I guess. It seems like a blur. I’ve been working every day and learning new things for my job. The next 60 days ought to be interesting. Yesterday was tough. As soon as I walked in my manager asked what was wrong. The funny part was I didn’t even know something was wrong. I felt like blah going in but I didn’t even give it a thought, I try to leave my personal shit behind when I go into work. It sure did eat me up though even when I didn’t see it coming. I walked into the bathroom and just stared at the mirror. I about lost it and I have no idea why. I just don’t know if this is where I want to be at. Fucking weird. Am I slipping? What the hell is wrong with me?
The new season of True Blood started Sunday. I have yet to watch the episode. I’ve been busy, though I may watch it tonight depending on how I feel. I’ve been waiting forever to watch it.
The Celtics lost game 6 by a ton. Perkins went down with a sprain. The Celtics kept up the defense fairly well holding the Lakers at 42% shooting however Boston’s offense did not show up, missing a ton of easy shots and layups. I suspect Ray Allen and Paul Pierce will bring hell on Thursday night to take the series. I watched the game over at a friend’s parents’ house. They’re good folk and it’s fun to watch and talk with them. I haven’t decided where I’m watching game 7 yet though I got an invite back again.
I have yet to clean my abode. I know I’m in a funk, right now I feel indifferent about everything. I’m just numb to the world. On my days off I try to motivate myself to clean and then I find every excuse not to. This weekend I will not do that, I have to clean as I’m disgusted by my own mess. It’ll help lift this funk if only for a few hours.
I gave up on religion so I don’t want to even think about that. I’m tired of relationships or even trying at this point… my mind is way too busy for that. I need to start looking for places to move to for when I have enough money. I have to start paying down debt. I need to join the local gym so I can lift weights and hopefully they have an indoor track. The list goes on.
No one knows what it’s like. Some people can relate to similar things, sure.
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June 9th, 2010
I’m breaking down again. I have no one to talk to or no one I want to burden with my troubles and bitching.
It’s not women, it’s not money/debt, it’s not lack of a job. Those things are being fixed or in the process of being fixed. That shit brings about lots of stress.
But, no. I’m still sad. I’m asking myself “am I happy?” and my answer is “no.” The obvious followup question is “what do I need to do to be happy?” and all I come up with is a blank. If my idea of moving and starting fresh didn’t fix it then what? What am I without? What am I with? What is holding me back? What do I want? I want nothing… so what do I do with that?
As it’s been pointed out so many times before - I overanalyze. The problem is I can’t stop. I don’t know how to stop. One of the only reliefs is when I go out and relax either via fishing or tanning. I can zone out for a brief time. In fact, I think I’ll go down to the lake and just sit there.
I’m scared, alone, and unhappy. Goddamnit I don’t want to cry anymore. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of skipping meals. I’m sick of not getting any sleep. I’m sick of it all. I don’t know what to do. The fucking worst part of it is that I clam up to myself and I don’t know how to share. I just put on my mask and to everyone else I look like I’m fine but I’m not. Oh no, I’m not.
The idea of surrounding myself with friends is a good one. I’m trying to stay busy and work. It’s just not doing anything. Seeking help is against every being of my nature, I’m far too stubborn. I don’t want help, I don’t want doctors, I don’t want medicines. I can beat this shit.
Sure this comes in cycles but more oft than not I’m on the downward spiral of that cycle. I’m tired of being down in a hole. Where is my escape?
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May 23rd, 2010
My boy Rajon Rondo is leading this charge. They’re seemingly unstoppable in going for another championship ring. Given their propensity to fuck up in the 4th and going against the Lakers might make for an interesting series. I’m still thinking a sweep of the Magic and the Lakers. Ha.
Somehow I missed the memo that Rampage agreed to fight Rashad. That’s next Saturday, I can’t wait. Given the last few UFCs seemingly sucked (of course I was not watching on a nice screen) I’m hoping this one will rock as I chill at BDubs.
Many things have been going on. I haven’t really updated in… well a full month. Why? I don’t know. I’ve been going through my cycles, I’m on a downward spiral right now. I just don’t seem to belong here nor anywhere for that matter. I just have to ride this one out. I start a new job soon so there’s always that. I wish I could just magically shake off this feeling but I just feel so… what is the word I’m looking for? I think I got it: “Lost.” That’s really the basis I guess but seemingly complicated to explain.
I had a situation where two new friends lied to me to my face (I knew it as they did it.) I called one of them out a few days after; I was asked certain questions so I told the truth otherwise I was just going to let it go (though keep it in the back of my head.) I’m sort of keeping my distance from them. Everyone is always busy and I have lots of free time. I’m hoping to shore up that free time in the near future with work and working out.
I’ve had upswings and down. I didn’t think about updating the blog here until today. It’s taken a month since applying before I even start the job. This apartment depresses me and I need to think about moving soon. That depresses me. I have debt pretty high now and I just bought something stupid… well not stupid but I should have waited a little longer. I have money but it will be tight for sure until a few paychecks can start rolling in. I’m ever so lonely and not in a family/friends kind of way. I don’t think it’s right to burden myself or someone else with a shitty relationship by just going out to suppress that feeling. I’ll meet someone eventually but when I don’t know. Then I have other bullshit emotions to deal with. I shouldn’t compare but I know I will. It’s hard to downgrade when you’ve tasted caviar.
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