March 10th, 2010
So I moved cross country in 4 days. It was an adventure that I wouldn’t trade for the world. I wish I had money and time to continue to do this.
I got lost in St. Louis (sort of,) crashed on the couch of someone I hadn’t met yet (we planned a get together prior,) I got free beer from someone in Oklahoma City, I got stuck in a standstill for 2 hours outside of Oklahoma City due to someone wrecking in the heavy rain. I hit some of the heaviest, most constant winds across the panhandle of Texas where I couldn’t get above 70 miles per hour. 60MPH was the norm. I missed the last gas station for 60 miles, pulling off to find an abandoned one and and one under construction. I stalled 13 miles from the nearest station in New Mexico. I hitchhiked in the same tough wind and met a nice contractor who not only took me to a gas station, gave me his spare gas can (I had one but left it empty – DOH!) and took me back to my car and waited to make sure I was going. He was from Louisiana, I see Southern hospitality at its finest. We never even exchanged names. He wouldn’t take money either. I made it to Abluquerque where nothing exciting happened. I have now seen snow in the desert though. Travel was somewhat better as the wind was way down until I hit Arizona. It was like de ja vu but worse because I hit a full blown monsoon outside of Winslow. It turned into a blizzard right quick. I couldn’t see 3 feet in front of me. It cleared up into Flagstaff where I hit a icy spot and did a fish tail across three lanes of interstate. I almost shit myself. I crawled the next 25 miles at 35MPH as did most traffic because of the whiteout conditions of yet more snow. The interstate was covered.
Today I found an apartment. It isn’t clean by my standards but I have to take it for the short term. Tomorrow will be the move in and cleaning. Day after I’ll start looking for jobs.
It’s all about the journey for me. I have no idea what I’m doing into the future. I’d love certainty but this is exciting and I need that. My heart was left in a gutter, my outlook bleak so I took it upon myself to change my fortune. I don’t care if I’m poor, I’ll see what I can do to change that.
Posted in Myself | No Comments »
March 4th, 2010
Quite a few games on last night. Didn’t get to see any NBA action but did see the replays of LeBron crucifying the Nets with his dunks and assists. Carmelo Anthony took Kevin Durant to task shutting him down with a Nuggets win over the Thunder. In college there was Maryland laying the smack down on Duke with Vasquez leading that charge with some impressive play. Kentucky beat up on Georgia though Leslie was getting on my nerves. Do we have to see the dunk over Cousins again? Well John Wall shut them up by stealing the ball with his left hand and taking it down court with his left hand and finishing with a monster left handed dunk. Fuck you bitches! It got 2nd on ESPN’s top10. Why? Because these asses have a fucking HOCKEY play as number one. WHY THE FUCK? The NHL blows and the Olympics did not revive it! LET IT DIE! A goalie stop is not and never will be a number one play you assholes! UGH. That’s the whole reason behind this post.
Posted in College Basketball, Sports | No Comments »
March 2nd, 2010
A few mini-rants are in order here.
First, hockey is boring. It’s not coming back (actually that would give the presumption that it was ever “here.”) I don’t care if 20 million canucks watched one olympic game, after that one is done the viewers are going to drop to 20,000. Hockey sucks, period. This coming from someone that would rather watch golf or tennis. Heck, NBA basketball where defense seems to be a myth is better to watch. At least we can watch the likes of LeBron and a host of other incredible players show off. So ESPN do us all a favor and stop hyping hockey and for the love of everything hockey should NEVER have a spot in the top 10. You assholes usually plug 2-3 plays in there because of your agenda… is the NHL paying y’all for this press?
Dubai needs to stop being little bitches. Same goes for Britain. Yes, I’d be pissed if someone stole my passport and used it. If they’re just fakes then who gives a crap? There is no victim unless you count the state of the UK but let’s face it… the backroom politics will have swept it under the rug in no time anyways. Plausible deniability and all that. Spy games happen all over and it just so happens to lead back to a country (implicit or not) and now they’re covering their asses. Whatever. I don’t care for the fact that the US is supporting Israel. Let them do their own religious wars with their own money instead of us sending untold amounts of money over there. They’ll just attack our ship and deny it anyways. And Dubai is cowering for what? A Hamas idiot was killed, these people knew they were harboring an evil man. Now Israel made them look bad by getting the job done so now they’re trying to make Israel look bad. Ahhh, politics. Fucking annoying. Sack up. “Yep, we killed him, fuck you.”
Sony in all their wisdom somehow fucked up and let a little glitch take down their PS3s yesterday. How do you forget to include leap year or put it in the wrong year, whichever it was? Seriously, it’s a basic clock function. The more disturbing thing is it affecting games even in offline mode. Why is that happening? People are suggesting DRM via trophies. Sounds like bullshit but I don’t know enough about that to form a better opinion.
I shouldn’t be reading and writing. I need to get back to packing. The day is coming soon. :-)
Oh and here’s an excellent article or Q&A I guess.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/28/business/28corner.html
Posted in News | No Comments »
February 23rd, 2010
I’ll make this quick. I salvaged some friendships but not before dipping down into some deep depression. I got help from my good friend MSX, she’s a saint in her own way. It’s always a pleasure talking with her. I’m still down but there’s a bunch of stuff going on and I’m getting to the saturation point. It’s all coming together and I have to get it going.
I don’t even know what the fuck I’m saying. It’s only midnight but I’m retiring early tonight. I just don’t know anymore. I’m taking it a day at a time and doing it my way. I guess I’m just a lil’ bit anxious.
EDIT: It’s 22 hours later and I’ve had a few Guinness and Pepsi. There’s many things bothering me. There’s the heartbreak I still feel. I can’t help it. I know time has passed but I still love her. :-( I love talking with her as she always, always, always cheers me up. I still think about her every day and I miss her so much but I can’t say anything. Oy. Then there’s the moving situation - I’m a bit nervous at that as well as really excited too. There’s the uncertainty on getting settled down but I have faith I’ll find find my way. I don’t have anything lined up. Same goes for my job. I really am glad to be leaving my current job. The job was easy but I didn’t get any hours or money or the most important aspect – satisfaction. When there is no satisfaction to be had it is time to move on. I want to do something that makes me happy. So I have a general direction I’m going I just don’t know what will happen. It’s exciting and makes me anxious all at once. To top off this shit there’s the friend stuff, family stuff, and wedding stuff all depressing me. There really is just too much at once right now and I feel like I’m going to explode. I don’t expect a damned thing to go smoothly and if it does then hot damn I’m there. If not then don’t expect to hear any “yeah buddy” anytime soon.
Posted in Thoughts | No Comments »
February 15th, 2010
I keep going down in fucking flames. It’s as if every action I take is the absolute wrong choice. It’s getting to me.
I ended a friendship today. It hurt badly. I couldn’t commit to a wedding. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been planning my shit for months on end now. Then I have several people I know getting married and it’s at the worst possible time for me. I tried not being selfish but I can’t do that anymore. I’m miserable. I wanted to make some of those weddings but other issues have forced my hand. I cannot do it. I cried when he sent a text to end the friendship. I kind of expected his response but I didn’t expect my emotional response. I hurt.
I already lost my girlfriend/best friend due to my stupidity. Now him. I’ve pretty much ostracized myself from my family for other personal reasons. Here I am alone again and miserable. Yay me.
I know I have to work through this. I’m almost there to my goal. I just put in to quit at my job. I’m moving on with my life.
I am thoroughly depressed and it keeps getting worse every fucking day even though I try to look up I keep getting dragged back down. I cannot escape this hole I’m in at this rate. I must keep trying. :-(
Posted in Family, Friends, Thoughts | No Comments »
February 10th, 2010
I guess a few things have happened lately.
I went to a Three Days Grace/Breaking Benjamin concert. It was great.
I talked with MSX a few days ago. That was pleasant. I’m still thinking about her a bunch. I miss her.
I’ve been going to physical therapy a bunch. I have fun there and all the staff likes me. Today I helped one of their kids with his math. He’s a smart kid, I gave him a few pointers. Unfortunately, I reversed a problem and gave him the wrong answer and he had the right one! Oy. It felt good to do a little tutoring there. :-) My last appointment is coming up soon. Damn. I’m seeing lots of improvement though.
I may have sprained or fractured my finger. I don’t think it’s broke as I’m typing with it now and it doesn’t hurt. It’s just sore and purple and slightly swollen. That’s gone down a bunch since a few days ago.
I’ve a few other little things coming up. I’m still packing for my big move. I can’t wait! I am getting more nervous though. Blah.
This past month has given me a time to step back and review where I’m at. I wish it wasn’t like this but I’ve made the best of it and am improving myself so it isn’t a loss. I wish there was an easier way.
I’ve had maybe 6 Pepsis in the past month. It’s weird. I crack one open and drink 1/3-1/2 of it and don’t feel like having any more. I’d say it’s psychological. Heck, as soon as I can I’m going to start working out again, I’ve lost too much weight. :-/ I need to gain 15-20lbs of hopefully muscle. Fun stuff.
Right now there’s a mix of psuedo depression, anxiety, realization, learning, and hope going on right now. I get glimpses of each I suppose you could say. Hope is what I hang on to.
I may go running in shorts with snow on the ground. I’m debating it right now.
Fuck it. I plan on having fun and doing things my way.
Posted in Exercise, Health, Ms. Sexy X, Music, Myself | No Comments »
February 3rd, 2010
Lily you’re in my heart and make me smile. I love you. :-) Happy Birthday.
Posted in Ms. Sexy X | No Comments »
January 26th, 2010
…I kissed them both goodbyyyyyyye.
I’m sneaking in a post here as I don’t know when my next chance will be. I still think about her every day and I try not to but I can’t help it. So many small things remind me of her and I just remember things that she did that I love about her. :-) I want to call her up and tell her I’m sorry for being a jackass but I know I can’t. She is right in that what I did was stupid and she’s over it and so am I. I also realized that I was “smothering” her (sorta) and not letting myself be. She didn’t mind it but at times she thought I was not doing myself any favors. I was aware of it but didn’t pull my head out of my ass. It sucks seeing yourself fail but it is also satisfying in realizing them and improving yourself.
Every day has been rough for various reasons as I’m trying to get to where I want to be. I’d love to still be with MSX but I know that isn’t happening. I’m at a shitty job. I am recovering from surgery. I just want to heal up, move, get settled, and then try for the job I want. I’m getting anxious and all those factors are working against me here.
I just wanna “…take this horse and ride it off this merry-go-round.”
Posted in Ms. Sexy X, Music, Myself | No Comments »
January 21st, 2010
I’m worn out. I keep waking up during the night all hot. So I’m having both fans on and turning down the heat tonight. Hopefully I can get a full nights rest.
I need to start packing my shit soon. I have a move date for sure now. I just have to get everything in place. There’s the figuring out the U-Haul situation, there’s the job situation as well. It’s a mess. I have enough money but this is going to drain some resources. Arrrgh. It’s worth it though.
This may be one of my last posts unless I can mooch some internet as mine is gone now. I’ll do away with cable as well. Fuck it. Who knows I’ll update intermittently.
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »
January 20th, 2010
I had some time to cool down. I will box my things up tomorrow in my preparation for my big move. I will probably leave around the first of March. I want to do it sooner but there’s one thing I’m holding off on. We shall see.
I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulder. Well, that feeling came long ago but cutting ties was the final reprieve. I feel better. :-)
It does suck. It sucks for my siblings too. I just won’t put up with it for their sakes, I’ve done that long enough. It’s now about me. Selfish. Yeah, fuck it. You have to stand up for yourself some time. There will be plenty of other times to give of yourself but this is not one of those times. Tomorrow is getting hotter, make no mistake. ;-) That one is for you.
Posted in Thoughts | No Comments »
January 19th, 2010
I’ve had another falling out with the folks. I have now written them off. I actually feel better now. It does hurt but not as much as I thought. I guess because we’ve been on this path for a year now. Honestly, it hurt more to lose my girlfriend but probably because I was much closer to her than them. I was always closest to my dad but he did something tonight to sever that connection permanently.
I guess I reap what I sow and this is how Ms. Sexy X felt when I said what I said. I’ve never felt so sad in my life as when we broke up. I know she was sad too. I’m not mad at her, in fact I still love her deeply. I miss her too. But it’s over. I still cry every fucking day like a pussy. That’s a broken heart for you.
This family issue… it sucks because I’m alienating my siblings due to my parents. I don’t mean to hurt them but I’m left with no choice. If I want to escape with my sanity this is the only thing I can do.
I’m depressed tonight. I’m really missing my girlfriend too. I never did tell her too much about my fights with my parents. I guess I figured it was between us and we’d patch it up. Then she drifted from me so I didn’t get to let her in deeper and update her as things got worse. I am jealous of her great relationship with her parents. They are the exact opposite of my folks and more like me. It’s a damned shame.
I had put up most of the things that remind me of her. I do keep something in my pocket which I probably shouldn’t but I can’t help it. I also have her perfume that I like to take a breath of every now and then. I figure there are so many things in the house and outside the house that remind me of her, I can hold onto those two. A picture of hers fell beside my bed which I found last night. I cried myself to sleep the first go around. Hell, I got tears again.
I’m moving on but just really slowly. I don’t mind it, probably because I love thinking of her. I stopped doing many of the things I normally did just because I am trying to move on. What’s funny is things would have been so different if the cancer didn’t happen or kick in right when it did. I’m pretty sure I would have still fallen out with my parents… it was on that course since ‘08 really. I had been working to just keep it neutral but things have degraded steadily. But I would have been with Ms. Sexy X. If “ifs and buts” were candy and nuts… yada yada yada.
I didn’t want to gush anymore on her and I intended not to as it would show I’m not moving on but this whole situation has brought on a gamut of emotions.
Life, it’s a bitch at times. I’ve learned that I have to grab it by the horns and make it my own bitch. Vulgar? Hell fucking yeah. But that’s the way it’s gotta be. I won’t live in fear anymore.
Posted in Family, Ms. Sexy X | No Comments »
January 18th, 2010
I had a sleepless night. I kept waking up hot and that meant dreams. I don’t recall the dreams either. I remember her face in at least one of the dreams. I don’t know why I was so hot or had such a restless night.
I can’t get over this feeling. I miss the fun times, I miss the laughs, I miss the aimless chats. I miss daydreaming all day, every day about her. I still find myself drifting off at times… I’m trying not to. I think the reason is that I still compare her to others and think of just how lucky I was. She had it all, all the things I could want in a woman. Beauty in so many ways, intelligent and sharp as a needle. A perfect combination of shyness and wittiness… just what I want. See what I did here? I’m doing it again. Ugh. I think it’s a matter of me kicking myself for losing her. :-( Why can’t I let me be? I’m neither happy nor sad right now. I just am. I’ll have a short streak of happiness and sadness but then I return to neutral. I would rather be sad as this is miserable.
I did watch some football yesterday. The Vikings absolutely tore the Cowboys a new one like I said they would. Sidney Rice was on fire. I guess Favre was too. The Jets upset the Chargers. I couldn’t believe it. I know the Jets have the number one defense but damn! Rivers and crew started off really well and then just fizzled out. The defense was holding well enough but the offense didn’t produce and Nate Kaeding missed THREE kicks in a row… that ain’t good. One of them was long, the other two not so much. Darrelle Revis once again shut down whoever he was on (he rotated.) I’d put him at Best Defensive player though I’m not upset that Charles Woodson got it. I’m now going with the Vikings to take the Super Bowl against the Colts. We shall see.
I have to get to work now. I don’t want to go. I’m sore as fuck too. Life sucks.
Posted in Ms. Sexy X, Myself, NFL | No Comments »